TThe Takeaway

• Equestria Girls
• Comedy
• Random

A typical work day takes a left turn when a young man finds himself in the midst of a robbery.

• Profanity
• Adagio Dazzle
• Sonata Dusk
• Aria Blaze
• Anon

SunTwi06 · 2.5k words  ·  51  5 · 1.5k views

Description

It was supposed to be a regular work day, for one man on the clock it was to be a slow day. But then, she came along, with two other girls, only to realize they have some nasty intentions in mind. Can he rely on his quick wits to get through the day? Or will he find himself getting more than he bargained for?

Initial Thoughts

The description is a bit vague, but based on the tags, I can guess that this story is centered around a point of conflict between Anon and the Dazzlings. That said, there are some issues with the description just in terms of raw grammar. The first sentence is a run-on, suffering from a comma splice; the comma after “day” shouldn’t be there. A period would suffice instead. The second sentence is confusing because it changes subject, and the subjunctive clause becomes just as confusing.

“But then, she came along, with two other girls,” makes the subject of the action “came along” “she (in this case, Adagio). That’s fine, but it’s the “only to realize they have…” that is confusing. That part suggests Anon is the subject, but since he isn’t actually present in the sentence, the whole thing comes off as clunky. Perhaps it should be written as: “But then, she came along, with two other girls, with nasty intentions in mind.” Here the subject remains consistent. 

Onto the story. There will be spoilers!

Summary

When the Dazzlings arrive at his store, Anon at first believes them to be customers, but the moment Adagio pulls out a gun, he realizes this is a stick-up. But the real surprise is that this is not the place anyone would want to rob—it’s a different kind of bank, as it were. Naturally Anon reveals this to the Dazzlings, and naturally they’re upset, but, spurred on by the mindless ramblings of his mouth, Anon suggests that the girls vent their frustrations out on him. How lewd. 

Plot

I have to say, I wasn’t expecting that exact twist. 

For a story over 2k words, it in general does get the job done. The humor worked, in terms of both slapstick dialogue and funny comments from our main character. (I admit freely that I’m not an expert when it comes to writing comedy; as long as it makes me laugh, it works.) The premise, based on the description, was a bit vague and confusing, but the reveal of what the Dazzlings want made up for it. Still, there are points of contention which need addressing.

The setting for this place is ambiguous. It’s necessary to the plot, but when the identity is revealed, the initial ambiguity doesn’t quite connect to it. This is a sperm bank, but to my knowledge, you wouldn’t treat it as though it’s a convenience store, with a worker manning the counter. Not to get grossly biological, but because sperm are delicate by their nature, they need to be enclosed and kept in a very cold environment in order to be preserved. That’s why they are stored in medical facilities. 

The ambiguous description may have been intended to subvert the reader’s expectation that this is a regular store, but given the coy nature of most (not Sonata, by most interpretations) of the Siren Sisters, I found it difficult to be convinced of their ignorance. Surely they would have noticed that, by the building’s premise, structure, and/or presentation, something was wrong. 

Why this matters is simple: this is a story whose heart is in its setting. The point of the comedy is to direct the reader’s attention to that setting. And the conflict between the characters is about that setting, either directly or indirectly. As such, setting becomes central to the plot, but in this case, the setting is lacking just a bit more “believability.” 

This can be remedied by offering up a bit more telling descriptions that would inform the reader upon a closer glance that this is not your ordinary bank; and if the Dazzlings were, perhaps, to make one or two comments about how strange of a bank this is, that would add to the reader’s suspicion. 

Score - 6/10

Characterization

This is actually the strongest feature of the story. I enjoy a good Dazzling fic every now and then, and thanks to Rainbow Rocks, we have established archetypal mannerisms for them that weave their way into any story, and can be freely used. In this case, we see those archetypes as they are: Adagio is coy and intimidating, Aria is brusque, Sonata is a bit of an air-head. All are still equally menacing in the way that Equestrian villains are, yet the way they play off of each other renders this menacing aspect partially obsolete, in a way that works with the comedic tone of the story.

The fourth character, our main character, narrator, and victim, however, is a bit wanting. The author used the tag Anon, but traditionally speaking, when that happens, most authors will write the story in 2nd-person or will substitute Anon for that character’s name. What this story provides instead is a variation of the Purple Pony Syndrome (or Alicorn syndrome, I guess nowadays?); using epithets like “the purple pony” to say Twilight is the most common case (and by epithet, I mean short descriptive phrase expressing a characteristic of a person or thing). Here, the story uses “the young man” or “the man”, which comes off as grating and unnecessarily vague.

I understand the intent was to take the anonymity of Anon literally, but just as a rule of thumb, writing epithets instead of nouns or pronouns is poor writing. Specificity is good for characterization, even or especially at the most basic level, that of names. I would therefore advise that in the place of these phrases, the author use Anon or some other name. You don’t lose anything by using it. 

Score - 7/10

Syntax

Since the perspective is Anon’s, we expect that the manner by which the story is told would reflect that character, however broadly defined that character is. Thus, in terms of structure and tone, that is what we would expect, and generally speaking, the story delivers. Between the comedic asides and soft soliloquies, Anon sounds like your typical minimum-wage worker (do sperm bank workers make minimum wage? Well, that’s a needless point), which works, actually, quite nicely with the intent of trying to hide the true identity of his workplace. 

Yet looking deeper into the sentences themselves elicited several concerns. I found frequent occurrences of run-ons, incorrect capitalization when it comes to dialogue tags, and changes in tense. Take the fourth sentence in  the second paragraph, for example:

But otherwise, he was looking at fifty years before he finally makes enough to work off his debit and pay off all his loans.

It begins in past tense, then ends in present. Tenses should be consistent throughout the story unless the story itself dictates otherwise (such as in cases where the narrator wants to talk in abstraction, or refers to the events of the story from “the present day” like in memoirs). 

There are also instances of what some call “hyper-justification” or “hyper-correction.” This usually comes about as superfluous description—description that isn’t necessary given the context of the sentence or subject. For instance:

A voice jolted the man to life, as if he were half-asleep.

The second half of this sentence is unnecessary, because the connotation behind “jolted… to life” already indicates he was falling asleep, as does the several paragraphs before this one. 

Basically, one must trust their reader to understand them, and generally the reader will. Let sentences and their meanings speak for themselves, and if done clearly, the meaning will come across without the need for constant justification or correction. 

Score - 6/10

Final Score - (6 + 7 + 6) / 3 = 6.3/10

Concluding Thoughts

This story is a decent situational comedy overall. It was fun to read, for sure, and I assume it was fun to write, just based on the natural comedic tone that carried throughout. But it suffers a bit from issues of story procedure. A fine-tooth comb would be needed to adjust the several smaller issues, but the larger ones, such as believability, need a bit more padding and a fully fleshed-out revision in order to be fixed. 

If you enjoy situational comedy and a quick romp through the slightly absurd (in the way that only situational comedy can bring), you’ll definitely enjoy The Takeaway. 

Thank you for the review. I apologize for the mistakes and admittly, I did want it to be vugue as to keep the readers from getting the joke right away. I'm glad you enjoyed it and with this knowledge, I'll be sure to either fix this story when able or make sure these problems do not occur in the future. Thank you for your time