Twilight Sparkle, a kind, yet meek, aspiring scientist. Sunset Shimmer is the cool girl of Canterlot High, with a busy father and a loving mother. Little do their classmates know, they are in actuality, Canterlot’s renowned superhero duo, Ladybug and Cat Noir! Granted these powers by spirit beings known as Kwamis, follow Twilight´s attempts to woo Sunset, Sunset dealing with her home life, and their fights against Hawk Moth and her army of Akumas!
(Crossover with Miraculous Ladybug. Sex tag is for a fair amount of innuendos, lewd daydreams, etc.)
Chapters (1)
I'm going to be honest....The story has alot of promise....But that was....so dam fast even Dash would be confused.
Seriously fresh out the chapter, don't rush it so fast, there was no build up or a good entry to this chapter.
it was like getting a declious cake and then getting it shoved in you're face.
7475964 Oh, I guess I could have fleshed it out a bit more.
7475964 All chapters after shall slow down the pacing, not too slow, yet not too fast
7476221
Yes, it was just too much all at once, for the start of the story. I mean seriously, everything was thrown in my face and smeared on as well, that the feeling I got from this chapter.
I didn't even bother to finish it, was just...too much, too fast, too many things way too soon.
7476259 I guess, granted, some shows, do that as well, but I shall try and slow down
Okay first thing's first: it does irritate me that you beat me to publishing a Flutterbug story even though I came up with the idea first (back in February) but just never had time to start working on it. But I can be adult about that; this will not deter me from (eventually) writing and publishing Flutterbug and Mac Noir.
Personal BS out of the way, I see a problem with this story right out of the gate before I even start reading, and that's the word count.
At present, I have written over a dozen Miraculous Ladybug fanfics, including several "episode style" installments dealing with an Akumatized villain or other menace. So I speak from experience when I tell you that you cannot do a formula Miraculous episode in under 4,000 words.
Now, as to the story itself:
- As I expected when I saw the word count, this is hellaciously rushed.
- You desperately need a prereader and an editor.
Isn't this supposed to be the Equestria Girls setting? Which does not, last I checked, have minotaurs? He should be human then, should he not?
And, umm...Iron Bull?
I don't care for the notion of Rainbow Dash as Chat Noir. Aside from being blatant shipping trash, you picked her because she's an athlete while ignoring the character dichotomy of Adrien.
Also, you telegraphed Hawk Moth's identity far too blatantly. And while I'm on that subject:
So Rainbow has two mothers and no father, I see. I think you need to revisit the concept of biology and how it relates to children being conceived and born.
Okay, so gonna be blunt: This is bad. Before anyone says I'm being harsh on this story because I'm jealous I was "beaten to it", I'm not. I'm judging it on its own merits, and it is frankly bad.
Your pacing is awful, your character choices for the story roles are questionable, you bulldoze right through things because you can't be bothered to build up the world, characters, and scenario properly, relying entirely on the reader's familiarity with Miraculous Ladybug to fill in the gaps.
And even then, you're pushing it too fast.
When you write a crossover that's designed to be "Fandom A meets Fandom B", you must always assume that the target audience ("Fandom A") is ignorant of Fandom B. You must build things up slowly and explain Fandom B to the readers in Fandom A so that they're not completely lost in the shuffle.
Also, a word of advice for this kind of crossover? Don't awkwardly shoehorn things to fit "the mold". Fluttershy's parents don't have to be bakers. Rainbow doesn't have to be wealthy with a single parent who is also Hawk Moth. Innovate. Reinvent. Make the story your own.
I applaud you for writing a Miraculous crossover. I applaud you for being inspired by one of the most amazing animated series to come along since Friendship is Magic. But this? This is sad. This needed a lot more planning, a lot more work, and a lot more prereading.
7476389 Thank you for the critque Mythril. I will admit to being half asleep when I wrote this, so I shall take it down, and improve it. Granted, I don´t really know WHO to put as Adrien in this. I mean, I could go Flash, but well, he´s kind of....lame in canon, unless I go the way you did him in Persona EG
I'm ticked. I come here expecting to see Rainbow Dash and Flutters and instead I see egghead and Sunset?
The title is confusing. Also why is this in Flutterdash? Are u going to change the title?
Also nothing against Twilight, but are you sure Sunset and Twily are the way to go for this one?
7477297 Well, I was gonna go the way of FlutterDash, but after a talk through with Myth, I realized Dash isn´t really the perfect fit for Adrien. I meant, she would make a good Cat Noir, as for Adrien....eh
Yeah, but why not?
And how would Sunnny be
better?
7477341 I like the chemistry the two have.
7477341 Also, do not fret. FlutterDash will be here, as the Nino and Alya of the fic. And yes, they shall be recieving Miraculouses
Rainbow Dash as Nino? Flutters as Alya? No offense bro but how are those characters related to Flutters and Rainbow in any way?!
Flutters is nothing like Alya or Nino. And Rainbow is far from a gamer. Just saying!
7477468 If I recall, Rainbow and AJ did game with each other during the first EG
Not online.
7477592 Still counts as gaming. As for Alya, I can´t really think of who could be Alya
Well if Flutters isn't Alya then who is Futtershy?
7477791 Hmm, I was thinking she´d be Juleka, or maybe Mylene, I think that´s how you spell her name anyway. Pinkie will be Alya
Finally a character relation I can get behind.
7478319 Thanks :) More to come. Post Akuma suggestions if you or other commenters wish, I have some ideas
Villain ideas :Maniac, Sweetie Bell= puppeteer.
Thats all i got
Okay, now let's look at the overhauled version.
Edit the description for errors please.
Don't do this. This should be:
Two and a half years ago...
Is there some particular reason Twilight is blue in your story and not purple?
from the rainwater
You still need a prereader and an editor. Your writing style is very rough and you abuse commas and run-on sentences like an angry drunk abuses his wife.
...seriously?
Unnecessary metaphor is unnecessary.
This sentence just ends there.
Two things here:
1. Don't use texting shorthand in dialogue. Ever.
2. What the hell are you even using in place of quote marks there?
Is Shining Armor dating or married? Make up your mind, please.
Any explanation coming for how Cadance knew who Sunset was, or any reaction from Twilight to Cadance knowing Sunset's name?
Okay, skimming the rest of this without specific comments...
This is still very rushed and has a lot of problems, both technically and with the writing itself. Your pacing is a little better, but you still seem to want to force the story to move from point A to point D without even waving at points B and C. You have characters not reacting to things they should be reacting to. You seem to expect the audience to simply assume all teenage girls are lesbians as an excuse for the ship, without bothering to make it look like anything but your own personal kink. If you want to make the ship believable, you have to sell it. You can't just say "Oh hey, Sci-Twi and Sunset are gay for each other because" and let it go there. That doesn't work.
I'm sorry to say this, but I can't continue reading this story.
7478399 Ah, well, looks I have more polishing to do
7478324 Ok, Akuma suggestions, first of, the crazy weather lady villain should be either flitter or her sister.
And second of all, the akumatized skater could be Scootaloo.
7478509 So Stormy Weather and Chronobreaker (Or was it Time Breaker?), hmm, interesting. I was also thinking of original ones as well
Villains: Diamond Tiara for Climatica and Flash for Dark Cupid.
I think Chloe would either represent Rarity or Sunny Flare.
Alya would be Moondancer.
Nino would be if you have a male OC, put him as Nino.
That's my shots, I tried making one but I argued not to do it.
7478521 Well, Suri will be the Chloe of this fic, with CoCo as her Sabrina
7478521 I like your shots!
7478531 Thanks. I was just watching Miraculous until I read this fic.
7478591
7478531 Hey, would either of you like to help me by being editors or prereaders?
7478596 Sure. I'm up for it but I'm only available for Fridays, Saturdays, and Sundays.
7478672 Works for me, maybe you could look over the current chapter, and any future ones I link to you, and make sure everything jells
7478596 Okie dokie lokie!
7478681 Sure.
7478705
So, if both of you could read over the current chapter, and either send me an edited version or tell me where to edit, that would be sweet!
7477341
7478717 Kay, kay. I'm on it, like a dashing comet.
7478717 Kay, I'll try to get on it soon.
7478738
7478745 Via a PM
The first chapter seems a little confusing and a bit rushed... No, "rushed" is to the right word. Sci-Twi and Sunset seemed to accept very easily the Kwami's story and the whole Miraculous thing, yet it doesn't seem to be a bad story. I'll track it and see how the next chapters will be...
Also: I think both Sci-Twi and Sunset can figure out each others secret identity, but that is just my opnion.
7479911 Eh, in Miraculous Ladybug itself, Adrien and Marinette can´t figure out who the other is, even though their hairstyle and eyes remain almost exactly the same. Well, Cat´s becomes slitted, cat like, but still.
7479945 Yeah, I know. I just said it was my opnion, since Sunset, when she's not under pressure, seems to be good in solving puzzles and etc.
Then again, it's just my opnion. Your story, your rules.
7479960 Still, quite true. I would just chalk it up to just thinking that Sci-Twi doesn´t seem like the type to trapheize around in a skintight red and black suit. Granted, Sunset probably wouldn´t be the type to wear black leather
I'veheard this is a good sho
7770119 It is, you should check it out
Tikki almost said Marinette. So this must be after the show Miraculous, right?
8382101
Yup, don't worry, Marinette ain't dead
This is actually funny considering how ladybug is Cadence’s nickname for Twilight.
8892986
I think that's just a song, but hah