There's nothing I like more than the feeling of flying. The wind whipping your mane backwards, the speed of the ground moving below you, and of course, there's the thunderous applause of the adoring crowd of fanmares. And we were on an Equestria Tour, so every day there was a new city, a new crowd, new tricks, new awesomeness! Me, Spitfire and Fleetfoot were flying at full speed towards our next show. Finally we had picked up enough speed for our storm-cloud trail to fire up. The next town we were hitting had come into view; Appleoosa. I looked at my teammates and nodded. Spitfire was in the middle, and would be the first to enter. I was right wing, Fleetfoot took left. We would fly in the sides of the arena next, followed by other Wonderbolts.
"You ready?" Spitfire asked us.
"As pumped as always!" I replied.
"Roger that," I heard Fleetfoot's voice.
Spitfire picked up speed and flew towards the town, while I branched out to the right and began to loop out towards the main centre of the town for my big appearance. I noticed a house that dotted the outskirts of town, about half a mile out. I could slightly see the silhouette of a pony working inside.
Weird, I thought.
Must be some loner or something.
I brushed the thought off to the side and began to angle towards the small town.
Meanwhile below...
"C'mon, Salmon Hide!" a filly moaned.
"Hold the bat right already!"
"Uhm truhyun!" said the pink filly named Salmon Hide.
The mare staggered around, struggling to hold a baseball bat in her mouth.
"Ready?"
"Ah gesh..."
Salmon's friend threw the baseball and Salmon took an aimless swing. With a crack, the ball flew at a wacky angle.
Salmon sighed an apology, but her friend just shook her head and started rambling bout how now Salmon owed her a new ball.
What they didn't notice was the ball shattering the flight glasses of a Pegasus flying above...
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I felt the ball hit my face. I heard my flight glasses shatter. I saw nothing. With the wind cutting across my face and no flight glasses, I was a blind pony. I felt myself start to spiral down. I screamed, and heard ponies gasping. I heard a cry of terror that was not my own, and then pain flew through my body. My ears started to ring, but the sound faded quickly. And i was tired...so...tired...
All I wanted to do was sleep...
Sleep...
Okay, now that I don't have a baby in my arms screaming for food, I can comment on this.
When swapping between first person and third person, it is a good idea to have a divider: the Meanwhile Below isn't really a great divider. You use one when you swap from Salmon Hide back to Soarin's POV, but not when you first move from Soarin's POV.
On the divider, I suggest using something like [center]SOMECHARACTER[/center]; for example, in my stories I use the cyrillic character zhe (Ж), mostly cause I like it asthetically. It doesn't have to be that exactly, heck, you can even use a [hr] if you want. Using a bunch of hyphens though, well, the problem with that is while it might look right on your screen, if someone has the font size up larger (an old fart like myself has to, if I want to read) you get the divider spilling over onto a second line. As seen here:
i.imgur.com/2zICUgD.png?1
I would also suggest seeing if you can find a pre-reader. There are no real glaring issues I can see here, you're a fair bit better than a lot of authors on here, but you will get grammar crazies who will moan that you use three periods (...) rather than an elipses (…), and so on.
Will be keeping an eye on this because I SoarBurn so much.
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Day 425, Still waiting for my fellow Perth Auzzie to finish that damn boy highschool story...
Ball to the face... Ow... I know all too well how that feels....