Chapter 7 - Memories
"You know, the black eye doesn't look that bad. Kinda fits with the whole tough girl image you've got going on," Pinkie said. "Uh, not to say that you being attacked was a good thing, just that it could have been WAY worse if you weren't so lucky."
"Well gee, thanks Pinkie," I replied. "It's good to know that being made to look like this is me being lucky."
"No problem!" I swear, I hate that girl so freaking much. "Anything for a friend!"
"Sure, keep insisting that we're friends." I can't figure out why I act so antagonistic when I've already admitted to myself that I need her and her friends. Maybe it's just because Pinkie gets on my nerves the most out of all of them.
"Well of course we're friends, silly. I'm friends with everybody!" she responded. "And if we weren't friends, then that would make me a liar. And while I'm no Applejack, I'm still not a liar! If I was a liar, then I would lose everyone's trust, and losing a friend's trust is the fastest way to lose a friend!"
Friends with everybody? I find that hard to believe. If it weren't for Twilight she'd probably still hate Fluttershy, and I doubt she would claim to be my friend at all. Besides, if she truly means everybody, then that would include a certain black-eye inducing trio...
She continued her rambling, "Of course you would know. After all, the way you made us all not friends and not trusting of each other, was by lying so that we didn't think to trust each other. Despite the fact that friends aren't supposed to not trust each other, and that we should have known to trust that they would not betray the trust that they wouldn't want to not have."
"Uh huh. Right," I said, not caring to try and decipher that linguistic minefield. "So you say you're friends with every single person in the school?"
"Yup!"
"Absolutely everyone?" I inquired.
"Yepperooney!" she responded. "Even the students that look kinda like dogs. They're really strange, you know that?"
No stranger than yourself, that's for sure. "So that means that the three who attacked me, you would consider to be your friends?"
"Yea-Well... Yeah..."
"And attacking someone isn't a friendly thing to do at all, is it?"
"No..." she said, all the energy seemingly zapped from her posture and hair.
"And so why would you want to be friends with them?"
"Well," she started to respond, "the rest of us have been really super mean to each other before. Twilight showed us we weren't being all that friendly to each other to make us say we're sorry. Now at the end of the day, we're able to be the closest of friends again, and don't blame each other for all the mean things we said."
"Yes, but none of you did anything to you out of spite like I did, or out of a sense of righteous indignation like the three who jumped me and, need I remind you, physically assaulted me."
"Well, I still want to be friends with you despite who you were before. And if I can give you a chance, then I have to give them the same chance too, even if they weren't being nice," she answered.
Her answer is to compare what they did to me? "So what, you're saying that the people who attacked me are no different from me? That they need to be forgiven, as if nothing happened?"
"No silly billy, trying to forget that things happened doesn't fix anything!" she responded, not noticing or caring for the harshness in my voice. "I'm just saying that even if they do something bad, if they choose to try and show that they're sorry, then it's only right to give them that chance! Because how else will they be able to make friends in the future, if everyone holds things against them?"
"So what, it's because you feel sorry for them? Do you only want to be my friend, because you feel sorry for me?"
"I don't feel sorry for you, or anyone," Pinkie said, without even a hint of a joke. "It's because what kind of person would I be if I refused to be friends with someone who needs friends more than anything? As much as I don't like it, the people who attacked you are likely in need of a friend who will help them to be able forgive you, and you need someone to show you the better way you've been missing all these years."
Oh how I wish I had the energy to argue with her overly simplistic view of things. Especially since I have no idea why she gives me the chance in the first place. If giving me a chance means she has to give them the same chance, then I don't think I needed the chance in the first place.
"Fine, whatever you say I guess," I responded. "Where is everyone right now anyway? I expected to find you all together after the last of my classes."
"Not sure. I haven't seen the rest of the girls since this morning," Pinkie answered. "But that just means you get me all to yourself!"
"...Joy."
"Well, don't you look happy to see me? I didn't know I had made such a positive impression on you Sunset!"
"Can we just leave already?" I said, not caring to deal with the main source of my frustration. "I've already dealt with the worst of Pinkie today, I don't need you ruining my day further."
"Truly the bonds of friendship has the strength of para-cord tying you together."
"Just shut the hell up..." I sighed as I approached the passenger seat door and pulled the handle. "...I'd appreciate it if you unlocked the car, Discord."
"Maybe I just want to stop and have a chat before we go?" he said, twirling a set of keys around in his hand. "We're in no hurry to be anywhere. Have all the time in the world!"
"Speak for yourself. If I'm forced to forfeit my independence, at least allow me the courtesy of getting it over with."
''Forfeit your independence? You make it sound like you're going to be stuck with me forever or something."
"And you're saying that's not what's happening?" I replied, an accusatory tone in my voice.
"Please, are you expecting me to babysit and coddle you? Do you expect me to try and control every part of your life? Do I seem like the kind of person who cares about what you choose to get up to?" he responded. "Need I remind you that I'm not Celestia."
No. No he wasn't. "Yes, I know you're not Celestia, but-"
"-After all, I'm far too burly and handsome to resemble that old hag!" he announced with vigor, seemingly uncaring of if anyone overheard us. "And certainly some of the parts don't match either."
I smiled for only the briefest moments at his antics. "But I've already given up so much in the last few weeks, more than I ever thought I could..." I paused, dejectedly as my whole body lost it's stature. "I've given up control over CHS, I've given up the choice of who I interact with, I've given up the chance of a peaceful return to Equestria, I've given up my own sense of safety, I've given up on the hope that I could ever be forgiven for the things I've done-
"...And now I'm being asked to give up the one place where I get to escape from it all."
I don't know when I started crying, but my whole face had become a wet mess. Discord looked conflicted as he waited for his chance to respond, silently refusing to look at me. I desperately needed comforting. Comfort that Discord likely couldn't give.
I had to pull myself together, damn it. I can't keep being set off at a moments notice.
"I know things seem unfair right now," he said after giving me an opportunity to collect myself. "I know—trust me, I know—that you feel like everything you have is being taken from you with no hope of return. I want to say things will get better if you trust me to know what's best for you, but I don't. What I can say though, is that you won't be able to survive on your own nearly as long as you'd like to believe, and I'm here to help."
"Oh, and what makes you so sure of that, huh? Do you know what it's like, huh? How do you know how I'm feeling right now?!" I yelled, insulted and patronized. He isn't me, he doesn't know what I'm going through! I was doing just fine on my own! "Who are you to say that I don't have what it takes to survive?!"
"...A story for another day I guess." A soft click came from the car door. Without pause, I entered the vehicle before I had the chance to hesitate. The goal was to get this over with, and I can't do that if I have to psych myself up at every step.
"Are you sure we're going the right way?" Discord asked skeptically, raising his voice above the sounds and drone of heavy equipment, obscured by the many construction fences that ran alongside the sidewalk.
"Yes."
My curt response had him shaking his head. "Where could you possibly live out here? Could have sworn this whole area was swallowed up for development a few years back."
He was right. When I arrived here, the whole area had been sprawling suburbia. Slowly but surely though, every property in this region of the city had been bought up by the council for expansion of the city. As if Canterlot wasn't large and busy enough.
I kept that thought to myself though. We were nearing my place, so I had to mentally prepare myself for the inevitable questions that Discord would ask. Despite having the time to calm myself, my chest tightened the closer we got, worry circulating through my system at breakneck speeds.
Finally we'd reached a break in the fence, letting me know that we'd made it. The place I'd been calling home for the past... Was it four years already? Five?
"Wait a minute is this...?" Discord asked. I wasn't sure if he'd made some form of connection, or if he was simply confused by where we'd ended up.
"Is this, what?" I asked. He merely shook his head as it became clear to him that this was indeed the destination we were after.
"...Well I'll be damned, one of them still exists..." Discord murmured, barely loud enough for me to hear as we pulled into the driveway that revealed itself. "So this is where you've been hiding yourself away, huh?" he said with much greater volume.
"Can you please just save your comments for when we're actually in there?"
"Oh fine," he said. "Excuse me for expressing some interest."
Finally, the car slowed to a stop as we'd well and truly arrived outside my house. Sure the building was a single story, and looked as if someone started building a motel and gave up after a single unit... But it's home. Although, not for much longer.
"How did you find a place like this in the middle of nowhere?" he asked.
"Questions. Later," I responded, getting annoyed at the probing for information. We're right here, it can't be that hard to wait just a few more seconds.
I exited the vehicle, slammed the car door and approached the entrance of my little shack, fenced off from the construction jungle. Fishing a set of keys out from my jacket, with all the confidence I didn't actually have, I unlocked the door and entered.
Discord followed closely, honoring my request to save his questions. Each step made me feel more and more tense, knowing the memories I would be forced to relive.
It was time to explain a few things.
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I think your pacing is fine. From the looks of things in RR, the sirens were in the next town over when they saw the magic, so It's going to take time for them to track down the source.
You may want to show Sunset turning a corner with one or more of the others soon though in order to avoid the problems you noted above.
I'm not overly crazy about Discord being part of the story, but that's just me about Discord in general. Here he seems to be working pretty well as a semi-mentor for Sunset.
Overall, I'm enjoying this story and I think you're heading in the right direction with it.
8611959
See, in my mind I feel as though I've shown Sunset taking steps to connect with the others already, but also make it clear that despite these steps, old ideas are hard to let go, or in the moment she can get overpowered by frustration (like with Pinkie). Has that not had a quick enough effect? Or is it undermined by her not being able to complete a friendly gesture, due to circumstance?
I dunno, this is probably the bit I'm worried about the most.
8612730
Maybe flip things. Have Sunset try to initiate something, but her temper or circumstances undermine her.
8613267
I've been working on the basis that Sunset is not a legal "person" (in the sense that she has no records to her name, such as a birth certificate or proof of citizenship) and that Celestia and Theory are aware of this. I guess someone could I say I implied that in Chapter 6 (with Theory mentioning that her not cooperating would likely lead to them bringing in law enforcement), but that had more to do with her living situation than anything else. But the point here being that bringing her to the police would start an investigation no one wants to be dealing with, and that I've tried to show that as a "last resort" option for the pair.
Additionally, Celestia and Luna decided the way in which Sunset was to be punished, despite serious damage to public property that could easily have been handed off to the police (at least, based on the small glimpse at the end of the first EqG), and so I've assumed that Celestia and Luna would much rather deal with her themselves, and that Sunset would much rather it stay that way.
Sunset herself also has no incentive to talk to the police above just a lack of person-hood, as Chapter 8 will go over. I've also been trying to write Sunset as someone who's just so overwhelmed with everything that she's finding it difficult to so much as put up a fight.
I'm not saying this necessarily as a defense of the way I'm going about things, just simply an explanation. If this stuff isn't being made clear, then that means that I've failed to properly convey the assumptions or ideas of my story.
In a lot of ways Sunset isn't really in a different place in RR from where she is now. Her friends pay lip service but blame her as soon as any questionable action is taken as well as not ever inviting her into the band. The only real difference is that Sunset is happier in RR than depicted. I would say leave it till whenever you feel you need to really amp up the pressure on Sunset. If that takes a long time just assume the Dazzlings had a few affairs to put in order before they set out, or perhaps did more research on the school or even just observed the flow of magic for a time. Heck they can even just take time by feeding a lot until their power is near max before trying to influence an entire school of people.
I like the way your taking it now really, focusing on the characters with a good dadh of mystery
There's nothing I could think of that haven't been mentioned already.
Are you going to continue this anytime soon? I've been really digging the story
This is a really good story
I hope it's not 2 hard for you to continue it <3
Is it ok if I use your human discord's name? Making a story and I'm slow in the production.
9314233
I don't exactly have any ownership of the name Chaos Theory, or much of anything in this story. If you want to use the name, it's freely available.
9314426
Thank you I'm probably doing the same with my story when ever I complete it; To let others continue it with free rein.
Discord actually started to grow on me this chapter. Maybe he'll eventually develop into a reasonable addition to the story.
As for other criticisms, I'd strongly recommend finding an editor or two. There are plenty of grammatical mistakes they could help you clean up, for example. Additionally, having a couple extra brains in the picture can help keep the story on track.
9416934
Yeah, I can see a few cases where I've failed to put a comma when the name is at the end of a sentence. I'm not currently seeing any cases where I've messed that up with a name at the beginning of the sentence. Thanks for pointing that out!
9417091
Yeah, I'm aware I rely too much on ellipsis. I am trying to cut down on my over use of them, but I often end up writing them without thinking much of it. When writing out the dialogue, I'm trying to convey exactly how I hear the conversation going in my head, and that includes wanting to indicate the pace or pauses within it. A pass where I move some of that out of the speech and into the words surrounding it, or try to dictate more of the pace through the surrounding words, is something I should definitely do.
9417099
What are some of the grammatical errors you're seeing (other than direct address commas)? I'm curious what you're seeing, because while I know I've made plenty mistakes, most major errors have been silently fixed at one point or another.
Additionally, as far as keeping the story on track, the difficulties I have are mostly a case of story lines that are well into the future (in the context of the story), but need setup now.
I am aware that Discord is off-putting in a lot of ways, but part of that is getting across why he's not seen very well, except by a few select people. His character plays a very important part in Sunset's major arc later, along with being necessary to tell some of the later plot points. That's not an excuse, because if I made him too hard to read through, then that's definitely a problem with the story, it's just that is what I've been going for.
9418059
Your most frequent issues are actually when the name is in the middle of the sentence. You usually have the comma after the name but frequently forget the comma before the name.
9418068
The only other consistent error I can remember seeing is that you use hyphens instead of em dashes. The other other errors are usually random errors like the comma splice here:
10420890
You are completely right about that being vile, and I regret putting it in the story when I first wrote this 4 years ago. I have now edited that specific bit out. It was never intended to be read as funny or a joke, but that doesn't make the way I chose to incorporate it any less inappropriate or problematic.
This chapter was meant to establish a series of specific moments that would be referenced later, and it was meant to be made clear later in the story that this Discord has and would never actually act on anything he says, even if he's willing to act like a creep and rile people up with no personal boundaries.
My decision to do it in the way I did was a mistake. Introducing a main character to the story — particularly one meant to be supporting to Sunset — as a creep under the idea that it would all be fine "later" while downplaying the effect such a disgusting act would make was a mistake. Considering that as merely a box to check for Discord's character and not considering how a reader would see it, or how the scene as a whole would look was a mistake. Not thinking critically through why I thought it needed to be done in that way was a mistake. Not putting the draft in front of another set of eyes who would have called me out on something like that was a mistake.
With this story, before life got in the way, I had intended to tackle some potentially difficult topics with it, some of which would involve uncomfortable situations or relationships that are meant to come off as such, but I clearly did not have the experience, self-awareness or familiarity with some of my subject matter to do that with tact, particularly when I included something like that so early on. It also shows that I need to look closer and more proactively at works I've put out on the internet in the past, looking at what they might be saying, the effects they have on the people who come across it, and what they demonstrate I personally need to improve myself on.
I had already decided recently that I intend to rewrite this story from the ground up, and this kind of thing definitely cements that decision. I'm currently weighing up whether it might be better if I unpublish all the currently published chapters in the meantime to prevent making more edits to fix something inherently broken.
I apologize for any and all effects that my incredibly poor writing decisions has had on you and others, and I will strive to be far better in future works.
10582627
Refer to here: https://www.fimfiction.net/story/315164/no-offense#comment/10421948