1st author review (Rumble in the Bunghole) 18+

This is an informal 2nd person review of this mature rated story. Reader's discretion is advised before continuing this review or reading this story. https://www.fimfiction.net/story/454850/rumble-in-the-bunghole 

As a person with little impulse control, I went against my better judgement and decided to rate the first second mature short story I see on fimfiction. Unfortunately, that story was filly con, and I said nope because c’mon, do I really need to explain why? And so, I went with my better judgement and now I’m reviewing the second one I see. The story’s title is Rumble in the bunghole by Dr Sharaz Jek, whose author description reads: "Cynically Pretentious Hedonistic Nihilist...and those are my nicer qualities!" That sure explains a lot, but it won't change how I view the story. While the fanfiction has some entertaining value, the second half of the story is somewhat fun, the story itself has quite a few problems holding it back from reaching it’s full potential, and the criticisms here are something that that the author can learn from to reach his full potential and become better at writing.

Some of the problems are the following, the story’s paragraphs are often eerily grouped with other paragraphs of similar lengths, some of the more enertaining and powerful moments were rushed, and Rumble… just Rumble. I have no doubt that the former two problem are somewhat easy to fix if worked on, but Rumble is… something we need to talk about. 

Sweetie Belle was… Umm… She's sweet but has a flat personality. Maybe she has some moments in the latter half? I don’t know what you personally think of Sweetie Belle, but she didn’t express her core traits, which is a common problem in the fandom. However, Rumble's character is unrelatable, and his moments probably left a bad impression on the more experienced audience of reader. The most disappointing part of the story is in the moment where Sweetie Belle was found out. Sweetie's emotions were... For the lack of better words, failed to be expressed by the author. And Rumble is, without a doubt, the NSFW equivalent G-word. By G-word, I mean Gary Stu.

Let’s take a peek at this scene:

“Uh...um...sorry!” Turning bright red, she timidly started to turn, when he flew from the bath and grabbed her wrist.

You were poking your clam to me, weren't you?” (Eww, him grabbing the wrist and saying that makes me uncomfortable) She somehow turned even whiter all over and he grinned, pulling her to him. Soaking in his body heat, she heaved, almost hyperventilating while she listened to his strong heartbeat. “It's cool. I'd totally do the same if our positions were reversed. Say...want to join me? Maybe we can scratch each other's itch?” 

“R-really?! I mean...” She suddenly felt rather self-conscious. (Rather and suddenly don't do this sentence any favors. And Sweetie didn’t think twice when he said “I’d totally do the same if our positions were reversed”)

“You're one of the prettiest girls I've ever met. I'm lucky.” In an instant she clumsily pressed her lips to his, leaning into him. He nibbled on her lips, pushing his tongue into her mouth, and she wrestled back with him, not minding that he was obviously more experienced. His wingspan wrapped around her, one hand upon her lower back and another sliding to..."

We get the gist. This left a bad taste in my mouth, and not the good kind of bad taste, I mean a REALLY bad taste.This was the worse part of the story for me. By figuring out what went wrong here, his writing would definitely be improved, you'll have less dislikes, because this part is not only the worse moment, but it flopped the REALLY hard.

Before these quotes, we were inside out of Sweetie Belle’s head, but within this very first sentence of this dramatic moment, we were left entirely out. And the way she expressed her embarassment is overplayed and didn’t convey the emotions embarrassment strongly, so I felt no connection with Sweetie here. When she was self-concious, the author litterally told us that she felt self-concious. I could barely feel her emotions at that moment. Perhaps some inner dialogue? IDK, how you would fix that scene?

Meanwhile, I’ve seen a tense moment like this in many TV show, and this is the part where all that tension goes somwhere, like a moment of comedy or a moment of dramatic resistance from at least one of the characters, but the only drama was that she turned to run away and that she felt self-conscious, neither were expressed well. After that, Rumble perfectly dissolved the situation and made the most ‘romantic’ gesture. All the tension could have gone hilariously or dramatically, but it ran straight out of the window. There were no good character moments here.

Speaking of Rumble, he qualifies for the Gary Stu formula; he checks all the boxes:

A Gary Stu can overcome conflict in the story with ease. Rumble did that in the scene we just mention, but seduced her in a quicky dicky with barely any resistance.

A Gary Stu gets all the girls. This one’s easy.

A Gary Stu has a muscular body/perfectly desirable body type and is handsome. Rumble has that.

A Gary Stu don’t have any flaws, but if they do, it’s usually fake flaws. Rumble’s relationships don’t last because he likes to spice up the relationship with kinky stuff. But in the context of the story about centered around kinky stuff, it has no really weight behind it. That also counts as a fake tragic backstory, another thing a Gary Stu has.

Most of all, the essence of a Gary Stu is that he’s an idealized fantasy, Mary Sues as well. Rumble’s here not really a “Chad” but what is basically an incel’s idea of a chad is like. It's fine have some of these traits to a degree, but you can't have them all.

Overall, while some may enjoy this fiction---lust can shut off critical thinking thus readers have lower standards---I’m more focused on the quality of the story. The grammar is okay, but the pacing was trashy. Some moments were made for fun, but the characterization leaves much to desire. Word choice was strong, but the story reeks an of absence of experience and research, if you know what I mean... Read steamy fanfiction, learn some advice on dating. Gain life experience. Read real life love stories. Expand your mind as much as you expand your dong when writing this story.

I still think he’s capable of writing hot story judging on this story alone, the interactions between Rumble and Sweetie are a start of an author writing engaging chemistry, so I believe with some practice, this writer can learn to handle the story well... Pft, handle

Rating: Poor, but shows potential.
Two words to describe this story: Trashy porno.
Looking forward to see the Author progress.