Equestria. A land of harmony and balance. Anyone looking out across the vast expanses of the land would have sworn they had just entered paradise. With it's majestic mountains, lush forests, and cheery towns, one could almost say Equestria was simply idyllic. The inhabitants of the land had not known war for millennia, and usually had no problems worse than a grouchy neighbor or an annoying relative. However, 'usually' is the key word there. One only has to observe Equestria for so long before a potentially kingdom-toppling threat rears its ugly head. For example, today's problem decided to take the form of a massive, flaming hulk of metal plummeting from the sky and into Foal Mountain, coming to rest upon the mountain range like the corpse of some great beast. As was the norm, mindless panic set in immediately.
The meteorite had been seen coming down for hundreds of miles around, the colorful, equine citizens of Equestria pointing their hooves upward in terror. Despite being nowhere near the UFO, ponies felt it necessary to gallop through the streets, screaming at the top of their lungs. Others hid, barricading themselves in their homes with the doors barred and curtains drawn. Just west of the crash site, a lone mountain loomed far above the peaks of the Foal Mountain range. At the very summit stood a pair of tall, majestic alicorns, studying the gargantuan foreign object that lay below them. Princesses Celestia and Luna, the royal sisters of Equestria, shared a concerned glance.
"I still don't understand how we didn't feel it. Nothing should be able to get into the planet's orbit without us knowing," Luna said in a worried tone. Celestia nodded, returning her gaze to the smoldering ruin.
"I did not sense it until right before it crashed. I do not think that is because it slipped past us. I think it was because it was not even there before we felt it."
"What do you mean?" asked Luna, giving her sister a confused look.
"I believe it may have been instantly transported here." Celestia returned her gaze to Luna.
"Like teleportation?" asked her younger sister.
"Possibly," answered Celestia. "It is only a theory," Luna pondered the idea for a moment before nodding.
"That would explain why we didn't feel it. But teleported here by whom? And for what purpose?"
"I wish I knew, dear sister." Celestia sighed as she turned back to look at the strange vessel. "I only know that we must find out as soon as possible. I will muster the Guard. Perhaps it would be best if you put the minds of our citizenry at rest."
"Of course, Celestia. Good luck and farewell," responded Luna, and took to the sky with a flap of her wings. Celestia watched her sister disappear into the clouds before she too departed, vanishing with a pop and a flash of golden light. Half a second later, she was outside the barracks of the Canterlot garrison. The guards took a moment to realize who it was who had just materialized in front of them before snapping off a pair of smart salutes.
"At ease, gentlecolts," said Celestia as she walked past them into the barracks. She walked up to the reception desk and eyed the nervous private manning it.
He gave her a salute as she approached. "Y-Your Majesty. Its an honor to have you here. How can I help you?"
"I need to see Major Quick Shot, immediately," she stated firmly, conveying a sense of urgency.
The guard nodded rapidly, scrambling out from behind his desk and galloping off to find the garrison's CO. The princess watched him disappear through the adjacent hallway, questions bubbling forth in her mind. What was she dealing with here? Would there be living creatures there? Would they need help? Would they be a threat to her subjects? She had no way of knowing until the anomalous object was investigated.
The sound of hooves clacking against tile snapped Celestia out of her thoughts. She looked up to see the young private come through, followed closely by an older unicorn clad in golden officer's armor, polished brilliantly, and adorned with a pair of golden oak leaves on his shoulder plates designating his rank. The major knelt into a bow. "How may I be of service, your Majesty?" he asked politely.
"You may rise, Major Shot," Celestia responded, raising her hoof in a beckoning motion as she turned to exit the building. The major got to his hooves and quickly matched his pace with the princess. "I trust you are aware of the situation, and have a response prepared?" Celestia asked, cutting straight to business.
"Yes, your Highness. All of our forces across the nation have been on high alert since the object came down. The Canterlot garrison has a rapid reaction squadron on standby and ready to go. Just waiting for the word."
"Excellent. I knew I could count on you." Major Shot couldn't help but grin a little at his Princess's praise. "Launch your troops immediately. We must investigate the object as soon as possible."
"Understood, your Highness. They will deploy immediately. However, the reaction team will only be able to conduct a cursory sweep. It will take time to organize a more thorough reconnaissance of the area."
Celestia nodded. "I understand, Major. Do whatever you can." She stopped, turning to look at him with a serious gaze. "Please be careful, Quick. We have no idea what we're dealing with here."
Major Shot gave her a short nod. "We'll be ready for whatever's up there, your Highness."
The princess gave him a small but warm smile. "I know you will. Now." She spread her wings, preparing to take flight. "I must help my sister keep our subjects calm. Report back to me when you are finished."
Quick Shot snapped off a last salute as she strode past him. "Of course, your Highness. Good luck."
"You as well, Major. You as well."
With that, Celestia alighted into the air with a single flap of her powerful wings, and quickly shot off into the distance. Major Shot wasted no time watching her depart, trotting straight back into the barracks. The private at the reception desk looked at him with an expectant, almost dreading look in his eyes. "Scramble the reaction team," the major ordered. "We have work to do."
***
Thunder pawed at the floor of the hangar in anticipation. The excitement was palpable, and it filled his body to the brim with energy. He yearned to spread his wings and take to the skies, but his discipline kept him in check. As a captain in the Royal Guard Air Corps, he had to set an example of flawless military bearing for his troops. Keeping this in mind, he willed his hooves to stay firmly planted on the floor. He turned his focus to his squadron, giving them another last minute once-over to ensure his team was ready to go. And, as they had been the last ten times he had checked, they were ready to go, fully kitted out with lightweight aerial combat armor, modified with jungle camouflage, since Foal Mountain was covered in a dense canopy of vegetation. Each pegasus also carried a small short sword in place of the heavier spears generally favored by unicorns and earth ponies for ground combat.
They stood lined up in a delta-shaped launch formation in the primary Air Corps hangar of the Canterlot garrison, looking more than a little bit impatient. Like their captain, Thunder Bolt's troops were having a little bit of trouble hiding their excitement. Wings ruffled, hooves pawed, gear was checked and rechecked. Their anticipation was warranted. This wasn't just some boring monster incursion. They were finally getting some real action for once! A gigantic UFO falling from the sky? Captain Bolt grinned. Now THAT was what he had joined the guard for! He and his team might be the very first Equestrians to ever interact with an extraterrestrial species! Who could claim that? Nobody, that's who, thought Thunder excitedly. His thoughts were interrupted as a loudspeaker on the hangar wall blared to life:
"RRT, green light, I say again, green light to launch. Launch on my mark." A massive grin erupted across Thunder's face as he prepped his body for take off, crouching and unfolding his wings.
"Alright squad, you heard 'em, prep for take off!" he shouted to his team. A chorus of rough affirmatives was barked out in response, and Captain Bolt knew his team was ready. The voice on the loudspeaker cut in again, counting down:
"Five..." Thunder flapped his wings experimentally. "Four..." he gave himself a quick pat down to ensure his gear was in place. "Three..." His muscles tensed, his body becoming taut like a compressed spring. "Two..." Goddesses, I love my job, the captain thought to himself. "Launch!"
The pegasi shot like bullets from the hangar, their powerful wings propelling them instantly forward. They maintained their delta formation, with Captain Bolt at the tip, leading his team in a direct path straight to Foal Mountain. The burning hulk was visible even from the great distance between the two mountains. It's location was made even more obvious by the thick columns of black smoke rising up from the wreckage. Thunder studied it's form as his eyes focused and he was able to make out the details. It looked strangely beautiful, with sleek, graceful curvature and a silvery, polished sheen. That is, except for the massive cracks and fractures running down it's surface, and the numerous strange blue fires that burned profusely up and down it's body, showing the damage caused by impacting with the mountain. What puzzled Thunder was the other damage, which seemed to be unrelated to the crash. The two far ends looked blackened and charred, and were leaking thick columns of smoke. It appeared as if there had been more of the structure attached at these two ends that had been sheared off. The pegasus captain couldn't fathom how such a huge object could have had even more mass.
As they approached, they cut their altitude, descending to just above the forest canopy and spreading out their formation. The pegasi guards slowed down, their sharp eyes sweeping back in forth in front of them, watching for any trace of suspicious activity. As they approached the wreckage, Thunder shouted out to his team.
"Split up! Teams of three, 100 meter spread, stay in formation!" The pegasi fanned out, putting the specified distance between each other as they began their individual searches. Captain Bolt formed up with his two nearest squad mates and rocketed forward, maintaining his position as the tip of the formation.
The mission parameters were to conduct a cursory sweep of the immediate area of the meteorite's impact, and search for anything that garnered immediate attention. He wasn't sure what that might include, but he was pretty sure a gigantic chunk of metal falling out of the sky and careening into a mountain was worthy of "immediate action". Thunder mentally shrugged. Decisions like that were way above his paygrade. What happened next, however, helped clear up the confusion surrounding what he was looking for as a series of loud cracks came up from below them. Well then, that answers that Thunder thought, and angled his wings down, diving down to the source of the noise.
Thunder and his two team mates slowed down as they penetrated the thick canopy, dodging branches and vines. A few more cracks rang out, much louder this time. The captain winced as the percussive blasts assaulted his eardrums. What is that? he thought, weaving his way to the forest floor. Suddenly, he punched his way into a clearing, and fanned his wings out to stop himself, flapping to maintain his height at the top of the trees. He scanned the ground below, and his eyes widened in shock. A pair of armored, bipedal beings were brawling below him, trading blows that would break a pony's bones. One was covered in light green armor, with a burnt orange face and bits of black between the plating. The larger of the two wore dark blue plates, it's purple, scaled skin bruised and cut where it was not protected by the armor. It had a large, protruding head with fearsome, fang-filled mandibles.
As he watched on in shock, the green creature slugged it's opponent in the stomach, doubling it over. As it lowered it's head, the green one brought it's knee up into it's enemy's face, the audible crunch of bones breaking making Thunder cringe. This was brutal, even to a Royal Guard. With this final blow, the creature in blue staggered back unsteadily, stared at the green one for a moment, and then collapsed on the ground. As near as Captain Bolt could tell, the creature had been knocked unconscious. It's opponent stood still for a moment, before making it's way to the trunk of a nearby tree, leaning against it, and sliding down into a sitting position, appearing to be breathing heavily. Thunder and his companions watched with bated breath, eyeing the creature warily.
After several seconds of staring at it, the pegasus on Thunder's left whispered in his ear, "Orders, sir?"
Thunder wasn't sure what to do, but before he had a chance to tell them as much, the creature stirred, raising it's head to look, what appeared to Thunder to be, directly at them. They all stood stock still, hoping the shadows offered by the trees would keep them hidden.
To their dismay, a voice rang out from below: "Well, are you going to sit up there all day, or are you going to get down here and talk to me?"
I like
5616136
Thank you :)
Certainly better than some of the other Halo fics on this site. Keep it up, please!
Hurray! Contact made with a new (and potentially dangerous) species (highly revolved around war)!
need more!!!!!!!!!
Don't mess with Spartan. You can't never win...Also Human are immu magic.
I completely felt heartbroken when you stopped there. Please, Write more if you can. But don't rush; we don't want you to ruin the perfection of how this story is going.
Keep it up! I feel this is going to be a great story. (In terms of both lore, and writing skills! )
Please have Skirmishers, please have Skirmishers, please have Skirmishers, please have Skirmishers, please have Skirmishers, please have Skirmishers, please have BOB, please have Skirmishers.
Ha! Just saw that I have 117 views. Heh...Halo jokes. But anyway, thanks for everyone's support, I'll try to keep this up for your sakes. Please enjoy!
5617843
What is BOB?
5616573 More please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"We'll be ready for whatever's up there, your Highness."
Poor bastard doesn't know how wrong he is
5618249 BOBs are the time-limited gold Rangers in each mission.
5620364
Gold Rangers? Never heard of them.
http://halo.wikia.com/wiki/B.O.B.
5620639 And before that, the Marathon games had Bobs. I loved the ones that run around screaming 'kill me' before they blow themselves up. Ah, 1993...
mobygames.com/images/shots/l/173809-marathon-2-durandal-windows-screenshot-fighting-alongside.jpg
You're cutting off the paragraphs incorrectly. You do it when you have a change in perspective, not necessarily when there's the start of a spoken line. For example:
This is how you wrote it. (EDIT: Colored the perspectives in alternating red and green, to show how glaringly they're split apart among the paragraphs.)
And this is how you separate them correctly:
See the difference? How the perspectives are all grouped together in their respective paragraphs?
One other thing is that you're putting in the wrong punctuation marks at the end of certain spoken lines. here's one good example:
When you close off a spoken line and add right after it a narration of how said line was spoken, you never capitalize the word unless it's a proper noun, such as a character's name. And if you're not closing it off with anything that isn't an exclamation or question mark, you use a comma instead of a period.
Like this:
To note, you did it perfectly, right over here:
5621253 Thank you very much. I'll fix these ASAP. I couldn't get a pre-reader before it was published, so its good to have someone help me out with these things.
5618249
Well, short version is that he's a golden Ranger rank Elite. Basically an easter egg into the game system. You can find him in various places and in all missions except (I think) New Alexandria (Even then, there's a Banshee BOBs, who never really fire at you, but only continuously boost)
5621253 Better?
5621928 Sure is. Now apply that to the last part where Thunder Bolt and his squad member talk, and when Jorge addresses them. I trust you can find out and correct these instances yourself after the demonstration?
5621974 I'll do my damnedest.
5624148 That wasn't what I was aiming for, but good luck Honestly, you've got this. Your story is one of the better Halo ones, and I hope you continue it. Jorge was a great character in Reach.
Just trying to help.
5624153 Its all good. I appreciate the help. I'm aiming for EQD material here, so it has to be the best I can possibly make it. If it makes it more enjoyable for my readers, then its worth the time and effort. Even if I go through and edit out a ton of "he's", only to hit the back button without saving it and have to do it all over again. Lol. But seriously, thank you for the encouragement.
5624170
Right there. Willingness to accept criticism and advice on your writing will get you far. That said, don't let people's comments change your writing style. Keep it up and you'll do awesome.
(not criticism below, just how I usually explain the detail bit)
For descriptions, paint a picture, not just saying what is going on. Take the Mona Lisa for example. Would you be more interested if I said that it is a painting of a smiling woman, or went into the colors, the faint brush patterns left on the canvas, etc? Paint the scene.
Example:
Step by step, Jorge pushed himself through the steadily darkening forest. The dying light casting golden shadows between the branches as he worked uphill toward the smoldering wreckage...
Aw, ya pulled it down. Ah well, looking forward to the final version.
5624184 Oh boy. I'll try and up my game in the description department, but I'm not THAT good, that's for sure. But yes, I understand I'm not the best writer, so I am willing to accept that others may know better and might have good advice. Its the only way to grow, and I'd really like to make a career out of writing. So thank you for your help
5624219 Anytime If you ever have a question, feel free to shoot me a message.
The only way to get better at writing is to do it. Reading some of the top rated stuff on here is a great start too. Don't copy them, but see how everything flows together. The balance between detail and vagueness that some people pull of crazily well, how the OC interacts with the world and the world interacts with them.
/takes off writers monk's robe.
Anyhow, I'll shut up lol you get my point. Sometimes I just get a little winded in explaining.
Seems good so far, will follow it as it progresses.
Hmm... no language barrier means no amusing charades---for early, mock communication.
A certain kind of helicopter is in flight.