Chapter 3
The secret life of shining armor
As shining and Cadance were waiting for their train cart to arrive at the dock, Cadance was telling shining about her favorite memories as a foal, most of which involved her old foal-sitting job.
“…and he fell of the swing somehow but his thick skull helped with his lack of damages. I’m still wondering how he did it. He was straped in a child safety swing and he fell off. Eh, I guess we may never know.” Said Cadance “so what was your favorite foal-hood memory?”
“Well, that would have to be when twilight got stuck up a tree for nightmare night when she was 2. I still don’t know how she did it. But it took 3 royal guards 4 bystanders and 6 fire ponies to get her down.” Shining laughed “ha, it was pretty funny, seeing as she was dressed as daring do. Even then she managed to collect at least 5 times the candy I did.” ‘Still mad that she was a lot more efficient than me as a freaking FILLY!’
*knock* there was a knock at the door to their private car. “I wonder who it is?” said Cadance as she started for the door. Shining stopped her “I'll get it. You sit towards the back of the car.” Shining opened the door to see one of Lunas elite three night guards, Shadow chaser, a unicorn who’s left fore leg was made of pure shadow.
“Hello sir, the princess asked us to be your guard for your honeymoon, Dragon is going to guard you from behind, I’ll be guarding your room and using a spell to check your food for poison, and RC will be above you till the night when he and dragon will go to bed.” Shade said”oh and if you need anything for one of your sets just call RC. He is a master of bass mixes to shake all tem wubs.” She left the room with a dumbfounded Cadance and shining.
“How did she…?” began Cadance, as she began to regain her wits about what just happened. “I just don’t know. My only guess is that she and the guard have been using the shadows to listen to us.” Shining was still puzzled as he responded. Suddenly from the shadows behind him he heard a voice, “I apologize for listening in but I can’t control what I hear from the shadows. My name is Rain chaser, please call me RC and if ya need a swift rescue or escape just call me. I’ll take you from there and defend you from the hive and from the hoard. Oh and vinyl, wanna do a surprise beat for some traveling music?” said RC.
“Let's do it. Time for this trip to get bassed.” Said vinyl after shining changed. “Let's get started!” ”got it boss!”Said RC as he started the beat
[youtube=www.youtube.com/watch?v=QKNAT-1hQNE]
“Excuse me passengers, the train will be reaching the dock in approximately 5 minutes. Pleas locate your cargo and be ready to depart from the train” said the train conductor through the speaker.
“Time to wrap this up then, ready?*RC nods*DROP THISS SHIST!!!!!” wub wub wub wub wub wuwuwuwuwb! Said and played Vinyl. As the train reached the station and they were about to depart shining decided to say something to his wife.”I think RC is a changling.”
Well now, that was a shitstorm and a half.
Armor is Vinyl? How he'd go about changing his Cutie Mark, mane style, getting the glasses, changing his tail, and altogether his voice into something more feminine is a total mystery to me.
Would this story explain such a thing? Maybe?
Oh my god, that was bad. Just really, really disgustingly bad. You... Never write another story. Please. I'm on my fucking knees begging you: Never write another story.
3905853
Now why go and tell him that, and deprive him a chance to improve, eh? Honestly.
Let's not be dicks here; there's loads of worse stories on this site, and most of them were purposely written that way. It's filled with grammar errors and spelling mistakes, but it could be worse. It could be about Vinyl getting off while shitting herself.
3905867
Agreeable, but why not have fun and do some editing in the comments? Doesn't take too long. Five minutes and two paragraphs.
3905891
You operate under the assumption that this story was written as badfic for the purpose of being badfic. I really don't think it is. And as for scat-fetish pornography, most of those are more well-written than this. Don't knock it till you've tried it, is what I'm saying.
And as for a personal opinion, let's start from the start. I'd just be parroting by repeating the grammar and spelling problem.
Let's go to your plot, shall we? This plot, right from the intro, has quite a few holes in it. It doesn't have a proper buildup to the story.
You mention that someone had been preparing for a long time for a gig, and immediately reveal the transformation. Where's the shock or surprise? Why didn't anyone else notice what had happened? Did Shining already look like that? Are him and Vinyl so impossible to separate in looks that no one noticed him change?
The transformation concept itself is intriguing... if a little unbelievable. I'd dig it more if this dual personality shifting thing was done a little less subtley, and involved a lot of back and forth between Vinyl and Shining. Because honestly, I think he'd be freaking out in the second chapter.
"Oh, I'm a mare now. How intriguing. Yes." *Bubble pipe.*
You're lacking a lot of feeling in the story. Two chapters flew by in a thousand words, and I'm not really... feeling anything from it. Oh, he's a mare now. Cool. Now what?
You're letting the premise do the work without much done on your part. Here's what I suggest you do: take this story into your head, and start at the beginning. Start with the intro. Lean back in your chair and stare at the ceiling, and start imagining said intro. Picture the scene around you while Shining talks to you.
You notice things, right? Cracks in the walls, the nice flooring, the warm quality of the paint, the crackle of the fire to your right as a gentle breeze comes in through an irresponsibly-left-open window to your left. There's tea on the stove gently gurgling away as you prepare to listen to a quaint story from a friend. The appartment hadn't been properly cleaned up, so there's still a few tins of soda and beer on the counter, and dinner hadn't been cleared up before you got there. The smell of glorious dinner drifts on the air around you, making it kinda hard to focus on the stallion as he starts to tell his tale.
But, with some manner of mild interest, you manage to close your mind off the sounds around you and focus on the stallion. This doesn't mean the room is suddenly gone, and it's just you and him in the universe. There's always something going on besides what the characters are focusing on, and that's what gives life and breadth to your world.
It's the 'show vs. tell' example of looking through a window at a field, versus being in that field yourself. Which is more interesting to you? Looking at the swaying field under the sun through a window, having someone tell you about how it feels? Or actually being out there, feeling the tall grass around your legs as you go for a stroll, enjoying the sun's heat on your back? I'd say the latter would be better if you ask me.
So go back over this story, and give it some feeling. Don't be afraid to write for hours, because that's a good thing, writing for a long time. It means you're putting your soul into the story. Don't give up just because a lot of people say you make mistakes, but also don't make excuses for mistakes you could very well have caused. I know friends suffering from mental illnesses who write better than I ever could, and all it takes is a good idea and a little bit of thought to make a story really soar.
And I'd say this concept could really soar. You just have to work at it.
3905908
I have tried it, and I regret ever looking at it.
All I'm saying is this ain't as bad as one purposely done badly. Seriously, what kind of stories have you read before this one? If this seriously made you curl up and cry, then you've got a lot to learn, my friend. There is far worse material out there that is, honestly, written with such technical accuracy that I'm surprised they don't write novels for a living.
This is miles better reading material than some of the other shit I've seen.
3905899
Hey, neither am I. I just re-write stuff because I'm bored and it's fun. That's really all there is to it.
3905918 You know what? You're right. You are absolutely right. This story could soar. All he needs is an experienced editor, a patient proofreader, Rosetta Stone English, and another author.
Sometimes it's better to jump ship, is what I'm saying.
3905930
Wish I could say the same, honestly. Writing's ebbed off for me. It's getting easier to get motivated, though, so I should be back up to full speed soon.
3905931
And miss out on this? Bah. But you go ahead and jump ship. I'm just gonna look at this and say this.
"Spelling mistakes, grammar mistakes, plot holes? Ain't the worst. Far from the best, but it ain't the worst. Severely needs improvement."
Also, real cheeky of ya on that list of requirements. Clever.
Oh, and this. Sometimes, it may be better to jump ship... but scaring off authors ain't quite the smartest move in the book.
3905934 What can I say, I'm a real bastard sometimes. Good luck. If you make this story good, then you might just be the best person on the website.
3905949
I may take this concept for a spin someday, but sadly it won't be today. Got too much on my plate as is.
May be fun as a oneshot sometime, though.
3905958 I'll look forward to it.
3905978
Thanks, but my writing's kinda ebbed off in recent months. Trying to get back on the horse, but it's hard to stay motivated at the moment. Still, I may try it. Gonna go record the idea now.
3905985
I know how that can be. Motivation has never exactly been my strong suit for things like this. Still, I do look forward to eventually reading it.
As for you, RainChaserBrony: Look. You need to learn how to properly write if you intend to be taken seriously. If you don't want to, that's fine. But nobody will ever respect you or your stories. I know having an idea but not the skills to actualize it can be really difficult, but unless you want somebody else to ghostwrite for you, you need to develop those skills and the ability to express your idea as a coherent fic. I don't know if you're a troll or not, and if you are then bravo, you got me. But if you aren't, you need to really build up those skills before putting your story up here. Doing so will only get you laughed at and ridiculed. There are plenty of good people on this site who would like to see you become a better writer, and you should take advantage of their help.
Also, never write a story about Vinyl getting herself off while shitting. Seriously.
3906022
Well put, my friend.
Seconded with all the might I can muster.
3906040
I sure hope I am; already got about 50 stories in the works :V.
3905931
Best. Comment. Ever.
i think its a good fic i dont usually pay attention to grammer or whatnot unless its like super bad but its not here so ill thumb up and hope for a new chapter
3906181 thank you. You are one of the few who dont insult my grammar.
3906181