“That should keep him locked up until Celestia comes here, or vise-versa.” Shining Armor, captain of the royal guard, was fed up. He didn’t want to wait until Celestia’s decision; he wanted the dark knight dead. But due to his sister’s pleads to keep it alive for a fair trial—whatever that meant, he had to lock him up in a prison cell until further notice. He glanced over his shoulder to a tall brown stallion. The stallion wore a dark brown trench coat and a brown fedora. His mustache covered his muzzle in fur, the only thing giving a hint of where it was the large cigar. The stallion adjusted his glasses as he walked alongside the captain of the guard.
“Make sure that scum doesn't escape from here commissioner.” The brown stallion snorted, the grey smoke seeping through his nose.
“Warden says that Stalliongate Prison is the most high security prison in Equestria, surpassing Goatham Asylum by a mile.” The stallion grunted as they walked down the dimly lit hall that lead to a large elevator. Two guards in uniform greeted them at the door as they entered. “If it’s any better than that, then it has to be good.”
“Bad times, eh?” Shining asked. The elevator jerked as it began to rise.
“Crazies as far as the eye can see.” The commissioner mumbled to himself. “Now there’s some colt dressing up as a bat. Must’ve thought the creature downstairs is a good role model.”
“If you know that freak like me, he’s nothing but.” The commissioner glanced at his friend. Shining ignored his gaze. The elevator finally stopped as the doors swung open. They both walked into a large lobby, where the mane 6 sat in waiting. Twilight’s head was the first to look up once she saw their arrival. She quickly got up and galloped over to her brother.
“Is he going to be OK?” Twilight asked. Shining gave her a questionable look.
“IT’s going to be fine until its execution.” Shining said flatly. He brushed past his sister and began to walk to the door. Twilight stomped her hoof on the ground.
“Shining, you’re acting like a foal!” She yelled. “This guy just arrived here on Equestria and you’re treating him like you've known him for years!” Shining stopped in his tracks, not even looking behind him.
“Yeah Shinin’, you've been kind of different since you've arrived here.” Applejack said, concern in her voice.
“You don’t know that THING like I do…” Shining said coldly. Everyone flinched as the temperature of the room shifted.
“Uhm, it’s not a thing. It’s actually a he.” Fluttershy said softly.
“That is NOT a HE!” Shining glared at the group. “That is a monster. A freak of nature! A demon that escaped Tartarus! A being of pure evil that should be killed on sight for what he’s done to you all!” Everyone was frightened by Shining’s attitude, except for Rainbow Dash.
“I heard that the thing’s been around longer than we think.” Rainbow said. “Ponies say that the thing attacked a Changeling kingdom years ago. They say it killed Queen Chrysalis’s daughter who owned the kingdom and killed the entire changeling race that lived in the kingdom. I'm surprised my au- I-I mean Chrysalis didn't attack Celestia.”
“I heard about that too, but I could care less about them.” Shining said flatly. Rainbow narrowed her eyes. “I just want it dead.”
“But why?” Twilight asked. “Even though it destroyed an entire kingdom of Changeling’s, it didn’t do any harm to-“
“The thing technically sliced off the horns of a lot of soldiers! Some of those soldiers I knew! Some of them have families to support! What now? Now they have no magic and have to live with being a hornless outcast!” Shining glanced at his sister. "You saw what happened on the streets. It took on probably an entire battalion without breaking a sweat!"
"Shining, he's lost!" Twilight walked up to her brother. "It's obviously not from here!"
"Yeah, Tartarus is where it's from." Shining said flatly. "First the Cerberus attack in Ponyville, and now a demon that walks in the night? I have a feeling Hades is smiting us!"
"Now you're just speaking crazy." Applejack chuckled. Shining smiled and rubbed his head.
"Yeah, I guess I just need some coffee." He sighed to himself. "Hearing about this thing's escapades by Celestia's been keeping me on edge. Plus with the crisis in Baltimare."
"Baltimare? What's going on over there?" Rarity asked.
"Some sort of explosion or something. She said that over 50 ponies died."
"Celestia's teats." the commissioner gasped.
"Yeah. Celestia sent Luna to investigate so she might not be able to come to Manehattan immediately, what with raising the sun and the moon and such." Twilight raised an eyebrow.
"How come she didn't tell me?" She said to herself.
"Enough with the sappy stuff, lets talk about something happy so we can turn those frowns upside down!" Pinkie jumped into the group, her bubble attitude lifting their spirits.
"Like what?" Twilight asked, still deep in thought.
"Like how much candy we're going to get on Nightmare Night silly!" The girls all began to talk about how their going to enoy the scary celebration, leaving the prison behind them. Little did they see the dark figure that watched them from the roof.
“That thing is not a he,” Shining said coldly. “It’s a monster.”
2 weeks later…
< * / * \ * >
Terry sat in the small cell. His arms and legs were chained to the walls when he arrived, but he escaped them pretty easily. He was imprisoned in a large white room. One of the walls as made of glass, or so he thought if he didn’t hear the guards talking about how it was a magic barrier. He looked at the two guards that stood at the metal door that was on the magical wall. They ignored the fact that he was free due to them thinking that he was stuck in the cell as long as magic kept him in. He could just prove them wrong, but he’s never experienced magic before.
“Wonder if Bruce ever dealt with magic.” Terry said to himself. “Then again, he’d probably think I’m crazy if I tried to explain to him a realm full of magical ponies and unicorns.”
“Shut up prisoner!” one of the guards shouted. Terry white eyes narrowed.
“Ass.” He mumbled. He gazed at his suit and sighed. “You know, you guys owe me a new suit.”
“We owe you nothing you filthy mule.” One of the guards growled.
“That’s one of the things I wanted to ask you ponies; what’s with calling things mule? I mean, you are aware that mule is a sentient race on your planet right? You’re kind of being racist.”
“We can call you whatever we like, mule.”
“Actually, the creatures got a point.” The other guard commented. “I mean, they are part of our society.”
“Fine then, we’ll call him a filthy pig.”
“The whole reason I’m filthy is because you ruined my suit!” Terry yelled.
“Shut up!” the guards both yelled.
…
…
…
“We can’t call him a pig.”
“Why the buck not?”
“That’s another thing I wanted to ask.” Terry mumbled.
“Well, pigs are sentient.”
“They are!?” Terry and the other guard said simultaneously.
“Well, there was a long lost Mayan pig tribe centuries ago.”
“That was from Daring Doo you idiot.” The other guard face hoofed. “They’re fictional.”
“T-There’s sprinkles of truth in those books!” the guard protested. They’re argument died down once the door at the end of the dark hall opened. The light from the other hall illuminated a tall dark figure. The guards looked at the figure, fear in their eyes. Behind the figure was a dead stallion that was sprawled on the marble floor.
“What the-“
SHINK!
The guard began to gasp for air. Terry got to his feet and took a step back. a large knife was lodged into the guards throat. Blood ran down the steel blade and to the floor. The guard choked as he fell to the ground. A small blood splatter present on the barriers wall. The other guard began to back away, fear in his eyes. His flank hit the magic wall, giving him a small shock. He looked back at Terry, then down the hall. The figure stood in front of the stallion. But before anything could be said, the figure slammed the guards head into the magic barrier. The stallion screamed in agony as the barrier began to burn the fur on his face. It began to shear through flesh and bone as it worked on his skull. The figure stopped applying pressure to the guard and let him fall to the ground. Half of the guards face was gone to the bone with only parts of his flesh left behind. Terry grabbed a batarang and kept it aimed at the dark figure. A grizzly laugh made his eyes narrow.
“You can put the batarang away, Batman.” The light from the barrier shone of the figure. The man was in a large duster jacket that covered his whole body. By the looks of it, it was made of animal skin. A hood covered the figure’s face, only revealing two white eyes that looked at the dark knight.
“How do you know me? Who are you?” Terry lowered his throwing hand but kept the batarang.
“Questions for another time. But I know one thing; you’re not the real Batman.” Terry narrowed his eyes.
“What do you mean?”
“You try to act like him; being quiet while being intimidating. If you spoke you wouldn’t be here.” The figure shuffled in place. “And yet, you’re not one of his prodigies.”
“Prodigies?” Terry raised an eyebrow.
“You’re no Grayson, that’s for sure. And you’re definitely not Drake. And you can’t be the dead one.” The figure rubbed his chin, or what Terry thought it was. The figures eyes looked at Terry. “You’re Waller’s kid.”
“Waller? Amanda Waller? The former leader of CADMUS?” Terry stepped closer to the barrier. “What does Waller have to do with this?”
“More than you think, McGinnis.” Terry took a step back.
“H-How-“
“Let’s just say, you were meant for the job.” Even though he couldn’t see it, he knew the figure was smiling. “I’ve been away long if you’ve grown this tall.”
“Who. Are. You.” Terry demanded.
“So easy to enrage, just like the dead one.” The figure turned his back to the dark knight. “You may wear the suit and call yourself Batman, but to me, you’re nothing but a Robin.” The figure began to walk away, his hands placed behind his back.
“I’ll find out who you are.” Terry growled.
“Oh I know.” The figure glanced over his shoulder. “We’ll meet again, Robin.”
-POOMF!-
Terry shielded his eyes from the bright light that came from the figure. He looked back to see that the figure was gone, leaving a burnt spot on the floor that had smolder rising from it as the long hallway began to illuminate itself with light. Terry raised an eyebrow in confusion. The magic barrier began to make a faint buzzing sound. And then it disappeared. The dark knight stood in silence. He took a small step out of the cell, then another. His eyes went wide as he stepped out of the cell and into the illuminated-
-BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!-
“Damnit!” Terry ran to the door in the hallway. He ignored the sounds of the blaring horns and the flashing red lights as he dived through the door and into a large room. Walls were covered by cells with magical barriers. Prisoners looked at the dark knight, howling and yelling at him. He sprinted down the hall, looking for an elevator. He slid to a stop as a bunch of guards turned the corner. Terry quickly ran down another hall, avoiding the blasts of magic behind him. He smiled as he found an elevator at the end of the hall. The dark knight flipped around and tossed a batarang at a guard that was chasing him as he quickly landed on his feet diving into the open elevator. The elevator doors quickly closed, blocking the barrage of magic bolts that would’ve hit him. He sat in the elevator and breathed. A soft, but catchy, tune played as he got to his feet. The elevator stopped and made a soft DING! sound. The metal doors slowly opened, and Terry could’ve believe what he was looking at.
The room was massive, with cells lining the walls. Over 25 stories of prison cells lined the walls, with small metal balconies on each floor. The ledges connected to a large elevator in the center of the room that probably brought prisoners to each floor and maybe to the top floor. Terry knew he was underground, but he didn’t know how far. But that’s not what scared him. It was the armada of guards that went from the elevator to where he was standing. They all guarded the center elevator. Some of the guards were in armor, probably leftovers of the assault in Manehattan, while others were in security uniforms. But what surprised him were the massive Minotaur’s in armor that had clubs and even axes. They all glared at the dark knight, not moving a muscle. He could hear the breathing of the guards in the silence. He gazed up to see a few unicorn guards stationed on each floor, their horns pointed at him.
“GRAAAHHH!” Terry looked back to see a Minotaur rushing at him. Each step shook the very floor beneath him. Terry quickly jumped over the massive creature, landing on his head. He quickly jumped off as he shot a grapple at the first floor of the prison. Barrages of magic shot at him, some grazing his chest and neck as he hoisted himself up. He gracefully landed on the metal bridge and ducked under a hoof from a guard. He punched the guard in the gut and tossed him off.
A massive cleaver flew in the air and cut through the metal bridge with ease. Terry quickly jumped off the falling bridge and grappled to the 5th floor. Bolts of magic shot at where he was, causing him to evade as he ran down the bridge and to the elevator. He skidded to a stop as a Minotaur slammed onto the bridge, causing it to shake. The Minotaur Ran at him, cleaver in hand. He jumped over the creature’s massive blow and grabbed hold of its horns. He back flipped off, kicking the Minotaur in the back of the head. Bolts of magic shot at the Minotaur As terry used it as a shield while he was in mid-air. He shot out a grapple from his forearm and propelled himself to the 8th floor. His red wings shot out as he glided his way to the 9th. He flipped off the rail and onto the bridge. Out roars from the prisoners turned into cheering as they watched Terry try to escape. He smiled and saluted the prisoners before running to the elevator. A Pegasus guard tackled him over the ledge and to the 10th floor. They slammed into the bottom of one of the metal bridges before falling back to the 9th floor.
Terry flipped to his feet. He jumped off the ledge and glided in the air, desperately avoiding the bolts of magic. The dazed Pegasus flew at him, rage in his eyes. Terry flipped onto the bridge above him, avoiding the quick pegasus that curved around to get him. He quickly ran to the elevator and slid inside. He slammed his fist on the button and watched as the elevator door quickly shut. A loud THUNK made him flinch as the Pegasus flew into the closed door. He pointed his wrist at the door and welded it shut. Even though the elevator was magic proof, a flaw, as he could hear the sounds of the magic bolts colliding with the metal. He rested his back on the wall and slid down to the floor. He pressed a button on his forearm. A few numbers flashed on his visor before stopping.
“83%. Good, still have some battery life.” Terry said. The numbers quickly disappeared. He paused, listening carefully. But all he heard was the hum of the elevator. The elevator abruptly stopped, causing Terry to get to his feet.
-CRASH!-
A massive hand ripped through the metal and grabbed Terry by the neck. The arm ripped him right out of the metal confines of the elevator and onto a bridge on the 23th floor. He landed hard on his back, the loud pang echoing in the large room. He got to his feet and groaned. Standing in front of him was a massive Minotaur, bigger that the others. The beast was clad in dark onyx armor that looked battle damaged. The shoulder pads were two large skulls of a lion. His massive hoof stomped on the bridge, causing it to shake. His fur was black as night, with only scars breaking up the colour. A massive gold ring hung from his nose in the shape of a skull. His horns were curled down like a ram, making a skullcap with horns. The Minotaur took a step closer, his hot breath dissipating in the cold air.
“I’m the warden of this Prison.” The Minotaur growled. “And if you think you can just waltz on out of here, you’re in for a world of pain. Because NO ONE. ESCAPES. STALLIONGATE PRISON!”
“Well then I get the honor to be the first.”
“BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! YOU? ESCAPE?” The Minotaur bellowed. “You’re smaller than my daughter and she’s five!”
“Well if she can take you down, so can I ugly.” The Minotaur snorted.”
“Funny guy. TOO BAD THAT WILL BE THE LAST WORDS YOU SAY!” The Minotaur’s massive fist slammed into the bridge, the metal exploding on impact. Terry jumped off the bridge and over the Warden. The massive creature spun around, ready to punch the smug grin off of Terry’s face, when the bridge gave away. The Warden roared as he fell, slamming through bridges with ease. Terry watched as the massive creature fell and began to climb up the side of the elevator shaft.
-SHREEEEEESH!-
Terry glanced down below. His white eyes went wide as the Warden gripped to the side of the elevator shaft on the 18th floor. His eyes glared at the dark knight as he began to climb, his hands bending the metal as he climbed. Terry gripped the side of the metal shaft with his claws and pointed his wrist at the metal. An orange laser shot out as he cut a hole in the shaft. He quickly jumped inside and climbed up to the ground floor as he grabbed the shaft doors and pried them open, ignoring the sounds of the warden’s rage. the light from the lobby almost made him not see the group of unicorn guards that pointed their horns at him. He slammed the doors shut and ducked under the doorway. A massive bolt of magic blew the doors open, right off of their hinges. The two blazing metal doors fell down the shaft, landing on the broken elevator. He waited for a bit, hiding in the shadows. A guard walked over to the edge in order to look over but sooner than he did Terry grabbed the stallion’s hooves, the electromagnetic pads on his boots keeping him up. As he pulled the guard over the edge and let him fall onto the broken elevator. He then proceeded to toss a few of his pellets over the edge as he flipped up onto the main floor. The gas pellets quickly activated as he ran through.
Terry charged through the twin doors and into a large courtyard. The glare of the moon shone down as he ran. A large wall was around the building he ran out of. He ignored the twin spot lights that shone down on him as he rushed to the large metal doors on the large wall. Bolts of magic began to shoot at him, causing him to go into a full on sprint as he proceeded to dodge them. A recognisable roar came from behind him. He glanced over his shoulder to see the Warden charging at him, pure rage in his eyes. Any Pegasi that were stationed in the dark clouds above the prison flew down to surround him. He had one chance. A Pegasus flew at him low to the ground. He jumped over the pegasus and continued to run. A few prisoners that were outside were cheering him on as he ran. If he didn’t know better, he could’ve sworn he was in a football game. He reached into his belt and grabbed a grappling hook. He aimed it at the wall and fired. The hook gripped to the ledge, surprising a unicorn guard. He pulled himself to the wall, flying in the air. a Pegasus grabbed the wire by him mouth and flew off with it, causing Terry to let go. His red wings shot out as he glided to the wall. His white eyes went wide as he saw what was over the wall.
The maximum prison was on an island, miles away from Manehattan. He could barely see the city in the distance. A rebreather covered his mouth as he dove over the wall and into the dark sea. He began to swim deeper as bolts of magic shot into the water. The bolts began to stop and soon it was quiet. Terry knew what they were doing. They were waiting for him to come up for air. Terry saluted the waiting guards and swam away, heading straight for the big apple. If he was right, it was Nightmare Night.
And he knows a certain mare that would be out at this time.
I just realized 8 o'clock on a school night is not a good time to post a new chapter.
Well now I know, and knowing is half the battle!
Uhm.... Right! G.I Joe!
Oh shit, Jason Todd's back...
And Shining and Cadence decided to keep it a secret from EVERPONY, including his own family, that they had had a daughter, why? Now that he obviously has emotional and personal ties to this case and a vendetta against Batman who he thinks killed his daughter, I'm hoping he'll be taken off it since his anger and hatred are clouding his judgement, will probably now inhibit everyone else's judgement, and ultimately will prevent the truth from being discovered as long as he's involved. Please, may Celestia be the first one in this story to actually show some level-headed and logical thinking and try and solve this by talking and getting Terry's side of the story instead of trying to kill the Bat.
3243875So you live on the east coast then?
3244049
.... I've revealed too much...
I-I mean, pshhhh nooo! I was uhhh guessing... that its late... for some... Yeah...
Now I want to know what Robin Beyond would look like.
Another Chapter, thank you kind sir!
Wow, just wow.
Awesome Prison escape. I have to say, even though that he was technically an opponent I actually liked the Warden. In an odd way he reminded of the Prison guard Cash from Batman A.A.
I feel bad for the one guard that was keeping an eye on Bats/Terry. The one that got killed by magical electrocution. I think that he would have actually treated Batman with some respect and not unwarranted anger or hatred. Hope that the guards investigate Bats cell and see the evidence that someone else got him out. If not, then all of the guards and investigators are Blind and dumb. Awesome version of Commissioner Gordan by the way.
So, Grave_Wing. I have to ask...do you hate Terry/Batman or something? Cause as of late you've been making everything in this story a living hell for him. I'm just asking, not that I don't like what you've done in this tale of yours. I just have to wonder a bit that's all.
"Holy bad situations folks, it seems that things keep going from bad to extremely worse for the Dark Knight." "Will Terry be able to meet Princess Luna without anymore worse case scenarios?" "If he does, will she even listen to him!?" "Find out next time, same Bat-time, same Bat-story!"
3243992
Yeah, and Twilight better not believe this crap either. It would be the exact same lesson she learned from meeting Zecora. I would be very annoyed if she switches sides just because her brother had some weird past history with a "dark figure and white eyes."
If I were Terry, I would have just sat in prison. Running is only making things worse. If he stayed then he could make himself look better. Also, Terry does not seem to be as sorry as he should for all the hurt that is being put on all the little ponies!
I know you felt he needed to add some reason as to why Shining hated Batman so bad, but the secret daughter was over the top. Honestly, Shining could have just been mad because a stranger from who knows where sheered of the horns of like fifty of his guard and sent many more to the hospital. he didn't need some dark past to hate him. Terry has been giving him plenty of reasons for abusing his guards. Also, the out of the blue violent death of said daughter was jarring and overly violent for the mlp setting at the time of the wedding.
I'll keep reading, but I hope you are more gradual with bringing in history and world building in the future. I do like this story.
One last thing. You need to stop using "his white eyes" so much. you could say he squinted, blinked, gawked, winked or whatever and the reader knows his eyes are white.
Anyhow, still a pretty good chapter.
3243992
This isn't Star Trek.
3244347
I'll be honest, I actually like Terry. I just love screwing over people in stories
3244362
Yeah, kind of made her death kind of over-the-top huh? My apologises! Dark tag is there but still, sorry!
But it gets you thinking though: Who would be so sadistic enough to kill a child, let alone a two year old?
FORESHADOWING!
3244362
I know, right? The daughter thing caught me by surprise, and as I was reading it I was thinking "Jesus Christ"
My first impression of this "other figure" was "It's goddamn Slade!", especially with how smug and self-righteous he is. With his extra knowledge as well, that definitely made me think it was Slade. But Slade only has one eye on his costumes, and his outfit has that strange split of color that it tends to do. If it IS Slade, he's taken a much different appearance here... or it is one of his "apprentices", who is just as dangerous as the REAL Slade. If it isn't Slade, I'm not sure who it is... Maybe Jason Todd (the Red Hood), but no matter who is is, we have the reason that Shining and the Rainbow Changeling are so up in arms about Terry. It begs the question of why those igniting acts were committed in the first place, but I assume we'll be finding out later, as Terry tries to clear his own name with these ponies.
OK, I am really getting tired of this, WHEN WILL HE GET THE CHANCE TO PROVE HE'S GOOD, I'm getting tired already of the ponies seeing him as a villain here, when will he get the chance to prove his innocence and let them know he's not the threat they think he is? I am liking the story so far, the way it's written and all, but I want to see the part when Batman can finally have a chance to sit down and talk with them and prove he's not the monster they think he is. There, I said my peace.
3244509 Can you think of any villain that has so little remorse that they would kill a foal/baby pony?
sigh... Here I was hoping the racism was over and he might be able to make nice. Should've known better. Tell you the truth I'm not even reading just skimming now. He should really just leave.
Also, why do you keep making parallels to Batman's universe? Ponies are absolutely nothing like humans from that universe. The Asylum existing in Equestria was the last straw.
3244598
Oh, a couple do come to mind. But I'm also thinking about those who might be already accounted for in Gotham before Batman left, as well as thinking on who would have the knowledge of Batman and the Robins identities. There's also the very short list of those who might know about Waller's plan for Terry. That list itself is very short, and yet the clues don't match up right... I'll just wait to see, for now. The frontrunners in this, though, are definitely Slade and potentially a more twisted, advanced version of the Red Hood. That said, I'm not sure who else would qualify for the role of "Batman villian who is privy to so many secrets about Batman and his related wards in general"... I'm curious, though.
Do you have a candidate in mind?
3244367 Star Trek isn't where I got it from. Unless I'm mistaken, if a member of law enforcement such as a detective, lawyer etc. or in this case, a Captain of the Guard, has a personal connection to the case (ie. murder victim was family, has a grudge/friendship against/with a suspect, they were targeted etc.), they are taken off the case as there is the possibility that their connection could adversely influence their actions and decisions in regard to the case and inhibit the course of justice, resulting in wrongful imprisonment or execution (it's happened before), the guilty person being acquitted, and plus it'll also damage their career and chances of promotion etc.
3244653 I was thinking maybe a more malicious red x but, how would he know all this info or maybe it is another Joker Personality takeover like the movie, also can you think of any villain who has the animal hide motif? Also could you give me the names of those people who came to mind?
I'm thinking the figure may be some version of the Phantasm. That would explain how the figure would know about Waller and her connection to Terry. You may want to edit these:
That should be "pleas"
That word, "As" shouldn't be capitalized, but "terry". Also, (IMO) I thought the whole "dead kid" thing was overkill and I probably would just made that one or more of that unicorns who lost their horns were close friends of Shining Armor's, thus giving him the motive to want to kill Terry, but you did state the child's death was foreshadowing. I do hope Terry acts a little smarter in later chapters, because I don't really recall being so boneheaded in the comics or cartoons. Lastly, Terry should know that Bruce has dealt with magic before. From the Batman Beyond episode, "Revenant":
Still, I look forward to the next chapter.
You are amazing.:D Another excellent chapter, and so many mysteries.:D
3244170 You wanna see Robin Beyond? Here's your Robin Beyond:
fc01.deviantart.net/fs71/i/2012/239/9/8/robin_beyond_by_moffett1990-d5cnv6h.jpg
3244486
The thing is though you didn't need to have her hung. You could have had her dead at the bottom of a palace staircase and the dark villein could have been seen by shining, escaping around the corner. Shinning Armor was the only one to see them so everypony else thinks she just fell down. He has been hell bent on finding the real killer for a long time, but even his guard think he was imagining things.
Hanging in the palace just seems a little off. I think a murder made to look accidental or something less obvious like a poisoning would make more sense. This less obvious set up also leaves the other characters such as Twilight and the mane six to doubt Shining's judgment and makes for a less forced character change for Shinning Armor.
This was all just a thought that I wanted to convey.
3244680 The only one I could think of that might also fit the appearance we've been given, though it is vague as hell, is the Phantasm. The assassin that was meant to kill Terry's parents was in on the plot to mold Terry into Batman, however she had a conscience. A "Red X" might work, but the problem with that is the knowledge of who Batman and the Robins were. I'm not sure who would be privy to those bits of knowledge, yet also cold hearted enough to murder a baby... aside who I've already mentioned. Those, however, have other problems, so we'll see. Perhaps it is something else... something other than a villian.
After all, sometimes, heroes go bad. Perhaps it's Etrigan, the demon? Or perhaps it is someone else, turned towards the dark? I'm not sure, but I'm looking forward to finding out.
3244360
Yeah, actually, something comes to mind.
LUNA: Yeah, um, actually, I killed your daughter. I kinda went to the future, and in that future, she killed you, Cadence, and me and my sister in cold blood, then proceeded to take over the world. Also, you're being taken off this case.
SHINING:
LUNA: Yeah, your blind hatred towards Batman is kind of clouding your judgment, and that of those around you, so.... Oh, and we just found out Rainbow Dash was replaced by a changeling, The real one just came back from some really long bus ride. You know, somebody probably should have checked....
Shining: It killed my daughter...
everypony: ...
Batman: Sucks to be you
biobreak.files.wordpress.com/2009/12/graham_chapman_colonel.jpg
Stop, stop. This has gotten far too silly.
So, we're only hearing NOW about the fact that Shining Armor had a daughter?! And not only that, but it's only now that Twilight and the rest are hearing about it?! Cadance never mentioned to anyone that she was pregnant or had given birth? She never told Celestia or Twilight or anybody?
And THIS is the reason for Shining Armor's idiot ball vendetta? He saw a "dark figure with white eyes and a red glow?" Nobody has bothered to point out the fact that he's obviously emotionally compromised?
I was under the impression that Shining Armor was going to turn out to be a changeling and that Batman was screwing up another changeling plot or something so he was overly aggressive in trying to get rid of him so the plans could proceed or whatever. this is just... completely nonsensical.
So Terry stayed in that Cell for 2 weeks? Didn't anypony even try to question him in that time? Didn't Celestia confront him about hurting her little ponies? Shining may have been able to keep everyone else away, but not her.
And what about his trial? Did they get the Bankmares statement? Honestly, I think that would have read better as 2 hours, or 2 days at most.
Other than that, I like this story. Do please continue. I wonder if Grave Wing has read the other Batman/MLP crossover "A Dark Knight for Equestria" though. That has both Batman & the ponies more in character.
Of Dragon Ball Z!!!
Being called Robin is the worst thing ever! " Your just a Robin." BURNNNNNN
Shining seriously needs to be put off duty. Mind too clouded with thirst for vengeance. Dayum Shinin'! You scary!
Now who did you pluck out for the villain? Is it the Joker from Under the Red Hood?
Finally! Answers to the question that's been bugging me for several chapters!
We do get clear answers, right?
3244548 At this point with all this shit if it happened in the next chapter it would be far far too fast, so you got a while till it happens.
this chapter is terrible.
and not just because of some missing punctuation.
Shining is way OoC, especially in that he never mentioned his daughter. Even the girls are OoC, interrupting a story that's clearly hard for him to say 'TMI'. Terry is so idiotic it's unbelievable.
Mysterious, dangerous figure who knows things he shouldn't breaks your jail cell open, and disappears?
Well, he can't be that bad, because he did let you out of jail in a horrific fashion that will totally make you look worse if you take advantage of it! surely leaving now won't further his nefarious schemes in any way!
There needs to be a Vigilante Hero list to go with the Evil Overlord list.
One: Never accept assistance from someone who is probably a bad guy. Chances are, it'll cost you more than it gains you, if it truly helps you at all, and it'll help him more than it costs him, if it even costs him anything to do it.
Two: Always assume that there is more to the situation than meets the eye. It is rarely the gun you can see and defend against that kills you.
3254037
Terry didn't really have a choice but to escape. If he stayed, he would've been blamed for killing the guards. If he left, he would've been blamed for killing the guards. Regardless of what he chose, it still made his life much harder.
Anyways, I'm sorry if you don't like the chapter. You don't need to read it if you don't like it!
But thanks for the feedback!
3256635
the story was pretty good up until issue 5 or so. since then, it has gone downhill fast.
I disagree. if he stayed, they would suspect there was something else going on, because he has never stuck around after causing injury before. By staying, he would demonstrate his innocence. by leaving, he has demonstrated his guilt.
I know this can seem counterintuitive, but it is true.
every time he runs away, he more thoroughly convinces the local LEOs of his guilt. silence and stealth are great when the local LEOs know who you are, not so much when you're an unknown quantity.
3257010
But technically no one knows who he is.
Twilight and the gang don't even know if he's friend or enemy. Sure he saves Fluttershy, but so far he's been committing crime.
Shining thinks he's the guy who killed his daughter (Yes I'm aware that it was over-the-top, no need to mention it because I'm sorry. I would change it but its been up for a while now.)
The police think he's just a horn collector*
And Luna & Celestia... well... That's for another time.** They're busy with something
So basically, there's not much he could do. His reputation's been going down the drain.
*See: Pretty much every chapter
**Foreshadowing?
3258441
of course nopony knows who, or even what he is. that was kinda my point.
See, because he's an unknown quantity, most of the ponies involved would be very careful with handling of the case. Most of the cops will dislike him because he makes them look like fools, and because he is injuring them. but very few will want him dead. at worst, they'll want to rough him up a bit.
except now, they'll think he killed a pony. this is why it was a stupid move on his part. if he stayed, his story would be significantly more believable.
as for the dead daughter thing, who cares how long it's been up? I've seen authors who were much better known then you (no offense) redo chapters that were less flawed even though the readers thought it was fine. Heck, I've seen some take down and rewrite whole stories from scratch, and I've seen others replace a scene where a major character dies with one where the same character survives. and this after weeks or even months.
Do not fear the edit button. that way leads to the dark side. also, I'll start thinking Regina is singing about you in this song:
3259301
None taken, I'm a novice writer so I know my place
You bring up alot of valid points. I guess why the stories been going haywire is because A) I keep changing the ending and B) because I'm trying to concentrate more on school then this. Posting this story was mainly just a pass time in the summer so I wasn't expecting all this attention.
Basically, I'm scared of all this attention. I'm scared that if I mess up (Example) people might just go apesh*t (overreaction I know) about it. Like I said, I write as a pass time, little one shots here and there just to keep my imagination active. And its REALLY active.
So I guess what I'm saying is, its kind of overwhelming.
I'll probably change the reason why Shining hates Terry. Risky, but risks makes life much more interesting.
EDIT: Aaaand new reasoning GO!
3259396
that's much better. I think shining is smart enough to realize that Terry probably isn't aware that he is crippling those unicorns for life, but maybe his emotions are getting away from him.
the story could do with some refinement, and I still think the jailbreak was monumentally dumb of him, but maybe you can write a good explanation for why he did it.
3263459
Yeah, I think everyone can agree that the whole 'daughter being killed' thing was just a liiiiiittle too strong and forced into the story. Shining should be the more level-headed one in the story. If Twilight could be more of an influence on him, then he'll probably regain his composure more often and think rationally
Now they have no magic and have to live with being a hornless outcast!
So ponies outcast other ponies if they get their horn chopped off?