Equestria really is a beautiful place, the view from the train window makes me glad I am taking my time and absorbing the landscape. Even just simple stuff like a marsh or even an old willow tree looks magnificent and makes me forget about all my troubles. I never did take a good look the first time since sights like these were usually rare to find or you had to hike a full day to even catch a glimpse at such a perfect spot. But now an entire catalog of nature shots were going by me and new ones were replacing them every second.
Another equally nice thing was that while I was sightseeing, in my lap I had a fuzzy, pink, and adorable little pony sister who was humming away while I was petting her poofy cotton candy mane. On the other side of me was Twilight who had actually gotten me to look outside in the first place and while she enthralled me with tons of trivia about plants, flora, and everything else that was perfectly described in one of her nature book, I was looking at them just beyond the glass panel.
The peacefulness really sunk in, so much that I had almost forgotten that we were on a train, because I could not hear the train track sounds and even when the carriage swayed a bit I did not notice. I simply smiled and let the world absorb me, allowing it into my heart in hopes of lessening my fears and worry. Even though everything that has happened after I had learned the truth about my mother, did appear to lighten the burden of guilt, I could always feel its cold chain wrap itself around my heart.
I accidentally groaned when my mind began to remember the whirlwind of events that had just happened in such a short amount of time. I leaned forward slightly in order to rest my forehead against the cool glass while I trained my eyes to the outside world.
“Are you ok Adrian?” I heard Pinkie ask me. The moment she started to speak it felt like I had just woken up from a nap and the sounds and movement of the train rushed back into existence. It took me a few seconds for my senses to restart and when they did I sat back in my seat like normal, now using both hands to pet Pinkie's mane and scratch her ear.
“Yeah, just thinking” I told her.
“About what?” she replied.
“Everything” I simply said.
“Wow, that is a lot to think about!” she exclaimed while she threw up her hoofs in an exaggerated manner.
“Yeah, I guess it is” I stated. By now the car was silent as Pinkie and Twilight gazed up at me while I had my own eyes glued to the window. I could feel Pinkie shift in my lap, just as her hooves wrapped around me in order to give me a hug. I draped my arms around her and pulled her closer, almost using her as a huggable teddy bear.
“Do you want to talk about it Adrian?” Twilight asked this time.
I paused for a few moments in order to collect my thoughts and decided if I truly wanted to talk about it or simply let it stir in my mind. But I decided to talk about it, knowing that letting it stir would probably not be a good thing. So I took a deep, relaxing breath and gave Pinkie a quick squeeze, which made her squeak and made me let out a brief chuckle. A good way to start off our talk I think.
“I suppose I should, I just don't know where to start” I started off saying.
“Hmmm, well lets start with the last thing you were really thinking about before Pinkie asked about you” Twilight suggested.
“Alright...... well to be honest I don't really know what I was exactly thinking. I was kinda in a peaceful haze while my mind was lost in the clouds. But I suppose I was meaning that I am a little anxious about coming back to Ponyville” I said.
“Anxious? About what?” Twilight asked again.
“About everything. I know, a very bland and non-conclusive answer but that is the best way to describe it. Just feels weird to be slowing back down after storm of events and life altering news this long trip has brought me. But then on top of all that I am thinking about my magic, my future job, and Derpy” I explained.
Twilight seemed deep in thought and took her time before she said “That is understandable, to be honest I am quite impressed and thankful that you have taken everything so well. I think most ponies would of gone down a darker and sad road, but I am proud that you have found the strength to carry on. Not only for yourself, but for us as well” Twilight gave me a big smile after saying that.
“Also I think it is best that you do slow things down a bit, no matter how strong a pony is, too much stimuli in short bursts will wear them down eventually and could possibly break. So when we get back to Ponyville, we will all do our best to help you heal and smile as much as Pinkie Pie” Twilight concluded.
“AND if none of that works, I could always whip up a mean cupcake batch that will knock the sadness right out of your socks!” Pinkie happily said. I could feel a smile begin to stir so I greedily wrapped Pinkie up in another hug and gave out a small laugh.
“See, told you!” Twilight quickly added. “But as for stuff about your future, I think so long as you study from those books your magic should be under control. But if you ever wish for help then do not be afraid to ask, I would love to assist and teach! Now, as for a job, do you have any sort of idea on what you would like to try?” she asked.
“Well, I sort of have a possible idea....... maybe” I nervously answered. What I had in mind seemed rather silly.
“Oh really? What is it?” she asked.
I shifted my eyes back to the scenes of nature passing by us while my cheeks adopted a red color “Pr.... Pro-professional..... ear..... scratcher” I quietly uttered out.
But before Twilight could comment Pinkie jumped up in excitement “THAT IS THE BEST IDEA EVER!” she loudly declared.
Twilight's jaw hung loose for only a moment before she re-adjusted herself “A professional ear scratcher?” she asked.
“W-w-well I don't mean just that! I mean, I was thinking that maybe I could learn proper massage techniques from the Spa Twins or something, so that way I could gives massages and give better ear scratches since everyone seems to love them and you have said that my fingers feel good. So I just thought I could work with that...... I suppose” I tried to explain but the more I talked the less confidence I had.
“I think that would be a wonderful service!” Twilight said. Whoa, she actually agrees with that? Ok, was not expecting that.
“You.... you do?” I questioned.
“I sure do! Your ear scratches could be the ultimate relaxation tool and combining that with massages would melt anyponies stress away! And not just ponies, Gilda also seemed to enjoy it as well so you could offer it so anyone!” Twilight said.
“Hmm, I guess you're right! Though, I think I need to find a couple of guys to try and give an ear scratch to first since they might not like it as much as girls do” I explained.
“True, that could be bad business or lead to unsavory rumors about only servicing female clients or something like that” Twilight reasoned. “You could probably try it on Spike and Big Mac first since Applejack and myself can talk to them and explain”
“YAY! I knew that this was the best idea ever! That way you can become a Professional Level Three Ear Scratcher! OH! OH! Then when you go back to Canterlot or the Crystal Empire you can be the Professional Level Three Royal Ear Scratcher!” Pinkie said in an even more excited voice.
“I think that last one might be a bit much, I think 'The Royal Ear Scratcher' sounds better” I told her.
“Yeah, I guess your right” Pinkie said with a silly giggle.
“Well, that is two things down. Now, I don't know a lot about relationships but I can certainly try and help you and Derpy” Twilight said.
I remained quiet as I thought about this but that is when I remembered my talk with Cadence and even though I would like to talk about it, I don't think much would change as it would mostly be them reassuring me. I don't really need that right now, so I smiled and shook my head “Actually, I think I will be alright in that regard. Cadence told me that I am mostly over-thinking things and I should just be myself and that is what I want to do” I told her.
Thankfully she nodded with a smile to match on her own face “I suppose that is best for now, especially since Cadence said so. But just know that you can talk to any of us and ask for advice, help, or whatever you need, ok?” she informed me.
“I will Twilight, thank you” I said. I felt my eyelids flutter a bit for only a moment followed by a quick yawn. “Well since we have a little more than an hour left till Ponyville, I am going to grab a quick nap. That will help clear my mind and should stop me from over thinking”
“Alright Adrian, I will wake you up when we get close” Twilight said. She then looked above us and used her magic to summon a book from her bag, as soon as it touched her hooves she was lost in the pages of ink. So I gently lifted Pinkie up so I could lie down since slouching would have been uncomfortable. Once I was settled in, Pinkie decided to curl up on my chest and take a nap with me as well, following suit was Artemis who leapt up and curled up against my leg.
I sometimes wonder if they must see me as a giant walking pillow or something, but I can't deny that it feels nice and that they trust me so much. So with Derpy in my thoughts, I drifted off into a light sleep while the train continued to speedily take us to our destination.
---------- 1 Hour and 25 Minutes Later ----------
“.d..an” I barely heard the voice call out.
“Ad...n” The same voice called out.
“Ad.i,n” What is it trying to say?
“Adrian!” I clearly heard the voice now and quite loudly this time. I sprung up from the soft seat and hazily looked around in a daze while my eyes and hearing slowly came back from sleep. After a good shake of my head I looked around and saw Twilight looking at me. “About time sleepy head! I've been trying to wake you for the past five minutes!”
“Huh..... sorry about-” I let out a quick yawn and smacked my lips “-about that Twilight. Didn't think I would fall into a heavy sleep” I groggily said. I took a quick look around and saw Pinkie and Artemis were missing. “Hey, were did the two of them go?”
“Over here! Artemis wanted to play with you but you were dead asleep! So I played with her! Though it took a while for her to warm up to me enough just to play fetch” Pinkie explained halfway down the hall.
“Oh, well thanks Pinkie!” I said.
“Well we will be stopping soon, so could you please hand me my bags from up top there?” Twilight politely asked me.
“Sure, here we go” I said as I quickly lifted her stuff up and down to her. Once we collected our small bags, we waited in our seats for the train to come to a complete stop before heading out to retrieve our bigger stuff. What surprised me though was that by the time we came out two unicorns were already done unloading our luggage and told us that our tickets came with instructions for the staff to deliver it to the castle. Dang, Celestia certainly knows how to use her influence and power well.
So with our luggage being handled we all took a minute to stretch out and revel in the sight that we were official back in Ponyville. Though the peace was short lived for as soon as I took two steps on the grass coming off the station I heard the sound of three voices going squee just before I was slammed into the ground.
“ADRIAN! WELCOME HOME!” I heard a familiar trio of voices loudly declare before erupting into a gaggle of giggles. I finally had a chance to look down and saw the happy, beaming faces of the CMC.
“Applebloom! Sweetie Bell! Scootaloo! It is so wonderful to see you all again!” I happily said before I wrapped the three of them in a big hug, a hug they gladly gave back to me, triple fold! They all squirmed around in my arms cause they were so excited to see me and were trying to talk to me all at once.
“Girls! Girls! He can't answer you all at once you know!” I heard Rarity call out, glancing over I also saw Applejack, Fluttershy, and Rainbow Dash walking alongside her with smiles on their faces.
“Hi girls! It is so great to see you all again!” Twilight said as she and Pinkie joined the others and mingled. Meanwhile the filly trio had climbed up onto their spots the last time I had them up on my shoulders and head. But I decided to stay on the ground so I could greet the others easier, for example the now fast galloping Fluttershy heading in my direction.
“Adrian!” Fluttershy called out as she flew into my open arms and we hugged each other, with a pair of grand smiles appearing on our faces. “Oh Adrian! I missed you so much!”
I chuckled a bit before I began to pet her mane “I missed you too Fluttershy, I missed you too” I simply said as the yellow pegasus snuggled up against my chest.
“Whoa” Sweetie Bell said as she suddenly loomed over my head and stared into my eyes.
“What is it?” I asked her.
“I just forgot how amazing your eyes looked now” she said while in awe.
I smiled while trying to look at Sweetie Bell “All the better to see you with my dear” I said. She giggled at that before returning to her position on top of my head and hugged it.
“Well howdy partner! Been a while since we last saw ya! How've ya been sugercube?” AJ asked.
“Eh, I have been better. Had a rough time and learned quite a few things, but I think I will be ok in the end” I told her. It seems I flipped some sort of switch cause the happy atmosphere suddenly felt heavy and everyone seemed sad. “What? What's wrong?”
“I'm sorry big guy, I let slip about you and your mom accidentally when they asked me about my time on Earth” Rainbow said with a sad voice.
I shook my head “It's fine Rainbow, they all would of known sooner or later and this way we can get all the sadness out of the way and just be happy and smiling” I told her. That seemed to do the trick cause I was soon surrounded by all of them in one big group hug. I don't know who it was but in the middle of the group I heard a quiet sniffle and like a germ spread to the rest of them.
“I am really sorry about your mom Adrian, I don't know how I would react if mine ever passed away” I heard Sweetie say as she hugged my head. I squirmed my arm free of the hugging mass and lifted it up to pet her head and give her ear a little scratch.
“It's alright Sweetie, it still hurts from time to time but I have all of you here with me now to help fill that void in my heart. That or simply stuff if full of Pinkie's delicious cupcakes” I jokingly said.
“Darn tootin you will!” Pinkie suddenly said which caused us all to burst out into laughter.
We remained in our group hug for a few more minutes while the few of them got their little sniffles and cries out of their system. Once they were all feeling better and had smiling faces again we all split up into a small circle, at that point I had gently taken the three down and onto the ground. They all pouted and tried to use their puppy dog eyes but I closed my eyes and somehow avoided caving in, well that and their sisters helped block them by scooping them up in a hug.
“Oh and before I forget, Rarity! Thank you so much for all the clothes you made me, I had plenty to wear and came no where closing to running out” I said to the purple haired fashionista.
“It is my pleasure darling! Did everything fit alright though? A few of those designs felt a bit off on the measurements” she asked.
“I did not find anything wrong with them and they all fit comfortably! If I do find something wrong though I will let you know!” I replied.
“Oh good! Well that is a relief!” Rarity said.
“Now, onto the most important part....... Adrian” Applejack said in a serious tone.
“Y-yes Applejack?” I nervously responded.
“I hear we be gettin gifts, so where are they?!” she asked with a look of excitement in her eyes.
“GIFTS! GIFTS! GIFTS!” the CMC all shouted in unison. UGH! AJ! Why did you have to say that now!
“Well, you would be right! But they are with the rest of my stuff that is being delivered to the castle-” I tried to finish my sentence but Rarity cut me off.
“PLEASE tell me you got me something fashionable from your world?! Adrian darling, please!” she desperately said.
“Now Rarity, if I told you that would ruin the surprise!” I teasingly said.
“Well I want my surprise now! Off to the castle!” Rarity said which caused the whole group to start stampeding but I remained still and laughed. “Adrian! Come on!”
I could only laugh more and more at their mob mentality, so much so that my stomach started to hurt from laughing so hard. “I would l-love to girls. But-” I tried to say again.
“But what?!” Applebloom asked this time.
“But I have someone I need to go see first before anything else” I told them all.
At this they all seemed to calm down before walking back to me, looking up at me with confused faces.
“Who do you need to go see big guy?” Rainbow asked me.
At this I started to blush and I nervously began to scratch the back of my neck “A ah...... a certain gray mailmare” I said back. It took most of them a few moments to think but eventually they all seemed to understand what I was going to do. Everyone except the CMC and Rainbow Dash of course.
“Derpy? Why are you going to give her her present first?” Rainbow asked in all seriousness. The other girls stared at her with wide eyes, even Pinkie.
AJ walked up to her shortly after and whispered something in her ear, it only took Rainbow a few more seconds before she appeared to finally understand cause she grinned and flew over to me so she could playfully smack my back. “Well then get going big guy! Twilight and Pinkie here can fill us in on the details of everything until you get back” she said while still wearing a huge grin.
But at this I paused and held up my hand “Wait, before you all go I have to say something first. I don't mind small details but I need to be there to tell you something very important that happened. I can forgive the stuff back on Earth but this matter is very serious to me and I want to be the one to tell you all. Ok?” I informed them.
“Yes, I understand Adrian and I will make sure the two of us don't say anything in regards to that” Twilight said. She looked over at Pinkie and had a serious look in her eyes “Understand Pinkie?”
“Sure do! Besides, there are tons of other stuff we can talk about anyway! So what are we waiting for! Let's go! Good luck big brother!” Pinkie said as she waved me goodbye.
“Wait? Big brother?! Pinkie Pie! Wait!” Applebloom frantically said as she and the CMC tried to catch up to the bouncing baker. The other girls giggled and soon followed suit as they waved me goodbye. Once they had stopped looking at me, I dug into my bag in order to pull out Derpy's last letter so I could find her address.
Finding it, I pulled it out and examined her address before looking around at the nearest house and seeing I was a little ways off. With her letter in hand I began walking in the direction that should lead me to her house, so off I went!
---------- 10 Minutes Later ----------
Phew! About time! I got lost three times while getting here! The way they number houses is weird! It goes down and up normally when in a line but when you get to an intersection, the count goes off of what the original house starts within that separate line! I have to commend Derpy for being able to figure out and remember all of this!
I am finally on her street, so now I just have to find the right number. Alright, five..... four.... three... two.. one. I finally stood in front of her house with her letter in my now trembling hand as I stared at it. It was here, the final moment is here at last. Oh god my mind is swirling with a million thoughts on why I should run and leave, GAH! Why am I thinking I should run!..... Maybe.....maybe I should.
NO! No, no, no! I will not run! I will not back down now, not after everything I have done to get here!
I say this but I could feel my legs start to buckle and sway, so I began pacing back and forth just to keep me from falling flat on my face, though it did not help my mentality any.
What should I do? What should I do?! I know what everyone has said to me and I want to follow through, but now that I am actually here I am starting to fall apart! Phew, ok Adrian. Calm down. Take a deep breath.......... there we go and another one.......... alright good, good. Just be calm... calm. Just remember what Cadence said, nothing is ever perfect, just be yourself, and just let her know how you feel.
Yes, I have to do it. I even told my mom that she was in my heart, I won't lie to her and I won't lie to myself by making up a stupid excuse. No, I will do this. I will, I will, I WILL!
With that I took a few more deep and calming breaths before placing her letter back in my bag, though the feeling in the pit of my stomach was going haywire and started messing with my body. But instead of letting it hinder me, I used that feeling to force my feet and legs to start moving forward, one step at a time. With each step I could feel my brow starting to sweat and my hands shook but I continued to use this feeling inside of me to propel me forward until I was at her doorstep.
Oh god, this is it. This is really it. Just beyond these doors is that beautiful mare with eyes of gold, GAH don't have second thoughts now! Just knock, come one I can do at least that. Just..... just...... just!
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK
I did! I really did it! Oh crap I really did it! What do I say?! What do I do!? Should I just be casual? Or should I take the lead and say it? NO! Why did I knock?! I betrayed myself! Come on, think, think, think!
~CREAK~
I heard the door slowly open and instantly stood back up and straightened my outfit to get rid of any wrinkles or dust and hopefully get rid of my nervousness. But I soon learned that I did not have to worry about getting rid of it on my own cause she wiped it clean from my mind and body the second she took the first step out of her door.
No words were spoken as our eyes met, her beautiful golden eyes that sparkled in the sun light and made them glisten like a gem. But another color caught my eye as I slightly shifted up and saw that clipped into her pretty yellow mane was the green hair clip I sent her in the mail. I was right, it looks absolutely amazing on her and compliments her eyes so well! But even without it, her beauty would still be there.
We continued to watch each other in silence but every second that went by seemed to be completely frozen in time, but I would not mind being stuck in time so long as I had her to look at. I could see her chest rise and fall as her breaths began to shorten in excitement and her eyes started to tear up, which made my own eyes start to water.
I could feel that my legs were starting to lose their strength and begin to wobble, so I ended up taking the first move as I kneeled down on one leg which ended up closing the distance between the two of us. I could see that through the tears, that were starting to sting her eyes, her pretty smile could not be taken away. Feeling the world surround and ensnare my body, I felt my arm move up in order to cup her soft face and using my thumb I gently stroked her muzzle.
“I..... I-I'm back Derpy” I choked out of my now dry throat.
I heard her give a few little sniffles as she squeaked a few times trying to find her voice but kept losing it every time she tried to say something. But instead of words she greatly surprised me by suddenly leaping forward, using my knee as a stepping stone, and gracing me with a soft and tender kiss on the lips. It was only for a brief moment before she leaned her head back and look into my eyes again, a hidden spark deep within her beaming eyes.
I reached up around her so I could pull her in for a hug, using my hand to cradle the back of her head. Using that same hand I gently massaged her mane and felt a new kind of warmth within me, something I never felt before and the feeling was almost the same thing as if I was summoning my magic. It made me feel strong, it made me feel warm, and now it made me feel complete, as if it was something missing all along.
During all this she had also wrapped me up with her hooves and wings as she nuzzled my neck while she shed tears of joy. We remained in this position for a time, as we just felt right and did not need to say or do anything else. But I felt compelled to say something so I gently leaned my head back so I could talk to her eye to eye.
“I'm sorry for making you wait Derpy. But I am here now and you look absolutely beautiful. Just as I remembered you being” I softly said to her which cause her to smile even more but this time I initiated the kiss and thankfully she accepted it. It was only a short one again but it was all we needed to tell each other how we truly felt now.
“Thank you so much Adrian, thank you for accepting me. I..... I-I” she tried to say the last few words but she choked up and fell into my chest to cry a little more.
“I love you too Derpy. I just hope I can make you as happy as you deserve to be” I sweetly said while I ran my fingers through her silky mane. But the moment I said love she stared up at me with such a sweet and innocent fact and had a face like I just lit up her entire world.
“I love you Adrian, I really do” Derpy said in a soft voice as she snuggled up against me. I could not help but smile at how cute and beautiful she looked. It was no wonder she stole my heart at first crash.
“Hey Derpy, do you want to head on over to castle with me? I am handing out some more gifts and I still have something else to give you” I informed her and I was met with a surprised gasp.
“Yo-you got me something else?!” she asked with both confusion and joy.
“Of course, I had to get the mare that I loved more than one gift!” I replied with a grin. She began to blush a bit yet had a smile plastered on. But she only nodded while she looked up at me with wonder and amazement. So I scooped her up and carried her like a princess, something that I have actually done with a real princess, and began to walk towards the castle that was looming over the buildings ahead.
On our way over we certainly became the hot topic of all Ponyville cause every single pony had their eyes glued on us, at first I was worried that Derpy might become nervous or scared due to how the town usually treats her. But I was pleasantly surprised when I saw that she was smiling lovingly up at me with stars in her eyes. I don't know why but the more she stared at me like that, the greater my blush became. Then she did something quite bold for when we began walking across the open field in front of the castle, that was currently full of ponies, she quickly pecked me on the cheek and did an adorable giggle.
Guess I was just the right confidence booster for her and I could not be any more happier, for both her and myself. Soon enough we found ourselves walking through the castle doors and heading straight for the library, since that is most likely where they put our luggage. Quickly navigating my way to the back, I opened the door and was met with a happy gang of ponies who ran over to us.
“Soooooo, what is the official word you two?” Rarity asked us with peering eyes. I thought for a moment that Derpy would continue her bold streak but now that they were all closely watching us with hungry and curious eyes, she became a bit nervous and red in the face. Luckily for her, I currently had our courage so I gave her a kiss on the cheek, which made Derpy blossom into a happy face and squee'd a bit.
“All right big guy! Way to go!” Rainbow cheered and was followed soon by the rest.
“Congratulations you two! I hope you two get along with each other!” Twilight said.
“Shoot sugarcube! Looks like ya caught a mighty fine lady! Be sure to treat her well now, ya hear?” AJ told me.
“Oh this is so sweet! I feel so giddy!” Rarity quickly said before she started talking to herself about dresses and flowers.
“You two make a nice couple” Fluttershy timidly said but smiled just as sweetly as ever.
“WOO! YEAH! I gotta make some “Best New Couple” cakes!” Pinkie happily exploded.
“Awesome! You two look good together!” Scootaloo said.
“Scoots right! You two look mighty fine as a pair!” Applebloom said next. I was expecting Sweetie Bell to say something next but when I looked over I saw that she was pawing the ground and looked a bit sad. So I walked over to her and gently petted her mane.
“Sweetie Bell? What's wrong?” I asked with concern.
“N-nothing... it's just....” Sweetie Bell started to say.
“Just what?” I asked again.
“It's just now that you got a marefriend, you won't have time for me anymore” she quietly pouted. I was going to say something to reassure her but Derpy slipped down from my arms and sat next to Sweetie Bell who looked kinda shocked.
“You don't have to worry about that, I would never be so selfish as to have him all to myself Sweetie Bell. I know that Adrian means a lot to you and the others and I would never make him choose between his friends and me. You can always play with Adrian as much as you want, I just ask that you leave me with a little bit of time now and then, ok?” Derpy said with a kind and caring voice.
“Yo-you really mean it?” Sweetie asked in return. Derpy nodded yes with a smile, and in a flash Sweetie Bell ran over to me and leapt into my arms and gave me the biggest hug she could manage while she giggled. “Yay! I am so happy! You got the best marefriend ever Adrian!”
I could not help but smile as I hugged her “I sure do Sweetie Bell, I sure do”
It was pretty funny to actually read him say that thing, about being a Ear Scratcher., but i really like it.
That was a good decision, i think that was part of it, what made the chapter special. There didn´t needed to be more, that was awesome, and a bit more for me, which waited especially for this moment.
To be honest i thought Dinky would open the door, or they would start to meet normal, but you made it more than good enough for me.
Now it would be funny if Derpy would get her present, then suddenly she remembers that she have to fetch Dinky from school.
That would left Adrian behind, maybe a little bit shocked after Rainbow is telling him about Dinky, Pinkie would probably think she is an aunt now and.......
I let it be a suggestion, i guess i could right to much right now
If it isn´t to much for you, maybe you could add a adoption to the story somewhere, i guess Dinky would be enough, but i actually would like a random shy Filly as their second child, not the more or less usual Sparkler. (If i remember it right Sparkler is sometimes the child from Berry Punch too right?) For me Sparkler belongs more or less to Berry Punch, actually i only think that Dinky is Derpys special Filly.
About the adoption part, i guessi just want a (i don´t know the words) Filly who is most at the time after her father, because i think Derpy would be always more important for Dinky, than Adrian could be. Otherwise i have nothing against having only Dinky in the story.
I am happy for you, but i just saw that your Story is finally higher than 100 likes, for a moment it was like it only had twenty yesterday.
I don´t know what could be missing, but i would like it to get featured, it is really good for me.
5701599
I don't remember which chapter it was but I think I had noted it had gotten 100+ Likes (I think) but yes, I would absolutely love my story to be Featured. Then again everyone wants their story Featured I will continue to hope to see it on the Front Page.
AAAAAAAAWWWWWWW. That was the sweetest chapter I've ever read. Really love your work bro. ^^
5702085
Thank you, thank you! Very glad you think so!
I loved that pacing in front of her door bit. That just screams every guy having done the same thing. Glad it worked out in the end. With that said. DERPY SHIPPING GOT!
You could probably separate those credentials out. Professional Royal Ear Scratcher, Professional L3 Ear Scratcher.
Aww the feels! There were many adorable moments in this chapter, and I must say I really enjoy the chapters her nothing goes wrong and it's just character development and cute stuff. I commend you on writing an amazing chapter once again!
Ah, love at first crash.
I saw the reference in there.
5707710
That would probably be for the best, though I think he should leave out the level 3 part cause that might cause some confusion.
5708036
Thank you very much! I loved finally writing this chapter (something I thought I was going to write 5 chapters ago :P) and I am equally as happy that you enjoyed it as much and more!
5708195
5708225 Indeed, I think that now he has achieved that status with royalty, there shouldn't be a level number involved. Levels should only cover non-royalty.
HI there Mister Author!
Some things I want to share, first off I am enjoying the story. It has what I would call an "anime" vibe to it, something like a shonen mixed with harem comedy. This pleases me to no end. I also dig the pairing of Derpy with our Hero Protagonist, I honestly can't think of a single HiE story I have read (that wasn't a clop fic) with that pairing so kudos to you (insert favored gender pronoun here). I actually spent a chunk of my weekend curled up next to my wife reading it wondering where the story would go.
That said I would like to offer you constructive feedback beyond "This is great!" or "You accidentally this word!"
I have not been able to find a single use of a contraction in the dialog but there are instances of slang and that to me comes off an kind of...odd and doesn't flow well making the dialog feel unnatural. I had the same issue at first in my fic and frankly it is because the majority of my writing is business correspondence which has to be done in formalized language. A good trick might be if you are unsure about a bit of dialog try speaking it out loud and see if it sounds natural and flows well.
Many times I have noticed you will use the same descriptive nouns close together. While this is not a technical error it can still mess with the flow of the story. My best advise on this is to keep http://www.thesaurus.com/ pulled up while you write.
These are the only critiques I have on the mechanics of the story. As for the content.
Adrian Frost, I dig the name. Good job putting in a unique name without it sounding like an unrealistic name you wouldn't find in real life.
Now that said, beyond Adrian's name, his parents name, his gender orientation (implied not stated) and the fact he is a bit of a D&D nerd we know virtually nothing about him after after twenty-five chapters. We know what has happened to him since he came to Equestria but very little about what makes him who he is. Why is he so polite? Why doesn't he swear? Why does he put others first all the time? Why does he seem so emotionally fragile (though he gets a bit of a pass due to some circumstances). It would be good for depth and immersion to address some of this beyond hand waving it and saying "he is just a nice guy" real people don't work that way.
Also random thing. White hair is a very rare thing in real life and it usually comes with a host of health problems. See: Albinism and Waardenburg syndrome. Or it could just be magic. When in doubt a wizard did it.
I will only touch on this as I am a bit guilty of this too when writing my characters. Adrian is almost too perfect. Everyone loves him instantly, no one is scared of the giant ape guy that is performing intimate contact with national heroes that seems to turn their brain off in public. No guards or citizens seem to be upset that he is manhandling their royalty. It stinks of the Gary Stu trope in writing. Now that said an easy way to fix that is to go back a paragraph and give him some depth and background and maybe even drop a tidbit in from other characters prospective of why they are so instantly trusting.
I really hope I am not coming across too harshly, I do think this is a good story and with a little polish I think it could be a great story. Will definitely keep following it and am interested in seeing where things go.
-Bear
5723795
Wow! Well first off thank you for taking the time to write that all out, I appreciate it and I am grateful. Also just so you know (and everyone else who is possibly wondering) I am a 23 year old Male. So Sir or Mister is acceptable, or just Zandar. Whatever you want to call me :D
But I do know what you are saying and I admit that I have not been 100% when re-reading cause usually when I get done writing a few of these, it is usually midnight and trying to proofread while drowsy has not worked out well. So I am trying to be better at that cause I have caught a few things where I re-read it and I just think "What was I thinking?"
I actually have that Thesaurus but I usually get too wrapped up in writing to use it, even though I know I should. That and I am a tiny bit lazy
Glad you enjoy the name, though to be honest I just love those two names, Adrian and Frost, so when I started writing I thought "Why not just combine the two?" and like you said, it ended up sounding cool without being TOO far out there. And as for his backstory, I do apologize about that. I had intended to give snips here and there but due to my funky way of writing I could never seem to put them in without sounding random (to me at least). But I will definitely keep that in mind for future chapters now that you have kindly pointed it out. BUT there is one thing I can explain, him not swearing. That is just a personal thing of mine, I don't think swear words are really necessary for some stories and I have read a lot of stories where I get almost turned off due to the EXCESSIVE amounts of swearing they give their characters.
As for his white hair, while it is normally very, very rare or due to some sort of medical illness, it is a trait that was passed down his family. The real question is, when did it exactly become a Frost family trait? Did it just appear out of nowhere or did it just Shimmer into existence?
And finally, the last part. I do not wish to say anything about that right now cause it might or might not be a potential issue in future chapters. But as for him being a Gary Stu, I do fully admit that this story is a bit of Guilty Pleasure to myself and how I want to see characters interact. But with THATWs growing popularity I do have to try and get away from that.
This is my first story that has gotten any attention (Both on here and on my DeviantArt account) so I am always learning and striving to improve myself so I can give all of you a story that you enjoy. Which brings me back to how thankful I am for people like you who are honest and give constructive criticism and praise. And it made me extremely happy to hear that not only you but you AND your wife curled up together and read my story. I honestly never expected my story to be... well here! With almost 3,000 views! So I am always grateful that my simple hobby writing has become semi-popular. Well, that might be tooting my own horn but that is how I feel. I would die of shock if it ever got as popular as Your Human And You.
So thank you Bear for stopping by and I hope I continue to provide the both of you with even better chapters in the future! See you next time!
5724057
The swear thing was more of an example and shouldn't be taken to heart, just an oddity that I noticed. I agree though when a protagonist has a massive potty mouth it can really take away from a story. This coming from a 36 year old that swears like a sailor and has even brought in made up curse words from various scifi to his vocabulary. What I would really stress working on is the contractions thing, it just makes the dialog a bit hard to power through at times. Well unless this is some alternate world where humans don't normally use contractions and Mr. Data was considered odd by Starfleet because he constantly used them.
It really is a good story and I do think with a little polish you could wind up in the featured box at some point, especially since the way you have developed your story it appeals to a broader audience than many HiE fics.
Something that helped me get a better story flow going was writing an outline. I had everything in my head at first and was just "Winging it" and when I reread the first arc...wow I can tell I was winging it. Now that I have an outline in place I find things easier to write, flow more naturally, and I have a pretty good idea of how many more chapters there are until it is finished.
mayday, maday, my feels have been hit
Loading Checklist....
Checklist Loaded.
Cuteness.... Check
Smiles.... Check
Kisses..... Check
Love...... Check
Princess Friends.... Check
Funny Cadence.... Check
Adorkable Twilight.... Check
Friendship and Magic..... Check
Face Hurting from Smiling to Much..... Check
Heart Exploaded...... Check
Gossiping Rarity..... Check
Happy Foal Hugs..... Check
Happily Ever After..... ERROR
Processing.....
DING
Processing Complete.
Happily Ever After has yet to be checked off.
Systems entering sleep mode...
Beeewwwww....
I'm sorry.... this originally meant to be something cute, but it quickly turned into a computer robot RP... sorry