In the wake of her coronation, Twilight Sparkle finds herself unable to cope with the burdens of ruling Equestria. But on the shores of a beach visited once before, she finds a wise and kind stranger...and perhaps the answer to her redemption.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Fear not, dear sir! I come with a review!
The bad first......
I am 90% sure you can't start a sentence with "and" so you should either combine or change these sentences.
No 's just s, window is not possessive.
To words DE SCRIBE I wanted to know what KIND of grueling exam and how embarrassing the armor looked. For color you could say something like "the armor was a deep, rich purple that Strong Arm could only assume matched the coat of Princess Sparkle" see how much better it sounds than "the purple armor" for all we (the readers) know it could be lilac or close to black.
You probably don't need a "sir" at the end unless that's what you wanted in which case you need a comma before it.
This sentence doesn't fit with the rest of the paragraph. You could say something like "Strong Arm was evading like a manic trying to avoid the relentless of rain of wasted taxpayers money. (this particular sentence is a bit redundant but hopefully you see what I mean).
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Now for the good.........
1. I detected no spelling errors.
2. I just realized something, you never said what color Strong Arm is, was that intentional?
3. Your writing is smooth and easy to read. (aside from aforementioned sentences)
And now... the moment you have all been waiting for....... THE FINAL SCORE
out of
Much appreciated good sir! I'll make corrections...when I have more time
But, thank you for the critique, as always
Essentially everything for the above review seems to fix some small errors I noticed. Here's another one.
Uneven use of the enter key. Prematurely hitting enter intensifies.
Now, as far as the actual story goes, I like it. It seems like there's not a lot of descriptive language, though, which can throw some people off with how eloquent and verbose your sentences tend to be. It's a lot of words for such little action. Also, never use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
Now, I can also say that it seemed to me like you're using too many paragraphs, or that your paragraphs are really, really short. Maybe some more descriptive language would help fix that.
Plot and story wise, Twilight definitely has a nice plot. Story wise, I'm interested to see what you do here, or what that argument was about. I would continue writing this story. it has a lot of potential, and I know you'll turn it into something good
I'd write a more in depth review, but we're all tired and worn out from the parade, bro.
8/10, would read again.