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Madness For A Day

When a wild Togepi wanders itself into Ponyville it realizes it's residents are fun to toy with.

Will the civilians of ponyville be able to deal with the small egg creature?

Chapters (2)

Comments ( 3 )

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8542Madness

8542Madness #1 · Feb 18th, 2014 · 1 · · Bow Down To The Egg! ·

I like the idea for the story. It has potential for sure. However, the potential it has is buried beneath a poor execution. The grammar in the story is not unbearable, but it is an eyesore. The grammar issue is especially notable in the first few paragraphs. A lot of the issues are relatively easy to fix, like the apostrophes used for plural nouns and comma placement. Some of the other issues will need a bit more work.

The biggest problem in the story is the execution of dialogue. The sentences do convey the intent of the characters, but they lack a flow to them. The speech is disjointed and awkward while not really making sense in some cases. A simple rephrasing can fix some of these, but others may require a bit more of a do-over.

Overall, the best advice I can give you is to try reading this aloud. Often times simply hearing it can help you realize which sections need revision and which parts are okay.

Good luck on the rest of the story. I'm curious to see how it will turn out.

Warampharos