- Member Since 17th Dec, 2014
- offline last seen Oct 12th, 2023
Lord Midnight
I am the one who will shower the world in ponies and show all eternity to be in truth a single second within the wrath of time!
Lord Midnight
Joined 17th Dec, 2014 ·
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I don't know who is going to be in this story.
I don't know what is going on in this story.
I don't know where this story is going.
I don't know when this story will be next updated.
I don't know how this story is going to end.
I DO know that I can't wait to find out!
Consider yourself liked and faved!
Well... This has some potential, but is lacking quite a bit. It reads like the protagonist was asked what he did today at the dinner table. The pacing is just awful. I get that you wanted to get to the ponies, but this chapter just fired off as if it as recapping what happened in an entire story and this is it's prequel. It doesn't tell us anything about the main character, his power, why we should care about what happened to him, or even what happened to him. You fit what should have been 15-20k words into less than 5k. Honestly, I would suggest a complete redo, writing two or three chapters worth of his life before his death.
5616287 you know what...what he said
5616939
Firstly, we would like to thank you for your feedback. However, the reason it seems rushed is that the majority of the prologue was happening all in one scene. Wolf had been reminiscing, and rethinking everything that had happened in his past as he waited for the scent of his adversaries. This is why most of the background information is in past-tense while everything from the attack and forward is in present tense. So it isn't that we were rushing it so much as Wolf's background doesn't need too much information, currently. We have no need for too much filler, and we only wanted to convey the basics of his power so we can reference it throughout the chapters. (Unlike some fics, which dive straight into Equestria and come out with, "Oh, and I have this random power, too!")
My final two points we would like to make are that too many chapters of human world would detract from the MLP side of the story and put far too much focus on being a science fiction book. And lastly, we already had enough problems getting this prologue through moderation. Unfortunately, though we said it would be HiE, and we referenced different realities, the moderator was not thrilled that the prologue initially had nothing to do with Equestria. Which was understandable of course, but imagine if they had had to skim through 3-4 chapters of it. Thankfully, moderator was ever so generous as to agree to let it slide after we added those few paragraphs with Luna after the story was rejected a second time for the same reason.
To sum this up, we are sorry that you would have preferred to hear more details about Wolf's past. If we have more people who wish for the same thing, perhaps we could write a prequel book somewhere off-site (as it would not be pony-related at that point.) Thank you so much for reading and providing feedback, and we hope you enjoy the chapters that are yet to come!
First of all I'm just putting my money on that Discord is related to Mystery in someway.
Second to get more backstory on Wolf why not let us find out along side the ponies?
Third you have another like and fav
5617395 Then you should probably let us know he's reminiscing, not just change tense. Have a scene at the very beginning with him tracking them, or something. If people know he's reminiscing, the rushed feel would be more understandable.
5617951
Thank you so much, that is actually a great idea! I will get right on working on that. :)
5618671 Happy to help
5617524 First. Maybe so, maybe not, maybe she's his mother, maybe he's her pet potato salad. Maybe all are true and I'll never even touch on it! LOL
Second. I'm saying it now but It's because Wolf lies. A lot. He wouldn't tell the full truth about it because he doesn't want anypony to know just how much of a monster he is.
Third thanks that means a lot.
5616939 Um kinda forgot to mention it but Wolf is actually a crossover from an unpublished book of mine. So your actually right about the prologue seeming like a recap. It was supposed to be, then Pinkie came in glomped me and promised me a cupcake if I made it into a FIMfic instead. Still waiting on the cupcake. ;P
5618722 I want that unfinished story
5618722 Oh yeah. Dash said she was going to help... I haven't seen her since...
5618751 It's not typed up currently. After I type it up and edit it I'll put a link to the gdoc.
Interesting start, not bad. Tracking to see how you are gonna spin this.
I'm interested in a few questions in my head saying "will he have a pony form? And if so, which of the 3 (possibly 4 if you decide the rare kind of pony) will he be? "
BEFORE PEOPLE SAY THEY HATE THIS IDEA, IM NOT SAYING A PERMANENT PONY FORM, IM SAYING THAT IT WORKS LIKE HIS WOLF FORM, BUT ANYTIME!!!
"Human to pony back to human and etc." THAT is what I mean...
I'm not a fan of permanent pony transforming either...unless it happens for the ending chapter or 2.
There's only one fic I like that turns a human into a pony permanently at the start...
5625518Thanks. :D I'm going to spin it wieird places and try and balence the darkness of what must be done with the light of what shouldn't be done. (Yes Pinkie I'm looking at you -_- Stop breaking free of my writing and doing insane things.) no pony transformations, technically (He will use a magical illusion sort of thing that Discord make him so he can look like a pony for a reason we shan't spoils). however there are actually 8 pony forms in my story. Earth, unicorn, pegasus, alicorn, againap, moonicorn, thestral and last but not least, the currently unnamed and theoretical night pony alicorn. Wolf is naturally nocturnal to some degree so it's important to remember that the night ponies will be seen a lot and covered in detail.
5625552
I register some of those as sub versions of earth, Pegasi, or unicorn (respectively of course) .
spunds interesting and different compared to the usual that I see. Hopefully the actual parts will keep true to that.
:
Many have said that...and failed...
Also...againap??? Never heard that one...
5625620 luckily for you I'm insane so even in my most uninspired I'm barely in the realm of conceivable. Againap are the night pony version of earth ponies. No wings or horns, however, they possess shadow magics, between being able to cast areas of darkness to being able to manifest shadow blades that slice there targets.
Guess who shall be editing chapter 1 tonight?
DAT editor note though will admit lol!
5659644 Velvet doesn't hold any punches. Literally or figuratively. She used both after editing this chapter.
5659757 grammar nazies are.tough some enjoy it though hahaha
5659772 It's worse than a grammar nazi. She's a grammar Sayain. Picture Goku charging up a Kamehameha and going "O. K. A. Y! OKAY?" and blasting in the face with it
5659783 Hehehe
A bit choppy, but interesting enough. I'll give it another chapter or two for me to decide on this.
Ok, got to the part where Moon Light is being healed. Here's my criticism:
Your characters are too stiff. They all act like they have boards strapped to their backs. Both in action and in speech. Also, your events are so choppy that your transitions are next to non-existent. The grammar is technically correct, but there isn't much of a "flow" to this story. It hurts to read this. I feel like every sentence and paragraph are jarringly different from the previous one. This is all in addition to the very Gary Stu-ish main character you've got. Human with magic? Fine. Human with the highest magic in his/her world and super bad-ass? Not good unless you're intentionally making fun of the genre. Most of the events seem like they were just convenient in order to force the story in a certain direction. There isn't a natural flow or even a decent suspension of disbelief.
With that in mind, I wish you the best in your pursuits.
5667594 The flow is choppy? interesting, that's actually a first.
As for Wolf being a Gary Stu, not exactly. The point of the story is Wolf used to be the strongest(in his mind at least), and now he's in a world where he's at best just good. His relative power level at the moment is somewhere around Twilight and Dash working together could take him out. He will get a bit stronger over time, but he would win a legit fight against them because unlike the ponies he has one advantage. Bloodlust and moral disconnect.
Either way his combat abilities aren't really much of an important aspect to the story. This story is tagged sex, romance and comedy for a reason.
wow. really well paced. for a story to go through this much detail in only 4k words... you might just be on par with the twisted spectrum in terms of writing quality. I really enjoyed this chapter, the imagery that came with every word was beautiful. and not a single aspect pointed him as over powered. the fact that he was born with these powers, honed them and trained himself... it was very well written. I applaud you sir/ma'am. thank you for allowing me the pleasure to read this chapter. I will now continue on to read the next chapter. good day and i bid you adieu. *bows before exiting*
5685719 I am a sir, as for my writing it's complicated to explain. I'm not directing the stories. This is actually happening and I'm just recording the events, kinda. Thank you for the compliment hope your looking forwards to the next 70 odd chapters. I'm working the story like this. Welcome to Canterlot arc, Blackened Souls arc, Retirement arc(Poor Wolf what have you done
) and so on. I've got the first arc written except for the last chapter of it. in all it's current 65k word glory.
Pretty decent story with an interesting set-up.
I do believe that it is just a tad fast paced and could benefit from slowing down just a bit. Still gets a fav and like outta me anyway.
5687474 I noticed that too actually. I'm going to be slowing down a tad with the next chapters. BTW if everypony wants updates send VelvetDash PMs saying "Please ma'am can I has some moar?" I've got ten chapters written in this story alone and anouther two with at least five each. Sooo literally the only thing between everyone and there next fix is waiting for my pathetic exscuse for grammer to be taken out and shot by Velvet, whenever she feels like it.
5685850
*twilight starry eyes* 65k words... oooooooh.... aahhhhh! i cannot wait
fc04.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2013/127/1/3/thor_and_mlp_meme_for_fimfic_by_ponpheonix-d64fsvg.jpg
predator/pony (bat pony thestrals same thing) love it proceed with more
It's extremely rare for such a new story with so few chapters to make it into my favorites. Bravo!
5685719 You are in luck! I have just posted Chapter 2. I hope you don't get scared away by a certain aspect, though, as I know many do not agree with part of it. (Which I complain about, myself, in the Editor's Notes.) And thank you very much for the support! Coyote comes up with the ideas, but I pride myself with adding extra descriptors to make the story flow better and produce better imagery. We make a good team, even though I reem him out in my note section.
- Velvet Dash
Love the update!
Seems that Luna may want a piece of that pie now. Nice to see that she's at least progressing a bit slower in that regard if so.
Also really like the idea with the changeling theatre, especially if Discord is involved.
5790885 Testing testing, is this thing on? Awesome! Okie Dokie Lokie, glad you liked the update, now it's my job to do the little spoilers soooooo... Crap he's coming, all I can say is Chapter 7, look forward to it, though it won't be what you expect.
Getting bit during sex
YES!
I really like the way you introduced the magical system and the concept of cosmic limiters.
Definitely looking forward!
Just amazing! that's all I can say about this so far. Good plot *wink* *wink*, and the overall phase is just right. Not to fast and not to slow, because I might end up falling asleep during the best parts.
Anyway! I'll look forward to the next chapter and how the play is going to work out.
Oh I see my ride is here. *jumps into the tardis* Alright Doc off we go, Alonsy!!!
5791720
5792879 Cosmic limiters play a double role in the story, first is Wolf's weaknesses. Second is they are a means of controlling my characters. For example Wolf is afraid of the color pink so he keeps his hands off of Pinkie Pie. This is kinda the opposite of a self-insert story. To be perfectly honest if I met Wolf I would hate him. His thread was just too interesting not to write down though. No limiters work on Discord, Pinkie Pie, Twilight or Luna though. I can't manipulate their actions at all, simply record them in silent horror.
5793316 Lucky you get to read Chapter 14 and I havn't even finished writing it yet. Well don't spoil it for me, I can't wait to see how this turns out either. Anyways, thanks and I hope I keep being up to par!
0_0 100 likes All I can say is you guys are awesome and thank you very much.
5818348 you are welcome mortal perhaps when I destroy this world ill let you live so you can entertain me with stories of ponies.
seriously though this is a great story.
5818348
Treat him with all the respect you would show an ambassador from the griffins. He’s a nice guy, but still capable of being absolutely monstrous”
5842781 Forgive me, but I can't see the difference between the two. Always been bad at that kinda thing. I can tell that there is a difference, but can't figure out. what or where. Would you mind pointing it out more clearly?
5845033 The difference is in "monstruos".It should be spelled like monstrous.Just switch the u and o.
5845040 Ah. Gotcha thanks. I'm on it!
When will chapter 3 be out? I cant wait for it any longer :D lol
5852770 Ok, so my editor is feeling better, so I just need to bribe Velvet with some ice cream or Chinese and we will get chapter 3