"I'm telling you Twilight it's the one of the biggest ships I've ever seen!" Rainbow Dash exclaimed as she told Twilight of the ship. "We need to report this to Princess Celestia immediately." Twilight responded, all the while pondering where the ship could be from.
Princess Celestia sat atop her throne as she read the letter she had just received. "Luna, you are knowledgeable in weaponry. Do you know of any warship's that match this description?" Taking the letter from Celestia, Luna read the letter from Twilight describing what Rainbow Dash had seen.
"It does not sound like any warship I know of. It certainly does not sound big enough to be a battleship. I haven't the slightest clue."
"Then we must investigate this vessel. I will send Twilight and her friends as well as some royal guards to find the ship."
The girls and five royal guards walked along the beach scanning the horizon for the ship. As they walked they saw a white pegasus in golden armor flying towards them. The stallion landed in front of the group and saluted the head guard in the group.
"Sir, Red Flight has located the ship about five miles north of here."
"How far off shore is it?"
"About one mile but it appears to be sailing towards the beach."
Twilight was alarmed by this information. If it was indeed a warship could it be getting close to try and fire on a town or city? The group continued north in a run and was at the beach within ten minutes
As Hochstetter scoped the beach he saw what looked like large white and golden birds flying over the tree line. As he watched them he saw technicolored creatures walking along the beach. This was strange and Hochstetter felt that this deserved investigating.
"Stop engines and prepare a raft to take me ashore!"
As the raft pushed away from the sub Hochstetter ordered the crew to come ashore if the men in the raft weren't back in twenty minutes.
As the group stood on the beach they could see creatures in a raft leave the ship. Now everyone was on high alert as the raft headed towards shore. "Everypony hide! When they land we'll arrest 'em!" came the order from the head guard.
Captain Hochstetter took one last glance at the U-Boat as they neared the shore. He turned his attention on the men in the raft. His focus on the four men rowing was broken by the click of a gun bolt. Hochstetter turned and saw the fifth sailor loading an MP 40 sub-machine gun. He didn't see the need for the gun since it looked as though the land was uninhabited. The raft dragged bottom in the shallow water giving the signal for the men to step ashore. As the men stood looking at the beach and the forest beyond it they were suddenly surrounded by a light blue glow and found they couldn't move.
The group had scattered to shelter behind the large rocks on the back of the beach. They could hear the creatures splash in the water as they jumped out of the raft into the shallow water. Twilight, peering around her cover, could see the creatures. They were bipedal and appeared to only have hair on their heads. They wore blue uniforms except for one, who wore a leather jacket and wore a white cap with golden oak leafs. "That must be the captain." Twilight whispered to herself. As the creature looked around she could see his face, he had green eyes and thick black hair with a bit of stubble on his chin. Nearby she could see the commander of the guards peering from his spot and saw his horn glowing blue. She turned and saw the sailors surrounded by a blue hue and them being forced to the ground.
Captain Hochstetter sat on the beach, still surrounded by the blue glow. He could see the other men out of the corner of his eye and saw they too were still in the grasp of what ever this was. Hochstetter could hear something move behind them. "You are under arrest by the Royal Guard of Equestria!" a voice barked. 'Well we're in deep shit'
The group began to come out of hiding and finally saw what had landed. As they did they finally got a look at the creatures, all but the one in the jacket looked young but the other looked quite a few years older. Two guards approached the sailors and began tying their feet and whatever those things on their arms were together. After they were tied up the blue glow around them disappeared and allowed them to move again. As they watched the new beings they saw one raise his head to look at his captors. When he did a grin slowly crossed his face. "What is so damn funny?" the guard commander asked.
On the beach the sailors sat on their knees looking down at the sand, until one looked up at them and began grinning. As he did so a guard began yelling at him.
"My Grandfather told me story's about creatures like you. That was twenty years ago and I still remember them. He had claimed to have seen your kind one night during the Battle of Wörth. We all thought he was crazy. Now I see he knew more than the rest of us."
The rest of the men looked up in awe at them, except for Hochstetter. He watched the six mares behind the guard; from how they were almost eye to eye with him on his knees he judged that they must be ponies. As he watched them a lavender colored unicorn stepped forward and approached him. She stood in front of him and stared wide eyed. "What are you?" she asked with curiosity and fear in her voice. "I am Captain Wilhelm Hochstetter of the Kriegsmarine. Who are you?" he asked. “Twilight Sparkle.” was the unsteady answer. “Well Miss. Sparkle do you mind telling us where we are?” Hochstetter asked with slight concern in his voice. “You are in Equestria. Now we know that that vessel is too big to only need five sailors and a captain so how many more are there on board?” the guard interrupted.
“I don’t believe you have been introduced to me yet. Who are you?”
“Lieutenant Silver Sword of the Royal Guard. Now enough of this chit-chat bullshit, how many more are on the ship?”
“No need to be hostile Lieutenant, there are forty-six more men on board.”
“Well Captain Hochstetter, you are going to get the rest of your sailors to surrender and you will be held and questioned in the capitol prison until we can figure out how to send you back to where you came.”
“Very well but I demand to be present during the questioning of my men and I ask that you government follow the same rules that we have to follow according to the Geneva Conference."
A look of suspicion appeared on Silver Sword’s face.
“We will see but first the rest of your crew must surrender. Can you get them to do that?”
“I can but I request that they be briefed by you on what is going to happen. Oh and if I were you I wouldn’t mention prison to them. So shall we be shoving off or are we going to sit and talk all day?”
This reminds me of Das Boot and U-571. Ah the memories of those two great movies.
Speaking of which...
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I hadn't watched U-571 in over a year and while I was watching it I had the idea for this. I hope that this goes over better then my last story because I have others planed that will intertwine with this one. A story within a story within a story sort of thing.
I'm a little disappointed the captain would surrender his men like that, and wouldn't they have someone on the ship watching all this happen? Still willing to give it a read as time goes on but i'm having trouble believing it.
Few things, first and foremost; the pacing is way too fast. You're not even 2k words in and they're being arrested by the Royal Guard. Just way too fast.
Second; you should start a new paragraph every time a different person starts speaking. When the Captain and Twilight were speaking the POV switched between them multiple times all in the same paragraph. It should be more like this:
"Who and what are you?" Twilight asked.
"I am Captain James T. Kirk of the U.S.S. Enterprise" Kirk replied calmly.
Very simple and not really great example, but you should get the point: start a new paragraph whenever someone else starts speaking.
Third; why are they being arrested? They have done absolutely nothing wrong, the Germans should be protesting the arresting and bringing that up. Another basic example:
"On what grounds? We have done nothing wrong!" The German Captain protested.
And finally; you went a little overboard with the accent. First, being that they're speaking German to other people speaking German there shouldn't even be an accent in writing. Second, I'm going to guess the ponies are speaking German because you made it seem like all the crew could understand them, not just the Captain, who would be likely to know English.
With that said; the plot is an interesting idea and the spelling and grammar is acceptable. But you really need to slow this down, like a lot. You can't really get in depth with anything and it seems highly implausible that both parties would act the way they did. (Again their reactions are hard to grasp in full because you're just going Way. Too. Fast.)
The number of people with an interest in German WW2 fighting vehicles AND ponies never ceases to amaze me.
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Pacing is something that I never have been good at. My English teacher said similar things about the story's I had to write in her class but I plan on explaining the speaking situation in the next chapter. I'm not the best writer but they go slightly better in my head when I think of them. I just have trouble putting what is exactly in my head into writing so bear with me here. No promises about if it will get better but I'm hoping my writing will improve as the story goes on then I'll go back and edit these chapters.
2837580 I know that feeling, I've had it plenty of time with my stories; I know how to play it out in my head, but not what words to use to play it out on paper. I'll type something then re-read it over ten times tweaking it until I find it acceptable. Been working good for me so far.
Practice makes perfect they say, so in theory you should get better the father you go on. Good luck.
The pacing is way too fast, and the German sailors would not be acting like that.
Anyway, I'll track this to see where it goes.
Ok, on the matter of being arrested, it's hard to tell.
The Germans do seem to know they have better weapons and could resist arrest, but maybe they don't want to fight immediately, maybe the captain is being smart here. I know this is WW2 and in WW2 fics Germans are usually die-hard devotees, but during the war the Kriegsmarine was the least enthusiastic about Nazism of all the branches.
I'll see where it goes.
The Geneva Convention was made in 1949, there should be no way your captain Hochstetter could know what it was unless he somehow when when to the future and then came back.
Slow it the fuck down man, add some details (time, date, location, or just simple facts) and give the characters a sense of reasoning (I very much doubt that people will be as calm as this) and this will turn out to be a good, if not amazing story. The plot is there and all you need to do is fill in the details.