Since Luna's return some of Equestria's rival nations have felt threatened by the extra goddess now ruling along side Celestia. Many of them don't respect her or even listen to what she says and a few have even chosen to remove her from power, whether through political machination or assassination. This newest assassin though, he is different and the longer he stays and the more he tries to end Luna the more Luna discovers about him. For the assassin Luna presents something to him he has never encountered before and it causes something in him to change the more times he tries.
Chapters (2)
This is both an interesting concept and excellently written too bad it's just a one-shot
Good job! A very nice story indeed. What I think is you should do a sequel. But hey, I'm just an anonymous person on the interwebz that may be halfway cross the world. What do I know?
That this was incredibly cute and unique and needs a sequelCertainly a better outcome than "To Kill Your Lover".
Very nice... A few typos here and there, but the concept and plot were excellent. You kept it simple, sweet, and thoroughly enjoyable. There are few one-shots that make me this satisfied. As far as sequels go, only do it if you think you can pull it off. The nature of this particular plot allowed it to be a one-shot, which is exactly what it needed to be. However, I am not entirely sure it is possible to preserve this quality if you were to continue the story. Thanks for the read, and have a goodnight. :)
This story is bucking amazing. My eyes were watering towards the end which is a feat in of itself. My eyes have watered only for two other story and have literally cried only for one. So to you I say bravo and please leave this as a one shot I would hate to see it ruined by making last longer.
Wow.
I like the concept of an alien assassin.
6147962 I don't find it rude at all, I used an old trope. It's a cliche and I won't deny it but the thing with a cliche is that it survived because it works or is popular. Using a trope or a cliche isn't a bad thing its all about you approach it and use it.
6148878 well to each their own. I tried to insinuate that there is a lot of interaction between them we don't see, mostly them talking but if you don't think I did it well that's okay
BULLSHIT!! Long lived, possibly immortal? Yes. Knowledgeable in Equestrian Magic? Absolutely. Gods? Bullshit. The only reason we ever theorized that they were god-like is that they raise the sun and moon. But, lest we forget(which everyone else seems to), mortal unicorns previously raised the sun and moon before they took over. And we don't have any reason to believe that it took a large group of them. Not to mention, you assume their sun is the size of our sun, which we also have no reason to believe. If it was our sun, it would not need to be raised. Our universe's rules simply don't apply. Only logic. And they clearly do not raise is by telekinesis. If they did, they would possess far more power than they have ever even begun to demonstrate. And Celestia - whom we believe to be the most powerful alicorn - was defeated by Chrysalis, in moments. And no, we do not have any reason to believe she was holding back. If anything, we only have reason to believe that she wasn't holding back. Chrysalis was empowered by Shining's love for Cadence? Sure, but one mortal, especially a mortal maintaining a city-wide force field - is not gonna let a bug defeat a god.
Sequel......now.
6149113 I agree with Dragonlover on this one, albeit in a different way.
should really be revised to
to fit more closely with the canon. Luna and Celestia are ageless, not immortal. There is a difference.
Also, I noticed a lot of to/too errors you might want to have your editor/proofreader look at. Or I can send them to you in a PM.
That Title...
i.imgur.com/EvuoOxL.png
I swear i'm just gonna keep that picture on hand for any eventuality.
Fantastic innit.
It's... a bit underwhelming, and there doesn't feel like there is enough driving force behind it, to be perfectly blunt and honest about it. I've seen and read situations where the one person continues to make attempts on the other's life, and it turns into an almost playful mockery that turns into a relationship. While, yes, it can be appealing, it just feels like here it fell short. For starters, it seems a situation that just shouldn't happen in the first place. It also feels rather faked, I mean, there's a difference between trying to imply things happen between scenes, and giving solid hints that things are indeed happening between scenes. It reads as a somewhat contrived manner to bring this odd human (who is somehow the best assassin sent after her, if I read it right? Really? A human would make for a pathetic assassin compared to other races in Equestria.) together with Luna.
It reads decently enough, and only has some minor grammatical errors in it, but it's nothing to write home about or spread amongst others. It's just too much for us, as readers, to simply accept that one could form a relationship like this with the scenario you posited here. Just... it doesn't work or read well here.
6149292 I'm glad the fandom isn't completely made of unobservant fools.
6150348 hmm, I certainly don't disagree or really agree. It is certainly something worth considering in the future though.
6150487
It's just my opinion. The whole killer romancing the target is just... hard to pull off, really. It takes a massive amount of planning to make it work. For example, one such movie is Wild Target, while it's not the perfect example for what you tried writing here, it is rather close. It's just a really hard cliche to pull off properly, and it just doesn't feel right here.
But hey, others might disagree with me. And, writing is better than not writing at all.
6151037 I agree it was truly difficult to do, and I like what came out but your opinions are valid. I might have been able to do more with it but I'm not writing to please all, it's just nice when it does make others happy. I write because I have ideas I wish to share and to hone my craft in hopes that one day maybe I can write a story like this even better than it is now.
I have to agree with many of the people commenting down here. It was an excellent story, given the difficulty of writing the subject, but I still found that there was something in it that was lacking somehow.
For me I think it was the emotional connection between the two. While it was implied that they had more than a few meetings, and they both had felt something for each other, it still came off as... detached? Impersonal? It didn't quite have the body of a "Romancing the Killer" type of story.
But these are just my notes, and I still believe you spun a wonderful tale. Thank you.
Sequel?
6153073 6149141 6146776 6146589
I make no promises to any of you but due to my mild agreement to many of the others I might add an epilogue at some future undisclosed date. I have other things in the works currently so it will probably be a while but I am going to ATTEMPT an epilogue to assuage some of the arisen issue. Please don't take this as a promise it is only a possibility for now because while it has issues I am rather fond of the current work.
6153125 And I don't ask for more. It really does deserve that small disclosure epilogue.
6153125 okey
I like the concept.
I don't think an epilogue would do this story much good, as it would create areas for readers to poke holes in the plot.
I have a few issues with your description.
Think you mean whether.
I find his reactions to the gryphons rather restrained. I thought that he would go through the gryphons upper echelon, as my father would have said like. "Sh--t through a tin horn".
6158672 tis quicker to cut off the head then destroy the body
Fuckin' reasons maybe? Maybe Luna would lie to arrange what would a contrived assassination attempt on his former employers, except that he is apparently the perfect assassin and that makes him an honestly valuable weapon to turn on the griffins?
Maybe just to make him stop shoving sharp things in your flesh?
Maybe because getting in someone's good graces and clearing your name is always a good thing and maybe because he is more likely to stick his sponge rock mushroom in your baby shooter if he thinks you didn't kill his family indirectly? Luna even having information about who actually killed his family is doubtful. He has no reason at all to trust her word based on the information we have.
Your princes fell in love based on a few exchanges of pleasantries followed by methodical mauling. "Oh, celestia, I know he punctured me 23 times but he said good morning in a highly professional and stilted manner, the kind used for formal conversation, and drugged my tea with pain killers! He could have murdered me so much worse<3, or even called me names! </3"
I get that people don't always fall in love with the person in their life who happens to provide the most tame and pleasant conversation, but there has to be someone else who has manners when they speak to her and then doesn't stab her. However, despite being silly, this is what you wrote, so it must be what actually happened. Lets say that luna just became highly chemically infatuated the moment she saw him and didn't realize it. We have to assume that both luna basically is immune to pain by our standards and she has absolutely no fear of death. These things have to be true enough that the fear and pain does not even register when measured against her infatuation and did not become associated with him, since there was no fear or pain. From there, it makes sense that she would just keep falling deeper in love, since his perfectly average conversation would be interpreted as positive reinforcement by the infatuated luna. All this leaves us with a very complex luna who you did not explore at all, despite this being a story about how she feels and how those feelings free a killer. We don't know why or how luna has become the way she is, and it isn't even mentioned. We all have to make assumptions based on our own understanding before we can even know what what she has become. She is important to your story and you just sort of avoid her inner workings.
Also, there is no reason for the man to think the ponies killed his family. He just kind of assumed the innocent one was the one who chased the other away from his boy. He judged the pony as guilty because it was the weaker one, and he wants to believe that he saw the wicked one who harmed he sun get punished. Thus, she assumed the weak were also wicked and he never second guessed it. Also, if that is the case, how did the griffins even see his combat ability before they killed him just like they killed his family? If they attacked him and he beat them all back, why did he subsequently trust them? Did some third party kill his family? Is the griffin kind dead and innocent?
Your human(?)'s motivation is non-sense, Luna's mental problems are not resolved or discussed or examined, dramatic convenience constantly makes probability it's bitch, your romance is naturally worrisome but here it causes me to feel icky because it is built on a Luna valuing "hello" more then staying in one piece which implies her life is some sort of tragedy.
Wow, did not expect a heavy hitting chapter two. Dang
Kudos on another good chapter
Woah. This sequel came out of nowhere. Is this really completed, or can we expect more chapters in the future?
I wouldn't mind seeing what adventures they will have in Ponyville.
Is this going to be extended even more? I didn't expect this to go even this far to be honest.
:O There's moar to this story?!?
...
EXCELLENT!
WORDS FOR THE WORD GOD!
BOOKS FOR THE BOOK THRONE!
6177198 it is done, I just wanted to plug a few holes and what not.
This was beautiful. Thank you.
And here I was, thinking you couldn't improve on this piece of art
Would I be remiss if there was a sequel to all of this? Of course not. However, that being said I don't know what could be added to this piece as it seems to be almost perfect exactly where it is.
Kudos to you my dear author Silver Scrolls.
I think we can all agree Gale is the shittiest assassin ever.
I am just thinking maybe when he goes to Ponyville Twilight might give him his arm back or something magical
BUT this was a well written story hope for more in the future
Good luck
You jerk! Not only is the ending different, but there are TWO chapters!? I'm lucky I decided to look at your profile... jerk...
6640073 I like to surprise people, all the time, what can I say
Dude... I cant get enough of your profile pic... lol.
Funny photo aside, nicely done Silver, this chapter isn't what I expected it to be, or what I expected it would be. It flows perfectly with the events of the first chapter, and it also gives a new light; primarily Celestia looking out for her little sister by having 'the talk' with Gale. I honestly expected this chapter to be something along the lines of Luna and Gale getting to know each other a little better, but no, you instead have it where Celestia is questioning Gale, and about the relationship between Luna and himself of all things. Gale's answers also weren't expected, but they were perfect.
A good ending, for an even better story.
I'm glad you wrote this.
This is the fourth or fifth time I have read this story. Still one of my favorites.
9348832
Lmfao! 6 downvotes!? I love it!
I read this story back before it was updated to fimfiction, I loved it so much, I had to ask Silver about it A few times. Even after how much I enjoyed the story, he never alerted me of the alternative ending, nor the fact that he had added an additional chapter (at the time I made the comment). I wasn't alerted in any way, despite my great interest in this story.
Now, how about you leave an actual review on what you thought about this story. I personally told him outside of fimfiction what I thought about it, now, your turn.
@silver. Sorry you got 2 pointless pings bud... I will chat with you tonight when I wake up!
I saw alot of hate comments i like the story overall but maybe check on the grammar other than that i like the story thanks for writing it it gives me inspier to make my oc an assasin to for good cause not killing for fun of course
You know, even now, I would still not be as accepting of the death of my family as this person is, and I hate them!