Look, you know how I became the cuddlebug goddess because of Chrysalis?
Yeeeeeeah, Thorax's group might have caught wind of that. Of course, they only heard that I'd been kidnapped again--you know, we really should set up a frequent kidnapping rewards program for royals and their family, or maybe I don't know PUT COMPETENT GUARDS IN OUR ACTUAL CASTLES, because it happens so freaking often it's like... what, are we just treats? Is that what we do, we stand there like bait so the bad guys don't attack the citizens?
...actually that would explain a lot...
Anyway! Like I was saying. Thorax and his changelings heard I got kidnapped by Chrysalis. Yaaaaay. So being the political masterminds they are, they offered both apologies and to pay for my therapy and, you know, all that jazz. Thing is, information still travels kind of slowly way out there, so by the time the offer arrived I was in hot water after my stunt with the Crusaders (who are still awesome by the way thanks for asking). And the letter was addressed to Mom so I didn't know about it until she sat down one day and announced I would be going on a trip to a foreign country for "diplomatic reasons."
Officially it was to learn more about our changeling allies and shake off all the trauma I hadn't actually gotten by being plucked up by Chryssy. The fact that it also punted me out of my house and home for a while, AND I had to write up a report on the situation... yeah it was very obviously a punishment, and I couldn't say no because politics. Honestly, Dad's a little easier to handle, at least you can see him coming! So I of course put on my best diplomatic smile and I of course agreed because if I didn't lots of bad shit would happen, yadda yadda yadda. See, I can be mature. I saved my yelling and screaming for when I was on my private cart on the train.
Yes, mature ponies can gripe. Trust me, Grauntie Celestia gets her rage on behind closed doors. That's why we have all the fancy nice stuff, so that our griping is done comfortably away from idiots who'd misinterpret it or from those who don't deserve it.
Anyway, when we got off we were greeted by... well, you all know how Thorax's brood looks, right? It's as if some pop star saw one of those peaceful locale paintings they put in children's books and got somepony to design her back-up dancers based off that, and that pony was DJ PON-3 and she was high on butterfly dust or something. So, Pop-classical-rave-butterflies. Popsicle Raverflies. Yeah. That's what I'm calling them from now on, so people don't confuse them with Chryssy's changelings.
I mean they look more like beetles then butterflies but--
ANYWAY. So there were a pair of Popsicle Raverflies there waiting for us, Spinnerette and Mandible. And why they were named after their body parts I will never know. Still, they were there to escort me and my guards (it was officially a diplomatic thingy, after all) to the Hive. Now, being a princess, I am fully capable of maintaining myself with grace, dignity, and total regality. I don't like it, but I can do it. So things go kind of smoothly for a while--typical "Oh shit it's a princess what do?!" coming from the Raverflies as they desperately try to assure me everything is to pony standards and beyond and I do the usual Grauntie Celestia "It'll all be fine now please stop panicking before I get a headache" thing. And we get to the palace and...
Look, I like tall buildings and all, but there's no need to make it a competition! Especially if you're going to stick your throne room right at the top--it's tiring to climb all those freaking stairs, you know?
Anyway, we get to the top of the stairs, and there's Thorax in all his moosey glory. I guess he's kind of hot if you go for that "embarrassed giant" sort of look, and I mean he did save the world that one time during the cosmic convergence. So, yeah. Props to the guy. Still, it's... look, it's Thorax. He's a green moose that's also a bug, and has serious self confidence issues. I know, he's powerful, king of the Popsicle Raverflies, valuable ally to ponies, yadda yadda yadda--when you're in his presence, though, you begin to realize the guy has, like, no spine. Literally or metaphorically. It's like being in the presence of the ultimate doormat, with the caveat that the doormat is surrounded at all times by a horde of beetles that can potentially become dragons just WAITING to dogpile you if you so much as look at him funny.
The weakest leader with the most awesome citizens. Sometimes I think he's just there to get... our... attention....
Holy crap. I was right! Princesses are bait for the big bads! And it's not just us ponies, changelings get in on the game too!
What? Oh, right. Thorax. Right, anyway, so, Thorax goes on this big speech that can be summed up as "Sorry you got kidnapped by my evil mom, we promise to make your stay as cozy as possible, and let me list off as many of your titles as I can remember so you know I'm serious about this." Thankfully, I'm still a young princess and my accomplishments aren't that numerous, so it only took ten minutes. Ten minutes of standing and listening to a nervous, increasingly twitchy moose pontificate, whilst not only keeping a polite smile on my face but also trying to keep my annoyance from spiking around the horde of empaths.
It was pure torture. Pure, unadulterated torture.
Needless to say, once Thorax finished doing what he thought needed to be done, I pulled out the usual diplomatic crap about the honor of visiting and how we were all great friends, and honestly I don't think I needed to but the last time I tried to be a casual princess around the upper echelons... well, let's just say the citizens of Manehattan use rakes instead of pitchforks. So I couldn't risk it. So it took me five minutes to ask for a bed.
Look, I was exhausted okay? I'm used to colder climes, but I had to climb I don't know how many stairs in dry, hot air, then listen to Thorax ramble on about whatever, without revealing that I was actually pretty fond of Chrysy's visit, all while keeping not only my outward expression neutral but clamping down on my inner emotions! Being a princess is not easy!
Of course, I managed to be polite and kind and nice all the way up to my bedroom. I promised to go on all the stuff Thorax had set up the next day, and I apologized for the convenience, and I was a good girl, and I was a nice girl, and I made the mistake of thinking I could drop the act after I shut the door. Because, apparently, Thorax had told Spinnerette and Mandible to listen in on me just in case I needed anything, which they chose to interpret as including my emotional state.
So there I was, quietly griping about how stupid and unfair my parents were for setting this all up and how exhausted I was, and you know how people filter out what they say before they say it? Yeah, Spinnerette and Mandible heard all this and, through some strange leap of reasoning that I don't even know how to properly identify, came to the entirely logical conclusion that I had been unwillingly possessed by the demonic spawn of Chrysalis, Sombra, and freaking TIREK.
No I'm serious, this is not exaggeration. They even came up with an origin story on how this impossibility would work. It's quite detailed.
Now how did they go about solving this issue? Did they, maybe, talk to Thorax about this potential demon? No, he's overworked, so he can't possibly be of any help. Did they, I don't know, try to capture or assassinate me? No, I was an innocent victim obviously. Did they think about the possibility of calling Celestia? No, that would be impossible to work into the schedule! No, their entirely and totally reasonable solution to this very rational danger was to spread a frickin' rumor among all the possible popsicle raverflies they could!
So when I woke up the next morning, half the hive was wearing... I can't even keep a straight face. They were wearing... wreaths. On their head. Because, apparently, that prevents demons from reading people's minds. I am not even making this up, I don't know where they got this idea. Maybe Discord? Whatever, the point is, wreaths on their head, nowhere near hearth's warming, and I'm... I don't even know what's going on. I just notice and I think, "Huh. Weird fashion trend. Okay."
Anyway, so Thorax took it on himself to show me around the hive, say "this is where we keep the eggs, this is where we process love, this is the communal bathing chamber, look at how normal we are there's no reason to be scared of us!" And I was nodding along--I've been on these kinds of tours before, you know. It's the tedium of princesshood that nobody ever tells you about--everyone always sees the glitter and the glamour and think it comes free. It's a bribe. All the nice parts of princessing are a bribe, because actually being a princess is the WORST JOB ON THE FREAKING PLANET! I never got to choose this! It was FORCED on me!
Sorry. Sometimes I just get so pissed... everyone just assumes...
Okay, where was I? The tour. Right, so eventually it occurs to me to ask what the deal with the wreathes is. And Thorax has no clue. Which is... not entirely weird, since some trends can crop up without anybody knowing why, but for it to happen so suddenly was pretty weird. Now, I'm pretty experienced when it comes to weirdness, so I told the guy that we should probably investigate this. Thorax, though, thought that it would be best if he handled it alone, because he was the ruler and I was just a guest. So he sends me back to my room.
Which is guarded by Spinnerette and Mandible.
Who are wearing wreaths.
They see me coming and, before I have any idea what's happening, they grab me and shunt me into a guest room. Where, I will shit you not, there is a full-blown pentagram and the skulls of goats and, what are those things called, the big stands with lots of candles? There are a lot of those too. I get pushed into the pentagram and told not to worry, I'd be exorcised pretty soon. Yes, this is exactly what they said. So I'm confused as all get out, of course, but before I can say anything Mandible starts chanting.
At this point I realize that these two are entirely serious. Now, I could have just calmly sat them down, talked them through the whole thing, and explained the entire misunderstanding. That, however, would only reassure two popsicle raverflies. As opposed to all of the ones marching around with wreaths on their heads. So, instead, I decided that I'd give them what they want. Everypony wants to play the villain at least once in their life, after all.
Did I ham it up? You bet your flank I hammed it up. I cursed their wit, tried to 'escape' while casting a shield for me to bounce off, and made the goriest threats I could think of. Then I screamed, letting my eyes light up as I twitched melodramatically, collapsing as the chant finished. Man, I should have gotten an award for all that.
Of course, when i awoke, I pretended to be oblivious. How did I get here, where was I, etc. This was about the time Thorax walked in and, oh wow, was he horrified--I don't know if he believed what Spinnerette and Mandible were spewing, but even if he didn't I'd been imprisoned against my will which was totally NOT what he wanted, so he quickly apologized and suggested I head home to recover. I was swiftly bundled up and put back on the train to the Crystal Empire.
Mom was furious, of course, and she made me write the report twice over. But you know, I didn't mind it all. After a week, Thorax came by to personally apologize for the Sparkalon incident. That's what they were calling it--to this day, I don't even know why. But... yeah, if you ever see anybody wearing a wreath, that's why. There's a rumor that the demon of Sparkalon managed to escape and is hopping among ponies to this very day.
...no, I didn't spread that rumor, don't be ridiculous.
>raverflies
notbad
XD
He he he he.... very well done. When in doubt, ham it, and ham it HARD!
funniest quote of the chapter
???
Either I missed something, or you are "noodle incident"ing so hard it ought to leave cracks in my monitor.
the "i" there should probably be capitalized.
Sparkalon is misspelled in the chapter title, but otherwise good chapter!
Another villain from a thousand years ago that appear... This time jumping bodies
And here I thought this would never continue! Talk about an early Christmas present for me!
7816861 Weaver is probably talking about the Season 6 finale.
Yay, update!
7816795
Okay then.
*Grabs a humongous ham and swings it up and down like a hammer*
Flurry Heart's comment about "worst job ever" reminds me of an old Wizard of Id cartoon. Rodney is telling a peasant about how tough it is to be a knight & how he (the peasant) shouldn't envy him (the knight), the job is dangerous. Next panel, the view is pulled back so that you can see that the peasant is about to use a pitchfork to scoop up horse manure piles & the peasant says "I'd risk it"
Headcanon updated.
7816916 So not the syzygy in the comics with Accord, then?
RRRRIIIIGHTTTTT. I TOTALLY BELIEVE YOU.
7817398 I never read the comics, so maybe.
Yeah, that's a weird custom. Don't you agree?
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Angel Wings agrees.
That's odd; this doesn't seem to have anything to do with Twilight's castle.
In any case, another hilarious installment in the life of the best teenage princess. Especially those revelations regarding high-profile authority figures. And poor Thorax. He was never meant for this, but he's trying the best he can.
thorax totally needs to be legit the size of an actual moose!!!
Huh, so apparently Thorax took the dumbest changelings along for his betrayal, seems about right.
I personally call them Barflings, due to looking like baby crayon barf, but this fits too.
I knew Chryssie was a better ruler than him.
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Well if it's the worst job ever then obviously you'd prefer to be in any other job, right?
The let's just send you to a coal mine, since apparently princesshood is worse than terrible working conditions, constant death of those around you from cave ins and black lung, and shit pay.
Eh, he looks more like an elk to me; Moose are too horizontal for that graceful giraffe neck of his to fit.
Nice. I'm glad you included Thorax, and the whole thing was hilarious . This story gets better with every chapter!
7819238 I've been calling them mothponies, since they have fluffy antenna and are generally furry and look like they were made with this.
Yep, she spread that rumor
Was this a Christmas present?
7820075
Remember our protagonist is a spoiled, bratty, one-percent class teenager.
I'm just going to leave this here...
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7825316
In this chapter, it mentions some sort of "cosmic convergence". What is she talking about?
7840253 when he became a king and turned a hive into new buggys
your right miss skyla i spread the rumor as a bet with thorax to see how long efore panic set and hes smarter then he puts on seeing as i still owe him 50kbits
7819670
The cosmic moose will destroy us all!
Funny stuff. Is it Sparkalon or Sparklalon?
8118508 I'll take that as a yes.
7945368 The first one.
Any more chapters coming?
Sweet Harmony this is wonderful, and the narrative voice is just perfect. I NEED MOAR.
I need more of this, please tell me this isn't dead.
Admittedly, I looked at this feeling kinda "Ehhhh...I have twenty minutes to kill." and then...I got hooked on it like, REALLY fast. If Skyla was just grousing about something like, well, like the language and tone would make you expect (It's not a PHASE, mom!), it would be old fast. But this...wow, this is actually really funny! Poor Cadence, Shining Armor, Maud Pie, Thorax...
I can't wait for a Hub Loop where you update this.
This is seriously some of your funniest work, and that includes your work on Pony Loops.
I only just realized that the story is R.A.T.S.
This is the first Flurry Heart story I have read and it is one of the funny's fic's I have read in a long while thank you for the fun that is this fic.
7818837
Then we can finally have that "oh look! A moose!!" Everfree Northwest 2012 gag in canon.
Panther did
As much as I bet Skyla was 'hamming it up', considering the fact that she know what ham is... leads me to believe otherwise.
Meh, not like ponies ever do that.
Except Hoofdini, Rockhoof, Bulk Biceps, Fleetfoot, Mistmane, Trenderhoof, Hondo Flanks, Bow Hothoof, Derpy Hooves, Featherbangs, the entire Hooffield clan, Angel Wing, Nurse Redheart & Co, Lemon Hearts, and even Lyra Heartstrings. Even Flurry Heart as a maybe, if you don't count that as referring to a storm's center/eye...
And that's without getting into background ponies only named in merchandise, fan names, and the like. There's probably an army of Wing, Hoof, Heart, Mane, or other equine body part termed names if you include them!
I was about to give you an upvote, but then I realized, wait, the thumb is bright green and I must have upvoted already, on some other chapter that surprised and delighted me. Sooooo, no new upvote. Sorry about that.