Distant Gaze
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Suggestion: instead of having your OC change his personality, only on several occasions, why not give him the permanent attitude? Also, it's Sombra's power that corrupted the stallion, could you at least, intensify his bossy attitude a bit, then add some playcolt attitude in it?
If you don't want, then it is fine. It's just a suggestion.
2697333
There's corruption. If you look at the beginning of the first chapter, he was reasonably friendly. After he acquires power, he's much more demanding. He'd never have done what he did in chapter 3 before. Sombra is gone, though. He isn't possessing Done Deal.
2697420
It's not meant to be several changes. It may not be obvious enough in just three chapters, or I may need to write it more clearly, but what may have seemed like multiple changes is just the difference between calm and angry.
As for increasing bossiness, etc., the corruption is meant to be progressive; more will come. Sombra isn't taking him over, though. Darkness is corrupting Done Deal, but he's retaining his own personality, just darkened. This isn't some second coming of Sombra; the purposes of this story, he was blowed up but good.
Edit: Consolidated my two replies into one to avoid comment spamming my own fic.
We enjoy this story! We are a fan of mind control and thou art writing an excellent story. We enjoy thy character development and look forward to thy next scroll. Keep up thy good work!
Thanks, whoever stuck this in the MC/hypnosis group. I've tried on and off for two hours to get this thing in the right groups, but the list box that comes up when I click "Add to Groups" is always empty, and the search field for it does nothing. Feel free to stick it in the Clopfics and Rape groups as well, if you don't mind; I'd have done it myself if it were letting me.
Edit: All set now! Thanks to whoever took care of it for me!
I sense I'll be having fun with this one...
Oh yes, this is excellent, I can't wait to see more~
2698017
Thanks! I felt bad disappointing you (and others, but you'd been especially excited after chapter 13) when I stopped writing for LightMask's green text conversion, so I'm glad to see this is to your liking as well.
2698024
Aww, thanks for remembering about me, man! Admittedly I'm hopeful for seeing these "bizarre fetishes" you speak of to continue where chapter 13 left off, among other, salacious things.
Nice to see you back in action so soon.
Wow, they messed up the order and didn't even bother apologizing or fixing the problem? Truly, the food service on that train is more despicable than evil mind controlling rapists.
This story is fucking awesome!!!
2698382
Maybe she's a ponified Arby's employee.
2698417
Thanks. Nothing makes me want to write more like knowing people have enjoyed something.
aaaaaaaaaaaand now I'm uncomfortably erect. Again. That's the 6th time today. DAMN YOU SOMBRAAAAAAAA
I was awed by this chapter
Here's hoping he goes subtle and manages his way up to Celestia and Luna.
This was so good I forgot to comment right away, seriously that good.
Gentle breeze guide you home, and a warm smile to welcome you.
Wish you luck on further going, am interested to see how this charater grows and his limits.
Can't wait for more!
I am strangely aroused by this.
i.imgur.com/4PqrQrL.gif
Have my upvote
Tons of want.
i.imgur.com/TrIxGA4.png
Awesome story, and congrats on your feature, Distant!
2699713
^This.
just saying you don't need clop in every chapter. btw love the story
What I wouldn't pay for that power. Holy shit that would be amazing.
2701462
Thanks for the praise, and the comment about smut density!
I tend to like my porn with a side of porn, so a strong majority of chapters, especially before major conflict starts, are going to have sex. Once Done Deal has things to worry about besides having his way, and the rate of new character introduction slows down, you'll start seeing chapters without any sex, but they're probably a fair way off. I'm also planning on some chapters that stand alone--if I have an idea for a sex scene, but it wouldn't advance the actual narrative, I'll flag the chapter title as PC (pure clop), to let readers know that this is a chapter to read if you want sex, but it's really just about Done Deal getting his rocks off, and can be safely skipped.
great fic,
the idea is good, but it isn't really mind-break, just oped hypnosis
This is interesting, very interesting. All I can say is that you don't need clop in every chapter. If it fits (pun intended) fine, but don't go out of your way to make it happen.
dafuq did i jus read? it was . . . interesting . . . so . . . much . . . STUFF . . .
my Crystal SLAVES
2702072
I love this quote, so much.
2702725
I'm sure some characters in the future (such as ones with a bit of magical power themselves) might take a little more... 'coercion' to see things Done Deal's way.
2704613
The author of this fic assumes no responsibility for pepper sprays, angry mob beatdowns, or castration by cave tour guides that may occur as a result of reading this story. Readers assume all responsibility for any suffering, injury, or death that may occur as a result of their own actions.
I came.
You know what? The first thing I worried about while reading this story was that the main character was going to damage the stalactites when he went off the trail. Now I see there are much worse doings afoot.
2705374
The stalactites in the large chamber are out of his reach. I could go back and add a paragraph where he bucks a stalagmite though, if that drives home the corruption for you. <_<
nice.
Isn't it supposed to be dumbstruck?
2707950
Dumbstruck is the adjective that describes someone who has been struck dumb. http://dictionary.cambridge.org/us/dictionary/learner-english/be-struck-dumb
2702072 I happen to like my porn with a dash of story in them, and am thinking your gonna impress!
Glorious darkness, ever so welcoming but ever so corrupting.
2697995 a. You have to be a member of the groups you want to add it to.
and b. this story's pretty darn good! It's a lot more subtle than I expected with the concept, so I'm looking forward to more
2718213
Ah! That would explain it. I removed myself from groups after getting a notification about a new forum thread; that's just more notifying than I want. Thanks; it was confusing the hell out of me. I'm glad you're enjoying the story. I definitely plan for it to be a bit more nuanced than just "YAY POWERS, I WIN."
Damn school internet. I don't wanna risk activating "view mature" so I'll have to wait 'til I get home.
2705423
You should have him go back and break them after he's taken over Equestria.
You know... to show everybody that he's REALLY evil at that point.
Neat. Not a huge fan of the themes picked, but I liked both the clop and the plot chapters.
2729288
The inherent danger of writing a story you warn upfront will contain "bizarre fetishes" is that while there may be something for everyone (eventually, anyway), there will also always be things that don't appeal to any given reader. I'm glad you were able to enjoy the chapters despite the specific themes not being your thing, though.
That was entertaining, power trips of mind control/hypnosis are the most entertaining. In what way I guess is up to the reader.
Also don't be afraid of going further then intended those often end with rather interesting results on the victim!
Another great tri-upload. Good job
2730382
First to comment on chapter 4 specifically, maybe, but I'm afraid there have been a few comments on these updates already back in the main comment list for the story! Nonetheless, happy birthday whenever it is!
I really do need to stop doing three chapter bursts. Last weekend, I was up until 6am Saturday morning, and 5am Sunday morning to get the first three chapters up. This weekend I spent my entire day Saturday writing, ending up with a nasty cramp in my arm!
I need to space stuff out better. Also, I can't believe that with all of these nice pony emoticons, there's nothing for being exhausted!
Gotta agree with Arzoo, it's decent clop but I'm not a fan of the LD chapter. Personal preferences and all I guess. Plus, setting her up like that to lose at everything is a massively shitty thing to do, and doesn't really keep in line with how he was acting.
2731400
The intention is that he gets worse over time, but I agree with you that his behavior toward Lightning Dust was a jump. Bear in mind, though, that he left the train attendant in a bad way too. (She now considers the things he made her do for Jade and himself to be good customer service when mistakes are made.) Ponies with no reason for him to care about them aren't getting much consideration. The ponies getting the (relative) mercy are ones who've known him. Pirouette in particular is his closest friend. Lightning Dust was making a nuisance of herself in his establishment, hurting business. She wasn't going to get the same kind of benefit.
That said, I still do agree with you that it was a big jump. I probably wouldn't have gone so far if it weren't a PC chapter, but then, if it weren't a PC chapter, I never would've used Lightning Dust anyway.