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Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon are banished to another world entirely, where they will have to use their wits to survive. With no money and no support, what are they to do? At least Pinkie Pie's on the way! Ponyfinder/MLP Crossover
Based on the events of The Apple Falls Far From the Tree but not requiring reading it to get right into things, as the characters involved have as little clue as you might as to why things are happening, they just are, and must deal with it.
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AJ's reaction seems totally overblown, and more than a little unnecessarily bloodthirsty. But then, you don't have the story without it, so... there's that. Otherwise seems like we're off to an interesting start.
6161938 She was under the malign influence of an artifact bestowed upon her by a Lawful Evil god of control and tyranny. What bothers you should be brought under heel, or gotten rid of. It's for the greater good in the end, or so she says.
6161953
Got it. I hadn't read the previous story, so didn't know. Is an author's note called for? Your call. As a sequel, it's natural to be missing stuff if you don't read the previous stories.
I suggest substituting "suffered" since she wasn't consciously toughing it out.
"all over Diamond Tiara's pretty pink fur" would be a stronger construction.
Oh, good. More free lore for me to
exploitstudy.oddly-shaped
Does that mean they stayed in their Equestrian form?
Holy sh--! You just went all Fallout on those kids. The ghost seemed so nice a minute ago. That's a heavy dose of perspective. I am not objecting, per se, but this is a somewhat different tone than the other two stories in the series. On the other hand, this might be just what those fillies need to grow them up in a hurry.
The reaction to it was well done. You conveyed a believable amount of fear and horror and showcased the difference in their personalities.
Your meaning would be more clear if you said something like, "They had apparently spent the entire night in the hut; the sun was high..."
Kids can't see cute. They try to look impressive or beautiful, but you can only appreciate cuteness in creatures smaller or younger than yourself.
Is the main room lower than outside?
You're abusing "like" just a bit. SS doesn't use it all that much in the show, and people that do use it a lot wouldn't use it there.
6165242 Fixed, and meant outside the common room, still on the second floor. Then she went down to the first floor main room. Adjusted to make that more clear.
Chugging a cold drink on an empty stomach after exercising can be quite dangerous, especially to horses. Considering the low alcohol content of beer, it's lucky DT is an easy drunk or she could have hurt herself badly.
6165216 Many adjustments made, thanks!
6165264 Actual horses have low constitution scores if one considers how easy it is to hurt one even unintentionally or to themselves. Fortunately ponies are made of tougher stuff! And she got drunk enough for Silver Spoon to intervene.
Assuming that's the local version of Robin Hood, then the name should be capitalized.
There are two spaces between "the" and "soles."
6165216
I disagree with this, as this opinion is more than a guideline, rather than an inarguable fact.
As it stands, I'm not sure I would have kept that line anyway, simply because it's hard to imagine Diamond Tiara being nice, but that's something of a hurdle that we're going to have to overcome anyway, as having the spotlight for this fic means that we're going to have to see them in more phases of mood.
6166945 Fixed!
So Diamond and Silver rest under the auspices of what seems like a kindly old ghost...only to see firsthand how it treats those that aren't little girls, sending them screaming back out into the cold.
Looking back over this chapter, what I'm struck most by is how little this encounter seems to contribute to the setup for the story as a whole, and I'm struggling to figure out why that is. To put it another way, this encounter with the haunted cabin seems like an isolated incident, at least taken unto itself, that has little impact on the larger story, and that rubs me the wrong way. Of course, Diamond Tiara was essentially "singing for their supper" by telling the tale, so it wasn't entirely pointless, but I do hope that the fallout from that encounter has more to it than just that (e.g. someone knew the missing griffon that was butchered, and wants them to lead the way back to the cabin).
I say that because narratively, a story is stronger if events happen in a sequence, with each one simultaneously being the effect of the previous encounter as well as the cause of the next one. This is a guideline, rather than a rule (everything doesn't need to be a direct consequence of what happened immediately before) but it's more expected during the beginning of a story, when everything is being setup for the narrative structure that is to follow. It might be good world-building to talk about how this area has a haunted cabin, but it's poor storytelling to have the characters stumble upon it, leave screaming, and then never return or speak of it again. Without a resolution, we can only assume that that plot-thread is still ongoing. If it has no greater impact, then it feels pointless.
Aside from that, the sudden change in tone here was gripping. The gory tenor caught me off-guard, despite the tag for this story, and did indeed serve to drive home that the girls aren't in Equestria anymore. Likewise unexpected was that the fillies ended up in the griffon kingdoms as well; that part wasn't something I'd anticipated. As it is, I'm curious as to what this means for their immediate future, since I don't have a very good handle on Everglow's griffons (though I seem to recall them as a gruff-but-noble people). As it is, the pair still don't seem to have realized that they're much further from home than they think, and so haven't started on their personal journeys yet...though the signs are there.
As it is, we are getting a better sense of how Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon relate, though mostly in terms of them falling back into their existing dynamic, something I suspect is simply out of familiarity more than anything else. Even after their fight, the two are falling back into the routine of Diamond being active and Silver being passive, to the point of Diamond calling Silver her servant when they arrived at that inn. Diamond clearly isn't comfortable with any other relationship, not just with Silver Spoon but with everyone; she quite clearly needs near-constant affirmation that she's worthwhile, and the only way she knows to get that is by making it clear that others are beneath her.
Silver Spoon, by contrast, seems entirely comfortable with who she is; that isn't to say that she's not selfish and self-indulgent, but she doesn't seem to have the self-esteem issues that Diamond Tiara has. Rather, I think that Silver Spoon's self-indulgence is her most defining characteristic. I see her as not caring about much else so long as she's pampered and enjoying the finer things in life, whether alone or with others. For her, being rich - and therefore comfortable - is an end unto itself. Diamond Tiara, by contrast, treats her money as another example of how she's better than everyone else.
Presuming I'm right about the two, that will make for an interesting tale of them adapting to harsher circumstances. Diamond Tiara is going to need to come to grips that she's not only not better than everybody, but in this world where strength is the most important thing, she's at the absolute bottom of the totem pole. Will that knowledge break her, or will she work to overcome her own weakness and make herself into a pony that can forcibly command respect from those around her? More than that, will she find strength enough to convince herself that she's worthwhile, and so won't need to keep picking on everyone around her?
By contrast, how will Silver Spoon react to a life of hardship? Will she hate having to work so much that she'll become more and more unhappy with a life that consists of toil and effort, or will she grow to empathize that others have to live much worse than she normally does, and want to help out?
The girls may be on Everglow now, but they've brought their own demons with them. Let's see if they can overcome them.
Everyone seems to be pointing that out, but so far we have not seen any Everglow ponies for comparison. With the isolated nature of the griffons and more than a dozen native variants of pony, I would think some of the griffons would just assume they were yet another variant. "Meh, whatever. It has hooves, must be a pony."
Funny-looking
There's a bit of a logical disconnect here. If he had heard their story at the inn, he would have already suspected them of foul play. Since he doesn't know that story, he doesn't know that Bright Feather is dead, meaning he should just suspect them of theft, not murder. Or maybe he's just jumping to conclusions; he does seem pretty gullible and a little dim.
it didn't bend much
bear
It seems the griffons have a Viking/Klingon sort of religion, where you have to die in a cool way to go to the happy place.
Are you making a deliberate association between the animals used to make a griffon and their personalities? i.e. is Bright Feather's widow clever because she's part raven?
6167141 Fixed, and their manner of life also weighs in on it. A griffon that did cool things in life will be measured well, as will one that died in a fitting way. A griffon that lived quietly and did nothing of importance can be denied access to the eternal nesting grounds.
Griffon parts do influence them. A raven's head makes her a clever griffon, while the snow leopard was one of the bigger tribes of griffons. It's all detailed in the Griffons of Everglow book, available now for only $9.99! Act now while supplies last!
6167180 Haha, already have one.
6167180
It's a good thing ponies don't work that way, or the shortlegs would be vicious little turkeys.
6167200 Some of my players adore playing viciously adorable little short leg fighters/barbarians.
All of your chapter lengths are within 60 words of each other. How are you doing that? Are you counting words or are all of your thoughts exactly 2070 words long?
6167028 They have quite a bit of adjusting to do, and, to make it clear, that was not the end of the cabin massacre. Do read on!
6167256 I type a lot, then check how far I am, nope, not 2000, more words. Nope, not 2000, MORE WORDS, ooooo, 19something, let's wrap up! Done.
before I even start the story.
got to love the art work.
Harts Fire
Whelp. Pinkie Pie certainly didn't windup being with them, now was she? Makes me wonder where the party pink planner got sent to.
Good thing they weren't colts. Yeesh. That yuki ona does one heck of a number on males. She's so sexist!
Gotta say, loving miss Silver Arrow there. But darn if little miss "Has to have the last word" didn't get them into some unneeded trouble.
Good thing Diamond has her business sense about her, lot of good that does one though when your best friend stuck trotting around with a dead griffon's bow. Also, Diamond is so adorable when she's drunk. All her little pretenses just shatter upon getting some hard cider in her system it seems. ;P
Whelp. Great story so far, and so many updates in such a short amount of time. Looks like I found myself another story worth tracking. Loved the first story. CMC paced pretty well in that. And of course, nice to see where these two landed of course.
6167542 Welcome aboard! I'll try to keep it interesting. It was the ghost's active decision to not bring down her wrath on the little foals. Whatever bound her to her lamentable position, it wasn't a pair of little pony fillies, and she spared them, but such mercies do not extend to others.
So now we get to see what happened to Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon when Applejack banished them to Everglow. Right away, things are off to an inauspicious start. Will the two fillies survive in a world where they're the smallest of fish in a much bigger, deadlier pond?
Using the same text word-for-word from the scene in the previous story where they were banished was a good way to start things off. While it doesn't provide context for how the setup got that way to begin with, I feel that that's an appropriate choice for two reasons. The first is that, while the summary for the story says that you don't need to have read The Apple Falls Far From the Tree to get into this, the start of this chapter makes it very clear that the setup is predicated on the reader having done just that. Now, to be fair, that's only with regards to the initial premise (e.g. "how did this all start?") - after that, the issue of why this has happened becomes less important than the fact that it's happening at all.
And really, that's the second reason why I feel that this opening works. It's very abrupt, and can be confusing if you haven't read the previous story...but that plays into the characterization of Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon here. They, just like the readers, are thrown into an unknown situation with no advance warning or preparation. Having no background actually helps the character immersion here, and the story plays that to its advantage by focusing on immediate questions of survival, rather than existential questions of what happened, where are they, and how do they get home.
I had slightly mixed feelings with regards to how quickly Diamond and Silver descended into a fight once they arrived on Everglow. To my mind, that would have happened after their frustration and anger had reached its boiling point - that is to say, when the realized that things were very bad, and that there wasn't anything they could do about it - rather than happening immediately. I do think that's how the fight would have played out, certainly, but conflicts between the main characters are usually done to give us greater insight into their relationship dynamic; those fights are supposed to be preludes to either a true falling out, or (more usually) a strengthening of bonds as they spend time apart and examine what they mean to each other.
To put it another way, that sequence was true to their characters for how it went, but it felt odd that they went there quite so fast. That's mostly a minor complaint, but it's worth bringing up. The issue over Diamond being at fault for what's happened to them is a salient point that should be delved into more later on.
As it is, they quickly make up and find themselves facing not just the cold weather, but also a hungry wolf. Leaving aside that it was a literal lone wolf (most wolves are pack animals), they were very lucky to walk away from that with no injuries. I'm tempted to say that they were able to escape the danger a little too easily, but in this case I can recognize the problems with constructing that scene. Specifically, the intent was to highlight that there are far worse things to worry about than the weather, but given that Diamond and Silver are so young and so weak, it's hard to have them encounter any kind of enemy that wouldn't immediately wipe them out. As such, I can see a little hand-waving happening with regards to two little, untrained fillies fighting off a big bad wolf on their own.
That they found a mountain cabin was fortuitous, but at the same time rather eerie. That it's apparently got a fire burning despite no one being there is a red flag for all sorts of spooky stories, something that only got worse with the rotten preserves that they found. Of course, the disembodied voice sort of makes the point more obvious. When your only choices are a snowy mountain and a haunted cabin, which is worse?
Having said that, this brings us to the final aspect of the story that I wanted to mention: the artwork.
Right away, I should mention that the picture of Diamond and Silver having their spat is quite well-done. I don't know anything about the technical aspects of art, but the picture has a sort of "soft," almost watercolor, aspect to how its drawn that makes it seem almost like a portrait. Also, the little details - such as the tears in their eyes or the hoofprints on their faces - are quite amusing to note, since they aren't obvious at a glance (especially in the smaller version of the picture).
Having said all of that...I was momentarily uncertain if that was a picture of them fighting, or about to have sex. On closer inspection, it was fairly obvious that it was the former and not the latter, and yet looking it over again, there seems to be an undeniably erotic undertone to the picture (though I fear that says more about me than it does about the artwork). Their positioning, the level of detail given to the anatomical depiction of their hindquarters...by itself, this picture does seem to be suggesting that their fight is going to end in them kissing. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, but I can't help but wonder if this picture is sending an unintended message regarding the tenor of this fic (for what it's worth, I've always thought that Silver Spoon might have had a bit of a thing for Diamond Tiara, though I see Diamond as being staunchly heterosexual).
I should also mention what wasn't here: Pinkie Pie. Readers of the previous story will note that she was sent to Everglow after the fillies, but it's nice that she doesn't show up to save the day here. Letting us see Diamond and Silver on their own is a nice way to let us get to know them more, before circumstances start changing them. It's going to be quite a ride from here on out...
Well, Diamond Tiara is certainly in her element. Silver Spoon, meanwhile, seems to be trying to find a new one, though archery probably isn't it. Not with a high-strength composite bow, anyway.
In any case, given the sherrif's intelligence, I get the feeling that that lumber company is going to see a sharp rise in productivity... unless he pulls an Inspector Javert and decides to incriminate the pair regardless of such minor trifles as evidence. If that's the case, they're going to want to leave as quickly as possible. Still, I've heard worse starts for adventurers.
6167623 Diamond Tiara is trying to be in her element, and make her daddy proud. She's bluffing a lot.
So excited, I have been waiting for this story from the moment AJ shoved them through that portal!
O this is going to be sooooo good
I am seeing changes in the too now and I am really liking the story and I have a feeling this is going to get really good.
I can't wait for Diamond Tiara to take over the lumber guild. Have DT and SS changed their form to Everglow ponies, or do they still look the same?
6169280 They look exactly the same as they did before.
6169302 Well that's weird. Pinkie was sent through in the same manner, I wonder what she will look like...
"To say nothing of" implies that the second is more extreme than the first, so it would flow better as
"You both have the stink of aristocracy, which makes me wonder how you got outside the pony empire in the first place, to say nothing of all the way out in the middle of nowhere."
lumberjack
shook
add a comma "things, have"
I like Dark Streak. She already seems a really useful sort. A raven-headed griffon is probably the easiest to come to a dietary understanding with. It's kind of fun the way her and DT are connecting on an accounting level.
I'm glad you made them do without Pinkie at the start; it's been much more interesting to watch them flounder without an adult. I have to wonder though: where did she end up? It would be hilarious if they end up having to rescue her.
6171679 Fixes applied so Diamond stops glaring at me.
No boss fight? A cursed griffon? Well, every good RPG requires a bit of grinding before any big moments. +1 Party members though, so yay!
6172013 Getting into a drag-down beating in the middle of the town hardly seems constructive.
a 3rd has joined our little group, this may work out in the end.
6172055 As anyone whose ever played Skyrim can attest to. xD
And so Diamond hires herself a Chief Combat Officer. I do love how she's forcing a corporate metaphor on her interactions. It's how she sees the world.
Silver, meanwhile, argues from destiny, an interesting way of looking at things. I look forward to seeing her develop, inasmuch as she can while remaining Diamond's lackey.
And Dark Streak? Well, hopefully she can keep those ridiculous marshmallow fillies alive long enough for a certain party pony to find them. Though if she thinks that will wash her talons of the matter, she has another thing coming.
Several typos. I blame Snow Drift's lax administration abilities:
Starting a chapter with a pronoun is a bad idea. I can determine who's speaking through context, but it's generally better to open with explicit identification, even if you have to call her "the griffon."
Capitalization needed.
Missing word, presumably "got."
6173550 Typos sent to HR.
"Daddy" should be capitalized, since she's using it as a proper name.
Her "distressingly-tangled" mane.
6174285 Typos found guilty of murder!
6174362 This was a good chapter, presenting us with the flip-side to the hardships and horrors that Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon have endured since their arrival. Namely, that they're not only capable of bouncing back, but that they genuinely care about each other and, for all their personal faults, are fast friends. Seeing Diamond Tiara remind herself that Silver Spoon is counting on her, as well as Silver comforting a distraught Diamond, was needed to remind us that that they're not bad ponies, at least not deep down.
It was also good that we got some greater characterization regarding Diamond Tiara's motivation, in terms of why she's so bossy and unpleasant. Being ignored by her father will send a powerful, if unspoken, message to any child that they're not important. This also works since we rarely see anything regarding her father in the source material; the only things that leap to mind are his ordering her to help the Apples make zap-apple juice, and her singing that her dad made her hire Pinkie Pie to plan her cute-ceanera. Of course, it's rather sad that even in their current straits, Diamond's overriding goal is to gain her father's approval...all the more so for the fact that her plan is doomed, since she doesn't realize that she's on another world entirely.
Where this chapter really hit a high note, however, was how well it used this single aspect to characterize Diamond Tiara's positive and negative traits. On the one hoof, her need for approval drives her to be condescending and mean to almost everyone around her. But on the other hoof, it also makes her driven and ambitious, leading her to develop a plan of action instead of drifting aimlessly. This was a very astute way of showcasing that her greatest weakness is also her greatest strength, and vice versa, something which I feel is a very canny insight into her character.
Silver Spoon suffers a little for not having quite the same level of insight granted to her, but I'm less certain of my footing in saying that. Is Silver Spoon given less exposition because the story is ignoring her, or is it because she simply doesn't have the same level of pathos driving her? I'm tempted to say it's the latter interpretation. Silver Spoon is less driven that Diamond Tiara is, to the point where she seems comfortable with herself; at the same time, however, that gives her less inner strength to draw upon when confronted with adversity. When push comes to shove, Silver Spoon seems more like a self-indulgent socialite, whereas Diamond Tiara wants to get out there and actually do something, if only because there's no other way to achieve recognition.
One minor point that should be noted is the confusing blush that Silver Spoon developed when Diamond Tiara drunkenly asked Silver to sleep with her. Was that because she understood the inadvertent double entendre, and if so, was it evidence of some sort of sapphic attraction? Normally I'd presume so, save for the fact that the two of them are so young, and for how I know that the author really doesn't want to go in that direction where children are concerned. Moreover, neither of the pair had a problem bathing together and washing each other. So it's hard to say what, if anything, Silver Spoon's embarrassment was regarding.
Oh, and Silver doesn't say "like" like that.
6174549 Evidence the first: "It's not like being the only pony there without a cutie mark would be, like, the most embarrassing thing ever."
The second: The problem is, I mean, she's like, totally not special.
The defense rests.
Maybe, but it will probably get you resurrected too; it's a good way to make sure you're missed.
She hasn't had an accent up to this point, so I assume that's a typo.
"chased" and "hideous."
extra space
armed
DT is pretty inconsistent in her picture of the model mare. She's worried about refinement, but then she likes the longsword.
With regard to Dark Streak burning down her own house...I'm not buying it. She's pretty sharp and doesn't seem like the type to let her emotions put her in a tight spot. There are several alternatives that make more sense. First, and most obviously, she could have sold it. Even if she sold it at a fraction of its value to make sure it sold quickly, that would give her more money for provisions. Second, if she was trying to fake her own death, she shouldn't have talked to the blacksmith afterwards. Aside from that, if the fire spreads to other buildings, people could die, property will be ruined, and she'll have the law after her in earnest.
can we believe our eyes but id diamond making a friend??
6174754 A child, being inconsistent on what 'cool' is? Say it ain't so! She liked the feel of the longsword, but that doesn't mean it was the most elegant at all, or refined. She just liked the feel. Not that she's a good enough fighter to understand any of it, or use it properly.