When Scootaloo forgets her saddlebag at school one day, Cheerilee sends Sweetie-Belle to her house return it. But when Sweetie-Belle returns to the school, she brings with her a harrowing tale of Scootaloo's home-life.
From the unexpected events that follow, Rainbow realises that in order to ensure Scootaloo's happiness, she can no longer remain just a sister. She needs to become… a little bit more.
Edited by: Mike from ShadowBlades
Cover Art by: Alex from ShadowBlades
A Rainbow Scoot-Adopt story
Chapters (4)
ShadowBlades approved!
~ Michael
Maybe there can be some ScootaBelle in here. It certainly has the possibility for it after that little... happening.
~SolidFire
Jees, that's pretty damn brutal. Writing seems decent enough, not quite an original concept, butt I'll follow all the same.
Interesting start, though there are some issues. The biggest one is that Sweetie Belle's name is not hyphenated. It's not Sweetie-Belle. I can point out the other issues if you want, but that's the biggest one.
3481074 Really? It's not hyphened? Huh... I guess I was wrong.
~ Michael
I need coordinates for a black flame run please provide. Excellent start, faved and followed
Why.....why why why why.....I hate waiting
3481464 don't worry, I'm editing chapter 2 as we speak er text... its 5,000 words so it's a big one.
~ Michael
Now this looks to a very interesting fanfic. Can't wait to see what happens in the next chapter.
...
Well, glad to see some awesome writers working on this.
The ShadowBlades are editing? Huh, why do keep coming across them?
pretty good. im into it so write some more!
i want to murder her dad i want to literally rip his wings off and shove them down his throat but that isn't enough. We need to see him suffer.
3482198
Methinks you are a little angry at Scootaloo's father right now.
3481969
More hath been written, it is now in the editing phase :
3481705
My thanks.
And I agree with your awesome comments agout the ShadowBlades
If not for Mike the grammar of this story would make dicord happy
3481464
I Pinkie Promise you won't have to wait too long.
3481074
Thanks for letting me know I'll bear that in mind about Sweeties name in the future.
3481061
I know it seems a brutal start, but I was hoping for a hit-you-in-the-face WTF reaction from people. 3481074
3481273
Coordinates = Pnyvle sctn 05alpha - enjoy
So...
Commas
Rainbow's
comma
Sweetie Belle.
comma. not dash.
comma splice.
comma
Comma
Comma. A good rule of thumb is if you speak it out loud and pause, comma.
Period. Not dash.
Comma, period.
stallion
Don't need the *. In fact, describe the door slamming. Sweetie Belle's. Period.
comma not dash.
comma before "and" and Sweetie Belle.
comma
"Let her go!" Sweetie Belle screamed as she...
You have a double space, and another Sweetie Belle.
You underlined 'fast' in the story. Italics would be better.
Comma. Also, why not say "Cheerilee?"
Will be home before long. Also, wouldn't she have to come to the school? It doesn't matter when Rarity gets home because she has to go to the school. Something like "I have a feeling Rarity will be here for her before too long." would work a little better.
comma. Also, there is no time between Rainbow taking off and getting to the library. Expand that. On yet another point, you describe Twilight here as a "shocked alicorn." There is a better descriptor, right? I mean, show us that Twilight is shocked, don't tell us.
Em dash. Also, you don't need the said tag. Describe her actions, not her words, since we already know what they are.
Comma splice. "Not now, Twi! This is important!"
Twilight's
period, not dash.
He'd kill her.
As the blows rained down upon her, she started to think that this was finally it. This would be the day he would go to far. This time he'd kill her.
Period or semi-colon.
comma
Lightning Dust's
comma splice.
It? And why the caps?
Comma splice.
comma. Also, proper nouns are capitalized.
Comma, not dash. You also forgot to hit enter with that second sentence.
and, unexpectedly for him, attacked.
stallion's
Standard issue to an entertainment team like the Wonderbolts?
Hooves, not feet.
Easy there, Dash. You're in bad shape." Also, show us how Spitfire is getting RD to relax. Not tell us.
no comma needed.
treat wounded ponies, she set...
comma splice.
comma splice.
Looking at the filly, she swore that she would help however she could.
Comma splice.
Rainbow screamed in fury, slamming the stallion before grabbing him with her forearms and throwing him across the room.
She didn't notice that he twisted in the air and landed on his hooves until he charged her..." Two other things: One, try to think about his position while tackling her. It seems unlikely that he could charge at her and slam his hoof on Scootaloo's wing. Two, Scoots' wings are small. So small that he'd also have to slam his hoof into her body to get to her wing.
whinny, and she slammed...
"On the aerial combat raged. Each blow that landed weakened Rainbow..." I'm also having a little trouble buying that this guy can hit her. She's the fastest pony in the entire world, or at least one of them. She should be flying circles around him, not engaging him in a one-on-one fight that she would know that she didn't have the strength to match him with. Also, is she fighting back at all? Because the way you're describing this it sounds like she's not.
comma.
more, and she
comma
comma splice.
enter key.
the one what?
colon would work here, I think.
Spitfire's
"kid's." Also, why the space in the ellipses?
period.
Enter key. Also, who is she talking to?
no ellipses. Ellipses are for when somebody is trailing off.
"hope." You don't need the rest. We already know who is speaking.
show don't tell.
hooves.
Too many ellipses. Twilight is a princess. Even in the show during times of crisis she doesn't act this scared. I get that she is, but this stutter doesn't sound like Twilight at all. Also, you don't need to say "Twilight didn't finish what she was..." we already know that because she trailed off and stopped speaking.
Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle.
comma splice. Also, just have AJ say "now." You're overdoing her accent otherwise.
Sweetie Belle.
Yeah, those are some of the errors I found. If you don't want me to point them out anymore I won't. I'll keep reading at any rate.
Wow, looks like Sweetie and Dash just saved Scoots' life. Poor thing. That stallion is so dead. I can just imagine Rainbow saying to Spitfire, "just give me five minutes alone with him that's all I ask." or something like that.
3482428 That is quite a few O.o. Did you leave any for anyone else, not that I really want to try my hand at searching for grammatical errors.
3482776
And that's AFTER me and Mike from the ShadowBlades spent 3 hours editing the chapter! Believe me you wouldn't want to have seen it beforehand.
3482659
Wish i'd have thought of something like that when i wrote this chapter...
3482428 sweet mother leviathan, you do that often?
3483528 Every now and again. Only for stories that have some potential that I don't want to see ruined by typos.
3483539 well, good work. I appreciate what you are doing for the community.
Scootaloo needs her friends near her nah.” de-accent the nah part for me now
Where's the Rider when you need him? Scootaloo's dad needs to be mindraped by the Penance Stare.
Edit what the Bronywriter said
3482659 Yes, because Rainbow has already proved that she can take him -_-
Well that got me raging real quick. Nice job.
*fixes bayonet*
One thing I especially liked was how the father wasn't just some monster from Tartarus. He blamed his daughter for his wife's death. I like a somewhat relateable villain infinitely more than just a hate magnet. (I still want to see him burn at the stake though)
oh, and also
HHHHUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRK
Hmm.
You know, there's a lot of Scootabuse stories I've seen on this site, and most of them tend to be either really poorly written, overly sentimental, or both. This one, I will say, doesn't seem to fall into either of these categories(not for the most part). I mean, sure, there's still quite a few grammar and spelling errors scattered throughout, but not so many that it makes it difficult to read or understand, and the quality of the writing is pretty solid overall.
In terms of sentimentality with all the character's emotions and stuff... yeaaahh, there's some of it there. Don't get me wrong; I don't feel like the author is necessarily beating the reader over the head with a brick going "CRY, DAMN IT, CRY!" like many Scootabuse-type stories do, though I won't go as far as to say that the whole thing felt "natural," either.
This story has a nice quality to it, and while it shares the whole "cliché" arc of Scootaloo getting adopted out of abusive circumstances, there's still enough here to make it worth reading anyway.
Anywho, have an upvote, my good fellow.
scootadopt is best dopt
While reading, I could imagine the dad (if it's a good idea to call him that) laying in a hospital bed, restrained, and a few guards watching him, and Celestia giving him a death glare.
Or maybe he should get... The STARE. I wish I knew just how to get the emoticons on here, if there is one of Fluttershy doing the stare. I am reading this on my phone and I don't think I can use them on here.
Can't wait for more. Cannot wait for Scoots.
3484128 It was stated that his counterattack came as a surprise to her. If Rainbow was on her guard from the start, she could take him.
3484128 Uhhhh... When?
~ Michael
3486447 I was being sarcastic.
3486331 Yes, but it could have only surprised her for a moment. If she could have taken him, she would have already, and that mo' fo' would be burning in Tartarus.
This story was amazing I wish there was more chapters I don't want to stop reading that's how good this story is it almost made me cry and I wanted to hit that's stallion in the face
3486867 We have the whole story done and are editing it as we speak!
~ Michael
3482428
Thank you! When I come load Chapter two (After it's finished being edited) I will also update Chapter one to include your edits.
3483924 Why would you want to expose the rider to such evil, he's too innorcent.
- - - then again. . . .
3484393
Bayonet? I think I'll stay outta the way of an angry Templar. . .
Thanks, Although I do have a couple of Generic villains in one of my other fics, I prefer to add a little bit to make people try to get what makes them tick.
3484818 My thanks
3484820 I think so
3485687
That would be rather. . . warm.
There isn't a stare but there is this -
To get them you have to know the name of the emoticon - the example I used was flutterage, then just put semicolons before and after the word - take the spaces out of my example and it will show the emoticon instead. ---> : flutterage :
3486479 really? Sarcasm on this site? i did not think it existed . . . .(How well did I do.)
3486331 I won't give anything away, but there is more action to come.
3486482
Would Tarturus accept him though, they may reject him for being too eeeeviiiilllll. LOL
3486867 As Shadowblades before me said, don't worry, the full story has been written, we're just in the editing phase of it now. Will hopefully have more uploaded soon!
3487088
Then I'm going to LOVE THIS!!!
Clunky and overacted. Poor dialogue. No horror. Ponies behaving stupidly for plot contrivance. Downvote.
:3
THAT DOCTOR MUST DIIIIIE FOREVER ALONE >8D
Oh Pinkie, I see that when it comes to dreams, we have something in common.
Wow what a chapter. It takes a lot for me to actually get angry at a character but you did it. I wanted to send Night Glider himself to go beat the stuffing out of him. So much great suspense and awesome badass moments.
There is only one you should consider adding: Music. Music to help convey emotion or add to it more. I highly recommend the Kingdom Hearts 1.5 soundtrack or Attack on Titan soundtrack. But whatever you want is up to you.
Reference comment by Peace about Tartarus.
Just because they were sent to Tartarus doesn’t mean that the majority of them didn't love their children. Send that misbegotten piece of trash there
Once Apple Bloom figures out what her cutie mark is, she can build Scootaloo an awesome working artificial wing.
It is interesting how tragedy can bring out the best or the worst in people (ponies)
Don't go into the light Scootaloo!
The....feels.....too...many....
I died-ed.
Keep writing.
Such a good story, keep it up!
Please tell me Scoots will either get her wings back or just like John Tannius said she should get artificial wings.
3498117 Haha! This was the part that I thought up! I'm glad that you guys liked it.
~ Michael
Oh and what did you guys think of the grammar this time? I took a lot more time and care in editing this chapter; I wanted to see if there'd be a good response before we went back and went all out editing the first chapter.
~ Michael
I'm sure that some coming across this story might think, "Good lord, not another Scootabuse fic!" but this is very well done so far. I was glad the Sweetie Belle saw what was going on with Scoots and her father and decided that it was her business. Then Sweetie got Dash to come to Scoots rescue as well as the Wonderbolts. I hope that Scoots survives.
3498125>>3498328 Yeah, Scoots should be able to get an artificial wing. Although normally that wouldn't work, cause pegasi flight is dependant on their magic and an artificial wing wouldn't be able to carry their magic. However I'm sure Twilight could figure out some way of enchanting it to work, maybe a modification of the Glitterwings spell she used on Rarity. If any pony can figure out how to do it, it would be the Princess of Magic.
Boy, a lot of action happens here. The nerve of that doctor charging so much for treating Scoots, (though, you have to wonder why in the TV shows, the patients in them are never seen dealing with their medical bills) I was glad that Twilight called the doctor on that GO TWILIGHT!!
I loved how Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom told Dash that they would remain Scootaloo's friend no matter what, even though she might respond negatively to losing her wings. Providing of course that Scoots survives.
So now everyone's heading toward Canterlot where Scoots will hopefully receive the right care and she will survive. I hope that they would find a way to restore Scoot's wings if she survives.
Finally, I love how you featured Princess Luna in this chapter. I am looking forward to the Season 4 premiere next Saturday, but the teaser shows hints that Nightmare Moon will reappear. I am really hoping that Princess Luna hasn't resumed being Nightmare Moon since she's my favorite Princess Pony. Anyway, I love her in this chapter. I am glad that she gave that creepy doctor the dressing down that she did. GO LUNA!!
Anyway, I am looking forward to the next chapter and see what happens.
3498747 Don't worry about Luna, a lot of us believe that is a flashback and that we will most likely be seeing the past as Celestia saw it with Twilight.