Me and my friend Josh Thomas who is not a Brony but still kind of enjoys the show and only watches it when he's hanging out with me get teleported to Equestria and have adventures and fun with the characters from My Little Pony Friendship is Magic.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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You know, if you add a little detail, actually show us what's happening and not just listing it all out, maybe, just maybe, your stories will actually gain likes and would be a respectable length.
Meh, Normal said it all.
Every stories from you have these flaws pointed to you, you should really pay attention to these comments. Until then, you're going to swim in the downvotes.
Oh! And don't forget periods, ya got these big paragraphs that I'm unsure to even call run on sentences due to the lack of any punctuation!
3420252 Evan Carlton is my real life name I am not referencing Fresh Prince of Bel Air.
3420475
So you do know how to read comments on your stories!
Is this your first fanfiction?
This looks familiar. Wasn't this already on here and you took it down because nobody liked it?
A self insert fic where you used your own name.
*sigh*
Right, a self-insert is where you put yourself in a universe you'd rather live in and often make yourself incredibly important. This usually makes very bad writing and is considered the ultimate sin for a writer. Mainly because we the audience don't care about you at all, we care about interesting stories about interesting characters, and a self insert is generally very boring.
Also, IDing yourself on the internet where any troll can get you name? Bad idea, said troll could then use your name to find out where you live and cause all sorts of trouble.
Wow, you must REALLY be bored. This is kinda sucky but I'll give it a like. (I havent even read the whole thing, just only three paragraphs)
I even brought the mane 6 to show their responses.
i.imgur.com/9HY53al.gif
Uh oh. I'm afraid this isn't very good at all.
First off
I had to quote the whole thing because there are no periods at all, even at the end of the paragraph. Secondly, 'one day' is kind of an infant way to start any piece of literature. Then there is, of course, the very bleak explanation of how you got to Equestria. Surely an explanation of the events that transpired might have made it a bit more of a solid story, simply because, as it is, it makes me, and perhaps many others, believe that you were just standing doing nothing, when all of a sudden, you were in Canterlot Castle (which, as it is a place, should have the 'c' at the start of castle capitalised. For instance, I'm from the United Kingdom, and then there's the United States. As they are places, the start of each word is capitalised. Also, though it isn't necessarily an error, I'd advise dashes instead of brackets. Brackets tend to throw people's concentration.
Furthermore, something that really bugs me is:
Finally, when listing, the final item, or pony in this case, should have a bracket before the 'and.' It should look like 'Applejack, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash, and Rarity.
Try 'The rest of the Mane Six.' The 'the' before Mane Six should not be capitalised. Mane and Six should, since it's an identity, but you got that right.
There's the first paragraph done. Onto the second.
Anyway seems a little iffy of a start to a paragraph to use in this type of writing, unless it is during speech. I'm not sure writing 'pegasus wings' is really necessary because, though stating the obvious can sometimes be good, it just feels a little dumbed down to me. A really big issue is that Princess Twilight or Princess Cadence - you didn't state which - ask that question in a way that makes it seem as though taking you to Equestria was intentional. This is an error that leads onto the next paragraph.
Why are neither of you sounding bothered that you've been taken from your families, your other friends, your homes, and everything you know? Jeesh, i think even the most hardcore brony would be at least a little bothered, especially since, as I said, Twilight's or Cadence's statement suggests to me that they were intentionally trying to pull you into Equestria.
Moving forward.
It is occurring a lot, but the speech system here is horrible. As this is a short paragraph with no immediately noticeable errors, I'll point it out. First off, using speech like that makes no sense. If you are going to use 'x told me,' it suggests that it's more of a recall than speech. Try 'Twilight told me there were no side effects to the spell' or, even better, simply write it like normal speech. '"You would think so, but that is not the case," replied Twilight.' Notice the two commas.
*sigh* more.
I've mentioned the speech system. Try using bold font instead of capitalising the whole sentence, and only use one exclamation point. Using any more punctuation and capital letters than necessary looks unprofessional and sloppy.
Plot flaw. Let's say you are the president/prime minister/monarch of the country you are from, and an alien invades, would you immediately trust them? If I was the king of England, I sure as hell wouldn't. Apart from that, this is possibly the most flawed paragraph of the whole thing. Lookie here:
That is just irritating in a few ways. Namely, the idea that Princess Celestia knows your names suggests even further that placing you in Equestria was intentional. If I was in such a position, I'd at least be getting a little angry that I was intentionally ripped from everything I know. Also, how does Princess Celestia know what a brony is? How does Princess Celestia know that she is part of a television programme? Also, though by far it's not the biggest issue, I believe there should be a colon between pony and friendship.
I'm going to tell you that I'm starts with a capital 'I.' secondly, back to my previous example. If I were the king of England, I wouldn't give a member of an alien species anything that could allow him/her to cause a problem until I deemed them trustworthy. Either you are writing Princess Celestia as a leader who's a bit too easy to earn trust from, and who doesn't realise what is best for her subjects, or a leader who doesn't really care about her country. Either way, it's well out of character.
This is basically Princess Celestia saying 'F
k you. I know it would be easier for you to stay in Canterlot until you are needed, but you can't because that would be to convenient for you. Instead, you have to travel to Ponyville, only to have to travel back here later. I'm going to inconvenience the s
t out of you.' Is there no choice here? I think Princess Celestia would at least give them the option to look around Canterlot, with escort, of course.
And we proceed.
Actually, aside from the annoying speech system, there are no errors here.
The anyway again. Has the Applejack been doubled? Also, on the same note, Big Mac is also Applejack's brother, you didn't even mention Applebloom before using her name to suggest Big Mac was her brother. As I mentioned earlier, the final item in a list has a comma before the 'and'. Also in this instance, it would look more like 'and, of course, Princess Twilight.' Both commas are important, the period isn't. I was just using the period because that's where my sentence ended. Also, the way you have written that suggests an instant change of events. Consider using a scene breaker. If you are unaware what a scene breaker is, it's essentially something like this:
End of one scene
Scene breaker (I use three stars in my writing).
Start of the next scene.
Let's put that to use in your writing.
It just makes everything a whole lot more clear and concise. Though I was a bit worried about using them at first, they always help, and your readers will know what they mean. I do, however, always like to see the Ditzy x Doctor headcanon. Who said I had to be fully negative?
Am I done yet? *scrolls up* enope.
There should be a period after telekinesis. But by far, the biggest problem is:
Having read the comments, I know that Evan Carlton is your name. I'm not sure if Josh Thomas is a name of a real friend of yours, but I sincerely hope not, because if he agreed to let you ID him online...Well let's just say, it wasn't a smart move. Putting your full identity online is never a good idea. There are serious crimes that can be pulled off just by knowing someone's name. First name is ok, I've identified myself by my first name on my Page because there will be loads of people with a common fore name, but not may with a common fore and family name.
Say those three words to yourself. Don't quite sound right. Now try Luna and I. Much better right?
Period after necklaces as it looks like the end of a sentence. Luna and I again. Capital 'c' at the start of castle as it's part of a name, and a period at the end of castle as it looks like the end of a sentence.
Once again, I'd advise a scene breaker above this, comma between 'Spike' and 'even' and another comma between 'come' and 'they.'
The ever dreadful 'anyway' again. Capital 'c' on castle, I mentioned pegasus wings before, much the same with unicorn telekinesis. We know only unicorns and alicorns can use it, we aren't that dumb. Period after telekinesis. Also, if you can travel between dimensions, then there is no real problem to keep the readers engaged as there is with the better HiE fics. Also, I'm detecting the stupid Alice in Wonderland 'there's no place like home' bulls
t that I disliked myself. Seeing a shoddy copy of it just fuels it.
Speech system again. Also something bothers me about using Princess Celestia's and Princess Luna's title in the speech, but not Princess Twilight's. Do you both have less respect for Twilight or could it be that, after spending time with Twilight, the formality dropped? Either way, it would be nice to have stated it somewhere.
Anyway thing again. We know what our planet is, and after not minding being essentially abducted, the reason you returned is because your friend, who was actually with you, was spending the weekend at your house. And then, 'The end' is also a pretty infantile way to end any kind of writing.
I'm sorry, I can't bring myself to read any more, whether presently uploaded, or to be uploaded.
Please heed these criticisms, criticising you isn't going to help me in any way at all, in fact, they are meant to help you. I know it's a loooooong comment, and I may have unintentionally came across as quite rude, but the ultimate goal is to help you improve on future projects.
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You sir, are a trooper for even bothering to provide such an in-depth critique on something that surely doesn't deserve it.
You're related to Zeldafand aren't you?
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Just by reading the description, shows its awful but I went ahead and read it and my god......DO YOU HAVE NO SHAME HERE!
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no.