The revolution, lead by the Inquisitor, successfully overthrew the Equestrian Triarchy, and established a "new government, for the ponies, by the ponies," officially aiming to bring prosperity to their nation.
It's been three years since the revolution, Twilight Sparkle fled when it became apparent that the Inquisitor's goals were less than benevolent, and she has been in hiding ever since. Despite repeated attempts by the Inquisitor to find her, none have been successful.
One thing is certain, however. While Twilight lives, the Inquisitor's days are numbered.
Chapters (22)
Please continue this. I'm noticing very few and very minor spelling errors, there's a bit of backstory to explore, and the fact that nothing seems to go as planned in this world leaves a bit open for surprises. You win a like and a track! Although you might want to add an OC tag for the Inquisitor. Also, I'm not favoriting because this is only the first chapter. It's well done, don't get me wrong, but it's all either uphill or downhill from here. Eventually, but certainly not now or next chapter, the Inquisitor will need a backstory and, of course, you will need to say what happened to Spike and Applejack and the rest. But that's in the future. Right now, good story, and yay for toy sellers genocide.
Is the Inquisitor based off of the Inquisitors from Warhammer 40K?
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Thank you. I look forwards to continuing this, and hope you will continue to enjoy it.
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I have no knowledge of Warhammer 40K outside of knowing it's a game...
Oh, crap. This ain't lookin' good.
For Rainbow OR Twilight.
And have I ever mentioned how much I hate cliffhangers?
Well, I tried giving this a read considering I found Civil War of Harmony to be quite enjoyable, but I'm afraid I find this to be the lesser of the two stories. For such a dramatic shift in Equestria's leadership and how it came about, the setup needs a whole lot more detail to be convincing. The ponies as a whole not noticing Inquisitor's blatant powergrab and how he seems to be running the show individually now, not some sort of a council, doesn't come across as too believable ... and Rainbow herself is coming across as very dim-witted and mentally slow.
There is a fair bit of repetitiveness, both in terms of repeated dialog and ideas, in Rainbow's interaction with Twilight as well, along with some odd characterization and choices for both of them, which made the earlier trek through the forest a somewhat weird read.
I could get past all of that though, as I find the core idea of the story interesting and watching this new, harsher and more jaded Twilight taking control of Equestria once more and struggling between wanting to be a good ruler and wanting to mete out some cold, hard vengeance and seeing what sort of a person emerges, and what sort of a rule she establishes to be quite fascinating ...
But what really does it in for me is Inquisitor. I am sorry to say, be he's such a Mary Sue that he simply bores me to tears. Charismatic enough to wrestle Equestria away from monarchs that are beloved by the populace, masterful enough to orchestrate wars and assassinate all the old leaders without anyone batting an eye, evidently stronger than Tirek at his height seeing as he can stand up to even more powered up Twilight, and super smart and prepared enough to the point he might as well be clairvoyant? Just ... urgh!
He single handedly sucks all the fun and suspense out of the story, because of how boring and predictable he makes everything. Of course it was a trap from beginning to the end with him having some super gadget to counter Twilight and everything is one big trap that no one else is smart enough to figure out - it was enormously obvious and predictable ever since chapter 1 just because of the type of character he was introduced as.
Just about the only way I could find the story interesting from this point onwards is if Inquisitors device, against his expectations, fails spectacularly and doesn't do anything, leaving him genuinely gawping in shock and confusion with no cleverly prepared hundred backup plans nor second chances, at which point Twilight proceeds to rip him in half and him meeting an unexpected and pitiful end thanks to his own hubris. That could be a curve-ball to revitalize the plot and make the future interesting once more.
As is though ... I'm sorry to say I probably won't be reading further, because of how dry and predictable I have found this to be since the very start regarding Inquisitor, and this chapter and the ending was the accumulation of all the things that, in my eyes, drag the story down. If he got genuinely caught with his pants down and died - that would have been unexpected and interesting. This super-perfect, always-prepared, million-steps ahead of everyone else type of villain though ... a cliche that has been seen a million times before and simply makes the story boring and obvious, I'm afraid to say.
Good luck anyways :)
Will Rainbow Dash be beating anybody up in this story? Will she be reaching Unstoppable Rage levels of anger? Will she be giving out any No Holds Barred Beatdowns? Also, is the Inquisitor really a Mary Sue?
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Yes, no, maybe, and the term is Villain Sue, and... Well, I can't honestly answer that. Though, he will get his flank handed to him towards the end.
This has been an interesting read so far.While it has had a few plot holes and grammatical errors here and there it's a interesting story line. Also surprised it doesn't have many likes due to it being a pretty decent story and all. Chapter wait times are annoying but no one perfect and life gets in the way of all the good stuff these days.
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Sorry about the wait. I am having difficulty with writing chapter 9... It's coming along slowly, but it is coming along.
I do kind of find Twilight feels like she's carrying the Idiot Ball a bit over the last few chapters. She's surprisingly reckless and overconfident for a bitter, cold-blooded, paranoid magical prodigy with a perfectionist streak; and kind of uncreative for the greatest master of magic Equestria has ever seen. "I don't want to damage the castle," is a nice sentiment, but not very pragmatic when one is fighting for one's life.
Not to mention regular canon alicorn Twilight can levitate and paralyze a small army fairly casually; I don't see why didn't she just pick the Inquisitor up and squeeze him until he started undergoing nuclear fusion.
That aside, I'm enjoying the story, particularly in that it's a "betrayed Twilight" story that doesn't seem to be going down the "Evil Twilight" path.
Twilight's gonna need some friends again. She's got too much stuff in her head to handle alone.
I wonder if perhaps the others transferred more than just their memories to Twilight. Maybe even enough for the Elements to work...
WOW FIRST CHAPTER AND JUST WOW!
This story is very interesting. The only problem I have is that the characters hardly talk and it's mostly just the narrator explaining. Despite that I'm still very much enjoying this story.
Hmm....
Twi really should consider taking care of that memory problem, sooner rather than later. Going bonkers isn't conducive to making a good plan!
Your doing pretty good In my opinon!
This was my first thought after reading the Author's Note:
cdn-img.fimfiction.net/story/rdv2-1432556915-177045-medium
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That almost made me burst out laughing. As it was, I had trouble containing it.
Looked at it again, nevermind about containing it.
Hmm, this seems interesting.
I think this is meant to be "The two ponies sat in silence"
"another" should be changed to "other"
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Thanks!
Tirek used Discord's magic. And Twilight has addressed some ponies by the "my little ponies" moniker at least oce
"Inquisitor,"
I think one thing Twilight needs is a good cry and some hugs from her growing friend-pile. Though I have this sinking feeling that her friends themselves are some kind of booby-trap.
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I'm going with the idea that, while yes, Lord Tirek had Discord's power, he didn't use chaos magic per se. Instead, he used "normal" magic, amplified by the raw energy of chaos magic, while the Inquisitor was using spells based on chaos magic. That's also along the lines of what's shown in the season 4 finale, potentially with the exception of Tirek snapping his fingers and teleporting the mane 5 + Discord... Which I forgot about that part until just now...
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That mistake reminded me of this...
Thanks for pointing it out, fixed it!
YEAH FINALLY!
But seriously, thank you for putting your time and effort into this. This is shaping up to be a really good one.
I wish you luck on the next chapters!
7940480 You're welcome, and thanks. I don't know when the next chapter will be out, but it most likely won't be any kind of wait like with this chapter.
well that escalated quickly
Well as Twilight's mental state spiral further and further downwards, we can only imagine the plans she has for the inquisitor after she gets to him. Also RD loyal to a fault. I happily await more chapters.
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So you are going to finish this story first, then focus on Civil war? Oh yes, I congratulate you on finishing this chapter. I know it must be taxing on you, but thank you for a pinkie pie chapter to cheer us up!
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I'm working on both at the same time. I had been working on three major stories, but I finished one, so now I'm not trying to write an additional 15k word chapter bi-weekly which gives me more time to focus on this. I'm working on writing Chapter 28 in Civil War of Harmony, and I plan to get it out on March 4th. My goal is to focus this down (while still working on the other story) so expect Chapter 17 on March 11th. That's my goal at least, I may end up getting it done this week, in which case I'll get it out on the 4th.
I'm I the only one who want to see Fluttershy and Discord kiss?
7985386 No you aren't.
yay Almost done. Just to get Applejack and then, The Gang's all here!
cdn.meme.am/instances/65485867.jpg
I have a couple of things I'd like to bring to your attention:
First, you change viewpoints pretty frequently. While this is not a bad thing, you should consider marking the changes more clearly - I think you're using a double space, where a divider like a horizontal rule could really help clear up the confusion in having with the frequent shifts, in that it's hard to keep track of whose perspective we are in.
Second, stylistically you're telling us a lot of what these characters are thinking - which ties into your perspective shifts. Consider staying in one characters perspective longer and showing how the others feel through body language, tone, and expressions, unless the characters inner thoughts are very important to know.
Third, and this may be a deliberate choice on your part, is I know very little about the Inquisitor and his revolution. I get the impression that he is a cunning, ruthless liar with an excellent facade, but it would be much more potent if I had a flashback scene of him of some sort.
Anyway, still a very interesting story - just a couple of suggestions to improve readability and emotional impact. Onwards I go!
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I struggle with this... I use the horizontal rules to deal with scene transitions, but I often switch around character perspectives a lot in scenes. I struggle a lot with actions/showing character emotions, etc, through actions. I'm... not well versed with reading between the lines when it comes to interpreting someone's emotions through their actions... It sometimes comes out rigid and feels repetitive, to say nothing of the times when I have no idea how to show how a character feels without actually stating it. It's something I still need to work on...
It's a deliberate choice. Even in further chapters, I've tried to keep it vague.
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Ah, I can see how that could make it difficult to express emotions.
If you'd like a good way to study and improve on that, consider looking at their body language through a biological perspective - for example, Rainbow Dash is a very physically expressive character in the show - constantly fidgeting and very dynamic. If you look at her actions through a biological perspective, you can see she's fidgeting because she wants to be moving, but knows she shouldnt, or that she's flaring he wings because she feels challenged and her body's reaction is to try to make herself look bigger and more imposing - or like in the opening, when she was moving through the forest, you did a really good job showing her tension through describing her stopping and listening, much like a nervous prey animal would if they felt they were being hunted. If you can carry some of that body language into the dialogue, it'll help cut down on the perspective shifts and increase your overall readability.
For instance, if Twilight says something that makes Rainbow Dash uncomfortable, consider describing her physical reaction - maybe she flinches because the words hurt her, shifts her weight because she wants to leave and not think about it, or looks at her hooves because she feels ashamed.
Facial expressions can be really potent too, but they're harder to convey because of all the subtleties and context that go into them. Body language is usually a little less deliberate and therefore a little more revealing. Also consider emotionally charged movements to help - for instance, a character walks from point a to point b - but if they stride or shuffle says a lot about how they feel - confidence and physical prowess go with a stride or strut, where a shuffle conveys reluctance or physical weakness.
Again, try looking at animals (especially hooved ones) and seeing how one that's hurt, scared, or confident moves - I think that'll really help.
I just finished Chapter Eight, and there's some really good body language in there too - I think in part you need to trust yourself a little more - there's a few parts where you do a really good job showing what Rainbow feels - how she clenched her jaw and gulped when Twilight finished scanning her memory, and struggled when the news wasn't good - and in those spots you change perspective briefly to tell us, as well. The more I look, the more good body language I see, and the more I think you just need to trust yourself in showing us, rather than telling.
Anyway, good luck, and I look forward to seeing where the story goes from here.
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You have some really good tips and analysis here. I really enjoyed how thoughtful it was, and I'm trying to keep it in mind while working on Chapter 19(and other stories' chapters). I think I could learn a lot from studying what you're saying and applying it.
If I'm being honest, I have a lot of self-doubt, and a lot of worry. I don't like experimenting or trying new things (what I think it is, is just me not wanting to, but everyone else seems to think it's fear.) I fear failure, and at times I will publish a chapter and be too afraid to look back at the website until 24 hours has passed. It's a constant struggle for me... I'm kind of afraid when writing that I will do something wrong, and then just like Twilight(or Fluttershy), I blow that fear out of proportion...
Twilight seems to be a bit unstable. It seems a bit odd for her to be so arrogant around her sense of entitlement, saying that equestria is hers. Not sure if she's meant to be like that or if I'm misinterpreting, or if she's a bit out of character
Is starlight going to be in the next chapter because Twilight did want starlight back right?
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That's the plan I have in mind, yes.
WHAT DID SHE TELL STARLIGHT????!!!!
Was a very good concept and plotline for the story
Felt story was a little rushed, like a string of chapters were just bringing back all of Twilight's friends. Maybe you should have had another chapter or so where each character had their own reactions to twilight and how much she's grown and how they are thinking of helping her cope with the deaths of her closest family. Could also have had a chapter or 2 from the Inquisitor's point of view to understand the villain of the story a little more. You might want to go back and add a little more depth to the story, but I like the story overall.
And HEY you got featured on 5/20/17 congratulations!
Can't wait for Civil war to finally get more chapters!
Rk
8177841 The thought never even crossed my mind to write a chapter from the rest of her friends' PoV. As for not writing a chapter or two from the Inquisitor's PoV, there was a reason for that. I probably do need to go back and make serious edits to the story, but of course, finding motivation to do that is impossible- I still haven't finished edits in Civil War of Harmony despite having the edits completed for like two months now...
Also, I missed the feature, drats!
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Reminds me of sinestro Joker he's got like 8 stories lined up and I don't know how he's gonna finish writing them all
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Immortality isn't the same as invulnerability, although there is some overlap. A good example of this would be someone or something whose biology allows them to survive forever, so long as they are properly nourished and such. However, external events can have an impact on their life spans. If I remember correctly, there are some bacterium which can "live forever" but they can be killed.
In this, alicorns are immortal (live forever, barring external events such as getting killed), very powerful, and quite emotional, but they can be killed, even if it is quite difficult.
Wait wait wait wait wait ......let me get this straight the alicorns can die?