Viola, an uptight musician, is questioned by her friends about why she's so talented on instruments, specifically the violin.
After this, she begins to ponder about this, and the result comes out to be something extraordinary.
Rated "Teen" because of somepony's backstory.
This is also my entry for the Poniverse Mascot Summerpalooza Contest.
Also, people who comment, please don't complain about Pixel being an Alicorn. For the contest, they gave us pony descriptions, and Pixel was supposed to be an Alicorn. They didn't want these traits to be changed. So, please, stop.
Chapters (1)
a "Sex" tag is not necessary
"You're pregnant with a filly, Foal
nice story
R63 Octavia confirmed.
6244793
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And thanks for pointing out that typo.
Well, I came for the trade and I really seem to have my work cut out for me with this story.
This story has problems, lots of them, right from the very beginning, heck even your choice of title is a problem, a big one. "Why am I Talented?" comes off as sounding very egotistical, to the point where I have been mentally adding the word "so" into the title without even meaning to. I will be honest, I was unable to finish your story, calling it quits after Octavia's colt crush ran off. You story is full of more cliches than any I have ever encountered before, you've got half a dozen problem characters, characters acting out of character, both unnecessary exposition and summaries, and an overall lack of both characterization and descriptions for just about everything.
I'll start with one of the first problems I came across in your story, an alicorn, and not only that, but an alicorn OC. This is a problem, one that will almost always tell readers that you are both inexperienced and likely don't have a true grasp of your character. Alternate universe or not, alicorn original characters raise red flags and should never be used without very careful consideration and contemplation. When you make such a character they need to be an alicorn because they have not only a deep understanding of themselves, but a deep personal connection and understanding of one of the pillars of the world. Being an alicorn is not a medal to be worn or a race to be slapped with because you couldn't pick just one and it does nothing to let us know how great your character is. Upon reading your story as far as I have it really does seem like you made your character an alicorn to simply be "awesome". She isn't awesome in and of herself, but she makes "the protagonist look more awesome by the fact an alicorn is her friend and complementing her".
The second problem that needs to be fixed started with the second line of your story. You introduce four character along side you protagonist and one not only has the very annoying and disruptive feature of SPEAKING IN ALL CAPS. You should never SPEAK IN ALL CAPS as it is both amateurish and, as you hopefully just saw, is disruptive to the flow of what you are reading. If you need someone to shout, simply say that they are shouting, or add an exclamation point.
Aside from just the way Buffy talks, it is also what she is talking about. The first lines of spoken dialog in your story are about how talented and amazing your protagonist is. The conversation that follows feels unnatural as it is mostly about everyone wondering what wonderful piece their super talented friend will perform next. This is not how friends act and talk to one another, this seems far more reminiscent of how one would expect groupies or fans to behave around their idol of obsession. This is further reinforced by having her friends talk about how great her piece was and the wording on some their sentences sounding like she could do no wrong. Your story really does need to have more dialog to help build character, especially for Viola's friends, if they've heard her play before they should actually be able to critique her playing somewhat.
Before I move onto the fact your story has the oddest mix of summarizing what shouldn't be summarized and giving exposition where it shouldn't, I'm going to cover a mistake you made that is a little less obvious. You had a character sing an original song in a written medium, this is a stumbling block for a lot of people who want to have their characters sing as it is impossible, or nearly so, to translate to the reader the rhythm and mood of the song which makes the song sound disjointed and off to the reader. A good rule for writing is to not have your characters sing and when absolutely need to have them sing either have it based off a well known song or instead describe the tones of the song, the feeling it invokes in characters, drop hints to the song's significance, but not actually write out the words of the song.
Now as previously mentioned, you have a bad habit of both summarizing when you shouldn't and simply telling the reading things when you could be showing instead. For example, when you have viola start playing you simply say it is a beautiful tune, when what you should have done is spent several sentences going on about how smoothly she played, describing the texture, mood, pace, and story of the piece to make the reader feel like they are getting caught up in the music with the other listeners. This is only one of dozens of areas you need to expound on to help the reader form a clear picture of what is happening and where they are, most readers can't read your mind so you need to paint them a picture of sights, sounds, and smells to help them see your world.
On the grounds of your habit of exposition, you need to stop doing that. You repeatedly just come out and tell us things such as names of characters, which can easily be revealed in conversation, character emotions, and there inner thoughts. These need to be conveyed to the reader through small cues in the descriptive text such as body posture, where they are looking, expressions, and tone of voice. While at times it is okay to simply tell us something, it is largely agreed in the professional writing community that showing it to us is the better option most of the time.
Now for the last two things I'm going to cover your use of parentheses in the story and Octavia's characterization. On the subject of parentheses the fix is simple, don't, do not us parentheses in your stories, ever. As for Octavia, when she is depicted in the show she is shown as both brave, bold, and unflappable she would not simply break down in tears when her foal asked her a question and flee the scene. She has been teaching her foal for what is suggested to be years and would have buried such extreme emotions surrounding her long ago, when asked the rather egotistical question she could easily have explained it away. Even if she did decide to let Viola know that she is in fact her mother, she would likely have done so while completely composed, at most giving a sad little sigh before inviting her in to tell her the story.
Overall, I can't say this story is salvageable , it is simply to rife with cliches and its characters far to hollow and two dimensional. I would advise moving on and using this story as a learning experience to try and write a better one. I'm sorry to have to be so rough about it, but you will not be able to evolve and grow as a writer without somebody to tell you everything you are doing wrong and tearing your story to pieces.
6274648
Thank you for the criticism. It was greatly appreciated.
But some parts of it, like the Alicorn OC and Buffy always speaking in caps; I included that because this fic was written for a contest, and they gave character descriptions, and Pixel was said to be an Alicorn, and Buffy speaks in caps occasions.
And, what bothered me is when you said you just stopped reading after Doric left. You just when straight for the comments, not even knowing what's going to happen, and if you would actually like the fic.
Again, thanks for the criticism. It was harsh, but appreciated.
Hello there, I'm here on behalf of the Poniverse Mascot Summerpalooza Contest (though you may hear from other judges besides myself)! First of all, I want to thank you very much for taking the time to write this fic and enter it into our contest. That said, the first thought that comes to mind after reading this fic is that it's very rough and very rushed. You have A LOT of story here, and I don't mean in terms of how much you wrote, I mean that you're fitting A LOT into a little. If it were lengthened, extended, further polished, the final product might've been better, but as is, too much happens in too little space. Most of the story isn't even directly about Viola, and while I'm not opposed to the idea of her being related to Octavia, the execution here just wasn't the best. That's not to say you can't continue using this character in a possible sequel as you mentioned in the author notes, it just most likely will not be Poniverse canon. Still, I encourage you to keep practicing and developing your writing skills; you seem to have some good ideas, they're just still very raw, and the trick for you will be learning how to execute them better. Thank you again for the entry and read, and best of luck with your writing; let me know if you have any questions for me!
6311120
Thank you!
6311773
No problem!
Full disclosure, here—I'm not a judge, just a fellow entrant who decided to review all the stories submitted to this contest.
Viola, the string instrument master, questioning her own talent? Sounds like a problem I'd like to have! Regardless, this is a story, so let's review it!
The overall concept of your story is sound. Personal insecurities are one of my favorite plotlines to write about, and an insecurity that first appears to be a strength makes it very original. I'd love to see this concept expanded upon beyond this story here. And given that the nucleus of a story is the most important element of one, that's an important step.
Unfortunately, as a reviewer of yours already mentioned, this story has some problems. Let me point out some of those that I saw.
I'm really bothered by Doric's characterization. He kind of reminds me of Team Rocket from Pokemon, in the way that he seems evil and manipulative for the sake of being evil an manipulative. Nowhere in the story do we see why exactly Doric behaves the way he does: why he's a womanizer, why he gets mares pregnant for whatever reason. The most powerful villains are those that have justification for being evil, regardless of how misguided those justifications are.
But perhaps the biggest flaw with this story is that it's paced far too quickly. I'm not sure if it's even possible to adequately cover the establishment of a relationship, betrayal, and birth using as few words as you did, regardless of how good you are with them. Relationships need time to flourish, problems need space to breathe, and characters need time to develop. This entire concept could be covered with more detail with fifty times the words, I would think. The ending, in particular, seems rushed: would Viola really accept a mother that she'd just discovered was hers not five minutes prior without reservation?
Anyhow, that's just me, and I'm not the judge, just a writer/reviewer. The concept is sound; the execution just needs a little work. Good luck in the mascot contest!
PS. Judging by the character you chose to focus on, I think you're up against me. Good luck!