- Member Since 20th Jan, 2016
- offline last seen March 13th
Sword Master
“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.”-Maya Angelou
Sword Master
Joined 20th Jan, 2016 ·
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I see today's delivery of cringe has arrived.
More please !!!
You really need an editor. I mean, if you want, I could probably try.
7241289
Thanks, I would like that till I get another editor to make sure it is edited.
7241401 cool. I'll start working on it tomorrow.
7242035
Thanks
Why does this story have so many dislikes? I mean, it can't be that bad, right? ...Right?
"I looked around but I couldn't see anybody that would be able to talk to me. I then turned one last time and saw the crystal heart again. I didn't know why I kept seeing it, but here it was. But then that small voice in my head began to talk to me. It told me to reach out and touch the heart. But something in my gut told me not to, but who listens to their gut. Well, I guess I followed that voice and touched the heart. I then felt a warm feeling go through my body. I then looked to see my mark began to glow bright. I then watched as twelve crystal shards began to circle me. I then watched as each one entered me, the warm feeling kept getting stronger and stronger. It then ended and a bright light began to shine, which caused me to cover my eyes. I then witnessed as twelve shadows started to appear around me. I then heard the female voice spoke again."
Soooo many versions of then's, and to many DAMN "I THEN's"!!!!!
"I then felt a warm feeling go through my body. I then looked to see my mark began to glow bright. I then watched as twelve crystal shards began to circle me. I then watched as each one entered me, the warm feeling kept getting stronger and stronger."
4 "I then's" IN A ROW, COME ON!!!!!, It gets annoying hearing it over and over again in such a short amount of time. You really need go over and edit this, give it some life and variation.
If you don't you might as well call each chapter "I then...."
I'm sorry I can't read this, I tried but, the total amount of I then's is really throwing me off. Its basically, "I grab the sword, I then swing the sword, I then Swing it again, I then Swing it one more time, I then breath, I then breath out, I then Breath, I then I breath out, Then I Took one step, Then I took another step, Then I took another step...." Do you understand why that be incredibly annoying to me?
Also to many I's, but its not that annoying, but It's still not that great in story telling
A good example for i's would be, "I notice a couch, so decided to take a seat on it. Looking around the room and I notice how nice the scenery is and wonder if the owner was the one doing the decorating, myself (try different variations of saying I, Like "myself" for example) could learn a thing or two from them when it comes to my home. It's pretty much a pig-style right now, hopefully(Instead of saying I hope, try hopefully) they don't decide to visit my place.
I am taking my like away until you get that rework cause I don't remember it being like this in the last chapters.
This story is not that bad there are potential for it to be improved. So keep improve it.
7247415
Sorry about them all. I ]'m still getting into the writing life style. I might go back and see how to change a lot of those then's to something else. I can promise that I'll be watching my then count is not crazy like.
7247427
Thanks for the feed back. I will gladly go back to chapter five and look it over again. I'll make sure to change it to a less 'I' and 'then' reading. So check back in a while and I will put it in the comment section of the chapter and my change the title to say I have improved it.
I feel as though Heading home now Twilight cheated in the bet she used her status to get the publishers to give it a chance
Interesting chapter i may say so. Is there going to be a heard thing going on with Xavier and the girls.
7266283
Might be
awsome
m8, its "bet" not "beat" Just to let you know.
... ... ... .... ... ... ... ... bru... ... ... ... why? Why do u do dis? Don't threat a story like a cartoon or alike. Never put an opening or an ending like THIS. This is not an anime! Heck, every damn opening if it was put in words would suck bru! The story so far is nice, yet this one chapter made everything feel wrong ._. Why put paragraph within (-)? Hope next chapter doesn't bring my mood down :S
P.S. This isn't even part of the story, this actually have nothing to do with the story. It is worse than Naruto fillers... if you aren't gonna make a chapter about something that HAPPENS in the story, then put it in your blog and not here :S
P.S.S. Look, when people read a new chapter they don't go back to the 'opening' as you put it. Would you go back and think about this every time you read a chapter? No you won't. That only happen on animes, and cartoons. Something that last for 24 mins. If you try to put a chapter of a anime in words it would become a 30k words worth chapter. Not 2k.
P.S.S.S.... .... .... Why does this make me mad anyway? Meh.
The plot is fantastic, it is but...
Your Grammar...
Your Spelling...
Both are crappy. I have seen multiple cases of shitty writing and this is on the worse side of things.
I and (character)? Reverse that please.
Beat? Bet
Scare? Scar
Just a few examples of what your doing wrong
If, IF by any chance you fix your mistakes I will reread and keep reading for the sake of a good plot
Meant to bring this up a couple chapters ago but you constantly misspelled the word bet you use beat like "I beat a drum" just thought I'd point that out, love the story by the way
You need to work on your narration skills but that's about it. Everything else is fine
Flame and I
Me and Flame
Prologue
Jesus that was painful to read.
What a showdown! Can't wait for the next chapter.
7374294 nah pretty sure its just Flame and I
Wow...this is a really thought out story and I like it for that. I can't wait for more of this story ASAP.
7500339
Thanks, I'll get back to this story after I get a few more chapters in Solar Son done. I already have the next few chapters thought out for this story. So I can say that I'm close to updating this story again.
7500367 Sweet, I may read solar son...I think I already am XD isn't that the one where Celestia has adopted a human child into her family after his real mom passed?
7500376
That's right.
7500455 Ya it sounded familiar.
I just read all the chapters and found something to improve. Typos, typos everywhere. Is english your native language? If not, then you need to find someone who could proofread incoming chapters, and correct posted ones. English is not my native language end even I can see mistake in your writing. If you want, I can try and make then a little better than are now. Just pm me or something. Good luck with writing
I agree OP's are for animes and cartoons, which I skip unless the music is catchy as hell, not fanfictions. Now if you were/are gonna make an animation then it would work but this is something that readers just skip over, therefore you do not need it.
Even when equestrian human spirit did it i would mentally groan then scroll all the way to where the chapter really started.
Its just really unnecessary.
7247415 like how "Friends" episodes would be called "The one with ___________"? Yeah i agree with you there.
Done fall? I think you meant down fall.
Also, it says "I told them about who my family history."
"I haven't spared with anyone in a while" i think you mean sparred.
Really need to double check your writing before you upload.
Also he is busy looking for his mom why is he taking a disciple to teach his martial arts to and listening to music, he has things going on in his life or did he just forget that?
Seriously, is your character on a quest or vacation cuz for a guy on a mission he certainly isnt doing anything to find out what his next move should be.
7350667 the plot is good but why is the character no longer focusing on his mission? Instead he is trying to get a job now. Why? He has a mother to look for, a crystal heart to find, which he has put no effort into researching or finding at all, and a dark force coming for him.
Your character has lost focus on what he is supposed to be doing.
And jesus christ plz proof read before you upload so many misspellings it hurts to read this.
Are you just making this up as you go? I'm being serious, now there is a new villain and an alicorn filly, whom i'm guessing is luna's I guess since moon is in her name.
The main focus is gone at this point to me.
Did you really have him tell his backstory at the beginning of the confrontation? You really should save stuff like that for later because if that was supposed to make me feel sorry for him, then that was weak attempt.
And how did he and his wife have an alicorn foal i'm frickin lost in this maze of confusion.
Applejack had some crusading to do? Funny I thought Applebloom was the crusader.
He is only now finding the crystal heart when he has had long enough to research it or ask twilight about it? Hell, it is on almost everything his mom gave him like the coat and belt he has.
What? Did twilight not see those ever? Not once does she say "hey, that design on your coat looks an awful lot like the crystal heart in the crystal empire, which my brother and sister-in-law are currently ruling. Just thought you should know that."
"Yes, my kids are the twelve Crystal Shard Dragons. Each of my wings represents the elemental property. They are fire, ice, water, light, earth, electricity, life, wind, darkness, tech, steel, and psychic."
1. Change electricity to thunder or lighting
2.Tech? This is not an elemental property whatsoever.
Again with the losing focus?! He was just given the task of finding 12 crystal dragons that are needed to save the world I think that takes priority over a date any day.
Now if the girls decided to tag along on his quest and things happened, it would work.
crystal needs to stop giving love advice and start pointing him in the direction he needs to be heading to find the first dragon crystal.
So final fantasy (for the crystals) meets scott pilgrim vs. The world (for the coins).
Sounds like the world's worst collectathon.
7544098 oi I didn't type this story so don't respond to me.
7544299
Well, that would be a good point, but as Crystal has explained, she doesn't know. Pandora hid her children. So she can't help Xavier find her children.
7544220
The back story idea is a good idea. I'll thank you for that one.
7542914
Xavier doesn't know where to start to look for his mother. But It doesn't bring up the point that I haven't touched on that plot point for a while. So I thank you for bringing that up, so I can help explain that one.
7544253
Yeah, I'll change Zap to thunder and Techno being tech will be explained much later on. I have a whole reason of have how he is an elemental dragon, but it will take to closer to his revealment to tell why.
Am I the only one who thought of Borderlands from reading the title of the chapter.