Some asshole who will write stories that are the opposite of the common take of the subject. And who also says "mate" a lot.
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As I sit on this branch, looking at the town through the mangled, black branches, I began thinking about why I came here. About everything I left behind on Earth.
I wish I'd never have come here...
Consider joining the Ending-verse if you liked it!
This story has been redone. Also, A brilliant lad called Vlad decided to write a sequel. I seriously recommend reading that and following him.
Also, there's a prequel in the works!
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4291532
That's the goal, mate.
I'll give you a hug though.
hrm... while i do like the fact you changed the ending to one where he actually died, I think the majority of your audience(or just me i guess) was drawn here because they wanted to see how the mane 6 (or the ponies in general) would react to the fact that they drove a human to kill himself. but since you said you wont expand upon this anymore, my mind is kinda just going in all directions thinking about how Applejack may be the only pony with even remotely any care for him dying, or that Celestia would interrogate Twi about what the hell she did(or in this case, did not do) to cause this.
But alas, I'm too terrible a writer to try it for myself and you said that this is the end.
So hats off to ya for this very new idea, I just wish i could see what happened after.
4291639
Mate, I'm a terrible writer. I'm sure you're better than I am. Give it a shot!
I'm with you bro, I want, no, I need to know what happen after he died 4291639
4291737
You'll never find out.
BWAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA
4291663
Dude, I'm so Asian that i fail english class almost every time with grammatical errors alone, it takes me like 3-5 minutes to write even something like this response.
Actually, you think FiM fic would accept non english fics?
4291862
I'm not entirely sure, but I do think they might accept non-English.
I love your wording, by the way. " I'm so Asian" is the best thing I've heard. Ever.
4291884
Before it gets to that point, I need to admit that its more because I'm absolutely terrified of putting anything of mine up, and if anything I did somehow got posted here, my response would be similar to Fluttershy's in "Filli Vanilli"
Blonde, you should mention this is a rewrite, put it in the chapter title to attract old readers if they look in again at the story front page, or mention it in the description for new readers so they understand fully of why the rewrite. Maybe also push the old versions into different chapters to preserve the comments for reference.
Better than the other, if just for the humour of seeing every door being slammed in the human's face when he tries to connect with people in a short montage. And for all the people who complained last time, Twilight saying "I dealt with enough humans" is more of a one off joke thing, like the rest of the characters, it's a bait and switch, Equestria is not at all like the Brony expected. OOC moments are the point. Might make it more obvious if you make it sound like Celestia is dumping the human in the middle of fucking-no-where that is called Ponyville since she doesn't care/is disgusted by him. Initially start off with it so it isn't such a shock, and have it ignored by the cheerful idiot Human for laughs.
And the 3 year gap leaves a lot to be desired. What did he do? I mean, was he educated or go to college when on Earth? Why not make it so he tried to share Human innovation and inventions but failed because he is an idiot at technology or something? (Humourously of course, maybe a quick mention of all his failed attempts in rapid succession?) Hell, why not even make him try to be a evil wizard or something and he completely failed at that too? 3 years of cave living isn't enough, more details in passing maybe if you want to bump up the dark humour and depression! I don't think a real person would just give up like that, give him an image of a once hopeful person (after being shunned) and then crust it with a cynical depressed bastard in the final paragraphs. Unless you want to detail the decline inbetween, I say a contrast is better.
Lyra mention (Yay Lyra!) was a little out of sync, you talked about all the main characters of the show and then swap to one single support character? Why not mention even Derpy shunning him or being abusive towards him? Mention some others too since 1 is not enough and 2 is too low.
Now, the only parts I didn't like were the beginning and the new-ish ending... Ok, the start was a little disturbing. I don't think this guy is well in the head. Going into a different world without planning, forever leaving loved ones while he also told them he was going to leave! Plus the fact it brings up the whole moral and ethics bit about "Are the fictional worlds real? Or are they parallel worlds? Does writing them here on Earth create the world? Or did it always exist and the writer was influenced to write about the world by outside forces? Are they bound by the laws of narration and hence they are warped abominations of a world formed by puppet masters and fake non-detailed surroundings and undeveloped characters?" Just, too much detail! Make it a mystery of how he got here, don't explain it, just mention he was trilled to be here with his cartoon friends and leave it at that.
Now the ending... was good. But not to the rest of the piece. It was quick, too quick. No build up, just "I'm depressed after the last 3 years, here is the plan, got a noose on my neck, WTF Applejack?, Fuck you!, DEAD."
I would give you an idea of how to make the ending better in my opinion but my opinions are worth fuck all. It's your story, I just shouting my own idea of perfection at you when I don't even know what I want. Maybe you can finding something worthwhile in my comment.
4291913
I never saw that episode...
Anyways, I have a story for you.
This ain't my first account. It's like my fifth. On my first account, I was scared in the same way you're saying you are. But I posted. People liked it. I'm positive it's gonna be the same way with you.
So inspirational
4291926
Everything you said...is what I needed.
I've already said that I don't plan on doing anything with this story any more, but you can be damn sure I'm gonna use your advice in future stories.
I like you. A lot.
4291957 Well I'm going to do something I normally don't do, and that is follow someone, in this case you. That is if you write more in the future, I will like to see how you improve, might even show how I can improve, since I can't follow my own advice (since I never put pen to paper.)
4292046
And for that, good sir, I shall follow you.
man it really need an epilogue to see the ponies reaction to his actions
4292093
You won't get one, sorry to disappoint.
one can dream always dream
4291862 well write it in your natural language and use google translate, then fix the flaws and bam
I nominate we start the ending-verse
Hmm...A quick read. A little rushed, but otherwise...I have no complaints. I like it.
Oh, and by the way: I'm gonna try to write a sequel. I will credit you, and it will be glorious.
Thought you aught to know.
4292713
I'll be watching out for it, mate.
4294040 It's nowhere near done, but here's the link to what I have so far.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ObW3VcGVnUMf8aTKdUcjD7QhE5yggJvWBQIL8a8lQXo/edit?usp=sharing
4295512
I just read that, and I have to say...
That was amazing.
You ought to post that on here.
4295547 I just did. Awaiting approval.
And yes, you are credited with the idea.
nice
4292093 Gee, if only we had something like that.
4302568
no need to be whole new chapter just an a few more lines of text would do, btw nice work on the sequel
Very great one shot, you have my applause
And you provided an excellent foundation for Vlad to write his sequel.
Did you rewrite this? I'm pretty sure i read it a couple of days ago where it also included pinkie, and where it ended with them walking off with him and him "crossing his fingers" when he promised not to do it again. Or was that another fic?
Rather short and undeveloped, but the underlying story was still there.
Well done!
4303226
Yeah, it's been redone. Read the description, mate.
I expected lots of angst and shit. But this was pretty well done.
4305332
Thanks, mate.
Man...I'm sorta inspired to write something based off of this aswell. All sorts of interesting questions raised up here.
4307237
I just started writing a prequel to this, but if you want to start writing something, I won't stop you.
Good luck to ya!
4303177
I just started writing a prequel, so you're gonna get a story, mate.
4307260
A prequel? Well....ahhh....I think I may know where you'd go with that.
4307327
Oh, do tell, sir.
Seriously, I have no idea what you mean. Please tell me.
4307342
Hopefully I'm not revealing a potential future spoiler here. ^^
I don't see what else you could do with Jason, but seeing as he wasn't the first to use a portal, my theory is that you'll go into the previous portal users (And what they did to enrage the populace).
4307444
Ah!
Incorrect.
I WILL go into a little detail about it, but not too, too much.
Plus, you have to remember that this is an Alternate Universe setting. The populace wasn't angry because of other people, they're just xenophobic and hateful.
4307471
Damn, thought I'd nailed it.
On the plus side, that little concept is now perhaps free for me to use in my idea... uhhhh I mean...looking forward to the prequel!
4307501
I actually want to see what you have in store, mate. So, again, good luck to ya!
I feel no sympathy because I'm a jackass, but great story!
4307798
I rarely have any feelings other than complete apathy, but thanks!
4292575
I need a banner image, but I just created a group for it.
Jason Wright is my name! It's my name! O.o
4307978
Shit, really?
Congratulations! You commit suicide in Equestria!
4307918 cool!
The Mane six are real assholes, makes me wan't to punt one of them.
That is one heck of a sentence in a HiE fic. I know it's supposed to be serious but Celestia dammit, I just laughted spilling my coke.
Basically this depicts how ponies would be if they were racist... but I wouldn't go as far as eating out of a trashcan, live like a caveman and all that stuff. There is forests nearby to hunt in, even if dangerous. Then if I won't get food from the ponies, I'll just find myself a lake and go fishing. And if they still are racist after that, and drive me off the lake, well there is always the griffins to turn to, or I can just go back to Canterlot, tell Celestia what little racist dicks her little subject where, bet she can give them a stern talking.
Or what about Zecora? She was an outcast herself, seen as a witch and whatnot, until Twilight and her friends were tought a very VERY VERY important lesson on not judging a book by it's cover. She could give you shelter pronto, even help the ponies to accept the human.
But honestly, while it's a good try to show a 'racist' equestria here, it could never happen if the equestrians resemble the canon's originals.
Fluttershy might faint yes, even a few times maybe, but if you approach her carefully and compassionate enough, that is with words of reassurance, she'd apologize and come out of her shell evantually. She is the virtue of kindness after all... Makes me wonder why the human in this story never carried Fluttershy in her home when she fainted, trying to wake her up on the couch or something.
I mean really, Fluttershy befriended Discord, she can manage a human who isn't giving any indications of hostality, especially if he tries to be polite, gentle and sympathetic.
Aside from that: generosity kicking someone out? Laughter avoiding to make new friends? God grace sir, did a terrorist visit ponyville before to leave an impression?
And don't tell me to read the sequels that someone else made, which was written to explain things, those are their ideas.
Anyway, it's as if the elements of harmony are none-existent here. Laughter avoids human, generosity despises human, honesty hates human, kindness fears human, and loyalty abandons human? Sheesh If I was there, I'd rather be worried about Discord being on the lose again, tryin' to drive everypony looney.
feel guilty of causing death, just because she fainted on them? That's ignorant and selfish. What did the mane 6 do to him that's reason enough to justify his sacrifice to accuse them? Applejack chased him off the farm, Twilight banged the door in his face, without injuring him, Fluttershy just fainted on him and I suppose Rarity kicking someone out of the boutique didn't even involve her actually injuring him either, Rainbow is known for being a prankster and he was searching for hear anyway, and Pinkie just avoided him.
Nevertheless Applejack still came back, trying to prevent his suicide, which means she had to have a change of heart. But then the human doesn't even realize that change of heart and goes all cranky on her?
"You all drove me to this suicide, because you didn't give me fish, oh and I'm a caveman now", sorry but that is just... weak, not to mention plain stupid. He wasn't mentally and physically tormented by the ponies or anything, just mistreated and intollerated.
It's also pretty ugly to let his suicide be a blame-symbol for all the ponies, honestly what kind of fan/brony, would want to make poor Fluttershy
While all of this does go against any virtue they represent... Did they actively bully him? NO! Did they actively physically hurt him? NO! They just wanted to avoid him... except Rainbow Dash, but everyone knows how jerky she can be.
All in all, this stoy is just an idea and while very unlikely is not entirely impossible (multiverse and whatnot). But it is very unsatisfactory since you have not given any explonation, not even a hint, why the friggin' mane 6 aka Elements of Harmony, the virtues of equestria basically, acted the way they did.
... suiciding to blame poor Fluttershy
, sry but that goes against any of my principals.