Some people are morning birds, other people are night owls. Me? I'm some sort of permanently exhausted pigeon.
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Hi! I'm Nick and I'm a human I somehow turned into a pony. But worst of all, I am a filly! This is awful! And on top of that, I am being threatened by Princess Luna, chased by the cutie mark crusaders, and Fluttershy hates me. Things can't get any worse, right? Enjoy the terrible cover art I made.
Constructive criticism is greatly appreciated. Feel free to point out any errors you see.
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Not bad; I'll have to keep an eye on this one and see how it develops.
The rules concerning when to use numerals instead of writing out numbers are different depending on who ("whom" is dying out, don't give me that nonsense) you ask, but to play it safe: if it can be said as one word, spell it out. There are exceptions, of course, but it's easy enough to follow.
Needs to describe more about the surroundings at ***** also to describe the individual characterstics of each filly beyond "crazy hair, large ears, etc." Also describe the situation Nick is in, where she woke up, and maybe hint at how she got here. Like they're in a crater or something. Or she's at the base of an old oak with mystical significance. Or there's some madpony running away cackling at the top of his lungs. Answer questions that someone would have if they were reading your story up to that point. If you don't know any answers, and you're just writing a story so Nick gets to be a little filly and introduced to each of the main cast, then just answer randomly, so you'll have plot points later when you want them. But don't leave it so bare.
when they ask for information of were from "she" could always says she from a place with many other species then just ponies living together in a community if they ask were "she" could just say moved a lot so no great memory of the name of place's and location all the time or when they ask why "she" says her strange terms like everybody or other human term "she" just say force of habit side there not that strange and alien there more neutral to include other species then pony terms it not a big deal anyway side question is why would he proclaim his species at all? if you can't prove it without being labeled insane or deranged but worse adult not taking you serious and complimented on "her" wild imagination.
in the prolong you said luna gonna threaten this adult in a weak child body in a helpless situation with gender confusing moral crisis and culture shock sounds kind of... cruel odd don't they have better things to do and more serious issues and bigger more dangerous threats then are one individual?
plus im curious to the build up of fluttershy hating "her" and meat and hating nature and certain animals better not be the answer I hope it a big situation that lead to something were are main character make an honest bad choice mistake with consequence.
4170773 Oops, I always forget about that. Thanks for pointing that out!
4170938 I'm definitely going back and adding more to the surroundings and the characters, but I'm going to do more explaining as to how Nick ended up as a filly later in the story.
It is a nice start. I will wait a few more chapters before I decide on like of dislike, but it's looking closer to like atm.
4175237 Thanks!
I do have a question though. I am assuming the picture for the cover art is supposed to be Nick/Berry since you mentioned a blue-green body. In chapter two however, you had her complaining about not being a unicorn. Is she a unicorn, and just not noticed the horn on her head sticking out? Or, is the picture just in error?
4175334 Picture error, dangit. Wow, how did I not notice that?
4175339
Should be easy to fix, even in ms paint. It looks like the horn is within the hair. So, just use the color match dropper thing and then scribble over the horn and resave.
Cool start I noticed a few mistakes like that they use saddle bags, not backpacks, but still I guess through his perspective he would consider them backpacks. Nothing else just something I noticed.
One more thing:
If you're lookin' for an editor I'm open.
4175435 too late, I just redesigned the whole thing
4175477 I do need an editor. I'll let you know if I want you to look over a chapter before I post it.
4175545 Lol wow
4173928
No problem. Thanks for considering me!
Very well, another good chapter
Anything you need to ask, go ahead.
MAOOORRRR
New chapter?
4186555 Yes, I'll have one eventually. I haven't been updating because I very recently got a severe concussion. I've just started getting my long term memory back, but I can't write because I still have serious short term memory loss, not to mention I'm extremely irritated and tired, and my mood leaks into my writing. On top of that, I'm really busy. until Monday, I have to perform in a figure skating show thingy. It really lowers my self esteem because I'm skating alongside people who competed in the winter Olympics. So... yeah.
Congrats on the skating part, sorry to hear about the concussion. Well good luck to you and (Because I've always wanted to do this)
MAY THE ODDS, BE EVER, IN YOUR FAVOR
4173928.
any news?
4210297 As of now, I have typed 1,909 words of chaper 4. Will either be published tonight or tomorrow, depending on how soo n i can finish my sketch for deviantart.
That's great if you need a prereader or anything just ask
4214031 kk
4270173 I just might. But right now, I'm going to delete this comment thread because its really long.
YAY OATMEAL!!!
I guess one question Nick should have asked is whether Ditzy is expecting him, but I can understand him being too ticked-off to think of it.
Another one would have been to say that should he fail this task he'd have nothing to loose & could pretty much tell everypony the truth about his situation & Luna's part in it, but I suspect that saying that would have just made things worse & it's always possible that Luna isn't acting alone & does have the power to back up her threat.
4272004 He does have something to loose. Princess Luna told him that if he fails to complete the tasks, he will never be able to get out of Equestria and be human again.
4272396
That's what I meant. If he fails, he'll have nothing left to lose & can do whatever he wants, such as seeking the help of Twilight & Princess Celestia, though it's possible they won't believe him I suppose.
Hopefully it won't come up & Nick will succeed, but I still wonder what could drive Luna to such a course of action in the first place, & whether anyone else knows what she's doing.
Welp, total violation of rights and enslavement. Can't read anymore it's way too dark for me.
4273537 Not really dark, but I see what you mean.
4273537 However, its no more a violation of rights and enslavement when a parent tells you to clean your room or else you'll be grounded.
4273616 More like someone from across the world brought you to their country, put you through extensive plastic surgery so you don't look like yourself in any way and told you to pretend to be a citizen of this country you only heard stories of or else you will never see your homeland again while not giving a reason. If this happend to me i wouldn't be ok with it.
4273690 I see your point.
4271949 Oatmeal? Are you crazy!?
4276847 LOL pinkie reference
Because Angel made her terribly upset, you let Fluttershy get hurt, then watched her walk out the door without saying a word.
That poor Filly is going to starve to death!
4481665 So thats what the fox says!!
4483911 *does horrible things to my eyes with brillow pads, trying to unsee what was typed...*
HAHAHAHAHA Awesome, Angel 1 human 0
Angel can be so wonderfully mean
Time to plot some bunny homocide.
4483992. Lol
4663386 Will hopefully post more after I finish editing something for a friend.
EDIT: I procrastinate a lot.
4663594
(The Yays have been doubled!)
The first chapter is decent for a HiE, or for any story. You did have some dialog errors, but after spending hours upon countless hours on this site, I don't mind them that much. Another topic, the first sentence has an error in it too. You use "alright", when it should be "all right". "Alright" should never be used if you're trying to be grammatically correct. Now if the mane character doesn't care about grammar and if it's from first person, like it is, then the "alright" would kind of be correct. But, on the other hoof, I'm guessing this is a self-insert (just taking shots in the dark), since most HiE's are self-inserts. If it is, then I'm guessing you, even as a character, would care about grammar, so I'd go with "all right" in this situation.
Like Lab mentioned before, this should be written as "ninth" instead of the "9th" you have. Mainly because, like the number you used to have, it can easily be made into a word. If it was 1258th, then the number would be okay.
I've also noticed that when you want to draw out a word, YOU PUT IT IN ALL CAPS LIKE I'M DOING HERE. Don't do that. Make it in italics. I know that if you're writing this in Microsoft Word, you don't have to use the [i ] [/ i] thing, but the ALL CAPS would be incorrect.
Now, I'm going to read on and see where you go with this story. And once I've read the most recently added chapter, I'll give my full, honest opinion on it. Oh, and what's with the sudden OCs? I expected one of the mane six or at least a background pony to find him... or her... that's confusing.
4771058 Wow, thanks for the feedback. That's probably the most helpful comment I've every gotten for this story. I'll definitely take some of the things you said into consideration.
And this is not a self-insert at all. I'm not even a guy. The number thing was something I hadn't learned in school yet at the time of writing it.
The ALL CAPS INSTEAD OF ITALICS are just out of habit. I do all of my writing with pencil and paper, and it's hard for me to write in italics with a pencil. I wish I had microsoft word though, it would make school so much easier.
And finally, about the OC's: I'm really bad with characterization. As you can see in the upcoming chapters where I introduce Fluttershy, she's really out of character. I just decided to take the easy way out when I started writing this. (I'm lazy
)