I'd Rather Die--Chapter One
"Ugh..."
When I woke up, my surroundings were blurry. I blinked a few times and saw...broken wood? Rubble?
"H-Howdy!" I heard a shaky voice say.
"Y-You're awake..."
"Where...what..." I started to stammer. It all came into focus. In front of me was a creamy yellow stallion with a long, golden mane. I noticed he kept glancing up at the ceiling, nervously.
"Y'crashed in here a coupla hours ago," the colt said.
"Completely destroyed mah here home. Luck'ly, ah was able t'pull ya under this here table b'fore anything bad happened to the either of us. It's a sturdy table, but ah don't know how longer it'll hold up...hopef'lly ponies 'll be lookin' fer us soon, b'cause ah don't know if it'll be able to hold up much longer..."
This pony...this weird pony...saved my life? But why? If he had just left me, he probably could have escaped and gotten out OK...but instead he saved me...? The pony tried to look up more, but gave a yelp of pain through clenched teeth and quickly stuck it back down.
"Mah hind legs...they're stuck under this here debris...prah'bly broken...
This pony that had come out of nowhere to save my life, he broke his legs in order to save my life? I would have left him...unless he was a Wonderbolt...or Rainbow Dash...or my parents...well, it depends on who it was...but still...
I tried to sit up, but I couldn't move. At all. I just lay there, completely petrified. And whenever I tried to move, but immense pain shot through my entire body. I screamed. The other pony closed his eyes and sighed.
"Ah'm pretty sure...yer spine...ah think it was busted..."
"WHAT!?!?" I screamed.
I tried to get up, spread my wings, fly away, away from here, back to my normal life, back to the tour, away from this pain. But I couldn't it just sent more pain ripping through my body. Not a single muscle moved. My screams turned into sobs. I would never fly again. Flying...the thing I loved more than anything...never again would I be able to fly. What did I ever do to deserve this? I had done some pretty bad things in my life...but...that didn't mean...my life deserved to be...ruined...
"...Ah'm sorry..." the other stallion spoke up.
Soarin noticed he was starting to cry too.
"Ah tried...t'get you out before anything..happ'ned...but...ah cudhn't...it was too...too late..."
He seemed to feel so guilty. He must have really tried. He tried to get me out of here OK...he tried...
"Name's Braeburn," he said.
"Soarin," I said, weakly.
There was an awkward silence for a few seconds. It was broken by a deafening crack. Braeburn's head shot up, but was quickly pulled back down as he winced in pain.
"The table..." I asked.
All I got was a nod.
My choices: die. Be crushed by tonnes of debris created by me. Or never fly, nevertheless walk again.
I think I'll go with option one.
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May I add this to the male on male group?
4639215
Of course!
4639254 You know,. while not my cup of tea, this pairing is surprisingly common, if you want to find more stories like this I recommend you join our group,where you can get tips and all that.
http://www.fimfiction.net/group/51/mm-shipping
Why does everyone think I'm homosexual? I have had many more Marefriends than you think. I do have a personal life you know.
4639271 Well, over 500 other ponies think you'd go great with soarin, maybe it's the larger than life attittude, your excited voices, or your "Everyone's welcome" comment. As for you, maybe if you didn't wear bright colors, and walked around with that much style, no one would think that (as awful as it sounds).
Though I don't care what other ponies do with their private lifes, what's the name of those special mares? Just curious.
The story? Well, I don't know what to think of it, I have to read it when it's not past four am and I'm sleepy
4639271 Hehe, sorry 'bout that. I ship you with Braeburn, but I also ship you with Rainbow Dash, Rarity, Spitfire, Fleetfoot and Trixie. Don't ask about some of them. SoarBurn is one of the only 3 gay ships i ship.
It was decent, also:
i61.tinypic.com/969oxd.gif
4639294 Hey my jump suit gets all the mares. And with that the mares names are not important (not to mention I was either drunk or high) to even remember. Anyways if its one thing I hate more than a one night stand, its a relationship. Duh. Can't tie this stallion down.
4639415
Suuuuuure they bring, that's almost as much of a truth as the fact that It's a bright idea of my part to annoy a wonderbolt
4639304 What are the other two?
4639314 i love this so much its not even funny
Okay, yeah, finished the second chapter (or the first chapter, I guess, as the last was a prologue.)
Definitely could do with a proofreader, there are a few points in there where you probably should have used an em-dash instead of the ellipses, and there are a few points where you switch from first person perspective to third then back, for no reason. An example:
The red parts are where you have switched from first person to third. As the story, and this chapter, is told through Soarin's viewpoint, it is not likely he would think "the other stallion" because he would not likely reference himself.
The second red part, "Soarin noticed he was starting to cry too"… well, unless he is the Great and Powerful Trixie, he'd likely not reference himself as Soarin. The correct way would be "I noticed the stallion was starting to cry too", as that is still in the correct perspective.
Now, comments on the story itself: Soarin would just leave a civvy and save his own bacon? Wow, for somepony who is a military man, that is pretty cold. Lol. But that is really a minor nitpick.
Interested to see where you take this story, whether it will be a short story of love blooming in a dire situation (perhaps ending with tragedy) or if they will escape and it develops after.
Keep it up, I look forward to reading more.
4661546
Somepony missed that bit about screaming baby in someone arms
But I really do need to finish my older stuff, don't I?
The words in this chapter just don't meet the emotion they want to convay.
Also that must've been a really weak building for it to colaspe like it is, from just something the equivelent of a airway car crash (presuming Soarin's momentum and the downward forces of gravity cause him to remain at the speed he originally traveling, or close to).