The time Bonbon had to stay at Lyra's place

Lyra & Bon-Bon537 stories ·1,669 members

The time Bonbon had to stay at Lyra's place

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dlazerous

dlazerous #1 · Feb 18th, 2014 · 3 · ·

To be completely honest, I can't give this a thumbs up or a thumbs down because it doesn't deserve either. Your initial premise, "Bonbon needs a place to crash while her place is getting renovated and sexy hijinks ensue at Lyra's place" is a good start, however, you really should elaborate, what happened to the store during the candy eating contest that damaged it? What was that favor Lyra did for Bonbon that would justify the maid outfit and being her servant for the night?

Another thing, it is not always necessary to use the ponies name every time they say or do something, you should try out other identifiers. for example, instead of saying "Lyra" all the time you could use, the mint green unicorn, the musical mare, or combinations of those.

The sex scene, this is the part I had the most trouble with. Almost all women enjoy a little foreplay before getting into the hot and heavy stuff. Just having Lyra dive right on it feels awkward and far to rushed. remember, these mares are in love or at least one is, let them take there time and enjoy each other. If you need to, and if you are comfortable with it, I would suggest going to a few adult sites and watching a few girl on girl videos, try to choose something not involving teenagers, or cheerleaders; go for more mature actors who tend to display a little more sensitivity and emotion.

Please, do not take any of this personally, it took me a long time to develop my writing style without any help and I hope I was able to help you. Don't stop writing, ever.

herafiction

herafiction #2 · Feb 18th, 2014 · 2 · ·

3965041 Thank you for you're constructive criticism. Honestly I see a lot of the problems you see. Especially with the sex scene. I am already re writing the story. And believe me alot of what you said is being implemented. Once again thank you and have a great day.

dlazerous

dlazerous #3 · Feb 18th, 2014 · 2 · ·

3965065 One is glad to be of service.

herafiction

herafiction #4 · Feb 18th, 2014 · 1 · ·

3965143 Im just glad you're polite.

AriinPHD

AriinPHD #5 · Feb 18th, 2014 · 1 · ·

I simply love the positive critique given and am thrilled to know you are re-writing this! Added to my "Read later" list because I - too - feel it's too early to vote on the story as it is today (especially after learning you're re-writing it). Although I'm anxious to read the revised story I hope you don't rush it. ^_~ Best of luck!!

herafiction