365 · 5:48am Nov 28th, 2019
Time moves so quickly and so slowly that it baffles me. The calendar is approaching my veritable D-day anniversary; it's almost been a year since something happened that broke me into so many pieces that I didn't think I could be put back together again.
I have been, over and over, berating myself for having nothing to show for a year of silence. I haven't written anything substantial. My programming projects languish. I have no tangible proof that anything has happened.
I only have a story that you don't really want to read, but I want to share.
Christmas 2018 - my parents asked my sister to petsit for them. I found out that this was because, "if they hired a petsitter, they'd have the cops called on them."
I told my sister I'd go with her down to our parents' house, to see what the hell was going on and why she was instructed to not take the dogs to the veterinarian office our parents normally went to.
We discovered that the two dogs that lived outside where suffering. There was no warm, clean shelter from the rain and the snow. The porch was slick with mold. The grounds were overgrown. The air was foul with the scent of death - my sister mentioned that there was a possibility something had died under the porch.
One of the dogs was vomiting mucus. Her side was swollen with a fatty tumor. Her nose had lost color. Both dogs were too thin, and too desperate for the simplest affection.
We made plans. We were going to try to surrender them to a no-kill shelter. We were going to take them to a vet to seek help for them.
The next morning, we bundled up with scarves over our mouths and noses, put on gloves, and took a broken shovel we found discarded so we could remove the carcass from under the porch.
There was nothing except vegetation so rotted that it smelled like a long dead animal. We couldn't believe there was no corpse, and yet there was none.
We drove around to the nearby vets. The first one wouldn't help us. The second was a blessing beyond words.
They comforted us as they listened to our explanation of what was going on. They promised to help, so we went home and loaded the dogs into the back of my sister's hatchback to transport them.
I sat in the backseat while she drove, the window rolled down as I retched from the smell. They were filthy. They were sick.
The vet and staff treated the dogs with love as if they were their own. They treated us as if we were their own. They examined the dogs.
One, despite his age and ribs showing, was shockingly in good health.
The other was dying of cancer that had progressed beyond any point of return.
They let us take the dogs into a green space and play with them for as long as we needed. The vet tech brought soft food that she fed to the sick dog without flinching at the mucus and the heaving.
They let her feel loved, let us love her. And then we laid her on a warm blanket and stroked her fur as we said goodbye to a dog who had only known one day of love, and it was her last.
I shattered. I became emotionally comatose as I washed my hands, because I can't stand anything on them, and hating myself, because I was literally washing my hands of her. My sister had to hold me as I broke down, depriving her of her own breakdown.
While we waited for my husband, her boyfriend, and our cousin to make the hour-long drive down, I wandered the back yard with an axe that had a splintered handle and attacked fallen trees. A hollow part of me was hoping my hands would bleed from the broken wood, some sort of penance for washing them.
Eventually, Anzel and the gang arrived. He drove me home.
For about two months, I did nothing but work and sleep. I otherwise stopped living. I couldn't cry, I couldn't scream, I couldn't laugh. I had my heart carved out and I didn't have the capacity to cope with any of it.
I finally sought help. My sister and I started going to therapy together every week. We discovered, through these sessions, that we had PTSD.
Our childhoods had been, to put it in the simplest terms, fucked up. And this event had triggered everything we'd been repressing or ignoring or just not looking at.
I am not yet okay. I am not there yet at all. And I just need to, for my own sanity, force myself to speak aloud and acknowledge that I have done a lot this year.
- I started going to therapy. I'm talking about and confronting childhood trauma that has been poisoning my life because I never looked at head-on. I was told that I had no value. I was raised in fear of being abandoned. I lived in a home infested with moths that laid eggs on my furniture. I didn't feel loved until I was twenty years old, when I met my now-husband.
- I went to a psychiatrist to discuss that maybe I had OCD and discovered not only do I definitely have it, but I'm also narcoleptic. My whole life, I've gone to doctors about a soul-deep fatigue and never found any answers. Finally, for the first time, I can go through days feeling... Alive.
- I had double jaw surgery in June and I am still not fully healed from it, but I'm 90% there and 10000% better for it. I can breathe. I didn't know I couldn't breathe before until I woke up from the anesthesia and breathed in for the first time. I had 1/4 the space in the back of my throat. I have quadrupled my capacity for air, for swallowing. I was on a pure liquid diet for 7 weeks, then a soft-non-chewing diet for another 7 weeks, and just within the last two weeks, I finally resumed a normal diet.
- Despite it all, I've not just kept my job, but continued to be a productive member of my team. I didn't stop working. I didn't give up. I didn't let the pain of dredging up a childhood of psychological abuse and medical neglect get in my way.
I am not sharing this for pity. I honestly hate the idea of doing this because the toxicity that this website has brought into my life. I hate that something I did for fun with my husband will forever hold a dark spot in my heart because of people in this community, not because they disliked what we wrote, but because it became personal.
Disliking my writing somehow became talking about me and my husband as people, and I've grown bitter to keep from getting hurt.
I'm posting this so I can't deny the journey this year has been, so I can see that even if I haven't been able to write or produce anything for anyone to see, my year wasn't wasted.
My journey is valid regardless of what I've done or not done for others to see.
I just wish I knew the destination, or how long it would take to get there.
o.o
I'll not pity you, but I'll still be sad that this place is such for you.
Holy shit. I don't know what to say, or if I should say anything.
I don't know you. I don't know anyone on this site I'd call a friend. Hell, when I really think about my life I can't really think of a friend I've made. At best in college some people decided to invite me to hang out and kept doing so, at worst I tried to barge my way into cliques that since splintered.
So I really don't know what to say, to not be condescending, or trite, or pitying, or sound fake. About the best I can articulateis:I read you.
Wow. That is... really hard to read. I'm sorry that you went through that, and I can only say that the steps you have taken are huge. I don't read this as a cry for pity at all, but rather a statement of what you have achieved and continue to do so. I know you will heal—your words come from someone that has strength and conviction within her, and love around her.
This was, again, hard to read, and I am not privy to what happened here to you, but... for what it's worth, I wish you the best, and I will be here and out there ready to listen, read, or even talk if you ever feel like it.
woo. good luck. hope to hear more from you
I'm not good at words a lot of times... but I just really want to say--from friend to friend, even if we never really talked that much in the past--I'm proud of you. I'm so proud of you.
You're gonna get through this and come out a much better and stronger person than you already were.
I'm so proud of you.
I’m sorry to hear that in a place like this that is meant for fantasy and escape, that people did petty and hurtful things to you. You would think that a place like this would be a safe place, but as the son of a preacher, I learned early on that places that are supposed to be safe can be some of the most hurtful.
You have a wonderful and creative spirit, and the world seems especially hard on those whom do. But along with creativity seems to come a vulnerability to mental illness and trauma. The good news is that you are doing better than many, as dark as things are now. You have every reason to expect that a good life is ahead for you, though there will always be struggles. Know that you will always have fans like me that are rooting for you. Your work has been a blessing in my life. I hope to hear better things in the future from you, but come what may, I will support you no matter what.
Please know that you are loved. If not by me and by others posting here, than by your husband, people physically in your life. I adore you and admire you so much, and I'm glad to hear you've been getting the support and help you need. I also want to express my anger and sorrow over what happened to those dogs. It's not fair. None of that is fair, or what you went through. But know that you showed love and grace when it was most needed. Please take heart in that.
If you ever need to reach out to me, I'm around. Until then I'll try to occasionally send you wholesome boys memes and stories on discord.
I love you I love you I love you.
Don't forget.
I had heard a bit about some of that, but didn't realize just how big an impact it all was on you. Glad to hear you are doing better, at least a little, both emotionally and physically. Being able to breathe is wonderful isn't it? I hope you find a mental space to write from again as things continue to improve. You are still one of the most interesting and strongest people I know, especially being able to work (as in, the money-job) through all of that.
I can confirm, from an outside perspective, that your year hasn't been wasted. You don't need the validation, but sometimes a point of view from outside your own head can be nice.
I'm here for you if you need me, Crystal.
Your friends and loved ones can help you.
And don't feel bad for feeling bitter. Sometimes feeling nothing is better then feeling anything.
I'm but a simple fan of your and Anzel's stories, so I'll keep this short. This blog post is...strong. You're strong for the steps you've taken.
Hey, your stories and your husbands stories are a bright spot of fun. Im sorry you had some pet trauma. My wife is a vet. She deals with this stuff on a monthly or semi monthly basis.
Putting animals down kills her, and she has an auto immune disease and has a family member that is mentally ill who she takes care of.
I guess what i’m trying to say is you are not alone. There are lots of good people out there. Trauma is a real thing and so are health issues. I’m glad you are getting help and i hope for the best for you.
Its good you were traumatized. That is normal. Your heart is not a stone and you are not a sociopath. Those are good things even if they make life hard to bear at times.
Have a happy thanksgiving and I hope you feel better!
Oh wow... you've been through so much. It sounds like you're on the way to healing, now; at least, I certainly hope you are. Come what may, I wish you only the best. Take care of yourself. Stay strong.
Crystal, I had no idea you have through so much this past year. You are a wonderful, caring person and my heart aches that you have experienced such hurt and abuse, whether from family or people on this site.
As a person who has endured childhood abuse and torment from my parents as an adult, I can empathize. You getting the emotional and physical help you needed are the first steps toward a better life. And I know having Ansel helps you though those hard times as well.
You are a strong and wonderful person for caring for those dogs the way you and your sister did. I've helped with abused animals before and what you did was truly heroic and beautiful.
I love your stories and I know you to be a lovely and caring person. Please don't let the actions and opinions of a few keep you from enjoying your presence here. I'm sure you have many friends and supporters here and you can always count on us to be here for you.
And if you would ever like to talk, I would be very happy to listen. Please take care and be well, Crystal. *Hugs*
Do you need a hug :( ?
You, are a brave and strong woman, Crystal.
I am sorry that people took your stuff personally. I know you're not looking for pity, but as one author to another I felt I had to say it.
Stay strong, and I am sorry you had to do that for those dogs.
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But that's what pity is. "the feeling of sorrow and compassion caused by the sufferings and misfortunes of others." I don't really know why the word pity has such a negative connotation for some people. Can someone explain/help me understand?
You’re a shero.
Don’t forget that.
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I want to thank everyone for the kind words and thoughts.
I also wanted to share something my emotional midnight self neglected to point out: The other dog has a happy ending.
He was adopted by the vet tech who gave Bella unwavering kindness. He spent that Christmas, and will spend this one too, inside. Warm. In his own, special bed just for him. Surrounded by toys and adopted sibling-dogs. He has a family. He goes by a new name now: Mr. Spoiled.
I called the vet's office a few weeks back, asking how he was. The receptionist told me that he's a healthy weight now, and doesn't at all act his age. He's a small dog (his old name was Chibi because of how small he was), and he's about 10 years old, but he still runs around like a pup.
Bella spent her last day loved. Mr. Spoiled spends every day loved, and will spend his eventual last the same. I'm grateful for this every day.
5161404 I am glad to hear that!
I had noticed that you weren’t as active on FimFic as you had been, but I had been praying that whatever you were going through, you would find healing. I’m really glad you’re finding it. So many carry pain and wounds that they often aren’t even aware of, let alone confront it when they do. I’m glad that you are. You are so strong. I will continue to pray for your further healing, and may you be blest this coming year even further.
5161404
:~D what a Nice ending~
A few months back we noticed that one of the cats was hiding out a lot downstairs and was otherwise avoiding most of us, we took a look at him and noticed his tongue was white and took him to a emergency clinic we knew about.
I didnt understand the test results but my sister was crying before the doctor finished reading it, cat apparantly had contracted cancer and his blood levels were so low it was doubtful hed manage to last much longer.
We had him put down so he didn't have to suffer any longer, and I buried him the following morning. That cat was quite loved, even I eventually shed a few tears.
Crystal despite whatever happened. I am shocked to hear about the misery you went through, I'm glad to hear that you're healing up and hope that you find enough cheer again to do the things you love.
This struck a chord with me, and I wish I'd been able to put some of these thoughts to words before the fact, rather than after; that reaction - that experience - sounds so much like my roommate, Rob. He's a fire survivor who lost 90%+ of the movement in his hands, had some damage to his feet, and even today, years later, lives with very regular pain. But he's also one of the most industrious people I've ever met. He tells with pride how he taught himself to put on socks again (among other activities most of us take for granted). We may have to help him with the gardening, but he's the driving force for planning and activity, and has even recently (yesterday) begun assembling a rough compost bin. He's the mind behind our house electonics setup, and one heck of a cook. There's never a time when he isn't thinking about improving something, partly because he wants to, but mostly because he can.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that as much as I wish I could have had Rob help you earlier - or just used him as inspiration - I'm happy to see that like him, you've fought through the hardship without losing yourself. Never forget how you feel right now, just coming out of it all, because it will give you the world. It sounds like you're going to be just fine, and that's absolutely wonderful!
After reading all this I felt like I had to add a comment, but had the problem of trying to figure out how to say it. It's sad that a website that spawned from people wanting to write stories about colorful, talking horses has become something of a blight on what should be a happy hobby. I have definitely enjoyed all over your stories (even your "other" ones) and I get excited whenever I get an email saying that one has updated or you have put out a new story. It's very easy to say "Just block out the haters" but I know that doesn't really work.
I admire you for going and talking to a therapist and getting help. It is a very big first step and you are so much stronger for reaching out. Writing these stories and putting your all into your projects happens when you're in the right mindset, and there's no way to force yourself into that mindset. Looking at yourself from your own perspective could also be blinding yourself from what you have done (talking from experience). So while it seems like you haven't done a lot, ask those who love you. I can almost guarantee that they'll point out things that have meant so much to them, even if that thing was something you thought was small.
To sound a little cliche, life is a journey that no one has a map for. That shouldn't get you down though. Part of the fun is finding someone that you can navigate the chaotic unknowns with and it sounds like you have found an excellent co-navigator. There will always be trial and tribulations ahead, but there will always be celebrations and joyous occasions as well. Please continue to share what you feel comfortable with and know that you have people in your life, both immediate and here online, that want nothing but the best for you, yours, and anyone else we meet. Thank you for sharing and trusting us such a personal story and I hope that you have a happy Thanksgiving and you all can eat yourselves into the best food coma.
I’m sorry to hear what you went through, but I’m glad you got help. I may no longer be part of the Q&B community after the selfish mess I made, but I still care for you and Anzel’s wellbeing. It’s good that you’ve made so much progress, and I hope your holidays this year go much better. Happy thanksgiving, and have a merry Christmas.
...did I miss something? It has been well over a year, but the last time I attended to a QnB Discord live meeting, everyone adored you and Anzel. Both of you are very likable people. I can't even begin to think why anyone would say anything negative about you or your writing.
I’ve met you and Anzel a couple of years ago. I found you both full of life and value your friendship for however short it was. You gave me inspiration to write my first story and I thank you for that. You have friends here, friends that care about you even if we don’t always write about it. Don’t let a few bad apples spoil the barrel as AppleJack would say. I know it’s easy to say and hard to do. I always looked forward to your story updates and am sad that I haven’t seen any in a while.
Keep up the therapy sessions and I know you will be back to normal in no time. I hope and pray that you will find peace that you are looking for.
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The English language is not black and white; it is full of contradictions, constantly evolving, and never straightforward in any regard.
Pity has etymological roots in compassion, empathy, and virtue. However, it's often paired with a sense of wretchedness, poorness, helplessness rather than genuine kindness.
Evoking pity has an implicit undercurrent of superiority on the evoked's side. You pity the homeless, the destitute, the fool. Generally, people in poverty don't pity each other; it's the well-to-do that have the time for that, not the ones who struggle.
And, honestly, then there's just today's culture. See phrases like "she's just throwing a pity party".
My next remark is not directed at you at all, but you brought up something that I just need to get off my chest. Please, please understand that before you continue reading.
The singlemost tiresome thing for me on FiMFiction is the absolute black-and-white, holier-than-thou grammar elitism. My usage of the word gaze has been nitpicked. I used revel in instead of revel or relish in. I have never been a part of a writing community that, as a whole -- as a blanket perception -- as a recurring and constant needling -- is so far up its own arse that I can't determine from which hole some comments are made.
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If you go to a Justin Bieber concert, you'll be surrounded by people screaming his name who would die on a hill to defend him. If you go anywhere else, you'll likely find a different story.
There are consequences of "horse-fame". It's part of why I'm sort of hoping that this long hiatus will send me into a form of obscurity when I start writing again.
Wow. I don't know what to say. I'm glad you're on your road to healing. I pray you can find joy in your creative enterprises once again - Whatever they may be.
Thanks for sharing, even though it meant being vulnerable.
I wish I could be a bigger support, but it sounds like you have a great group around you. I'm happy to hear you are not alone.
It sounds to me that you have already discovered a source of strength you didn't realize you had, and that is allowing you to face the specter of your past. You are stronger than you know. For existing, for enduring, and for sharing. God bless you in your struggle. You are loved.
I don't really know what to say, considering that I'm a few days late commenting on account of being busy with a certain Thursday, family-related function (I bet you can't guess which one
), but:
I'm glad to hear that you're on a path to seeking better mental health, which is something that is not easy to do. I hope that, in the days ahead, that you find comfort and happiness from the support of your husband, friends, and newfound therapist. I cannot imagine how difficult it was for you to go through what you discussed in the blog, but just know that there are people out there who are willing to listen, if you need to have an outlet.
I hope you had a happy Thanksgiving, and also have a happy holiday next month.
Take care of yourself, Crystal.
All I can say is I enjoy the stories that you and Anzel write. They have and always will be my favorites. I love when I can find tiny typos because it reminds me that the people that I admire are humans too. It makes the book personal and I can “feel” the effort put in. Thank you for the words you write and providing a world to escape to for a while.
I am really bad at offering words of sympathy, condolences, comfort, or anything else of the sort. I see or hear of the struggles that people are put through -- real people, whose works and efforts I admire -- and I'm at a loss of how to convey the desire to simply offer a hug.
What I can do is tell you that I downloaded "Crystal's Wishes" onto my phone months ago, to take with me when I go to sea. I finally finished it this past weekend, and I can't wait to continue the journey.
Well damn, this is... a lot. I’m glad you’re still here though, regardless of whether you’ve written anything or not.
I want to let you know that you're a big reason I'm taking steps to share my own writing. You've left nothing but (incredibly) positive impacts on me. I can only hope I can leave a positive impact in kind. To hear you go through these troubling times is deeply saddening to me, but to hear of the progress you've made and worked so hard for is cause for celebration. I can sense strength and courage in your words. You will overcome these mountains!
Please take care and remember that brighter tomorrows are ever waiting for you to seek them out.
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I needed to note this before I write a proper response because the shit you got for your writing was such a piss off.
I do a lot of reading, and I see less grammatical mistakes in your stories than most published novels and articles with professional editors.
It's easy for me to dismiss those people as assholes that you should ignore but at the same time I routinely delete comments and such I write here and on reddit before anyone reads them because I don't have the energy for the argument or criticism to follow.
I love the writing you and Anzel do. I'm actually on my 3rd re read of the entire Q&B universe. If either you two decide to write something that isn't on Fimfic I want to read it.
I don't really know you but I'm proud of you.
In a year where you claim to have no evidence of doing anything, you did more than most people ever get around to.
You experienced something horrible, it brought up even more horror, and then you took the steps to deal with it. Jesus I've been putting off dealing with my PTSD for years. I'm really impressed.
I'm glad we got this update from you. If this is the last thing you post on here I'm okay with that. But I was actually worried about you when you stopped posting.
So thank you for getting help and congrats on getting that surgery done, it must feel amazing!
I'm sorry about what happened, but I'm glad that you're doing better now.
Good luck and I hope soon you would be able to put all those bad things behind you.
I write this not out of pity or anything like that, but I respect you greatly. Your stories like those of some others offer me an escape from the world we live in, and the chance to explore new worlds, following people going through many things both good and bad, growing and showing that anything can be overcome in time as long as you don't give up and let other help.
Your story shared in this post much like the fiction you write, is inspiring as it once again shows that even the most painful things can be overcome as long as you never give up and you let the right people in to help you like you have.
I am not offering hero worship or pity, because as characters like Golden Pants show, not everything is as it seems, and we all have something that makes us suffer, regardless of any advantages in life we might have.
The one thing I ask is to never lose hope and to keep moving forward. I hope that one day you will be able to get back to writing more like Crystal's Hopes, and I will gladly wait for the day that I can read it, even if it takes years. ^-^
You and your husband are wonderfull people and your writing is incredible. I love your crystal wishes stories the most since its such a unique take that i dunno how to describe it.
Your journey reminds me that even after five years of my own journey to heal my psychological wounds that stemmed over my entire childhood (which, while not neglect of house or nutrition, was devoid of love and full of anger) there are amazing bright spots and good things that have happened and will continue to happen to us who have suffered. You have sought help for your soul, kept your job, and can feel alive again. I'm marrying my other half, finishing my degree, and kindling familial relationships that were in disrepair.
Continue to remember the good things, and heal onto your new normal.
AER
I have been absent from the site for a while and just finished rereading your and Anzel's stories of Silent and Crystal. I had wondered why there were no new updates for Crystal's Hopes, and now I know.
Acknowledging past hurts and trauma is so extremely difficult to do. I can empathize with that. It sounds to me that you've had such a hard year and that you've made progress in addressing that and other medical needs. Good for you! I hope you continue to march forward. Stay safe during this pandemic and try to keep your head up.
Thank you for the light and joy you have both brought me. Your stories, along with others, have helped me three deaths, loss, and times I might have given up if not for what I found here.
Again thank you your both in my prayers.
hey nice blog post.. good to read..
The word “FAMILY” plays a vital role in every human life because family comes as a top priority; we are well aware of that. Like a tree has its root, stem, branches, leaf, flowers, the same as the family Tree has its structure like grandparents, parents, child, and it keeps continuing from generation to generation.
I hope things have gotten better for you in the past few years, if you even check this site anymore. I hope your doing better than you were then, don’t feel any pressure from this site, it’s the internet.
I hope you're doing better. I'm sad that I got into the Fandom so late, that I wasn't here when many of the writers on this site were still active. But despite that, I'm glad I'm here now and that I can still experience your amazing work. Thank You.
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My dog is named Bella to. She is the sweetest more adorable puppy ever