With some changes on Star Swirl's time spell, Twilight accidentaly gets trapped in the past. But after saving two fillies and enlisting them to be her students in magic, they go on adventures together to survive the ruthless world they live in. With new friendship and foes, they discover what it truly means to be family by choice.
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Now with the collaborative efforts of Angel Bunny, Fausticorn and soulwinds!
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Art by awsdemlp.deviantart.com
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People who I am in deep gratitude for offering help:
amacita
MidnightDancer
Skunktrain
Cerulean Starlight
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And FAN ART by 1110soulite!
Chapters (14)
Interesting premise and well written to boot. I'll be watching this.
This is only the second fic I've read with Twi as Cely's mother and I always love them. Can't wait for Twi's reaction when she finds out who Celeste and Selene really are.
can't wait for the nect update
This story... I like it
interesting story. I'll follow it to see were you take it
Hm, the plot's a little rushed (Ithink jumping straight to 'be our mom' in one day is a little much) but the concept is a cool idea. Might have to keep an eye out on this one :)
You keep switching to first person, present tense, and lines like "wickedly sweet" don't sound like things the characters would say.
2609030
actually i can kinda see, that the question came up after a day
both fillies didn't ever have someone being nice to them(besides themselves), i can see that Selene, the younger and more naive one, being eager to call the second pony who ever was nice to her 'Mom'
Great story can't wait for the next chapter.
The moment I read that synopsis, I knew this story to be destined for greatness!
That and you couldn't have picked a much more epic story-relevant picture.
Interesting. I'll be following this.
I really hope that this story operates on a stable time loop and that Twilight didn't just create some freaky time paradox.
Following this story anyways. It really sounds interesting.
TBH as soon as Twilight became their mother my brain clicked into...
[Super hero voice]
FANON IS CANON MODE!
Away!
2609044
You're probably right. This is my first story after all. I'll be editing that tomorrow. Thanks
2609285
i doubt that she could create a Paradox, we already saw what happend when Twilight WANTED to change the past with this spell
I already read it twice and I wanted to ask when do you plan on putting up the next chapter?
You should probably use italics when Twilight has an inner thought, or at least mark it somehow. I have also noticed you word some things oddly, like "an" instead of "in". It's not grievous things, but it makes for a strange sentence structure. The pacing seems a little fast and the dialog a little forced at times. Past that, good start and interesting premise.
I'm wondering, HOW THE HELL DOES TWILIGHT NOT RECOGNIZE THAT SHE HAS JUST ADOPTED CELESTIA AND LUNA. But I want to know Twilight's reaction when she discovers this. And how are they going to become alicorns? Do they need to be blasted with the elements of harmony to get wings?
Hmm, I think it would be better if Twilight's thoughts were in italics, or with dashes or something in front and after them. It'll make it easier to read, 'cause it can be a little confusing at times.
The 'mother' thing also seems a little too rushed, I think it's best if you slow it down a bit.
Otherwise, great story! Liking and watching
I like where this is going
onwards and upwards
Need to work on the pacing and sentence structure a little bit. Feels as if you are combining two sentences that mean the same thing, but when smashed together they do not flow well at all. I think someone pre-reading or editing for you and pointing out the little mistakes would do you good.
Great so far, loving the idea of this story. If you can take a little criticism though, I gotta say that it feels a bit rushed.
Your story is interesting, but you need to stay consistent with style and tone. That means no switching between first and third, consistent narration style, and giving greater care to the characters. Thoughts should be shown in italics, and be a bit more careful with your characterizations- Twilight should be panicking right now, she's not exactly good with stress.
Oh, and remember that when two different characters speak, they go in different paragraphs. It makes your writing confusing and difficult to muddle through when you write more than one character's speech in a single paragraph.
In fact, lets boil this all down- get a pre-reader. You desperately need one.
My main complaint about this is not the switching of times and stuff like that, it's more that you italize or otherwise mark thoughts.
You have a piece of narration and right behind it, without any indication you switch to Twilight's thoughts. This can become kind of confusing and you do it repeatedly.
It's "rang".
Slllllooooooowwwww Dooowwwnnnn.
Then it's golden!
I like it!
upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/thumb/3/34/Eddard_Stark.jpg/250px-Eddard_Stark.jpg
As I've read through this, I've noticed you've not started a new paragraph whenever somepony new starts talking. It's not a big fix, so it's nothing to throw a fit about, but it is a fix that needs to be made. It'll keep the dialogue more organized and easier to follow. There were a few other errors that need to be fixed, mostly word choice and sentence structure.
I'm also in agreement with the others in saying this seems to be moving a bit too quickly. You might want to slow it down a bit. Other than all that, I really like this story and I look forward to seeing where you're going to go with this! I can already tell this is going to make for a very engaging tale.
Best of luck to ya, kiddo! /)
-Silver Quill
Me gusta
I had this idea quite a while ago, except it was somewhat different.
There are a couple of issues here;
There needs to be a paragraph here.
This doesn't strike me as something Twilight would say.
There needs to be something to help the reader tell that she's thinking to herself instead of talking out loud, or if she is there need to be speech marks for it.
Despite those things, there is definitely potential in this story, and it's an original idea (a very very rare thing to see). It''l be interesting to see how Twilight's actions affect the timeline. Speaking of time, I take it we won't see a certain stallion in this fic?
A bit rushed, a few mistakes here and there, but nothing that overall detracts from the story, at least in my opinion.
Keep going with this as I would love to see this story to completion.
cdn.derpiboo.ru/media/BAhbBlsHOgZmSSJhMjAxMi8wNy8zMS8xMl8zNF8xOF8xMzdfNjI5MjRfX3NhZmVfdHdpbGlnaHRfc3BhcmtsZV9hbmltYXRlZF9sb29rX2JlZm9yZV95b3Vfc2xlZXBfY2xhcHBpbmcGOgZFVA/62924__safe_twilight-sparkle_animated_happy_look-before-you-sleep_clapping.gif
Started out a little fast but I'm hooked. Similar but not identical plot to Que Sera Sera
Still going pretty fast but again I love the plot. Nice cover art too
In addition to everything everyone else is saying, I noticed an unnecessary page break.
As it is still Twilight and she is still in the village, max amount of time passed is maybe ten minutes, it's perfectly fine without the break. Also at the end of the sentence here it should be armor not armors.
Gotta love mummy Twi!
As everyone else here has said, the pacing needs work, but other than that it's great! Keep it up!
The story seems interesting, I just hope you can pull of the time travel consequences with no hassle.
This is like Que Sera sera... but far better!
You need an editor in a bad way. There are so many formatting, tense, grammar, style, and characterization issues that not even the interesting premise can hold me over.
Twilight is missing a lot of obvious stuff she shouldn't be, characters are just saying how they feel, introspection isn't distinguished from narration, and this list of transgressions just goes on. You should check out some of the chans or writing groups to get some help on your future chapters in addition to revising these ones you've already posted. I do some pre-reading on the side and would also be happy to take a look.
2609095 I don't know, even still I'd say it would take more then one day. Not saying it should have been long after but a but yeah. it weakens the emotional weight a bit when you jump straight to that... heck even Twilight I see being at least hesitant at the sudden question needing more then one paragraph to agree... But that may just be me.
I still like the the fic though and will keep an eye on where it goes.
2608725 Here, take this. fc04.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2013/141/7/f/ftryuiytfrdf_by_blackfoxfurry7-d6624yh.jpg
2610014 hehe THX
Have a moustache
This is decent enough, but you seriously need to get an editor. Take your pick.
You have a tendency to have two characters speak in the same paragraph. For example:
I really enjoy this story so far but you need a proofreader. The only other note I have for you is that you shouldn't be afraid to slow down now that you have established the main characters. If only so we can see their relationship take shape. I can tell you have a grand adventure planned but giving us time with the characters and the breathing room that comes with a varied pace will just make it stronger.
MORE!!!!!!!!
This is a very sweet premise! No wonder this story is in the featured panel! Though I do wonder when Twilight will see the resemblance of the princess fillies to their older selves! Not to mention when will she notice they're alicorns?
Wow. Just...wow.
MORE!!!!!
I can not see how this story is receiving such high praise. I admit, I went into it with high expectations due to it having 140 upvotes and all of 0 downvotes, but I was sadly disappointed.
The short of it is that this story is badly paced, consistently uses faulty grammar, and you're constantly switching between past and present tense. (Not to mention first and third person.)
Yeah, I get that this is a first story for you, and I admit that the premise is interesting, but you desperately need a good pre-reader. If you do get one, listen to him or her, and make sure he or she isn't afraid to bombard you with criticism. Being good takes Work. You don't want to write fanfictions with as much literary value as the Twilight vampire series do you? (Unless you get a boatload of cash for it. It's totally worth writing crappy fiction if it comes with a boatload of cash.)