- Member Since 22nd Feb, 2012
- offline last seen Dec 31st, 2023
StrongBrush1
I write stuff. Some day I hope to write stuff for a living. In the meantime, enjoy my dumb little universe where 90% of stuff is supposed to be funny.
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StrongBrush1 · 1.1k words · 10 2 · 668 views
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Is it just me or is someone determined to keep the likes and dislikes at 50/50?
5 stallions, a dragon, and the god of chaos walk into a bar... Sounds like the opening of a good joke.
2775401good story. Can't wait to see more!
2776227
Thanks. Next chapter might be a while, but I promise it'll be good.
whalethen.com/files/7ca.gif
I'll likely be commenting here again in the future, just putting down a couple notes from the first couple paragraphs I read in chapter 1.
First off, your spacing. You do know you're supposed to hit Enter twice, right? You're getting dangerously close to a text wall here.
Second, don't bleep out your swears. You're an adult, you can say the whole thing.
Third, use actual pony curse words. 'Fuck' is ours, and I doubt Equestria would have a language exactly like our own. Hell, they might not even speak English for all we know! English was just the medium used for the show because no one would understand the dialogue if they created a native language for Equestria.
Fourth, slow the fuck down, man. You don't need to pump the page full of dialogue. You're good on description, definitely, but there needs to be more meat to it.
Fifth, don't go wild with the horizontal lines. You can use other methods to imply a scene break.
Sixth, you can have people interrupt the story along the way without breaking it up with horizontal lines. I do it all the time when my characters are telling a story, they just randomly pop in and break the flow. You know, as an interruption in a story actually would do.
I will commend you on your word count, though, but you hit us in the face with a plot twist right at the start. Put us in Thunderlane's perspective, what he's thinking, what he'd say in that situation. Don't do it outside of the story, either, you can fit it all in as narrative.
Hell, you could even construct the story completely from dialogue, though I'd advise against this. Check back later for a possible example, since I'm supposed to be working right now.
2776872
Thanks for the constructive criticism. Believe me, the last thing I want to do is write something that people don't like. In fact, I might rewrite these first two chapters at some point so that the story flows better.
Okay...so does Thunderlane have magic semen or somesuch because you do not get pregnant and then start morning sickness that bloody fast. Sorry but i'm off.
2785428
I'm sorry if I put you off.
You know what? After seeing the criticism I've gotten on this thing, I'll probably delete this fic someday and upload a version that:
A. Isn't boring,
B. Makes more sense,
and C. Doesn't seem incredibly contrived.
But for now, I'd just like to finish this fic so I can get all of the major shipping out of my system.
2788530 I wasn't commenting to upset or offend, simply to state my opinion that this wasn't for me. It wasn't meant to be an attack on you or your talents. I apologize as looking back it is a poor comment.
Here's a better one: I like the idea of a bar underneath Sugarcube Corner, it fits and is a good place to have characters interact with each other. My trouble was it didn't feel like a common space, it felt very token as a place for the characters to meet and not much else.
The characters felt very blank when they weren't specifically speaking. It came across as a strange blend of a flashback and the character telling a story. I think that's something you need to work on because I found it jarring but it was a good attempt.
The stories you were implying felt amusing and interesting, the side mentions of them and the promises to return to them was well done. It felt accurate to a casual conversation.
Honestly this a cute fic and it does have potential to be fun, you need to clear some things up and really address the idea that someone can become visibly pregnant in less than 24 hours. Ultimately this isn't something I personally want to read but that doesn't make it a bad fic, just not a fic I'm interested in. I'll still recommend it to people who may enjoy it.
Sorry for leaving such a rubbish comment earlier.
2791195
It's alright. I wasn't completely happy with the results of this anyway. Expect an update to these first two chapters sometime soon.
Interesting story, I like it how that for a clop story that has some good interaction with characters and how in a way that all of these short-stories in flashbacks are connected to each other. Hard to execute and plan out, but very nice to show how the story is unique when compared to others, especially the drama component with the Thunderlane and Pinkie Pie chapter.
All in all, I find it a decent read so far. Sure it's not the best, but it's good for what it is. Keep up the good work, man.
Inb4 changelings.
i1.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/348/331/8b0.jpg
3714880 You called it. Kind of.
3946416
Welp. I'm glad I was correct in my assumption.
Also, loved this story!
How the hell did she reach over to put her hooves in his ass?
5141817 Well there are a number if different explanations I could offer you, but I'm going to go with the most truthful one:
I'm unfamiliar with equine anatomy.
I hope you at least enjoyed the story, nitpicks notwithstanding. It took me eight months to write this!
More like a nice, hot rainbow pie with 20% more spicy.
Weird.
I hope that this new one-shot will involved Spike getting laid.
2776193 Seriously.
Cya
Raziel-chan
Room 34, eh?
Can't wait to get to discuss l Discord's story.
Cya
Raziel-chan
She's flatlining, quick, get her 1500 CCs of the D!
Cya
Raziel-chan
He did her in the plothole? Wouldn't Yay cause more consistency issues?
Cya
Raziel-chan
Rainbow made his D 20 percent thicker.
Cya
Raziel-chan
Huh, so Twilight is really Spike's mother in this verse.
Cya
Raziel-chan
The fun has been doubled!
Cya
Raziel-chan
5141817 Shapeshifter.
That was awesome. I knew Chryssie and Discord would go from angry to sex in the span of seconds.
Cya
Raziel-chan
6770022 Dat necro reply tho.
Still, kinda wish it was mentioned how did she shapeshift to be able to do that.
6770022
Glad you enjoyed my story enough to leave eight new comments on it.
D'awwww, sweet ending.
6770413 I have no idea how I missed the last chapter, unless it was hidden at the time of something.