A Song and An Apple

Downunda Thunda #1 · Feb 26th, 2016 · · · Part 1 ·

Okay, so read through it, and spotted... more than a few grammatical errors. But I hope that this will help you with the story, and I hope I don't come off too brash. I didn't hold myself back at all, but that's because I am your friend. I just went through, and did every error I could find.

1:

the popstar, Counter Coluture,

Countess Coloratura

2:

Applejack drive forward

The correct terminology should be either "Applejack Drives forward" or "Applejack Drove Forward"

3:

detailed in you directions.

Detailed in YOUR directions.

4:

probably should have come to think about it.

A comma after "have" would not go astray

5:

what matters is where here now,

"What matters is WE'RE here now"

6:

let's not be wastein it by moping.

As Wastin' is a contraction of Wasting, because of the ing there, the E at the end of Waste is not needed.

7:

I'd like that very much be...

Not entirely sure what the be is there.. it feels out of place. If it's a word that's being cut off, then a better way to indicate it as such
is to have it as Be--, to show that there is more to the word, but it was interrupted by a thought or another character speaking.

8:

a popster of Rara's statues.

Popstar of Rara's Status

9:

It would have still been consider larger

Considered

10:

we’re practical adults

Practically

11:

already run yoru own farm?

Your

12:

she grabbed Applejacks arm,

Because you're talking about how Rara is grabbing the arm of Applejack, the S is a possessive S, so there needs to be an appostrophe before it.

13:

some other connect

Connection

14

laid a brick path

Should probably be a laid brick path. The way you have it, it sounds like they laid it as they went along it.

15:

lead to a fire pit,

Led to a fire pit

16:

she jested over the ledge

To guesture is to show with a movement of the hand. To Jest is to make people laugh by being a clown.

17:

Then after we worst some mellows

I don't know what it is to worst some marshmallows, but I would probably prefer to toast them anyway...

18:

Sapphire Shore

It's Sapphire Shores. The s is a part of her name as much as the s in my middle name, James is.

19:

Smor'e

Right spelling, correct punctuation mark... just wrong positioning of said mark. it's S'more.

20:

the one sing um.

It would probably flow much better if AJ said "The one singin' 'em.

21:

Applejack silently swatted herself on the inside, hard.

This would make a bit more sense with a bit of a longer pause than you would get from a comma. I would put a full
stop there, so it reads: "Applejack silently swatted herself on the inside. Hard." Just makes it have a bit more emphasis.

22:

with some photo’s

As you're talking about multiple photos, you want a plural S. Therefore, an appostrophe is not needed.

23:

she brought along with her family and friends

So, she brought the photos and her friends? Or perhaps you meant "She brought along of her family and friends"

24:

as they waited for their hotdogs to roost

I didn't know Hot Dogs had nests.... Unless you mean Roast.

25:

Applejack swearing her friend

While this isn't technically gramatically wrong... It just doesn't quite read right... What it should be is "Applejack could've sworn her friend"

26:

I know Grany Smith be happy to fully retire.

Would read better as "I know Granny Smith will be happy to fully retire."

27:

Sucks, wouldn’t that be something,

I'm pretty sure you mean "Shucks" here.

28:

letter saying if Rara was okay

At this point, AJ doesn't know for sure if Rara is okay, so, she can't write one saying so. To say something, in this context means that it's a fact and true. However, she could definately write a letter ASKING if she was okay.

29:

we won’t get no piece till I get this out of the way.

Wrong Peace. The piece you used means it's a part of something bigger. A fragment or a part. The Peace you most likely intended means a calm, quiet, or a setting aside of differences.

Overall, good story so far, and I honestly look forward to reading more.

I hope this comment isn't too harsh, but as I said, I went a bit full-on grammar nazi here. I'm certain that I have missed some errors, as it's currently a quarter to three in the morning, and I am really tired, but those were all the grammar errors that I spotted.

TheOneAJ

TheOneAJ #2 · Feb 26th, 2016 · · · Part 1 ·

TheOneAJ

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