- Member Since 24th Aug, 2012
- offline last seen May 30th
eragon13666
I'm a writer, always have been always will be. My intrests are for making stories mostly about Changelings, because really; they need love to. Enjoy my stories, leave a like and comments.
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Dat cover art
Also dat chapter title "Works"––>"Work"
ChrysalisXHuman? Interesting...
I normally don't comment, but i felt the need to express some pros and cons i read in this chapter.
First of all i like that your making your own universe instead of piggybacking off of already existing ones as it allows you the opportunity to change technological/magical reactions that borrowing someone elses universe may or may not restrict. same thing can be applied to how Equis creatures react to the new neighbors and vice-versa, which you have already taken the liberty of implementing for the story. it makes me wonder what else will be different from other stories and roots itself deeper into my brain than any fifth or sixth 'set in ____ Universe' normally accomplishes.
The Introduction of Nova Star was good, but her nervousness and strong opinion of Changelings when the Overheard conversation brought them up might as well have yodeled " I am a Changeling in disguise". this is feels a bit weird as one would expect a creature born with shape-shifting abilities and a lifetime of anonymity would not be a mediocre liar or become so unnerved when Changelings are mentioned. it may be later revealed that she may not be Crysalis and is instead a new changeling just getting into the swing of things, but she shouldn't be quite so obvious. on a lighter note she also didn't regurgitate her story in one sitting, which encourages us to wonder more about her (albeit much more discernible) character
Your experimental writing style is unique, but sometimes a little hard to follow, Though it certainly does feel more like I'm listening to an actual person rather than a heavily edited Gold Star published. that being said some clean up is desired as i found the 'um,'s and pauses somewhat flow breaking. Let the character get his thoughts together.
(Rhymed)!oh wait...The establishment of Brandon Casey as a character was very well done. He(You) didn't introduce him by stating 'I am an average' such and such, which is usually where the first red flags waves enthusiastically in the center of my computer screen, as average people are boring and have no right to be a main character.
Instead he(You) started with a little bit of his family life, school life, some insight into his personal evaluation, and built his personality and attitude through thought input and his social interactions throughout the chapter. I find this much more appealing as it encourages you to look at the character yourself to see who he is, rather than dumping his facts and preferences on us in the first few paragraphs.
It makes the Character feel like a person rather than a factory belt line produced protagonist with a name(and in some cases without), he has flaws and fears, dreams and happiness. some stories make the mistake of summarizing their main characters; then forget to expand, giving a shallow/hollow feel to them, and forget to make us care about the characters personal struggles and triumphs. This is not one of those stories and its clear you understand the importance of proper character development.
All in all i like the direction your story is headed. Don't take from this that i don't think this story isn't worth continuing because it most certainly is. I just didn't want to say 'this is a good chapter' without leaving some feedback, and I hope to see it expand and improve as we journey onward together.
(Est. time to finish comment and editing; 45 Min. A new Personal! God. this one was long.)(Proudly edited post-post
3 45 times)5052787 I really am gald that you took the time to comment on this. Truthfully I was worried no one would like this way of writing.
And for your thought of Nova Star there is a reason on that on how she (might even be a she for all we know) was made and will be shown in later chapters.
Good start to a good story. Hope to see more.
Also I love Chrysalis. Nice to see a new HumanxChrysi fic.
5052977 I have read a few chrysalis human stories but there not a lot to say 'huge demands' for them . So I thought let's just add one more see what happena
5053819 I write fics with humans and changelings in them. I like the idea of this one.
your summary... is a bit off.
I... honestly don't understand it. This summary just feels grammatically wrong. Also I'm pretty sure the "an" after the semicolon is supposed to be "can". Honestly, though, I don't think that semicolon is supposed to be there. How about:
"After years of treaties and debates since the portal to Equestria appeared, Earthlings and Equestrians can finally live in any of the two worlds they wish."
... or something like that. Sounds better when you say it out load, doesn't it?
Dat Chrysie plushie...
It was a bit difficult for me at some sentences, but the most of it is interessting and i think it is a good story.
I have not much time right now, but i like it and read more.
I liked it, then again I always enjoy reading about Chrysalis
global3.memecdn.com/feel-like-a-gentlecolt_o_581586.jpg
The mustache people demands more of this fiction. Please continue your fine art gentleman !
5055903 Jesus Christ my heart that pic is dangerous use it responsibly.
You have my attention. Grammar and spelling could use a little work though
First off, The Great Aperture To Equestria is NOT a stupid name.
A proofreader or beta reader could be very useful to you withwithout needing to really change your writing style. You do have quite a few glitches here and there that could easily be fixed.
Nova seems fairly inexperienced in infiltration. Seems she mentioned being from Manehatten once then Cloudsdale the next, not to mention her emotive transparency....
Keep going! ;)
The start was a little quirky, but as it progressed I liked it a lot. With a proofreader and an editor, this story would easily reach the featured box.
i168.photobucket.com/albums/u189/sxstr/snazzyspace/graphicfolder/page-graphics/stay-classy.png
5058426 there is a reason as to why she was saying those things with later in a furture chapter will be shown
5058646 I always did try to find a editor and I known many are busy but it seems that when someone does do a editor they ether don't hearvback so until then I'm fine with as is.
I write just to write really I'm glad people think that this story is good and such
5058920 I know the feeling man. I have eleven stories and only two of them have editors. It's hard to find one that actually replies. Try to post a thread on the editors group, or see if there's a free editor and PM him, it's not enough to say you don't have n editor, you must take the initiative.
5058920 I have all of the free time.
Not some of the free time, ALL of the free time. So if you want a proofreader....
5082598 well if you like go ahead then I would love it
5082606 I'll edit this one once I get home.
5082651 alrighty when done just give it to me ether pm or email whatever is best for ypu
5055117 yeah I can understand it being hard to read. It was a new way of writing I wanted to try. It was to be a way of writing like how I think in a sense.
i liked it , and i'm looking forward to more, although the way it's written makes it hard to follow sometimes but still like it
stay cassy
more please?
5317612 a update is coming very soon do not worry
5328377 ok.
Seems Chrysalis is falling faster than he is.
Your chapter titles should be shorter I think, something's like, "What I love" or similar, should hint at the theme of the chapter without spoiling it.
Keep going! ;)
i've been enjoying this story. may be slow to update but still a great story
stay classy
good story, i don´t mind the way you did Rarity, it is a nice change. I think you are doing some thigns a bit different than usually and i like it.
I liked it too, that they were talking about things like sex but not to much or like Rarity held him back with her magic but didn´t forced him to stay (if i am right).
I would hate it if he would be forced with the magic, i always like the idea that they shouldn´t be allowed to do what they want to other Humans/Ponies without a punishment.
Well i stopp right there, i could say more but i have no time if i want to sleep a bit. Good story.
5345425 your right, she didn't force him to stay in place, it was like someone holding his arm to stop him for a second to try and explain
Mh, the question is, was this arranged with the rest of their world's leaders?
5354738 pretty much yeah, I didn't go fully into it (should have) but let's say someone from the human world did something really big like say murdered someone in equestria. The princesses do not want thier kingdom to have someone such as that, but seeing how the human is not thier subject. They hold the human, until they can send him back to his own world. They would have someone like a lawyer for the pony tell the human leader what has happened and tell them said human is exiled from Equestria. And they can charge thier own, (the human who committed the crime) as such.
The same is vice versa.
So far only a portal is toward equestria and Earth. What I plan to do, is have more portals be made to go from say the Gryphon Kingdom, the Crystal Kingdom. And so forth. So if he was exiled from equestria, he could still say go to the Gryphon Kingdom, because that is not part of Equestria border.
Hope this helps
To wub a queeb,eugh neeugh
Chryssysecksuns best secksuns.
Good, but with a lot of typos.
Oh i like that, for a moment i was scared, that they would to together to fast again, or that she would use her (Changeling Powers), but i am glad that nothing of this happend.
This is one of those storys, which i never really know if i can like everything about it or not (i can´t explain it better), but i can say that everything till now was really good and if there are two or three chapters more like this, i think that it would be safe to take this story into my favourite once.
I would really like it to see if she shows him who she really is, i mean i am pretty sure that she has to be the one that is Chrysalis, but i don´t remember any hints and i would like to see that he shows her that he really only cares about her personality.
We have our own thoughts on who these "assassins" are, we'll see if they are really them. ;)
I liked how Nova skirted the issue of not actually having a room, but then how did she obtain her dress? Hmmm...
Keep going! ;)
5374497 yeah don't worry I won't be making them a couple too quickly maybe in a few more chapters I will because really I don't wanna be one of those writers who make two people a couple right on chapter 2
well this is a treat thx
stay classy
Why does this story have so many dislikes?
I constantly see stories with completely lame and un-original stories getting upvoted und featured, especially stories with overpowered characters "good always wins with no losses"-plots and "ponies are better than humans" (can win every fight against us, are socially better, etc...)...
That being said, I love your story. Finally something new around here that isn't the same plot wrapped up in a slightly altered design
I really like the main character for his problems (like his first love affair not working out(makes him seem more realistic)) and the presentation of the other humans he met or heard about.
5379404 well thank you for the time to make a comment such as this, made my day, heck it always makes my day when someone leaves a comment.
And to say how many dislikes and such, I think 10 (how it is now as I write) is a good number for me. I mean sure not everyone will like my story and realy this is the best story so far. (Howbi think) that I have made so far.
And I get what you mean about the 'hero' of the story always winning. I always hated that, I plan to later on add more lost for our human Brandon. (I will not make him op)
Anyway I'm gald you are enjoying this!
not sure how but I missed the last too up dates to this story.
I really like this story it is moving so nicely it just flows, the romance is developing vary nicely I can see this story running for many more chapters.
I am betting once nova finally comes clean to Brandon things will be just fine a bit shocking but really good after that.
harts fire
5401340 well I'm gald you are liking this story, truthfully the flow is good because this story is very planed out, my other stories I just wrote to have this one is more planned. As I guess it shows.
I am happy to see Queen Chrysalis used in a good way it is vary rare to see it and as a love interested is even beater.
5403898 yeah and that's what brought me into making this story, as you can no doubt see this is part of a diffrent universe (duh) and im going about the law saying that my all universes are the same. And beside o ways considered some of the bad guys to just be misunderstood.
Nightmare moon just wanted everyone to love her nights just went at it the wrong way
And I always considered as Chrysilis as a ruler trying to save her subjects. I mean think of it, if celstisa was pushed to the point of needing to save her subjects she would do the same
5405170
Nightmare moon just wanted everyone to love her nights just went at it the wrong way
And I always considered as Chrysilis as a ruler trying to save her subjects. I mean think of it, if celstisa was pushed to the point of needing to save her subjects she would do the same
if you know what I mean, she is just so sexy.
if there was any pony I was able to spend time with I would have a vary hard choice. lira hart strings I really like but I think in the long run it would be Nightmare moon just something about her she just needs a hug
also I agree 100% about Chrysalis she did what was needed for her entire race to survive.
hears hoping you can have this story around for several more chapters.
harts fire
5405333 i plan on making this story as long as possible I don't wanna drag utmost but o also don't wanan makent short
The correct response to that is a swift punch to the face