Flown away. If you want to talk to me, message me on any of my linked accounts.
My entry for the Random Romance September Prompt. Sunset Shimmer returns to Equestria, but ends up finding more than she bargained for...
Notice: this is completely unedited. Feedback of any kind is always appreciated! Read, comment, and enjoy!!
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well it all seems a bit rushed, and well i can't really picture Shining Armour leaving Cadance like that, or Cadance saying explicit words like that.
That story art is pretty damn sweet. It has the same style as Panty and Stocking with Garterbelt.
3274430 I actually think it was pretty good besides a few spelling errors but, hey, thats your opinion and we all have different ones.
What. Just. Happened. "Oh hey, I divorced my understandably upset wife on the spot, then used my Spider Sense to find Sunset in two seconds flat, so we could make out in front of my sister..." Isn't unsupported infatuation great? The Ice Skating scene was completely pointless, weren't they just worrying about Celestia? Why did Sunset go "I'm her student.", when she knew she wasn't anymore? No. No. No. No.
I had to skip most of this story because the plotting was unbearable, just to find out that no; it wasn't going to pull out of the nose dive and be SunsetxTwilight.
Plot contrivance away!
This was incredibly rushed. Literally in one day, Shining Armor finds Sunset Shimmer and falls in love with her while kicking his wife to the curb. Uhmmmmmm, what? How does that work? In the real world we call that infatuation and it usually doesn't last very long so within a couple of weeks we can expect Shining Armor to go crawling back to Cadance begging her to take him back because he's realized what a terrible mistake he just made.
What could have saved this was background information. Let us catch a glimpse of Shining Armor's home life. Have us see that Cadance treats him badly. Maybe she's manipulative or even emotionally abusive towards him in private but she's the perfect example of the loving, attentive wife when in public. Have him come home after spending a carefree day with Sunset Shimmer and she grills him over where he's been, she's harsh and menacing but then turns it around with fake sincerity and says that she's only this way because she loves him and to prove it they make love. But in his mind, Shining Armor is picturing Sunset Shimmer and not Cadance. He has a powerful finish, Cadance smiles thinking that he's all hers once again while Shining Armor just feels disgust with himself for this act.
The final act where we have the confrontation could have been played out a little better and have Cadance act all vulnerable in public but turn into a harpy when they're alone. Then you can have her swear up a storm and her true face is shown. Shining Armor finally grows a backbone and leaves her and his subsequent reuniting with Sunset Shimmer could have been a little sweeter.
You had the basis for a story here but you rushed it.
3274982 Yes. Did you notice the grammar improved from chapter one to three? Although with a net total of 3k-some words, chapters didn't seem necessary.
Know what? For completing a quick piece for the last day of the month, I admire your desire to participate in events. This story was indeed random in focus, with a romantic overtone. Mission accomplished.
Thanks everyone, for your opinions. I also think I rushed it, and it could have been so much better. But I only had three days to write this, and am planning on editing it today. I hate how I write. I'm terrible.
Not too shabby. Needs some work on timing, but hey, things get better. The plot is interesting.
3276414 i think it was cute
story feels a bit rushed on the romance if you were implying anything. neat though.
The possibilities were there with this concept, but I'm sorry to say the delivery was...
I won't go into intense detail, but I have two primary bits of advice for you:
First, slow down. This story used 3600 words when it should have been more along the lines 10,000, considering the goal. Your characters are making huge, life-changing decisions on the spur of the moment, and it doesn't come out well.
Second, and related, is that you need to pay more attention to your characters. Few of them behaved even remotely like themselves, and even if they did, the emotion comes out as forced because there's no time taken to really get the reader into the moment.
This had the potential to be a gem. You could rework it and make it so. As always, I encourage you to keep writing! It's the best way to improve.
3297051
I know...I only had 4 days to write this and the submission deadline is already passed....I may rewrite it.
Let me clue you into a little secret, we're all terrible writers. No one ever gets it right the first time, we make mistakes so we can learn from them. I would defiantly recommend going back and taking the time to rewrite this story. Eventually we'll review it in the group, and you'll want at its best. I'll offer a more in-depth critique after I finish the review I am currently engaged in. And thank you for participating in our contest!
O____O well this is...........I don't know what this is.It's good but......well......not my cup of tea.
It's cool, but it's not the kind of story that I fancy, espicially the divorse thing" but never-the-less is it good
No...just...just no -_-
(No one has ever commented on the first chapter, in over two years? The heck?)
Hey there! :) I guess this is gonna be a bit of a short story. Still, I'm quite interested to see how it goes. "Random Romance" is right; not even a hint in the first chapter, except perhaps the "Twilight saved her" bit. But sometimes, the unprecedented can be all the more exciting!
Interesting choice with the Owl City lyrics. Most writers credit things like that in the author's note, though.
Is this about to become Shining Shimmer? Didn't see that coming. I'm surprised there's not an AU tag, unless Shining cheating on Cadance is about to become canon.
"*to see"
"*Clover the Clever"
Well, "Random" is right! I don't think I've seen a better use of a Random tag anywhere on this site, if we're taking the definition as literally as possible. That said, it was quite rushed, but the plot itself is very original! I certainly didn't see it coming, myself. Stop bashing on yourself! Instead of knocking yourself down for being "sooo terrible," you should examine what you don't absolutely love about your work and try to fix it. If that's everything, then rewrite everything! Only you can take what you're envisioning and make it happen.
3297051 I couldn't have said it better than this comment right here. Heed that advice in the future, and you'll only become happier with your work.
6751088
Ah, you remind me that I read this once long ago, in an age before I was writing reviews. I now have no choice but to add it to my re-read queue so as to guarantee it gets a proper review sometime in the future.
I'll try to be gentle, all things considered.
6751245 Ha! Sorry for tagging you for a comment from over two years ago. I just really agree with what you had to say way back then. Although, if by happy accident I've led you to reread something long forgotten, which is a good thing, then you're welcome I suppose!
...Shining cheated on Cadence with Sunset? This is too fast, e'en for me.