Bella and Edward pork all night, and she’s still not satisfied. It takes Edward saying Nessie’s name to snap her out of it. They get changed; we get another mention of how the closet is filled with lotsa clothes and can’t ANYTHING come hard to this couple?! In the middle of changing, we get yet another reminder of how so frigging hot like whoa Edward is that somehow manages to double as a reminder that their sex is TOATELLY GRAET EWE GAIS:

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Bella’s stressing out about everything: the Volturi, Alice’s desertion, the fact that she’ll have to learn how to fight, J. Jenks, the vampires who’ll be coming over, everything. She tries to talk to Edward about it, but before she can get the words out, he’s kissing her. And then she just forgets about asking questions for the night.

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Snide phrase that connects back to the chapter title in some way.

While Jacob and Seth are on patrol, Jacob wonders why the Cullens just don’t take Bella somewhere else, away from Sam. Seth says he’s already asked that; the Cullens have too many medical supplies to transport easily, and collecting them takes a lot of time. This debate takes two whole pages. I hate this book.

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Even though her first encounter with him was almost completely negative (except for the fact that he’s so frigging hot like whoa), Bella’s next day at school is terrible because Edward isn’t there. She keeps expecting him to show up, as if he’s skipping school to wind her up. She suspects his absence is her fault, which I can kinda see, but is also ridiculous and egotistical (something she herself points out, but that doesn’t make it not ridiculous and egotistical).

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It’d rained in the previous chapter, but Bella wakes up to find the weather cold enough freeze the rain solid, coating everything in a layer of ice and turning the roads into an ice rink. Naturally, school’s cancelled; there’s no way the school’s going to let students drive out in those conditions.

No, wait. School’s not cancelled. Students have to drive out in those conditions.

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Holy crap was this chapter uneventful.

Bella’s dream of Edward can be summed up like this: “Edward’s so frigging hot like whoa, but I can’t get to him.” (By the way, I’m not exaggerating with working that phrase into every post thus far. Nearly every mention of Edward talks about how beautiful he is.)

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After a little more waiting, Alice gets another convenient vision of James in another room. When she sketches out the room, Bella recognizes it as her mother’s family room; James is going after Renee to get to Bella. Fortunately, the rest of the Cullens will be arriving in Phoenix soon. (Side note: there’s two or three more times when Bella says something stupid about Edward’s absence, like, “Just a few more hours to keep breathing till he was here.”, but I’m giving up commenting on them.

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I did. These books are predictable.

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As the Volturi talk, Bella keeps her shield up. Jane and Alec attempt to incapacitate the Cullens and their allies, to keep them from running away, but it’s to no avail against Bella’s shield. When the Volturi break off, Aro says that, regardless of the decision, it doesn’t need to come to violence and it would be a shame for anyone to die. This prompts exclamations of disbelief from the Cullens’ side. I’d just like to remind you all one more time that the only evidence of the Volturi wanting

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Bella finally decides to look into J. Jenks. She drives Jacob and Nessie over to Charlie’s, telling Edward that she wants to give Charlie a chance to visit Nessie so she can use the away time to head to Seattle. Why she can’t just say, “I need to go to Seattle. Alice left a message that she only wanted me to see. I want to tell you but I don’t think I should. Sorry.”, I don’t know. Jacob’s still not happy with the vampires, particularly the Romanians. Nessie, however, is fascinated with them,

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Showing fantastic proactivity, the Cullens wait for Alice to return. For hours. They don’t even send someone out to check up on her. What do Bella and Edward do during this? Take a wild guess.

We’d stared at each other all night, staring at what neither of us could live through losing: the other.

CM + 1

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Bella gets a new house for her birthday and it’s purty.

That’s it.

I FUCKING HATE THIS BOOK.

Well, okay. That’s not completely it. It does have one of the better Alice moments, where she and Edward have both gotten Bella gifts and each wants to give theirs first:

“I know — I’ll play you for it,” Alice suggested. “Rock, paper, scissors.”

Jasper chuckled and Edward sighed.

“Why don’t you just tell me who wins?” Edward said wryly.

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Bella’s so over-the-moon about Edward taking her to Seattle that she’s late for class. She spends the next few hours in an Edward-induced haze. In the cafeteria at lunch, he asks her to sit with him and says he’s giving up trying to avoid her. Even though he still says they should stay away. No, he doesn’t say why. Bella changes the subject, admitting she’s trying to figure out what Edward’s deal is; she guesses a lot of stuff related to superheroes. It goes back and forth for a few pages and

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At school, Bella has to endure comments about her fainting during the blood test, even though someone else also had to be taken to the nurse’s office. One of her friends makes fun of her for it and still expects Bella to tell her about what Edward wanted to talk about during lunch. Oh, and the worst part of the day is that Edward isn’t there (he’s going hunting over the weekend and left early). Seriously, she describes gloom engulfing her. How many times have you talked to him again? Three?

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At home, Bella tries to avoid thinking about Edward, so she… Well, just read this. Stuff like this is why Twilight is as long as it is:

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When Bella wakes up the next morning, it’s incredibly foggy. Edward’s waiting for her in the driveway, ready to take her to school, and we get crap like this:

I noticed that he wore no jacket himself, just a light gray knit V-neck shirt with long sleeves. Again, the fabric clung to his perfectly muscled chest. It was a colossal tribute to his face that it kept my eyes away from his body.

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Bella enters her house and begins packing as best she can, all while screaming out the door about how she hates Edward. Charlie keeps trying to ask what’s going on, but Bella’s nearly incoherent, yelling that she hates Forks and wants to go back to Phoenix. Then Charlie drops a bombshell: her mother, Renee, might be back in Phoenix at the end of the week, as Renee’s husband is having trouble finding a job in Florida (he’s a minor league baseball player, in case you’ve forgotten), but an Arizona

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Bella awakes in a hotel in Phoenix at three in the morning. Thinking back, her memories of the trip are a haze, and she vaguely remembers falling asleep. Alice and Jasper sit and watch TV, waiting for a call from Carlisle about an update, any update. Bella has some anxiety over the Cullens going against James (five against two isn’t bad odds!), but Alice says their only fear is losing Bella, because:

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Bella wakes up in a hospital, Edward at her side. According to him, she’s got a broken leg, four broken ribs, a cracked skull, and bruises everywhere, on top of losing a lot of blood. The explanation he gave to the doctors and Bella’s parents is that she fell down two flights of stairs and out a window. Supposedly, that could plausibly happen to her.

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Bella has another dream about the immortal child, again with the Volturi coming for him, only this time she feels powerful and wants to protect him. Why? ’Cause he’s purty? Didn’t you hear about all the destruction they could cause? The Volturi are trying to keep vampires secret and keep humans from hunting them down. It’s not like they’re stomping around, going, “No fun allowed!” It’s like they’re trying to keep you from skating somewhere because that somewhere is a minefield. When she wakes

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