Discord to the Power of Pi (e)

Pinkie Pie: as a bearer of the element of laughter, Pinkie is always on the jovial journey to perk-up ponies post-haste. But when Discord wants to tag-along with Pinkie foalsitting, Pinkie now has to be serious to understand one of the defining meaning about being respondsible.

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TheFanficFanPony

TheFanficFanPony #1 · Jan 19th, 2015 · · ·

The perspective this story is written from is somewhat irregular, but good overall.

LiterarySerenity

LiterarySerenity #2 · Jan 19th, 2015 · · ·

The thought of Discord and Pinkie Pie taking care of Pumpkin Cake and Pound Cake is interesting, although I could make a few suggestions for improvement. One of them would be to try and keep the actions of each character paired with his/her dialogue. For instance, in this case:

"Discord looks nervous and he looks to Pinkie frantically and then she exclaims

'Nobody panic! Discord watch them while I get some flour!' Then Discord says

'Flour! Why would you need flour?' As Pinkie runs out the room and returns. Pinkie then dumps flour on herself and the foals giggle and are cooperative for their care."

When Pinkie Pie makes her exclamation, place that information right after her dialogue--and then do the same with Discord's speech tag. Keeping these, and the actions, with the appropriate characters will make it easier to follow the flow of your story.

I hope that helps!

Art Luckyman

Art Luckyman #3 · Jan 19th, 2015 · 1 · ·

5524823 Yeah! *rubs hoof on back of mane* one of the things I'm still learning is formatting dialogue.

Limescale

Limescale #4 · Jan 20th, 2015 · · ·

I'm sensing a bit of a Dr. Seuss motif here, which made for a cute read. Seemed a bit erratic in parts where you started rhyming the subsequent sentences, then stopped for a paragraph, then started again. Bit more consistency would've helped there, but still I enjoyed this.

Art Luckyman