I Just Want a Comment15,805 stories ·3,691 members
Hypnosis and Mind Control1,620 stories ·3,869 members
A new sexist Prince (voiced by Enrique Iglesias) has arrived after becoming the first alicorn male. He hates all mares and believes they have too much power, and has a plan to over throw all the female princesses... Our mane heroines (and one self insert character Pinkie Pie loves to mention was crudely added by a mediocre writer...) must learn to defeat him after he uses a powerful hypnotic spell on all the stallions and forces them to rebel and join his new kingdom.
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This seems like an interesting story. Please update often.
7262783 Thanks! you're the first person to comment on it, I'll have the next part up either tomorrow or the next day!
This is... interesting. Marshall doesn't seem too bad character-wise and so far Jon is not a glaringly obvious self-insert. The latter has a second positive point to it considering you made Jon as weak to Marshall's magic as Shining Armor; he's not glaringly overpowered and thus he's at least somewhat more fallible than other self-insert characters.
There are a few things I would like to comment on regarding structure, though.
First, do not rely on this:
It is fine to establish the background and setting of a story as well as new things occuring that have not before this time. But this style of narration is something you need to do all or none; either you place something like this in every large narration bit such that it becomes part of the story, or you don't do it at all. You do it every once in a while, but it kind of jerks back and forth between being serious, straight-forward narration and this wacky fourth-wall-breaking tone, and so it would help if you had it a little more consistently one or the other.
Second, do not do this:
It's your job as a writer to show these things. What did Shining Armor and Jon do? How did this make Big Mac feel happy? How long did it take to make him feel happy? Why is it specifically these two characters and not anyone else? These are all important details you pretty much completely gloss over with sentences like this. Plus there is the added fact that you are trying to evoke a visual thing in written media, which is nigh completely ineffective without extreme detail, at which point it's not exactly a montage anymore.
Third, do not do this:
This is... spotty at best. Music, especially lyrical music, is very difficult to place in literature. You're one step ahead of some by giving a tune to go off of, but most people will not click that link because it is somewhat distracting, and thus you get the great majority of people that have no idea of what the music is supposed to sound like. Also, your formatting here is all over the place with the parenthesis and the alternating lines that are all sort of squished together; you're trying to fit too many different media styles in here by trying to make it like a written music video, which is almost as problematic trying to convey as the montage up above. With this odd format, consider yourself lucky if people even recognize the difference in the two for a while.
Fourth, do not do this:
To begin with, I have no idea who Cree Summer is. As such, this doesn't help me at all in trying to convey how she sounds. It is better and more effective to say what she sounds like. Is she more husky or clear and bright sounding? Is it higher and musical or is it monotone? Is it quick and hurried or is it more relaxed and laid-back? Is it (American) South, royal British English, Cockney British English, trace of Eastern European accent, Indian, Russian, what? That is way more effective than just saying who she sounds like, and remember there's a lot of different ways to describe how a voice sounds. Use them; description is the writer's best friend (so long as it doesn't become purple prose).
Finally, do not do this:
This is the closest thing to a "montage" you're going to get. But the problem is it's telling us a lot but not showing us anything. Why not put in a section of Twilight's speech, make Rarity interrupt her in the middle of a sentence, and tell her this in dialogue? Not only does this tell us stuff about the scene by putting in actual character reactions and voices, but it also makes it more personal and delves into the lives of these characters. Part of writing is making the reader want to invest their time in these characters and if you merely report what they do there's no real interaction or immersion happening and the reader won't want to go much farther.
My advice to you is this: find some of the highest-rated stories on the site and pick up some of the higher-rated pieces of classic literature - J. R. R. Tolkien, C. S. Lewis, Dostoyevsky, Capote, etc. - and read them. See how they evoke character and description and action. Do writing exercises, challenge yourself to improve and take these concepts to the next level. You have an interesting premise here; fix your structure and it'll probably be a damn good story.
7263033 Wow you put a lot of thought into that! You make some great points. My responses are these:
1) You're totally right about thatI I want this to be somewhat serious and present a lot of true feelings like everything Marshall complains about, but I also want this to be set as if it was actually an episode of the show, where even in the most drastic situations they have great comedy (Pinkie Pie wanting to see a changeling do her) butI have a problem with that structure and tend to place the jokes where they don't belong.
2) As I will explain in 3, the montage Shining and Jon did was presented more, but reinstating it was intended to be kind of like a Family Guy quick little self referential cutaway that had a huge backfire due to the lack of explanation in it so you got a point there.
3) I don't know what the heck happened to that part, I typed them to where the lyrics were underlined and italics and the scenes were normal, but for some reason when I transferred them to FimFiction, it got super glitchy and malformed and I don't know why, heck the entire chapter 3 got horribly formatted on FanFiction,net too, no clue why it happened.
4) First, you may know her as Susie Carmichael, Foxxy Love, Number 5, Valerie Gray... she has so many roles... And second of all, I don't really know how to describe her voice... it's just so unusual, the best I can do is say it's raspy and has a huge urban accent to it. However I defiantly should have described Marshall's voice, believe me Enrique Iglesias' speaking and singing voices are nothing alike and trust me I did not do his voice justice here, so I'll give you that one.
5) I was just worried about spoiling the speech because it was fresh in my mind and I wasn't sure how to differentiate them, so point goes to you there.
Also, thanks for the points on Marshall and Jon, when Marshall's backstory is revealed he will make much more sense (but he won't have a freudian excuse though, I hate those). And Jon is literally me (with the exception of his love of manga and horror stories) but he isn't powerful at all, he has such a small horn his magic isn't too good! Also, this story is still intended to be comedic and having a perfect character means having no chances for comedy at all, and I love self referential jokes so I love making my guy look bad.
7263080
I can't explain the occasional line that looks like two smashed together, but Fimfiction has a very specific formatting system. As such, you use certain formatting styles in Word they won't translate over when copy-pasting to Fimfiction. For example, to italicize, you have to put [ i][ /i] around the text you want italicized but without the spaces. There's other stuff for bolding and italicizing, but it's weird considering you have it bolded somewhere else but the stuff you said was supposed to be italicized isn't, so I'm not sure if that's a mistake on your part of not formatting it properly or Fimfiction for not entirely recognizing it.
Still no recognition, but this introduces another problem: if these are animated roles, some voice actors can modify their voices per the role they're playing. Best example I can think of is the voice actress for Spike, Cathy Weseluck; you watch a panel where she appears at a convention and she sounds nothing like Spike normally but alters her voice for the role. Thus someone who saw Summers in one role may have an entirely different opinion of her voice than another role simply because the needs of the role can be different. You say it's raspy and has an urban accent? For me, that does a lot more than saying who you imagine it to be voiced by because it's something a little more tangible to me than a name I don't recognize.
I don't actually think you put that in. Do it! It's a small detail that could be of some plot importance later on, so introduce it early. This is another of those little details that increases immersion in a story; it seems like a tiny detail, but it can really change how people view the character.
7263098
About the text formating, I got the bold part done easily when I saw the bold button on the site, but it became too much of a hassle to out the italics on the lyrics so I tried deleting them but then this happened... There are going to be other song parts put in too and hopefully they'll be better
Cree Summer is probably the most recognizable voice in cartoons, trust me, if you know one of her voices you know them all, if it was Tara Strong, then I would see your point.
I didn't mention the horn part because there just wasn't a scene to show him using magic, don't worry I will work it in, it's supposed to surprise the other characters, and he doesn't like to talk about it... he's really embarrassed by it, he drank so much coffee it stunted the horn's growth.
7263114
Did a quick Wiki search...
I know two of the voices: Cleo from Clifford the Big Red Dog and Kida from Atlantis: The Lost Empire. And honestly, there is a slight difference in the roles: the raspy quality is very much reduced when she's voicing Kida compared to Cleo, and so there's a small difference. Not as noticeable as it is with others, but it is still present. Again, sticking with the "raspy and urban-like" evokes more than just listing an actor name.
7263139 Alright you win then.
(by the way, seven dislikes and not a single one commented to say why, talk about mean!)
7263161
It happens rather often, sadly.
Interesting story so far. Definitely not a great story, but I enjoy seeing this Prince Marshal's rants about mare being unfair with stallions, and make an ass of himself. He has deep routed unresolved issues with mares, which I suppose that he was always rejected by mares because of his bad looks and his resenting attitude toward them, for which he shifts the blame on them instead on reflecting about himself. Because of that, he warps his reality of everything he see around him as to fit his obsessions against mare. Seeing the other story he is quite possibly be a closet case of repress homosexuality, or that he feels just feel inadequate compared to any other stallions around him and that the pet fetish pet play of homomorphic scene is just a way for him to make him feel better about himself, by not feeing threaten by them because of his low self-esteem. coupled with his apparent accession of becoming an alicorn prince, he is indulging himself in every power trip that his little troll mind can come up with couple which his mind control powers will make sure that he get everything he wants from it and I am sure that he will make lots stupid decisions in order to get what he wants. I am looking forward to see what's the next plan in his little skim.
7278337 Hello Mrs. Torres, AP Literature ended two weeks ago! (a joke)
For the most part you're on par fairly well with Marshall. Though like I said, this story influences the other story but that story is i dependent of this one. As far as I'm concerned for this story, Marshall is asexual, and he's actually considered very attractive (one of the reasons I imagine his VA as Enrique Iglesias.) Though most people just 'assume' he's unattractive because he's half donkey. I'm glad to know you thought so much about him and want to know more, don't worry, when I explain his backstory he will finally reveal why he hates males.
7278390
Well I like character with deep routed flaws they are more likely to do things that other sane people would not normally do.
I thought he hated mares not stallions?
If he is half Donkey then that means he is a "mule"
7278449
1) Thanks!
2) Typo sorry...
3) A mule is a hybrid of a male donkey and a female horse, a hinny is a hybrid of a male horse and a female donkey.
7278452 Sorry, my mistake I forgot about that.
7278456 I wanted to have a hybrid so it would be a metaphor for Marshall being half hispanic. Also, hinnies if you ask me, are very very cute. So everyone thinks they would be ugly like mules but they all find him very attractive as a surprise. Plus I wanted to finally have a good hinny on MLP, the only time they ever referenced them was once and I'm pretty sure she was an actor
7278466 I think it's more about the coverart that lead me to believe he was ugly as he seems to be rather forgettable with his colors and seem to be rather on edge with his eyes and the lines on his legs seemed to make me think it was wrinkles which add to the image of being much older then he might be.
7278481 I didn't draw him, somepony from Bronysquare drew him for me. He's actually older than Cadence but sense he's a hinny (they're very small) he looks as old as Twilight
I'll bet that he''l brainwash Spike next.
7290471 I'll have part 5 up tomorrow, trust me later in LOTS more will be brainwashed too.
What, no "We don't need no steenking badgers" joke?
7293885 Wait he actually said badgers? I thought it was badges this whole time! (I've never seen that movie just heard that quote)
I think the chapter could have been funnier with having each stallions getting their comeuppances for breaking up with the mares or that doing it was much more difficult then it had to be for them. I think what I like about Marshal as a character is that he is the perfect jerk to use slapstick on. he get no sympathy from the reader and he is a crazed maniac that want the work to fit his wishes but he is so short sighted, or that they are so amateurish in its preparation that it is bond to fall apart a some critical point in the story. For Mocha in the story, I think that he could be interesting at a loyal lackey for Marshal even with his sarcasms which serves for point out the huge gaping holes in Marshal's plans and adjust them accordingly. but, shouldn't be spared any of the collateral damage that goes his way and his sarcasm
What makes this story interesting to me is that you don't tale it seriously at all and I think you should go further in the slapstick humor.
7295023 I'll be sure to work in more slapstick in the next chapter than. Thanks for the advice! (I always think of funny ways to make Marshall get hurt but I always end up forgetting to put them in, I wanted to do a part where he got a bunch of rubble from the bust last chapter thrown in his direction inadvertently hitting him and totally forgot to put it in)
7295043 that'S good to hear that you are going to be focus sing more on the slapstick. I think that each character should have their own brand of misfortune For Marshal I was thinking that a his plans blow up in his face in the end because of his over eagerness or that neglect some important aspect of the plan or that Mocha make a mistakes.
For Mocha I was thinking that he seem to harm himself in the most anodyne elements that is around him.
For shiny and Mac I am not sure. Seeing that Shining in the show has lost to every confrontation with the enemy you might want him play with that somehow. for Mac I would imagine that behind his stoic persona hides some secrets.
7295095 i can definitely do that for Me and Marshall but I'll see what I can do about Shining and Mac
Interesting to see that Marshal is actually allergic to pollen, I wonder if we will see more of this in the near future affect his plans, I would have thought that sneezing or having a hinging boguer on his muzzle would have help make the seen funnier
. So Shining somehow managed to free himself from Marshal's mind control magic, that and he soddenly really needed to go pee I wander if he has blabber control problems? he might need to consult a doctor for this.
It was Interring to see all those MLP stallions just up an leave to fond a new kingdom of their own. I am looking forward to see more soon.
7298805 The pee thing was just an alibi so he can leave without being caught that he isn't brainwashed anymore XD
7298885 I knew that (eyes shifting)
, it is just that it is such a classic move in those sorts of situation that I had to crack a jock about it.
7298989 Well it was fun getting to write this chapter, adding the more slapstick jokes was really fun and a lot more of an inspiration to continue, check in a few days for part 7
7299005 okay, I will
7299017 And it's not necessarily a 'new kingdom' it's just a re establishment of Equestria's kingdom
It's interesting so far, I don't have much to say other that I hope that the buildup of the story will lead to a lot of hilarity in see Marshals plans will lead to. I wander what he will do to do a population growth of his new kingdom.
7302103 Well my guess is there will be about at least 3 more parts to go before it's finished
this is an interesting chapter, We see that Mocha has a nice collection of many/stalliony of plushes and every one of them have a complex background story. To explain marshal past that is posed to explain why he hats mare so much has its good part but it feel a bit flat toward the end, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that coming form a grown stallion... I think that it the ranting could have been much longer and get progressively get more peaty as it goes long. I thing the part where his sisters was perfection incarnate to their parents eye and that marshal was always in his sister's shadow all his life, even doe he had very descent grades was very interesting but I thing that their peaty sibling rivalry could have been more expanded upon, like he was out shine her her in every way and that he always found himself on the out shined from sports baking signing, would have been a good way to build even more resentment against his sister and would have been expanded with all the other mares that he had interaction with further increasing his feeling of Inadequacy until it explodes. I think that the part that he managed to reveal a plot of cheating in the vote for princess sort of ruins the effect and should have restored his confidence in his warped mind in the idea in the system that their is no sexual discrimination against stallions. I think that big reveal could have worked if his victory had been sour by something even worst that happen to him afterwards; like having him been called princess the whole time or something worst. I like the fact that his allergies had constantly plagued life, seeing that he is a herbivore that is something, and that it had ruined his image and life experiences more than ones. I am surprised that he had never been confused to be a donkey instead of a highny. I would have liked to see Mocha be even more snarly with Marshal but that could come later.
To be honest this chapter explains a lot. While I think Marshall over reacted (not realizing a lot of votes came from mares at the school) it makes a decent plot twist. Great job with the chapter.
7328194 He was supposed to over react, there will be more mini flashbacks later that follow the same trend of him being out shined by his sister but are more comedy based and intended to show that he really over reacted to her then and he starts blaming mares when he really wasn't supposed too. Don't worry, Marshall is still the villain, this isn't supposed to be a Freudian excuse to where he opens up and later becomes good because of it, he is still evil and everypony will still think of him as evil throughout the story and he will suffer in the end.
7327574 I wanted it to seem like Marshall was blaming all girls for something over all petty done by just a few girls, that's why I switched it like that, also, I plan to have more mini back stories later that are more comedy based that just emphasize how he over reacts later and blames girls for nothing. What do you mean confused to be a donkey? It's like seeing a tan child during grade school, you never really know theyre hispanic so you don't judge based on that.
7328429 here's some idea for the stallion uprising.
In ponyville Mayor mayor is telling time turner to readjust her schedual so he can get her mane dyed. Instead of sighing and complying, he tells her he worked for weeks getting her schedual a together, and if she want to throw all of his work in the trash then he quits.
Dr philp (dr Phil) is talking with a couple. And of course he starts with telling the stallion he needs to love and respect his mare. (Taking the mares side about her feeling under appresheated) then dr and the stallion team up and tell her all she has been doing wrong and how she needs to treat her husband better.
A contracto pony, is listening to a mare's tenth idea change. Once the mind control hits, he tells her off, and quits.
Hoity totiy (the fashion pony) fires all the mares after they complain about the simplest things with his design.
The guard stallions break composure when mares Dilberatly try to mess with them.
Iron will telling. The mares to leave is audience so that way the stallions can learn how to assert themselves against the mares.
What do you think?
7328431 Sorry, I meant mule. For his past, I feel that his frustration might be sort of justified by certain people, but over time he would blow it out of proportion, he would imagine seeing discrimination every where he goes. I would think that last even might have started to make him weary of woman at the very least and make him try to out strip his sister. Still I have a little trouble imagining that he managed to use mind control magic, seeing that he was a hiny pepasus so soon after he became an alicorn, what would make him research it in the first place, back then?
7328499 I really love some of those ideas! They will actually come in handy for the next chapter you have no idea! Thank you!
7328501 Alright first, mules and hinnies are fairly easy to tell apart, mules get all the ugly traits of horses and donkeys and hinnies get all the cute traits from them.
His motivations will be explained more later don't worry, like I said I have more flash backs planned.
7328538 would you like more ideas?
7328589 Got any involving Dr Whooves or Caramel?
7328596 Doctor whooves kicking Derpy out of the tartdis. Claiming her clumsiness nearly destroyed a plane to again. And tell her until she learns to follow his rules, she can't come with him.
For Carmel, have it be that his latest delivery went astray, because a mare moved the grass seeds to a better place for them. When Carmel is getting blamed for being late or forgetting it, he grows a back bone and stands up to the mare and tells her off.
For Thunderlane. The twins blossom and (the other sister) are both trying to date Thunderlane. Thunderlane tells them both off, saying how they know only one of them can date him and when they break up, he will be blamed as a jerk. He is not going to repeat what happened to the last 4 stallions.
Snips and snails shoot spit wads at silver spoon and Diamond Tiara after they blame them for something as school.
Pipsqueak tells the party commity that they are only making girly parties. With lace and stuff animals and dresses. He and the other colts want to do paintball. Scootaloo loves the idea.
Jet stream tells off his wife and tells her he knew she was having an affair so he has had three. He also says screw social standing, he is filing for divorce.
Donut joe tells mares to get out of his shop when they whine for him to serve salad or a fat free donut.
Spike gets fed up with Twilight treating him like a baby and so he's moving out. He can even come to Marshall if you want.
Braeburn tells some mares off who are critiquing his work. The mares have been "thinking" about how the town should be decorated, while the men are trying to get the harvest and other things prepared.
Do you like these?
7328624 These actually help a lot! Wait for tonight or tomorrow and oart 9 will be up and you can see how it plays out! Thanks so much!
That was unexpected but pleasant.
7330918 Honestly when I first thought of the story I never imagined what happened here but they eventually came to me and I just had to work with them, thanks for the tips by the way they helped a lot
Twilight is a real bleeding heart if she is willing to take to take all those minor example of mares getting favoritism over the stallion and take hims side from that little troll. Still, it was a good chapter.
7332610 She's not turning evil or anything. trust me that was an extremely hard decision and she is aware of how minor those things were, but they represent a lot more things she didn't know were happening, she feels guilty that all this was happening without her knowing and she just wants to figure out how Marshall managed to do it.
Nice job with the hypnotist and Moochas encouragement to Twilight.