Typewriter

by Limelight02

Do's Little Sis

Her hooves clicked as she walked down the cobblestone path. The filly turned onto a different path and entered a forest she knew to be Everfree Forest. She happily pranced down the path and looked at all the plants and treetops. She stopped at a handmade bench and sat down on it. She pulled out a notebook and carefully wrote.

I have entered what was suspected to be a hideout for many dangerous plants and animals. Everywhere I look there could be something that could kill me. I have to stay alert or my life could soon be over. This treasure may not be worth it, but quitting would be the last thing I would do.

She shoved her pencil back through the rings that held it together and got up from the bench. She wondered around the forest and came across a pond. She yanked her notebook back out and scribbled down more.

I am now only a few yards away from my target. The only problem is there is a swamp in front of me filled with acid. There is no way to cross. My hoof slipped and a rock flew into the swamp. The splash caused acid to fall behind me and practically dug my grave. I tugged on branch and used it to swing over to the trunk. I unwrapped my hooves from the branch and threw myself at the swamp. I landed inches from it's deadly banks and shoved myself away with my hind hooves. One step closer to the treasure.

She put the notebook in her saddle bag and walked deeper into the forest. After about an hour, she found a small, rundown cottage. She walked in and inside was another pony.

"Hiya, Do!"

"Typewriter, you're back! How's your story coming along?"

Typewriter handed Daring Do her notebook. She read through the note and smiled.

"Looks good. I've gotta fly."

"Back by supper?"

"OK, sis. Whatever."

She flew out the door as Typewriter sat down in front of her sister's typewriter.

I walked through a small doorway. The only way I could see was by the few torches lining the walls. This was it. If the treasure was anywhere, it would be here. Finding the treasure could mean my life could completely change forever. I pushed a door open and on the other side was a small box. I walked over to it and carefully lifted off the lid. Inside was exactly what I had come for. I pulled out the little bag and poured the content on my hooves. Boots creeped up my legs and a sword lay between my legs. I picked it up and it shrunk to a knife. I shoved it in my boot and walked out of the building. I came to the swamp and simply walked over it. These magic boots and sword were so worth it.

Typewriter leaned back in her chair and blew part of her mane out of her face. She tapped her hoof on her chin and pulled down the cover for the desk. She watched as the clock ticked to five o'clock and her stomach growled. She leaned her head down so her chin almost touched her stomach.

"We're waiting 'til Do gets home, tummy. No questions asked."

Typewriter walked over to a window next to the door and started at the small clearing in the forest.

"We can just wait here until Do gets home."

She sat down on a stool and swung her legs as her elbows rested on the windowsill. Her hooves sat under her chin. Once and awhile her gaze would turn to the clock. She watched it turn to seven and then eight o'clock. She got up and went upstairs to her room. She grabbed one of her teddy bears and snuggled under the covers. She kept staring out of her dark window until she fell asleep.

When she woke up she ran downstairs. Daring Do was sitting at the desk, groggily trying to keep her eyes open.

"Where were you last night? You know I can't cook. I wasn't able to have anything for supper!"

Do pulled down the case for the desk and said with a yawn, "I was working on a new case and I didn't have time to come home. Found what might be a giant water serpent."

They both walked into the kitchen. Do made herself a cup of coffee and Typewriter wanted a bowl of cereal. Typewriter reached up to the shelf and Do helped her grab it.

"I don't need your help."

Typewriter crossed her arms and took the box of cereal. She stepped on her chair and poured the cereal into her bowl. As she did, bits of cereal flew all over the table and floor. Do walked over to the sink and wet down a dish towel. She scrubbed the milk was on the floor and threw away the bits of cereal.

"Typewriter, I'm sorry. I know I made a promise and I didn't keep it."

"Do, it's OK. I'm just sad that I haven't finished my story yet."

"Come on, I'll help you finish."

Typewriter's face lit up as she and her big sister sat down at the typewriter. The keys clicked as Typewriter hit each one with her hooves.

I have now began my journey home. How I wish my sister could see me now. This treasure is worth nothing compared to her. I will keep the boots and I am going to give her the magic sword as a birthday present. Nothing will be able to describe the look on her face when she gets it. Nothing can describe the feeling I will have as she takes it from my hooves. All I can say is I love her.

Comments

[IncinerateChicken]

Oh, look! Her sister writes bad fanfiction! Like someone else I can think of!

[TwiwnB]

Nice quiet little story. Nothing spectacular, but that's also kind of the point.

For what I can analyze, there are three parallel stories here.
1. the relationship between Daring Do and her sister
2. the quest for the treasure
3. Typewriter's struggle with her story

I'm not sure the story should be improved in any way, as it works pretty well in my opinion. Still, I would like to discuss some points.

When it comes to the quest for the treasure, I wonder if it wouldn't be interesting to put a bit more of a fight when Typewriter enters the cottage. I mean:

I pushed a door open and on the other side was a small box. I walked over to it and carefully lifted off the lid. Inside was exactly what I had come for.

She enters and everything works as expected. A "climax" might add something fun there and add in the satisfaction to obtain the items. Typewriter is young, so why not fight with the curtains, avoid the terrible shadow monster that hides in the wall, and defuse a fatal trap that would have paralyzed her when she would have opened the box? It doesn't seem that it would have changed the spirit of the story too much (it's pretty much the same thing you did before), so I'm almost asking why you decided to make that story end in such a simple way.

***

When it comes to the struggle of Typewriter to finish her story, I just miss a hint before the:

"Do, it's OK. I'm just sad that I haven't finished my story yet."

The key point in my eyes is there:

Typewriter leaned back in her chair and blew part of her mane out of her face.

Typewriter has just stopped writing, but nothing shows she isn't finished. In fact, her story could stop there and still be considered as complete. Something in the line of a "She couldn't find a good ending..." could help the reader understand what is at stake. Also, wouldn't it possible to show a bit of a struggle to write in the parts before that? She always seem to know exactly what to write, but it would be possible to make her hesitate at some point or think that what she has written isn't the best, but would have to do for now, or something similar. It would emphasize the struggle in order to foreshadow the ending.
And of course, make Typewriter ask Do for help (even if in a very subbtle way) the first time they both speak together would be a easy way to hint to the resolution.

***

As for the relationship between Typewriter and Daring Do... I haven't got anything to really discuss. I'm just curious to know if:

"OK, sis. Whatever."

This is a casual response a sister would give. Seems kinda mean, but as I'm not an english speaker, it's kind of hard for me to feel such nuances.

***

As I said, I made that comment because I wanted to discuss a few points, but the whole atmosphere of the story is very simple, very warm and quiet, which I enjoy. One of my favorite stories is in that tone and I appreciate it. I'm not sure anything I propose would really make the story better in any way.

Keep on having fun ^^.

[MixMassBasher]

This is cute