Twilgiht feels bad about treating Rainbow Dash the way she did so when she goes too apologize her life changes in way that she never would have thought.
AU! i say AU! *places fifty bits on the table* It has to be AU, otherwise they wouldn't be like 'Oh you're back from Aunt Celly?' i mean if it were time travel, how'd the kids come into existence? from my knowledge (aka what they say in here) it doesn't seem like they've had sex, especially ina way that'd make them have kids. I mean it COULD be a dream.... ina weird way...
The idea is gold and I like it a lot. Seriously. You have yourself a story with a ton of potential.
However, you REEEAALLY need to work on your sentence structure, use of punctuation, and tense shifts. Also, this feels incredibly rushed. This chapter should have had more time between events to let important data sink in to the readers mind. Some of your descriptions could use a little polishing as well. Not to mention the typos that were present throughout the whole thing.
Do not let this discourage you, however! This comment is in no way meant to be taken as a "You should stop and not continue" type of thing, because that is the opposite of what I think. All the things I mentioned in the above paragraph are handled through PRACTICE, and I would love nothing more than to see your brilliant idea be given a wonderful story. You've got my attention, and I intend to follow this story through to its completion. I look forward to watching you develop your writing!
3754972 I guess it's a vision of some kind. During that, Twilight learns to love Rainbow and sees how wonderful it is to spend time with her. And in the end she gets back to the woods and sweeps Rainbow off her hooves. Something like that.
3755911 Thanks I'll definitely take your advise into consideration. I was planing on getting an editor and a proofreader for the rest of the chapters so I hope that will help.
Spike walked over to his soul sister and put a claw on her forehead.
Sorry not sorry.
This has got some serious potential. I don't think I've seen anything like this crop up yet in TwiDash, and it's really good to see something new with a fresh take on the pairing. I'm more than intrigued for a funny, fluffy, and funtastic story here.
That being said, I agree wholeheartedly with Vert up there. You may want to slow down in the writing here, give us readers (and Twilight) some time to let everything sink in. An editor can really help plow through those little grammatical errors and typos that pop up every now and then, but if you can, find an editor who can try and help you smooth over the dialogue, pacing, and description of the story here.
What you have at the moment is a good story. With a fresh coat of polish and with some buffing up of the description and emotional impact here and there, you very easily have a great story.
i agree with the earlier statements. kinda rushed, and some spelling and punctuation errors. past that, i'm going to be watching this, since i'm interested to see where this goes.
excellent idea, a good fresh take on something that everybody on the site has done. You just need to work on your execution, try re-reading through it again and you'll probably find a few, and try to use a good word processor (Google doc, or drive, whatever it's being called now will be your best bet probably)
as for this being a first story, good job, I'm hoping we'll start seeing more from ya(and like everything, writing improves with time, don't get frustrated if things don't go 100% all the time for ya)
If ya need help with anything (short of editing, I'm in and out so much do to work that I wouldn't be consistent enough to be much use) feel free to ask
FIRST! Aside from some minor grammar issues it's a good start.
What just happened ? Other than this, that could be the start of a great story.
Followed and fc02.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2013/357/9/7/hoof_up_by_comeha-d6z0jqb.png
This seems like it is going to be very interesting. Keep it up! Just remember to proofread before submitting.
Dreaming, time travel, or alternate universe place your bets now.
Also great first chapter I really enjoyed it.
3754972
AU! i say AU! *places fifty bits on the table* It has to be AU, otherwise they wouldn't be like 'Oh you're back from Aunt Celly?' i mean if it were time travel, how'd the kids come into existence? from my knowledge (aka what they say in here) it doesn't seem like they've had sex, especially ina way that'd make them have kids. I mean it COULD be a dream.... ina weird way...
Seems really interesting... Eager to see more!
Hmmm.........uhh........ .....
What was i doing again? Oh right! Great fic so far
The idea is gold and I like it a lot. Seriously. You have yourself a story with a ton of potential.
However, you REEEAALLY need to work on your sentence structure, use of punctuation, and tense shifts. Also, this feels incredibly rushed. This chapter should have had more time between events to let important data sink in to the readers mind. Some of your descriptions could use a little polishing as well. Not to mention the typos that were present throughout the whole thing.
Do not let this discourage you, however! This comment is in no way meant to be taken as a "You should stop and not continue" type of thing, because that is the opposite of what I think. All the things I mentioned in the above paragraph are handled through PRACTICE, and I would love nothing more than to see your brilliant idea be given a wonderful story. You've got my attention, and I intend to follow this story through to its completion. I look forward to watching you develop your writing!
3754972
I guess it's a vision of some kind. During that, Twilight learns to love Rainbow and sees how wonderful it is to spend time with her. And in the end she gets back to the woods and sweeps Rainbow off her hooves. Something like that.
3755911 Thanks I'll definitely take your advise into consideration. I was planing on getting an editor and a proofreader for the rest of the chapters so I hope that will help.
Sorry not sorry.
This has got some serious potential. I don't think I've seen anything like this crop up yet in TwiDash, and it's really good to see something new with a fresh take on the pairing. I'm more than intrigued for a funny, fluffy, and funtastic story here.
That being said, I agree wholeheartedly with Vert up there. You may want to slow down in the writing here, give us readers (and Twilight) some time to let everything sink in. An editor can really help plow through those little grammatical errors and typos that pop up every now and then, but if you can, find an editor who can try and help you smooth over the dialogue, pacing, and description of the story here.
What you have at the moment is a good story. With a fresh coat of polish and with some buffing up of the description and emotional impact here and there, you very easily have a great story.
Very interesting story, the chapter feels a bit rushed, and with few grammar errors, otherwise is a great start for a fic.
i agree with the earlier statements. kinda rushed, and some spelling and punctuation errors. past that, i'm going to be watching this, since i'm interested to see where this goes.
Going to watch this...but not like it yet. It has potential.
excellent idea, a good fresh take on something that everybody on the site has done. You just need to work on your execution, try re-reading through it again and you'll probably find a few, and try to use a good word processor (Google doc, or drive, whatever it's being called now will be your best bet probably)
as for this being a first story, good job, I'm hoping we'll start seeing more from ya(and like everything, writing improves with time, don't get frustrated if things don't go 100% all the time for ya)
If ya need help with anything (short of editing, I'm in and out so much do to work that I wouldn't be consistent enough to be much use) feel free to ask
everypony are nearly being gay. that just turned me off to this story
I think you need an editor... or two... maybe three...