- Member Since 1st Sep, 2015
- offline last seen Jul 23rd, 2023
EquineAvenger
Read my fics. Comment on them, tell me if you like them or if I can improve something. If someone could make pages for them on tvtropes that would be great. Enjoy.
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Interesting story. I can't wait for more!
Interest piqued.
I love the idea when you posted it and love ti more that you're writing it.
Susnet was devasted, and heart broken, there was conqunces and they fail to see that.
Did they really think everything would be normal again...far from it.
Sunset lost her trust in her former friends and is breaking it off slowly with them, thou the direction she going is worst.
I knwo the Rainbooms are going to be crushed by this when they find out.
They have no one to blame but themselves for this, it going to be a series of bitter pills to swallow for them and the CMC.
Nnope.
7496160 Eeyup
First off, I want to say I'm enjoying the story and that you're updating so frequently. I'd like to point out a few things, though.
You do some telling-not-showing in this chapter, like here:
You don't need to tell us they're remembering something horrible. You already talked about how the Anon-A-Miss incident went down, and Diamond just told us about her terrible dinner. We already know what they're remembering, so I suggest just having them frown or pause or shudder to let us know that the memory is fresh in their mind. Another example is here:
Besides the fact that the word is congratulations (with a t), we don't need the dialogue tag telling us that Rarity congratulated Sunset when Rarity literally just said, "Congratulations, darling." I suggest this:
Which brings me to my next point. When a quote ends in a period, but the sentence itself doesn't end, replace the period with a comma, like I did above. Sure, the quote itself ended, but the quote wasn't the end of the sentence, said was, the quote being simply what Rarity said (that is, the object of the sentence). This is also, by the way, the reason you don't capitalize a non-proper noun after a quote, even if the quote ends in a question mark or exclamation mark, like so:
That was never a mistake I saw you make, but consider it an addendum to what I got done talking about.
Lastly, don't capitalize five when you're referring to the main cast. They're not called the Humane Five in-universe, so just stick with "the five" (as in, the five girls).
Anyway, I hope this helps. I'm really looking forward to reading more of your story. Good luck in this and your future endeavors
!
7498241 I've made some corrections to this chapter like you suggested. Hope you find it much better now. Thank you.
7500030 You're very welcome
! Glad I could help.
7505260 NO! We will have none of that here!
Any disrespectful comments to anyone will be deleted.
Can't wait to see chapter three.
can't wait for more
Something tells me worst will be Demon Susnet coming out and tearing Zak to pieces and reforming him and tearing him to pieces...why that bad because when she thru she go after everyone else I do mean the CMC and Rainbooms.
Can't wait for the girls to relaize the hidden messages in Sunset discussion on Zak.
( “Well for starters, he understands and trusts me, he doesn’t make fun of my past all the time like you all do.” The last part Sunset said in a bitter tone. ) I reall hope that repeats in thier little puny minds.
I can already tell things will get a lot worse than what they are right now. Just keep in mind when writing a story like this one you need to build up to the physical abuse that Sunset Shimmer will soon face. Don't jump into it right away. Give the readers some time to see just how bad things get then give them the really dark in your face abusive attitude this Zack character has.
I'm getting flashbacks to "Screams of Silence" right now...
Ok, Zak need to die. Or get the shit beaten out of him. And Sunset needs to WAKE THE FUCK UP
My shit, Sunset, break up with him and file a restraining order of about 2 COUNTRIES AWAY.
You seriously have too ask, Pinkie?
And the flashbacks keep getting stronger...
I'm having some issues with Zak here, and it's not because he's an abusive jerk. It's because he's so obviously terrible and doesn't even try to hide the fact that he abuses Sunset. He's even said in public--right in front of someone, even--that he's gonna force Sunset to strip for him and his friends, and she clearly was afraid of the idea. I know there are people like that in real life, but in real life, the cops tend to be called pretty quickly for this sort of thing.
And I don't think it's really ethical of Dr. Shrink to even mention that he's Sunset's therapist. There are some exceptions when you're looking out for your client's safety, but I think Celestia should've asked the girls about Sunset and gotten back to Dr. Shrink (being Sunset's principal, I'd think it'd be less of a problem for Dr. Shrink to speak with her about Sunset) rather than have Dr. Shrink talk to the girls about Sunset's therapy (which tends to be a pretty sensitive topic).
I'm not one for EQG fics (despite making a one-shot myself) but HURRY THE FRICK UP WITH THOSE CHAPTERS! So we can Zak get it good.
I think rainbow will sneak around and take pictures and then show what is really going on but after she trys to take the Matter in her hands first.
7771775 I understand some of your issues. I try to make the antagonists in some of these stories so vile in order to keep readers from hating the rainbooms, the crusaders, and the students of CHS too much. I'm giving readers someone to truly root against, with the exception of Krampus in my krampus story.
7792393
Well it sorta worked but... It's still the Rainbooms and CMC's fault thou the Rainbooms are at the most fault in this mess, they seem to think everythingw a alright after what happen, and keep saying it.
Sounds like thier in denail and hope when they learn the truth it bitchslaps them hard in the faces.
Just how lousy excuse they are as friends to Sunset.
Alright, I can't wait for the next chapters. Because I really want someone to beat the everliving crap out of Zak.
Ok
No
No no no no
If this is story is sunset in an abusive relationship story then realistically this would not have more than 2 chapters.
This and and the next one of the girls kicking yhe ever loving shit out of the guy XD.
Seriously ghe moment he grabbed her by the collar AJ and Dash would have decked him.
If the next chapter isnt them telling twilight that this is going on. And that she and princess celeztia doesn't show up furious i will call bullshit XD
1. Please continue this story
2.CAN I KILL THAT ASSHOLE?! MY CHARGERS BUMPER WOULD LOOK NICE BASHED IN HIS SKULL!!
8402034
I'll get right on it.
8402222
It hasn't been updated for almost a year
8402369
I've been busy, but I'm working on the next chapter right now.
8402369
It's ready now
8403338
(My EQG OC) I think Sunset needs someone who cares about her. My sister has reports about this asshole and well.....
I may have a slight crush on her.
But otherwise can I just hit this asshole with my car?!
They still don't know do they?
8403734
Don't know what? That Sunsets boyfriend is a worthless peice of shit that need to either be in jail or have his brains splattered all over my front bumper? Pretty sure they know that.
Just sayin
8403885
I meant that Sunset is not getting away from Zak. Anon-A-Miss hurt that much.
8403939
If they realized it was to the point of therapy foe Sunset they should've realized the abusive boyfriend was too. So yeah you got a point.
Wanna help me run Zak over?
the plan?
BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THEM!
holy shit man no no no no
no way in HELL her firends would have let her get into the car. no way in hell!
talking talking
action damn it! XD
RD and AJ would have started throwing punches the moment he walked out of the car let alone manhandle sunset like that.
like fuck act your characters damn it! XD
a cruel way to do this would be if sunset was saved by the sirens. i can see it perfectly. they are walking and talking and see sunset being abused step in and beat the shit out of the guy and become her new bbfs
8412966
I apologize if some of this is a little frustrating to read, but I promise you everything will turn out alright in the end. I wanted to make the Five try every option they had before resorting to violence. But don't worry, Zak is going to get everything that's coming to him in the end.
8414059
GOOD
he better and it better be epic.
8414059
Just please don't make Zak the Human World version of Jewelius from your other story.
8421563
They're both vile characters but completely different people.
8421580
Update?
8480041
Working on it. Been so busy with midterms and projects.
8480059
Okay.
Update?
8529889
Working on it. Been dealing with exams, projects, and writer's block but I think I have an idea of what to write for the next chapter.
8554928
Okay. I'll be waiting to kill her boyfriend
When exactly will the next chapter be out? I need to get Maggie ready.