It will all be over soon, Princess
It will all be over soon, Princess
by Luna-tic Scientist
The straps dug into the top of Celestia’s muzzle, little patches of discomfort where the metal fittings pressed into her flesh. Standing on trembling legs and only prevented from falling down by the smooth walls that pressed close to her flanks, her head was tied to a padded platform, the straps tight enough that even twitching wasn’t an option. Indistinct shapes moved around her; the light was bright, but whatever she’d been given had done something to her eyes and they wouldn’t focus on anything further than the end of her muzzle.
I trusted them, she thought, and now they’re going to... The thought tailed off into the fuzz that seemed to fill her mind, tears welling up in her eyes as she tried to remember what had led up to this moment.
===
Princess Celestia sat up straight in the throne room. What was that? An odd tickle, a sensation of something moving within the skin of reality, coming from the place where she controlled the sun.
“--Cloudsdale is exerting an undue stress on the farmlands it is stationed above, so I am petitioning for the regular--“
Celestia abruptly stood up, her sudden movement cutting off the earth pony’s rambling request like he’d been gagged. Her head snapped to the left, catching the eye of her equerry, Silver Scroll. “Court is closed, reschedule all appointments as appropriate.” He nodded curtly and started calling out orders to the rest of her staff. She bowed her head low, getting her eye line to the same level as the suddenly nervous petitioner. “I’m sorry, my little pony, a matter of state. Silver Scroll will put you at the head of the line when the Court reconvenes.”
“T-thank you, Princess,” he said, looking relieved that it wasn’t something he’d done.
Celestia had already backed away; raising her wings she leapt over the heads of the rest of the Court in her haste to leave the room.
===
“I felt it too,” Luna said, pacing the length of the secluded meeting chamber. “It felt like Discord, but he left our realm years ago.”
Celestia found herself nodding; Luna was correct, but there was something odd, the taste wasn’t quite right for chaos magic. “He always did claim we’d be bored without him; funny that he bored of us first.”
“I don’t think it is him; to return he’d need to break our wards, and they are still intact...”
“True,” Celestia said as her sister trailed off, a troubled look on her face. “What do you think we should do?”
“Investigate. Equestria should be prepared if there are other things like Discord.”
===
It wasn’t Discord. Luna and Celestia met at one of their ancient circles, deep within the mountain range to the west of Canterlot. Luna arrived first, clearing the platform of snow and ice with an irresistible blast of magic. Celestia circled the flat-topped mountain, its peak sheared off and shaped to a perfect disk. Arcane patterns and symbols, deeply engraved and inset with metal, shone as bright and clean as the day they had been forged.
Celestia came to a four hoofed landing next to her sister. “Just like the olden days, just the two of us, no guards or hangers-on.” Her smile faltered at Luna’s unreadable expression.
“I remember the last time you used this circle.”
Celestia flinched. How could I have forgotten? “Sorry, it’s been over a thousand years, I should have remembered. Let’s use one of the others.”
“Considerably less for me.” Her head came up, staring back at Celestia. “No, this is the best one. I’ll be alright -- and it would be nice for it to be like it was.”
Smiling warmly, Celestia folded one wing over her slightly smaller sister, resting her head against the other’s neck. “Good, let’s see if this thing still works.”
===
She’d not exercised this much magic since being forced to banish the Nightmare; on that day she’d taken the concentrated power of the sun and used the Elements to forge it into a weapon against her own sister. She had saved everypony from that madness, so long ago that it was all legend unless you knew where to look. That was one of the reasons all the mountains near here were so rounded; the waste heat from the battle had made them slump and sag like wax.
It felt good to do this, stretching... and humbling. She was a thousand years out of practice, while for Luna it had been less than a decade. None of her skills and strength had diminished while she was imprisoned within the moon. It dawned on Celestia that she’d been really lucky she hadn’t decided to fight the Nightmare a second time around.
The magic curled and concentrated, opening into a wide, flat disk of darkness. Within that disk was a scattering of stars and a globe, only lit as a slim crescent. A dusting of lights marked the dark side, arranged in patches and clusters.
It was a world, a populated world.
===
Things went quickly from that point. The world -- the whole universe -- was different, even the natural laws didn’t really match up. What the Princesses had felt was an unintended side effect of an experiment being run by a collection of nation states, although to repeat something that could be done by the two goddesses required a circle of machinery far bigger than any Equestrian city.
They had attempted contact, but their arrival had caused an uproar, and the Princesses had closed the connection for fear of triggering a war. The real surprise had come some months later when a hole had opened in a patch of farmland, disgorging a complex wheeled machine. A farmer working the field had found the thing -- it had ceased working almost immediately, the mechanisms controlling the device a victim to the differing physical laws on this side of the membrane.
None of that mattered; on the side of the vehicle was a gold plaque covered in increasingly complex diagrams. Much of it was impossible to decipher, but one thing was clear. It was a greeting and a request, no, a plea, to get in contact again.
===
Scientists and contact specialists from both sides came first, carefully feeling their way past the language barrier. The ‘humans’, as they called themselves, were a kind of hairless, big brained ape, at least as smart as a pony. The contact produced revelations: there was no magic on the other side, but they did have a fearsomely advanced technology, no doubt as a compensation for their lack of arcane power.
The first actual exchange was... interesting. They knew that most human technology failed in Equestria -- the sensitive electronics just didn’t work -- and that magic did the same, as demonstrated by a crystal levitation drive test rig. They also knew that living creatures changed when they crossed over; a caged parasprite became a fat, fuzzy locust, although it returned to its natural form when returned to Equestria.
A volunteer was selected, one from each side. Spiral Dancer, a pale green unicorn, had gone over from Equestria. She’d lost all but the stub of her horn and become distinctly fuzzy, coat retaining most of her colour and thickening considerably. Her cutie mark had faded to just a bare outline, almost invisible amid the extra fur. Spiral could still talk -- even if her voice sounded strange through her now greatly elongated muzzle -- but her magic was reduced to a shadow of its former strength.
The human underwent a more extreme change; he gained a lot of fur and a long curving tail. Celestia always remembered the look of fascination on his face when he saw it. He too could talk, and had retained full manual dexterity, even though his fingers were a bit stubbier.
Humans were remarkably similar to ponies; both side lived, loved and occasionally fought. They’d had their black times, just like Equestria. Celestia thought they’d done very well, considering their tribal political systems and lack of magic; if they’d have worked together as well as ponies, they would probably have far outstripped them. What did concern the Princess a little was the vast number of them; the global population of Equestria was around five hundred million, including gryphons, zebra and the other races.
There were easily ten times that many humans, some packed at densities no pony could tolerate.
===
The portal was difficult to hold open, requiring both Princesses for anything more than a few minutes -- the human machine, what they called the ‘Large Hadron Collider’, had been badly damaged when they’d sent their probe. They were working on it feverously, but it might take years to repair.
They established a presence on each side of the membrane. On the other side, this ‘Earth’, it was a remote island in the tropics, in Equestria a high valley distant from populated areas and impossible to quickly leave without flight. Celestia had given the task of protecting their world to Luna; the Moon Princess still had a streak of paranoia left over from when she was the Nightmare. This, combined with her undiminished skill in battlemagic, made her the perfect pony for the job. She spent weeks seeding the surrounding mountains with enchantments of great power, ready for whatever the humans might try.
Celestia had no doubt that the other side was similarly protected.
===
The cultural exchange was immensely valuable. Although technological or thaumic devices didn’t work outside their ‘home’ universes, ideas were still of great value. Equestrian art was wildly popular on Earth; human music similarly so for ponies, especially after the design of high fidelity mechanical playback systems.
The state visit was Celestia’s idea. The human leaders seemed reluctant to visit Equestria -- this she put down to their more severe morphological changes, or that there was so many of them, and world peace seemed a fragile thing over on Earth. She would hold a summit on the Embassy Island, as it was being called.
An open invitation went out, calling for any ponies that would be willing to represent Equestria at her side. Thousands applied, and over the next few weeks the long list was whittled down to the most suitable scientists, artists, diplomats and industrialists. This task had been entrusted to Twilight, who hadn't put herself on the list for fear of being accused of bias. Celestia had smiled at that, then gently suggested that it would be a wonderful opportunity to study the workings of friendship across species bounds. Equestria's youngest Princess had lost most of her hard learned composure at that point, bouncing around the meeting chamber in little fluttering leaps.
It took many more months to organise, now mostly due to scheduling delays on the human end -- so many leaders to meet -- but the day finally came. To a great fanfare and celebration, Celestia and her entourage stepped through the portal, leaving Luna in charge of Equestria for the next week.
Behind her the portal winked out.
===
This is just as bad as the Grand Galloping Gala, Celestia thought as she greeted yet another human in a dark suit. Do they really wear this much clothing all the time? Cooling breezes made the temperature tolerable, but the place was built to Equestrian plans and had no active air conditioning. Celestia felt a twinge of guilt at that, while feeling glad she’d opted for nothing more than her normal regalia.
She’d been taken on a tour of the island; the place was beautiful, a real garden spot that reminded her of some of the gentler parts of the Everfree. The natural wonders couldn’t disguise the distant ships that ringed the place; dark angular things like floating cities that were the human version of Luna’s wards. The military briefing she’d received had been faintly horrifying -- the sheer amount of effort that went into preparing for wars that they, apparently, all claimed not to want.
Despite the wonder she felt at this new world, all the strangeness seemed to be getting to her; Celestia felt oddly on edge the whole time, as if she was just waiting for something to leap out of those trees. Sudden movements made her twitchy, something that proved acutely embarrassing when a glimpse of grey fur sent her -- and the Equestrian half of the tour group -- galloping off down the path, much to the confusion of the guides.
The creature had been something akin to a squirrel -- she had known it was harmless, but her body had overridden her mind, triggering an unwelcome flight reflex. Throughout the rest of the walk she guarded against this impulse, gradually learning to control the startle response and maintain the placid exterior she was famous for.
Her body was oddly similar on this side; unlike the rest of her staff she didn’t have the ‘Shetland pony’ look -- she’d been shown images, and the likeness was startling -- but retained her greater size, although her normally ethereal mane had returned to the plain pink she’d had before her ascension. A few surreptitious flaps had confirmed that her wings were now purely decorative, fanning the leaves without lifting her off the ground. Her magic was almost completely gone. ‘Almost’ was a relative term, of course, as Celestia was far more powerful than any normal unicorn. She retained enough to signal Luna to open the portal early, if required, and could lift small objects at close range.
It became her party trick; she'd been advised that the normal Equestrian 'nuzzle' was a little too intimate for many human cultures, so decided to use her magic to greet each dignitary. Celestia used the opportunity to keep trying her power, like a foal who'd just lost her front teeth will keep probing the empty space with her tongue. This world obviously had some arcane power, but the patterns were faint and distorted; to somepony like Celestia, for whom magic was as natural as breathing, this was incredibly frustrating. She could almost feel this world's sun, but it was like trying to open a badly made lock with an ill fitting key.
The ‘magic handshake’ seemed to impress the humans a lot, but what really seemed to amaze them was when she greeted each leader in his or her own language. Celestia had smiled at this; it had taken a bit of work, but many of the human languages were very similar -- they even had a few with a similar tonal structure to native Equestrian -- and she was glad it had been worth the effort.
===
The meal was fascinating, a mixture of human and pony dishes -- with concessions for earthly teeth and Equestrian vegetarianism. The organizers skilfully mixed up the two groups of guests, interspacing human chairs with the elevated platforms they’d designed for the much shorter stature of the average Equestrian. Celestia, of course, had no need of such things, and was tall enough to look any of the humans in the eye.
She passed the time after the main course by chatting with a representative from a nation state called China, using the human’s own tongue of Mandarin, something that caused some annoyance to the other diners, at least until she started to translate back and forth between the various other native languages of her immediate neighbours. This surprised them so much -- they’d all come to the conclusion that she only knew the greetings -- that they started to make a game of it, each human trying to stump the Princess with the most obscure language they knew. They finally got her with a dialect from sub-Saharan Africa, but even that didn’t last long, as she started to build a vocabulary with astounding speed after a few examples allowed her to cross-reference to languages she did know.
The sweet course finally arrived, something that Celestia had been looking forward to sampling. She’d been alive for a very long time; long enough to exhaust any Equestrian chief’s inventiveness where it came to dessert. Probably worth it just for this, she thought with a smile, catching Twilight's eye and winking as she lifted the spoon to her mouth. Celestia only had a chance to take a single mouthful -- something light and fluffy, flavoured with fruits that had no analogue on her own world -- when she felt a twinge in her head, an ache that bloomed into agony so fast that it could only have been poison.
The pain was so bad that she staggered away from her place at the table, knocking plates and cups to the floor in a cascade of splintered ceramic and glass. The rest was a haze; ponies and humans milling around in confusion, the feeling of hands -- not hooves, hands! -- holding her, guiding her away from the shocked, staring faces.
She collapsed in one of the adjoining chambers, surrounded by voices raised in anger and distress, all incomprehensible. Something stung her at the throat, forcing the pain back. The agony was still there, like lightning filling a distant storm cloud, but her mind was also clouded and her mouth refused to work when she tried to speak. What have they given me? she thought, trying to shake off the fingers that probed her head and mouth.
More hands on her, many more, rolling her from one side to another while straps were run under her belly. There was the clanking of chains and she was lifted beneath some sort of hoist, hooves scrabbling as she tried to escape. Vision blurring, Celestia tried to pull her fragmented mind together. They were ready for this, she thought, this was planned!
The voices of ponies, full of fear. Humans shouting orders in mangled Equestrian. Hard hands holding her head still, while someone gently prised back one of her eyelids. Light, the brightness of her sun, but a cold blue-white flared, leaving her dazzled. A smell, a mixture of oil, metal and fireworks, something she’d smelt on several of the humans around her, the ones that didn’t eat, just watched the crowd with eyes like those of her Guard.
“Goddammit, what did you give her? She mustn't be allowed to fall asleep!” Human, English, very angry. Another human voice answered, too muffled to understand. “Idiot, I know what she looks like, but she’s not a horse!”
The words registered, the anger and urgency in the tone penetrating her hazy mind. I have been foalnapped, Celestia thought, lulled by lies and captured by these aliens. Why are they doing this to me?
The Equestrian voices were cut off like they’d been shut behind a heavy door. Movement, her body swaying on its chains as the hoist was pushed down a corridor and out into the open. A harsh mechanical whine, then the ground lifted beneath her hooves and she was swung into a comfortable darkness, the gentle feeling of straw tickling her fetlocks.
The roar of a motor, not the comforting hiss-chuff of a steam engine, but the full throated dragon’s bellow of a heavy human vehicle. The only sense left to her was hearing, so her brain latched on to any slight sound under the mechanical growl, ears twitching forwards.
“--raction team approaching control point, what is the status on the surgical un--“
A pause, undoubtedly for a reply.
“--ger that, ETA one five mike. Expediti--”
The vehicle accelerated again, the engine noise redoubling, causing Celestia to pendulum in her harness. The extra motion added to her confusion and her mind wandered again.
===
The vehicle stopped, the silence immediately broken by booted feet on gravel. Light blazed as the doors were flung open, and Celestia was surrounded by black clad humans, grabbing hold of her harness and her person, pulling her out of the vehicle. The same high pitched whine, this time accompanied by a sinking feeling, then painfully loud shouted instructions and a rush of motion as she was pushed into a building.
Inside was sterile and white, but had an unfinished look, like it was something made in a hurry. In the middle of the room was a frame of bright steel, festooned with straps, extra parts still being added by frantically working humans. More humans, these ones in shiny white one piece clothes and holding metal tools, waving them forwards.
Celestia, mind cleared a little by the motion and fresh air, stared fixedly at the framework. They are altering it to fit me, she thought dully, they want to hold me still while they... The thought faded as her memories drifted off into the dark places of her past.
The storming of Discord’s fortress, all those millennia ago, back when the world was young. The terrible things they had found in the chambers beneath it. Machines and devices for the destruct testing of a body and the mind it contained; concentrated viciousness fuelled by ponies under the influence of the Lord of Chaos.
She knew something of the human’s history, knew they carried their own darkness with them. How much worse will things be, aided by their technical sophistication? How much more will they be able to do once they realise how fast I heal?
The harness creaked and relaxed, leaving Celestia standing there on splayed legs, head and wings drooping as she gasped for breath. Humans pushed her towards the frame and, lost in the memory, she took one hesitant step, then another. Something cold touched her flank, then there was the loud, high speed zip of some hand-held tool down near her hooves, and the previously flexible framework suddenly became rigid.
The situation suddenly snapped into clarity for a moment and she panicked, rearing up and striking out with hooves, wings and teeth. Her hind legs left the ground, lashing out with all the power of the big muscles of her hips. She struck something yielding, the softness of a body folding up under the impact.
There was more shouting, pain from her wings as many hands grabbed them; one, then two ropes around her neck. It became impossible to buck; there was just too much weight holding her down. Under the prodding of her frantic mind, her scattered traces of magic congealed and she suddenly had control, the faint, distorted patterns of this world popping into focus despite the confusion and the drugs. For the first time since she arrived, colour swept along her mane and tail, the pink hair changing back to the pastel aurora she had on her own world. A golden light bloomed over her horn, a heatless rush of flame that overpowered even the room’s harsh lighting.
Still struggling to free her body, her mind took the power, reached for the patterns and twisted.
One of the figures in white abruptly flew backwards, striking the wall hard enough that it didn’t rise quickly. Two others joined the first, their hands ripped away from her body and tumbling helplessly across the floor under the influence of her magic. The shouting in the room immediately took on a panicked tone, and Celestia found her own voice amid the rage and adrenalin flooding her system. “I am Celestia,” she screamed at a volume that could only be matched by a jet engine, “Sol Invictus, and you will not treat me like anima--“
Something buzzed at her throat, blue electrical arcs flashing against her fur, and all her muscles stopped responding. There was no pain, but her mind fuzzed in time with the pulses of current, thought blurring and taking her magic with it. “My sister will come for me,” she muttered through lips made thick and clumsy, “if I can use my magic here, then so can she. She is stronger than I, and will pull your moon from the sky and end you all in fire and darkness.”
===
Awareness, when it returned, was patchy.
The world seemed distant, the already faint underlying patterns vanishing into chaos and noise. She had been secured to the framework, the thin looking struts augmented by thick walls of something translucent, so she stood within a narrow stall that came halfway up her flanks. Wide woven straps looped around her torso from chest to belly; they allowed breath, but no other movement, forward or back. Someone had placed a bridle over her head, more straps connecting it to the framework and the platform under her muzzle.
Fingers covered in a green, rubber tasting material probed her lips, pulling them back to examine her teeth, which she kept shut in the only rebellion available to her.
“Come on you old nag, don’t make this harder than it has to be.”
The voice came from an older human, and seemed to be said with a kindness at odds with her situation. He enjoys his work, she thought, a good choice. There were a few like him in Equestria, individuals with no social conscience or empathy for the pain of others; one of Discord’s long running gifts to them all.
“Get me a pair of number three retractors please,” he murmured, still probing her teeth. Something curved was pushed through her lips on either side of her mouth, the tips pressing against the soft section of gum between molar and incisor. There was pressure and she couldn’t help but open her mouth.
“There we go, perfect.”
Devices attached to the bridle were hooked over her upper and lower front teeth, screws were turned and her mouth was opened so wide that her jaw muscles creaked. More lights, these ones directed down her throat. The figure with the kind voice stepped forward, coming into focus for the first time. Celestia blinked and tried to speak, but that option was long past.
They will do their work and then ask me questions. If I don’t answer they will do other things until I do. Memories of what she’d seen in those brutal chambers flooded her mind, the reason for all this suddenly becoming obvious. Celestia tried to suppress a whinny of distress, not for herself, but for the rest of Equestria. Luna, they want our world, want to know how to bypass your wards.
She couldn’t see his face past reflections off the transparent shield over his head, but even if she could, all her attention was focused on what he held. It was a boxy blue thing with a shaft the length of his arm emerging from the top, terminating in something that glittered as if sharp. His gloved hands moved, adjusting a black cable emerging from the underside, then he twisted a control. The tip blurred as it spun at high speed, the room filling with a harsh whine.
I am Celestia, Sol Invictus, and you will get nothing from me.
He examined the tip, then let it still. “I’m sorry it’s come to this, Your Highness, but we have no choice.” He tilted the machine forwards, lining it up with her open mouth, the tip leaving her visual field. “It will all be over soon, Princess.”
Luna, my precious Luna, be strong without me, Celestia thought, as the cool metal slid into her mouth.
===
When Celestia awoke, the pain in her head was gone. Not only didn’t it hurt, but she felt good, the kind of good that normally only came with the application of certain hard to find fungi from deep in the Everfree. It was all she could do to avoid bursting into a fit of the giggles.
“Princess? How are you feeling?”
Celestia looked at the purple pony with the star-shaped outline on each hip. The young mare had a look of intense worry on her face and was fluttering her wings nervously, a habit she’d only picked up recently. Her eyes travelled to the centre of the mare’s forehead and the tiny horn. “Twilight!” she said brightly. “Why the long face?”
Celestia dissolved into laughter, while Twilight sighed and rolled her eyes.
===
Celestia drifted into consciousness, awoken by the lights flickering through the window. She stared into the night, ears twitching at the long, low rumbles and thumps, all out of synchronisation with the flashes. From a distant hilltop arose a string of lights, like a line of fireflies, arching and twisting in some strange dance. The little dots must have struck something in the dark, because there was a sudden, brilliant flash that cast stark shadows against the wall. A few seconds later there was a drawn out rumble of sound, like from a thunderstorm on the horizon.
“Why is somepony setting off fireworks at this hour?” she grumbled, the words distorted by a yawn.
A figure standing by the window, unnoticed until now, turned, head cocked. “I’m sorry, Princess, I didn’t mean to wake you.” Short and obviously fuzzy, even in the uncertain light, the pony clumsily pulled a curtain across the window with her teeth, muttering something that Celestia didn’t catch.
The pony walked over and settled at her side, her wings fluttering a little before being spread over Celestia’s back like a mother pegasus would for her foal; the difference in their relative sizes should have made for an odd experience, but somehow she still felt protected.
“You should try and get back to sleep.”
The voice was familiar, but a wave of weariness swept through her, taking with it any thought of conversation. Princess Celestia fell back into a deep and peaceful sleep, lulled by the presence of a pony she knew and trusted.
===
Early morning light streamed in through a crack in the curtain. Climbing up off the sleeping pad, back arched and legs stiff as she stretched each in turn, Celestia poked her muzzle through the gap and stared out of the window. Her eyes widened and then narrowed, mind working through the implications of the scene. Where there had been a neat lawn was a collection of human vehicles, slab sided things coloured a flat, uninteresting green.
In between the vehicles somepony -- somebody? -- had dug crude earthworks, each a small pit with a rammed earth wall in front of it. Each little fortification held a few humans and a pony, one of her Guard. It was obvious that the humans were from some organised force; each wore what could only be a uniform, more dull green covered in irregular black and brown blotches.
As she watched, one of the humans, a tall individual with skin as black as charcoal, held up a thick tube almost the length of the Guard he was showing it to, tapping various parts with his finger. The thing was obviously heavy, the human resting it against his knee as the explanation was extended by the pony's questions. Finally the Guard nodded, then gestured to the armour covering his flank. The other humans in the pit started to laugh, but the one with the tube looked thoughtful, then put the device down and started to rummage through the equipment packs neatly stacked against the wall. A few moments later he walked over to the Guard, gesturing to his suddenly interested colleagues.
Within minutes, the soldiers had rigged a harness to hold the tube, slinging it along one of the pony's flanks. "That's not going to work," Celestia murmured, fascinated by the scene, "he'll need to balance it." The Guard must have said the same thing, because the human started to attach a second tube to the other side. The pony trotted in place for a moment, then nodded and said something to the soldier, who reacted with surprise, then shrugged. He raised a small box to his mouth-- a radio, Celestia thought --then they all waited until another two humans came running over with...
Is that a machine gun? Celestia wracked her still fuzzy mind for details of the military briefing, while the device was added to the makeshift harness, long strings of brassy cylinders connecting it to a box on the other flank. Finally the assembly was complete, and the Guard turned and jumped out of the pit, much to the surprise of the humans. Celestia grinned; by the amount of effort it had taken the humans to lift all the stuff, they had obviously not grasped exactly how strong the average pony was. More words were exchanged, then the Guard proceeded to demonstrate to the soldiers; galloping, wheeling, jumping and bucking, all while carrying the improvised weapon harness.
The faint sound of laughter, not mocking, but delighted, penetrated the sealed window. We are not so different, Celestia thought as she let the curtain fall back into place, I think this can really work. Something tickled at the back of her mind, the feeling of a dream that has been forgotten upon waking. I wonder what happened to cause all of this?
There was a polite knock at the door, then Twilight entered the room. "Oh! I didn't realise you were awake, Princess. How are you feeling?" The young mare trotted forwards, head craning from side to side as she examined Celestia.
You're never going to stop calling me that, even in private, are you, Twilight? Celestia thought with an imperceptible roll of her eyes. "A bit stiff, my faithful student. I had the strangest dream, I was at the--" Celestia broke off when Twilight coughed, a look of embarrassment on her face.
"Ah, yes. About that..."
===
It was a good thing fur could hide a blush. “I remember kicking...?”
“You did,” Twilight said gravely, “two broken ribs, and another with a broken arm where you threw her into a wall.”
Celestia winced. “I will apologise in person, of course.”
“Then there were the perforated eardrums -- that’s the first time I’ve heard you use the Royal Canterlot voice--“ Twilight paused as Celestia drew her wings up to cover her face.
“Don’t stop,” Celestia said, her voice muffled. ”I need to hear all of it.”
Twilight cleared her throat. “It was at that point you declared war on the humans. At least, that’s how they interpreted what you said.”
There was a groan from under the shield of feathers. “I can see how they might reach that conclusion.”
“They understand, it was, after all, partly their fault. If they hadn’t given you the wrong painkiller then rushed you off without me...” Twilight sighed, settling her wings. “...but time was of the essence, apparently.”
"I'm never going to leave the castle again." The feathers lowered and Celestia lifted her head. "Why was I alone -- what happened to my guards?"
"They panicked, all of them. By the time they got organised again you'd been driven away." Twilight looked uncomfortable, her ears drooping. "They weren't alone; I ran too. Looks like the changes run deeper than more fur and a longer muzzle."
Celestia remembered her own reaction to the squirrel and sighed. "And I really did want to give the humans a good impression. Instead we'll be remembered as panicky animals."
"I wouldn't be too worried, Princess, I think some good will come of it; apparently your impromptu display of magical strength surprised them, and they are really eager to make sure our worlds are tied together in peace." Twilight's eyes flicked to one side, towards the door, as if somepony -- someone? -- was waiting behind it. "Really eager. I've been offered some very favourable terms by their United Nations." Here she lowered her voice to a whisper. "It looks like the humans had a bit of a panic themselves, after news of your magic leaked out."
Celestia frowned, puzzled, then understanding dawned as she recalled the lights and distant thunder from her confused awakening the night before. Too far out for fireworks, she thought, but about right for those metal ships. "They are not as united as they want us to believe, are they?"
"No, Princess. Part of the perimeter fleet tried to launch an attack on the island. The rest of them stopped it. There were casualties; at least two of the vessels were sunk."
Celestia shivered; she'd seen the size of those things -- how many hundreds of the humans had perished because of this misunderstanding? Even while her heart went out to the friends and families of the lost, the part of her that was a thousand year old diplomat came to the fore, filing the information away for the negotiations that would follow. It would be hard to get a better insight into their nature.
“Do you know what happened to me?”
There was a gleam in Twilight’s eyes and she launched into what she loved the most, lecturing. “We don’t really understand how the cross universe morphic changes manifest, but best theory is that a minor toothache was transformed into a full-blown septic abscess, which burst at the start of the sweet course. Why it took that long I...”
Celestia let the words roll through her, mind wandering. A toothache, she thought, all that for a toothache. That’s it, no more cake for me. That made her pause, because above all else she was an honest mare. Not in this world, anyway.
THE END.
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I feel a terrible urge to apologise; I'm probably going to pony hell for this one.
This fic was amazing, you have nothing to apologize for.
I trusted your truth in story tagging, and I was not disappointed. Great story.
Also, ponies as mobile heavy weapons platforms? Always awesome.
Ooh, this is very interesting. Good story, although I was a bit worried at the start.
A thoroughly entertaining read.
/snicker
lol, you cad.
This was one of the most realistic stories I read about ponies and humans meeting, and that twist was just excellently done. Good work.
3028984genesis for a tooth ache... Shiiiiiiiiiieet
What an interesting story you've crafted. And an intriguing universe (megaverse?) to boot.
Godammit --- Goddamnit
“Come on you old nag, don’t make this harder than it has to be." --- a comma is preferred.
Is that machine gun? --- machine guns can be counted.
Well, as always it pains me to see poorly-written self-insert HiE stories getting good ratings, and good ones getting disliked because everything isn't either all sunshine and rainbows or grimdark, flowing in blood. If you wanted to make a liked fanfiction, you'd just have to put in the genesis - which is indeed really strange - and make the horse thank you for asking and offering you to go to Equestria, where you'd become best friends with the CMC and Mane Six and all the other infuriating cliches.
I think this story should also have a random tag, because really - a toothache? That's pushing it, even for fanfics like those.
Still, well played! I never realised what that was until you explained it.
I thought the cover image would scare most people off (but then I remembered FoE and similar!)
===
3029909 Awww, I was aiming for very misleading!
3030172 Completely intentional; I'm glad you stuck with the story to the end.
3029936 I nearly tagged it 'dark', but as nothing actually happens... I thank you for your trust.
3030643 It's what I was aiming for; while some might react badly, I do believe that curiosity and good-will will rule the day. Thanks!
===
To those I haven't replied to individually; thanks for all the comments!
3034377
Fixed most of those (goddammit appears to be a bit flexible in its spelling). Still thinking about the comma, but you're probably right.
===
Never was one to write to be 'liked', only to a) get the ideas out of my head, and b) to have something that pushes all of my buttons. Considering the cover image and how the story starts, I'm just amazed that people liked it as much as the have!
===
A 'Random' tag is a reasonable suggestion, although the real world is like that sometimes.
It's funny. At first I was like 'Oh dear, this will be a horrible grimdark tale' - but must read anyhow.
Then a bit of the way in I guessed the twist.
Then even further in I started seriously doubting myself, thinking it was going to go back into Bad Ending territory.
And then the twist came, and it was delightful, somehow managing to surprise despite my earlier guesswork.
It was quite well-done; offputting and worrisome without ever actually being genuinely Dark, so to speak.
Pfft. Ahem.
He he. Er.
This was great. I was worried at first, of course, but this turned out quite well overall. I like the idea of Mobile Weapons Ponies, but I can't think of any reasonable way to see more of them.
I'll be blunt, this terrified me the first time I spotted it. I was like "Oh, Celestia. You poor idiot."
I seem to be making a habit of reading something you wrote, loving the snot out of it, and then finding things to complain about. And so:
Twilight shows up out of nowhere. She works well, don't get me wrong, and I can't imagine trying to find another way to make this work. But I didn't realize she came 'Earth'-side with Celestia. The first time she's mentioned -- and yes, I checked -- is this scene here:
It'd work fine for Twilight to have been brought in after Celestia's, um, for lack of a better word "disaster", but Twilight makes clear she was there at the time. That's not a problem either, except that she wasn't mentioned at the time and so it feels like just a tad of an ass-pull. If she'd been mentioned at almost any previous point up to and including during the dinner, it probably wouldn't be an issue. However, I at first assumed that she'd died before the start of the story.
I notice that my complaints recently have mostly been in the form of "You make excellent writing that's a perfectly accurate and complete description of what's going on... with the addition of one fairly small but key detail that you apparently forgot to include in a previous part to make it all work."
My American spellchecker doesn't like your presumably British spellings.
Two more general nitpicks:
Celestia to pendulum in her harness.
Extreme pedantry; obviously "was young" is matched to "the world" -- but this feels off to me in conjunction with the Princesses. Changing to "were young" would seem to fix it, but then we have a different issue (namely, it no longer agrees with "the world"). Perhaps "and the two Princesses with it"? Perhaps moved to the end of the sentence (as "back when the world was young, and the two Princesses with it")? I Unno.
Snerk.
3035932
Glad it managed to keep you on your toes; Celestia's memespace is full of cake, so I imagine that was where your guess came from. I'm still not completely sure about the 'prologue'; it primes the grimdark pump, but I wonder if the ominous hints would work better without it. That said, it does give things a feeling of inevitability, and lends a sinister air to otherwise innocuous events, because you 'know' what's coming.
3042419
I appoint thee the Fault-finder General, for your ability to locate flaws that no one else notices. The pay isn't very good, but there's a steady stream of work.
===
Typos, like shadows, breed when I'm not looking. Still thinking about the 'world was young' bit; taking out the 'Princesses' would also work, and might be the cleanest solution.
And then suddenly, Twilight. I also didn't describe any of Celestia's entourage either! That said, I could have Celestia catch a glimpse of her across the table when it all kicks off, or have her as part of the tour group. I'll have a think about it. I honestly never considered it, because in my mind there was no way the big C would go there without her purple science pony.
3034377 Does that include my fanfics?
I currently have a HiE fanfic and another grimdark fanfic that does not even take place in Equestria.
3046391
Nothing to do with Celestia; everything to do with educated guesswork from a couple decades of reading and so forth; you're the sort of author I have pegged as 'Wouldn't want to just write something predictable' so the fact that the touch of darkness was so blatant at the start suggested some sort of shenanigans were afoot.
And yet, because you do dabble in the darkness in Wasp & Spider, that guess was lacking just enough confidence to make me increasingly doubt myself.
Basically, the prologue works. The prologue is what makes the story build a sense of impending dread throughout, and without it I don't think it'd be quite so effective a resolution; the expectation that you've been operating with from the getgo wouldn't be as strongly embedded and therefore its upset would lose some panache.
3046425
Here, mate, you genuinely interested me! For why you would care about opinion of someone who has no stories himself and no experience is writing is beyond me, but I'll answer your question. And remember that what I'm saying right now might not be the only way, but my preference.
First story, Band of Five Attributes!
- starting a story with dialog is bad practise. It might work in TV shows, but it looks bad when written.
- after a character speaks, you mustn't use uppercase, like "That's it for today, folks!" He said, that's incorrect.
- "car/human hybrid" NO
- if you aren't writing comedy and a character isn't shouting, using exclamation points is bad
- avoid using words like "freaking" as the narrator, seriously.
- commas before and after interjections!
- "these keypad things" - well, that's very descriptive for a reader who hasn't got the entire story in their heads!
- "Rekka wielded a gun that could fire lasers with the force of a blazing volcano when at full power" -
lasers carry no force behind them, what you might have wanted to say is:
"Rekka wielded a gun that fired lasers with the power of a blazing volcano." (although it still sounds cheesy and, well, bad.
- "When they arrived at the library, it was not just any Q-hybrid that vandalized the place. Oh, no! The library and the courthouse directly next to it had become Q-hybrids and were having an all-out Godzilla-style battle royale!"
I've said it before and I'll say it again, unless you're writing satire or meta (and the latter you should not), exclamation points are unnecessary, really. "Oh, no!" is not fitting either.
- how can a bunch of teenagers with fancy weapons survive through being punched by a castle-sized mech thingamajing?
- if you want to write something, ask yourself "Is it necessary to put ponies in it? Can't I just do it without them?". And then get some sleep and ask yourself that question again. People using ponies just to get a wider audience is another thing that infuriates me.
- writing 1k word chapters is also bad practice. If you know you can't dish out 15k word chapters, write half of the story beforehand while still consulting with some prereaders. Then publish those on a stable (heh) schedule. Pony fiction is serious business, mate.
- commas, that's all I have to say. I need to go to sleep, so I won't correct every single one.
That's my thoughts for chapter one, onto the next!
- caps lock is not acceptable, unless you're writing satire/comedy/meta.
- He had this thing on his foreleg that looked like a strap-on rectangle. This thing, right.
- these and those have different meanings, I suggest looking them up.
- "Yes, and they carried these rectangles on their being... I can only assume they're devices of some sort." Replied Nurse Redheart, who had been tasked with looking after the newest patients.
"Nurse Redheart, they had these devices on their forelegs?" Twilight asked.
How can Twilight know anything about the devices?
"On their being" is a redundantly sophisticated way to say "on them". Unnecessary, too.
- "terrific" has a VERY different meaning from "terrifying". Look both of those up, mate.
- Twilight said that she never saw cutie marks like those, yet you didn't describe them.
- Tenmei first recognizes Twilight or Nurse Redheart as a pony, then he realizes that having a horn means he's an unicorn, yet he still calls the ponies "things"
- you need to read more about usage of "the", mate.
- there's no such thing as "..", not ".....", not "....". It's three dots and they should be used sparingly, if at all. When writing an onomatopoeia, you don't write "Ohhhhhhhh", you write "Oooh", or "Ohhh".
Alright, I've had enough, I won't try to draw a conclusion, I'm sure you'll be able to do it yourself based on my comments. For now I have a bed that's calling to me.
And since some of my comments are universal, I'll leave what I've gathered from various writers.
1. Always do research before writing a story. Skewed facts can ruin even the most well-written and thought-out story. This includes the names of places and people.
2. Don't forget to proofread. No one's going to like your story if they can't read it.
3. Keep things realistic, and make sure you're within the accepted scale of power for a given IP.
4. Sufficient plot development can solve almost anything.
5. Don't flame. The whole mess is just a pain in the ass. The acceptability of trolling depends on the quality of said trolling.
6. Follow the ratings. There are children here.
7. Don't post a story without intending to finish it (Unless otherwise stated). It's a HUGE disappointment to discover a great story and then realize it's not finished. If you have no choice, at least put "DISCONTINUED" in the summary. Or, delete the story from the FF archives as a last resort.
8. Ask for help. None of the higher-ups here got where they are all by themselves.
9. Reviews or GTFO.
10. In your description, NEVER ask people to read your story. Ninety-nine percent of the time, that's a symbol of a desperate n00b with no skillz.
11. Self-Inserts usually suffer from a general lack of creativity. Instead of shoehorning a boring teenager into a story, why not spend some time crafting an original character that fits into the universe?
12. Don't have CC's fall in love with OC's. Only professional-level writers should attempt this.
13. Sexual orientation. If a character is canonically straight or homosexual, then he or she MUST remain so. If you insist on being a douche and publishing it anyways, at least put a tag in the description, i.e.: "Contains Yaoi/Yuri"
14. The description is a small taste of what we can expect from your story. DON'T make typos, and DO capture our interest.
15. ROUGE is a color. A ROGUE is a person. I've seen this too many times, and there is no excuse for it. None.
16. If you've tagged two characters and the genre is Romance, we can figure out that they are a pair. You don't need to tell us in the description.
17. Reviews measure attention, not skill.
18. Get a prereader. Mistakes that you're oblivious to may be glaringly obvious to someone else.
19. Don't hammer it out all at once. Go back and reread it. You'll be surprised at how lame some of it sounds.
20. Figure out a storyline before you commit yourself to a story, because a failure to plan is a plan for failure.
---
1) Fanfiction can never be written just for fun, only for attention.
2) If your story is not perfect, it will be hated
3) The more popular a story is, the more hated and overrated it will become
4) If your story makes the featured box with a random tag, it does not deserve to be there
5) More sophisticated words will mean a higher quality story
6) Never, EVER, EVER, make an OC pony that is an alicorn
7) As you gain more followers, your new stories will slowly "lose their quality"
8) The more attention you receive, the more ridicule you will receive
9) Comedy is never good unless the writing is good
10) Stupidity cannot be comedy
11) The more agreeable your fic is, the better it is
12) Shipping is only good when its caked with good writing and a plot
13) Stories without cover pictures are to be shunned
14) If a less serious piece of fanfiction receives praise, take it seriously.
15) Never hesitate to hate on popularity
16) Always mask hate with lightheartedness
17) Do everything you say you shouldn't do
18) Never take pony fiction as a trivial matter
19) Do what I do and blow everything out of proportion
20) Do not leave constructive criticism when you downvote a story
21) No matter what, you will always look for praise
22) Do NOT write meta
---
"I probably won't rewrite the entire story anytime soon but possibly one day. Again, I have a horrible habbit of feeling that writing it out long is boring to other people... "
Re-read what I just quoted you on again; I want you to bear it in mind as I say these next few things.
Writing. Is. Sex. Yeah, you heard me right--writing is like that. You know all the jokes about some people only lasting a couple of minutes (or seconds)? That's because it's not supposed to be like that if it's good. It's meant to be an event of pleasure and paying attention to details while pacing just right, making sure it's allll goood. Not rushed, not too slow--just right, with all the right twists, pats, rubs, and et cetera. And while it may be boring for the person performing the act, as they are doing all the work, guess what? The partner loves it. If you just wanna hurry up and get it over with for your own sake, then guess what? Your partner sure ain't gonna stay with you, because you did nothing for them! You RUSHED, you skipped over details, you acted selfish and childish, and they're on to a much better lay!
That's what writing is, pal--taking it easy, doing it right, making all the little moves without thinking of what you want, because it's not FOR you. So, now, let's be specific on where you went wrong and caused such premature completion of what was meant to be a prolonged, happy act:
You were way, way, way too excited to get something written and shoved into our faces up here. It's like making cookies for the first time, sticking them in the oven, whipping them out while they're still plainly raw, and shoving those hot piles of half-baked-egg and too-little substance into our mouths. We're going to be burnt, disgusted, angry, and very dissatisfied. No me gusta.
As BronifiedMind stated, yes, you should have put it aside for analysis at a later date. But even before editing, you need to take your time, man. Writing takes LONGER than reading, so the more writing you put, the longer it is for someone to read. So, think about it: if you're skimping on the writing to speed up time for the reader, then what's the writing going to look like? An anorexic sprinting down a racetrack. No one wants to read about an anorexic sprinting to their doom. If it's fast for you, it's even FASTER for the reader, and they'll be left with whiplash.
Also, this fic screams of the raw emotions of someone whose brain is screaming, "I LOVE PONIES TOO OMG LEMME WRITE A FIC ABOUT LUNA AND TWILIGHT IT'LL BE SO CUTE HOLY SHIT I GOTTA DO IT NOW!!!!1!!!11!!" I get wicked effing excited about writing and ideas, too, dude... but, just like how everyone gets excited for sex, if you don't pace yourself, take your time, and put in the effort to make it real good, you may as well have never even girded your loins.
If you are serious at all about writing, then throw your overexcited ass into a cold shower, and sit down to rewrite this whole thing. Explore the moment in every scene, ask how the characters would REALLY react (Twilight would never scream like a little girl as you had her do--that was both an insult to Twilight Sparkle AND Pinkie Pie, who felt she was made fun of from a mile away), and do. It. Right. Do not submit it until you've given it your best and NOT BECAUSE YOU WANTED TO SHOW US ALL YOU SLAPPED SOME KEYS. This idea has great potential, but Alfred Nobel started dynamite as a tool to help blast through rocks so humanity could build societies in even the harshest terrains, but look what happened when it landed in the wrong hands.
Be a good writer--don't *finish* before we even feel a tingle.
---
Writers have an infinite budget when it comes to special effects.
---
"Is fanfiction serious business?
Traditionally, fanfics are just the imaginings and fantasies of fans, written without consideration for quality or integrity. It's an outlet more than a hobby or a profession or a passion.
But with a surprising amount of competent authors and fics in the community, should the community be doing more as a whole to encourage, or even enforce, professionalism in fanfiction?"
Professionalism does not = Quality. I don't blame you for making this mistake, but now I'm gonna f***ing rant.
Not every story is going to be good, or a good idea. Not every author is going to be skilled or competent. That's fine.
It's the "consideration" not the "quality or integrity" that is defined by professionalism.
YOUR attitude is professional, regardless of how good a writer you are.
Professionalism is treating your own story with respect. It is encouraging and accepting critical feedback from your readers. It is having someone take a look at your story before you publish it to make sure it's readable. It is using a spellchecker. It is having someone whose English is good editing your story if yours is poor. It is giving a shit about the fact that you are not the story's only audience.
It is also about the fact that just because you can, does not mean you should. Not everything you want to write about should be published and not everything you think about should be written.
Within the fandom, fanfiction is probably the least consumed media. For any fan based community to survive, it needs attention. It is one thing to come to this site for the first time and see a front page full of fics that are not very good. It's another to see a front page full of fics that are complete no-effort unreadable pieces of garbage. And it's another to see fics about children fucking.
I have been an avid reader in the fandom for a year and a half. But the front page of this site still makes me want to flip. What effect would it have on any of the curious bronies we need to keep this community fresh and alive? It's like someone trying to sell you a new home while the previous owners' corpses are strewn about the yard. It is not appealing.
This is why sites like EqD are so important. They at least provide a buffer for entry level fic readers. I know I would not be reading fanfics today if I had started on FiMFiction. It would have scared me away right off the bat. Tripe like Cupcakes being so renowned is bad enough. Many fans start out on fanfiction via EqD, and because of EqD's arguably high standards, these experiences tend to be positive. EqD and FiMFiction both have something in common, they require readership to exist. But while EqD maintains a wobbly level of self respect in what they feature, what is this site, the largest fixture of the fanfiction FiM community, doing to show that this community isn't traditional fanwank writing, but one where "fiction" comes before "fan"? Nothing much.
My question asks how seriously the community as a whole should take itself. I mean it's just fanfiction, but it's better. Everyone here knows it's better than that here. Everyone here knows that the quality and proliferation of quality here is unprecedented. Should we be taking that fact seriously? Should we be trying harder to show our good side? Should we be trying harder to subdue our bad side?
I love creativity and embrace it wholeheartedly, but creativity without effort isn't actually a positive thing.
---
In fact, the best critic for an artist? Themselves. If you aren't willing to berate
your own work, then you shouldn't even bother.
Nobody likes being reminded of their flaws. Nobody wants to be told they're bad. Nobody awakes up and says "you know what would be fun? I'm going to
write a list of all the reasons I suck!" with a smile on their face.
Criticism, humbleness, and blatant truth is healthy, but nobody truly enjoys it.
Criticism is like medicine or training or in some cases, just work; not everybody
enjoys doing it, but it's necessity and payoffs are well worth it, which is why it
is so well received.
3058008 I am thinking I am drunk.
Just reading your paragraphs of 'no.'
Someone besides yourself smack me, I want to not hallucinate here!
3058176
As I said before, getting negative ratings is a huge rarity on this site. Sorry, mate.
But you still could have told me that a plain "no, just no" would do it, I wouldn't have to spend time writing all of this.
3058260 *sigh*
What if I told you before your paragraphs I have a disability?
Would you have considered making it short, sweet, and to the point with all the rest of the rant in a PM?
3058265
No, it is concise and straight to the point. I had a stutter ever since my father died, yet I gladly accept to do various speeches at school and I like talking. My friend had dyslexia and he wrote a very nice story. I wouldn't expect less of you, no matter if you're disabled or not. Disabilities are excuses, although you didn't tell me what's yours.
I also suggest we talk in PMs, as our conversation needs not to be read by others.
First Contact nearly gets fucked because of a toothache.
Nice.
Can we see more of this world?
3095848
One ruined dinner party is a small price to pay for good interdimentional relations!
Nothing is planned, I'm afraid, although I may well revisit this if a suitable plot comes to mind.
I seriously was a little scared when I saw the cover art and the title.
And..........then it turns out as a toothache.
Y u so awesome?
3058015
"15) Never hesitate to hate on popularity
20) Do not leave constructive criticism when you downvote a story"
Excuse me?
3058015
I am going to take this list into consideration. However, on one note:
"17) Do everything you say you shouldn't do"
I find this rather confusing, since there are definite don'ts in writing, a few of which you mention.
3058008 Why are you reviewing somebody else's story here instead of in its own comment section?
@ the story: This was really cool. It was definitely a new take on First Contact, and that's something I'm always interested in. I also like it when somebody takes a ridiculous premise and plays it completely straight. I didn't actually realize the twist at the end was supposed to be a twist when I read it because I clicked on the source for the cover image. I guess I accidentally spoiled myself that way, but I don't think it hurt anything.
We've had wars here on Earth that started for stupid reasons. Language, skin, religion, ideology, resources. I'm pretty sure, though, this is the first time I've heard of a war caused by cake. Only Celestia.
Wonderful little story and a solid interpretation of the world's relations to one another.
I liked it overall, although it seems like it ended prematurely. I am especially interested in the whole discussion between the guard and the soldiers. Overall, very well done, interesting take on First Contact, although I'm not sold on the idea of the ponies becoming just more realistic ponies, that to me is far more disturbing than them ever turning into humans.
3311524 let them eat cake! Those words started a revolution.
I knew from the start that the humans could be strapping Celestia down to vivisect her!
Cutting ponies apart in a gruesome manner after binding them to a table is Pinkie's job!
(And yet another "Cupcakes" reference is made...
)
It's okay. Half the time we can't get the damn thing to stop exploding on its own.
3313184 That was hypothetical cake, Marie Antoinette never actually said that line, and I still don't see why it would have been a bad thing to say. Always seemed to me like "Oh, they have no bread? Give them our light, fluffy, delicious bread."
This was insanely misleading. I confess I hesitated for a good while before reading it but I'm rather glad I did. an excellent fic, even if the humans are twits XD I love your story too and good on you for making sure the pony was okay!
3315565
*bursts into laughter* ...whoo... *bursts into more laughter*
3046391
I guessed the twist when I saw the cover pic. I was like, "wat is that?" and then like "oh, dentist, lol".
I will admit I doubted myself during the course of the story a little, though.
3058015
Must say, while you make some good points in some places, I have to disagree with others. That, and I'm not sure if the comments section of a story is a good place to put a comment not relating to the story except by some digression.
3317955
I don't agree with some points either, the second list is a joke in places.
And I allowed myself to write it down here, because I consider comments that can universally help writers worth more than cupcake references and twenty Rainbow Dash faces. Actually, you're right, but I was very sleepy. If you were me, though, where would you post such tips?
3310606
Because I was very sleepy at the time, and thought that other people can use some tips, like not putting ponies in a srs fic with car-human hybrids.
3310389
3310092
The second list is not to be considered serious. Not all of it, at least, but I decided I'll just post it and let others guess what is a tip and what isn't.
Now, if anyone got more questions, don't ask them there. Some people might get mad if they see that, gasp, some comments are off topic!
This is pretty dang good. I've got some nitpics but, to be honest? I'm liking it as a one-shot.
3318932
Usually in a PM to an author, or in a blog post you could then link to in a comment, instead of stretching the page; preferably among comments relating to the story they're attached to.
This is just my opinion, though.
Thanks for all the comments, folks! I'm kind of surprised it was as well received as it was.
===
3312613
I have a horrible tendency to go too far, turning what should be a quick project into something that takes months, thus the decision to end it there (the bit with the guard came very late in the day, out of a discussion with my editor). I'll admit, I prefer my cartoon ponies a little more horse-like!
3315565
Science is hard! Although as a fellow consumer of liquid helium, I'd appreciate it if you would not boil off all the worlds supply this time...
3315836
Obviously the intention was to mislead, so I'm glad you took the plunge! I wouldn't blame the humans too much, they were doing the best they could with what they knew (there's nothing like incomplete information for making bad decisions).
3317955
That was pretty much my reaction as well -- even knowing what it is, it still gives me the shivers.
3318971
Any nitpicks in particular? Inquiring minds want to know!
3319907
Well, humanity would be savy enough not to give up too much even in the face of the unknown but I can totally see this as a knee-jerk reaction to the suddenness of the 'incident.' Once the limits of pony abilities become more known, I suppose they'll have some modern-type weaponry (at least on this side of everything) what with the battle harness and all but if Celly makes the UN cave too much, it might end on a bit of a sour note.
I can also totally see humanity suddenly panicking about the situation - ships and planes swarming like a kicked wasps nest - but to lose three vessels and still have things pretty not-tense enough for soldiers to be sharing weaponry? That's a bit much. Admittedly, I might have missed exactly how long Celly was out for so maybe there was time enough for that but in the face of this ... situation, I would think that the troops would be briefed on keeping humantech a bit more 'close to the chest' in case things went belly-up.
I mean, these things do not detract from this one-shot enough to cause concern. It's a one shot and it's really good as such. If you want to expand it, I might frown a bit at the looseness of these professionals - but again, not enough to dislike it. To be honest, it's one of the more interesting and well done First Contact type stories out there. Not the BEST, but one of the few I can say are fighting for a good second or third place in my mind.
Just a few minor things. Oh, and Earth-magic needs to be handled really carefully to a) avoid OP'ing the humans and b) avoid offending anyone's spiritual sensibilities. Though to be honest, if you're studying or practicing a metaphysical craft/art, you need to be open-minded enough to accept fictionalized accounts of it for what they are. Still ...
3319907
Aww, what's the matter? Don't want to go to the DeNtIsT?
3315705 I could kiss you.
Thank you for knowing your history!
I really, really like this short. kudos!
3320582
You are absolutely right! I've never had a single filling, instead my only involvement with that branch of medicine has been extractions (all four canine teeth) and root canals (two incisors, apparently they 'just died').
3319955
OpSec for the human troops: valid point, but let me give you another perspective.
The Princesses' original visit caused chaos, and they would have seen something of the reaction on the human side (obviously the portal exit point can be selected), hence their keeping away for fear of starting a war. There was then a period of time for the humans to get used to the idea of extra dimensional aliens (a real black swan event; I'm of the opinion that such an occurrence would cause humanity to either fall apart or pull together -- I went for 'together', so the humans sought out the ponies).
Celestia's visit was after a significant period of information exchange and physical visits; I'd imagine that the worst excesses of each side would be glossed over/made less significant, but I like to think a relatively honest exchange would take place, including military capability (if only because there's no point in hiding your abilities completely; the strategy is a bit like MAD during the cold war -- you want the other side to know you can turn any invaders into ash, even if you don't show them exactly how to do it).
The upshot of this is that a) the simple tech like machine guns and MANPADS/antitank systems would not be secret (although the more sophisticated stuff would be), and b) the Guard were present during the attack on the island, so they've seen some of the stuff being used.
After the attack the soldiers would have been tense, but the threat was from other humans, rather than the fuzzy talking Shetland ponies they were there to protect (and the Guard would have been there with them, facing the same threat). I imagined the attack to be mostly offshore, a missile/drone strike to quickly eliminate a perceived threat (based on flawed intelligence), with no real ground combat (those present are from the 'friendly' side, obviously).
===
Earth magic is easy: a) humans don't get any, and b) if you are reading a story about magical ponies, I'd also hope you'd be flexible enough not to get offended...
3323782
That was something I thought about after the fact - if they contacted Luna somehow to advise her of the situation and to ensure that if Celly woke up in a 'declare war' mood because of misperceived actions, they'd have someone in power and in the know to help keep her from trying to start a war.
Except if the situation is that relaxed and contained, what fear does the UN have that suddenly make them so acquiescent? You've got two things happening here: humanity is afraid because of strong magic thus earning the ponies better deals (at least, that's how I perceived what Twilight said of the UN) and you've got the two governments (the military providing security and Equestria) working very closely together - so much so that the soldiers are sharing gov. property with the ponies on an ad hoc basis. These two situations seem almost mutually exclusive to me.
If this military helping the ponies is one government and one government only, acting almost unilateral to the main UN effort, then maybe I could see that? But that seems naive in the face of the potential threat the UN sees and with this 'other' suddenly being a focus, defeats the purpose of a unified humanity.
TL;DR Having the UN being afraid of magic and yet the soldiers sharing weapons and such seems two mutually exclusive actions to me.
I really didn't want to make any assumptions while I was reading this story... but goddammit. That short sneak-peek in the beginning of what's to come had my gears churning as to what could possibly be the better outcome. While I couldn't think of anything that could explain Celestia's sudden pain, I started to think that it was actually poison. Oh, Luna-tic Scientist. You really know how to put down chaos into words. I'll cast my vote in wanting more of this story.
3321657 Platonic cheek-kiss accepted. Score one for historians.