Bloodied Canvas
Gloomy, damp, and cold; the weather that clung to Canterlot’s skies foretold of an oncoming storm, the first of many such storms that brought snow and heralded winter. Snow had not yet fallen onto the Golden City, the gold and marble crown of Equestria’s civilization, and so ponies, gryphons, and other assorted races still hurried about doing their usual duties. The city had seen an influx of workers after the recent Changeling invasion. Craft-workers forming an exotic potpourri that helped display the country’s acceptance of others.
However, not all were accepted. Some ponies moved through the crowds on a mission: counter espionage. The Changelings had managed to hit ponies where it hurt the most, and now the streets were regularly patrolled by vigilantes with magic nullification stones –runestones enchanted with the ability to nullify magic in an area around those carrying them. Their purpose: to catch Changelings.
Even three years later, ponies were still wary.
A mother and daughter strolled amicably into the market district, each looking about at the wares on display. The mother smiled down at her daughter and led her on, walking towards a nearby vegetable stand.
“Vanessa, fancy seeing you here today,” the vendor called, waving them over, “With all the mess going on since the invasion, I’d have thought you’d be up to your withers in work!”
The white unicorn smiled and brushed her long pink mane from her eyes with her magic, “That was years ago, though with the recent news I sort of am, Pickle, but even a correspondence therapist needs time off.” She replied, picking out a couple of vegetables from the cart. “After all, if I don’t go out and do the shopping neither Echo nor Pale will eat, and I can’t have that.”
Pickle nodded, turning his happy smile on the silvery-grey pegasus filly who cowered from him slightly. “Of course, and how is young Canvas, not getting that pretty orange mane into trouble are we?”
Vanessa cut in with a chortle, “My little girl would never misbehave for mommy, would she sweetie?”
Pale shook her head vigorously, “Nu-uh!”
“That’s my girl,” her mother crooned, leaning down and kissing her forehead gently.
“Terrible business, that Changeling stuff;” Pickle said as he looked through Vanessa’s choices and counted what she would owe him, “It’s the only thing that anypony will talk about these days. I mean, the invasion was one thing, but for some to come out and reveal themselves? That’s just asking for trouble.”
Vanessa shrugged, “Honesty is a virtue of Harmony, Mr Pickle; for them to reveal themselves is an incredibly brave thing. Why, some of my Changeling clients have even told me that it goes against some ‘ancient laws’ that are basically hardwired into their heads.” She shook her head and placed the twenty bits he charged her onto the stand’s top. “I’m not one to pick a side, but in this case I would simply say that ponies are overreacting to their presence.”
“Overreacting to an invasion, Vanessa?”
Vanessa tutted at him, “No, no; that there are Changelings amongst us. I mean, there are Gryphons in most towns in Equestria, but we don’t even think twice about their dietary needs or strange customs. They’re just another ordinary citizen to us, despite all of the conflicts that Equestria has had with them in the past; the minute that these other citizens can magically disguise themselves and we get all in a tizzy; it’s like that thing that happened down in Trottingham, that pony-made robot that was found to be hiding amongst them. Sure, some were upset, but from what I can tell of my clients from that town, she’s been a model citizen.”
“I remember daddy saying something about some Changelings doing some thingie with the Princesses.” Pale Canvas piped up from Vanessa’s knees. “I think he called it a… non-aggregation pack or something.”
Vanessa nodded with a smile, “’Non-Aggression Pact’, sweetie. It means that they are more or less our friends, and yes; that was in the newspaper this morning too. Changeling Queens Crawli and Peanut I believe they were called. Took their sweet time, if you ask me; could have gotten past all this mess if they’d come forward three years ago…”
Pickle sniggered. “Queen Peanut?”
“Oh, like your name is any better, mister Pickle Stew.” Vanessa returned snippily.
“Vanessa is a weird one, too, you know.” He pointed out, getting an irritated glare from the mare.
“If you must know, my name is from the Vanessa Cardui, otherwise known as the Painted Lady butterfly.” She said with her nose turned up dramatically, “My parents clearly thought I was ladylike even at birth.”
“Or that you would like paint.” Pickle retorted with a cheeky grin. “Anyway, how’s Echo Point taking all of it? I would assume that he doesn’t like the increased shifts he has to take.”
Vanessa placed another bit onto the counter and levitated a piece of celery to her daughter, who began eating it quietly, ears turned up towards them in interest. “Ah, well, you know the Night Guard, ‘Onward into the Night’ and all that. We’re not thrilled that he spends most of his nights at the castle now, but it helps to put food on the table and keeps us safe. Has done for twelve years now, and I couldn’t be any more proud of him.”
Pickle shrugged his shoulders, looking through another pony’s chosen groceries before speaking again. “Twenty five Bits; I suppose that’s a good way to look at it, and twelve years? Has it already been so long? How old does Canvas turn this year?”
“Nine in a month or so,” Vanessa replied with a smile.
“Nine already, how time flies! When do you think she’ll get her cutie-mark?”
“I don’t really care when she gets it, she’ll make me proud no matter what. Why, are you worried about her being a late bloomer?”
Pickle shook his head, “No, no, my sister didn’t get hers until she turned fifteen. Mushrooms, by the way; you’ll find her stall farther into the marketplace.”
Vanessa grinned wolfishly, “Well, stars forbid I support a different family for once, Mr Pickle.” She said, before shivering for a second as a queer feeling washed over her and the smile on his face vanished with the wind. She blinked at him confusedly, “… is something the matter, Mr Pickle?”
He backed away from her, almost putting his flank against the wall behind him, “Wh-what h-have you done w-with Vanessa?!”
Another owlish blink met him, “What are you talking about, I’m right here. We were just talking about your sister, in fact.”
Vanessa felt her daughter tap her leg, and she looked down at her, “One second, honey, mommy’s-“
Her pupils shrank to pinpricks.
Where her previously grey and orange pegasus daughter now cowered was a black and silver changeling filly with a curiously gnarled horn and bat-like wings, and beside her a black, holed hoof. She slowly and deliberately picked up the young changeling, putting her onto her back and took a shaky step away from the stand.
“I’m still me, Pickle, please; I’m still me!” She said to the stand owner now staring at her in shock. The crowd around her fell silent as she all but cowered in her spot. One pony, standing nearby with a runestone around his neck, stared at the pair before his shout cut through the silent market like a beacon in the night.
“Changelings!”
Vanessa’s hooves thundered against the paved roads of Canterlot, pushing her with all her strength to get away from the ponies chasing her. Her daughter now clung to her neck, sat upon her withers as they pounded through the streets. Terrified tears streamed from their faces, and harmful magic bolts snarled past their ears as they frantically tried to get away.
Home: that was their destination. Another two corners and they would reach their safehaven, the quaint little home that they shared with Echo Point. Angry shouts met their ears from behind them, the pair turned the last corner, and Vanessa’s hooves skidded as a bolt of magic struck her side, bursting violently and spearing through her hide. She tumbled to a stop outside their door, and with a pained cry she lurched up the step, wrenching the door open with her magic and forcing herself and her daughter into the building.
The door slammed shut behind her, the locks bolting closed. She breathed heavy, pained breaths, her eyes barely focusing as she struggled to drag herself through the house.
“Daddy!”
A door deeper in the house wrenched open, and a thestral came thundering out to meet them. He stopped a foot from them, a hoof held high and his eyes wide as saucers as he eyed the scene before him.
“Oh by Princess Luna’s moon, Vanessa; Vanessa, you’re bleeding, what happened!”
She groaned in agony as he attempted to lift her, succeeding in draping her across his back and proceeding to carry her into the bedroom he had just stormed out of. “Th-the markets, somepony had a null stone, it tore away our disguises…” She hissed, dabbing at her wounded right with a hoof. “A unicorn got a lucky hit… on our way home.” She groaned as a cough wracked her body, “It hurts, Echo…” Her magic lit up and a quill and diary levitated from the bedside cabinet, flipping open and starting to write. “Let me… I need to write this down, need to get this down, can’t let this go… forgotten in history…”
The front door slammed heavily, and angry voices could be heard outside. “Echo Point, open up, this is Dark Wing!”
Echo grabbed a towel from near the bed and pressed it to his wife’s wound, staining the fabric green in moments. “Oh, honey… honey this is bad; you need a doctor, I don’t have any medic training, and my first aid won’t help with this… Hold on, alright? You need to hold on.”
Vanessa chuckled, groaning a little afterward, “Echo,” she muttered, putting a hoof to his cheek, “you… you wouldn’t leave me now, would you?”
“No, never; I just need to send word through gem-coms and they’ll be right here.”
Another slam at the front door was joined with the sounds of splintering wood. “Daddy, I’m scared.”
Echo shook his head, having forgotten that his daughter was with them, and gave his wife a worried look, one that she returned. “She… comes first, Echo.” Vanessa said, “It’s not safe here for her.”
Echo nodded and knelt down to his daughter, “Sweetie, remember what daddy said about the Princesses? About how they’re kind, and wise, and gentle and how they would never turn away somepony who wants help?” He waited for her to nod her head before swallowing nervously and continuing, “Sweetie, I know you’re scared, but I need you to fly to the castle for me and ask for Princess Celestia or Luna. Can you do that?”
She went to nod her head and paused, “But… what about mommy?”
“She’ll be fine, sweetie, the Princess will come here and help if you tell her what’s happening. Go out the back and fly to the castle. Don’t stop for anything, okay?”
The filly nodded, and he shooed her off, watching her run out of the room and listening to her bolt through the house and slam out the back door. With a sigh, he turned to his wife, who had grown deathly still during the time he spent talking with their daughter. “She’s off, sweetie.”
“That’s… good…” Vanessa replied sluggishly, “I’m… so tired, Echo…”
The stallion sidled around the bed and took her hoof in his, sitting down and looking into his wife’s eyes. “I know, sweetie, I know.”
Her breathing slowed, “I’m scared…” She whispered, “I… I don’t want to…”
Echo sobbed, leaning up and kissing his wife’s forehead as she lay motionless on the bed. Tears snaked through the fur on his cheeks, dripping and coming to rest on her face. With a gentle hoof, he slid her eyes shut and settled her head on her pillow. He turned, taking her diary and quill from where they lay on the floor beside him, scrawling in a barely-legible script at the bottom of the current page her last words before closing it and tucking it under her pillow. The bedroom door shut behind him almost reverentially as he left the room.
“Goodbye butterfly, my Painted Lady…”
With slow, deliberate, heavy steps he walked through the house to the front door, taking his armour off the stand behind it and sliding it on. The door had been partially knocked off of its hinges, and only the locks held it in place as he opened it and tossed it aside.
A fellow thestral stood just outside the door, dozens of ponies behind him, and they balked at the green blood that covered parts of his torso and legs.
“Geez, Echo,”
“Who shot her?” Echo growled with his voice rumbling in rage, making ponies cower back from him. His furious, tear stained face glared out at the gathered ponies with utter contempt, “Who murdered my wife?!”
“If you mean the changeling impersonating your wife,” a unicorn near the front started, “then I did. Got it right in the gut, too, shouldn’t be able to get far-”
Echo’s hoof cut him off, smashing the stallion’s nose and sending him to the ground out cold. Contemptuously Echo followed up by spitting on the stallion’s unconscious form. He turned and stepped back up to the door, shoving the other thestral aside. “’In sickness and in health, death cannot part my heart’, the oath to the mare I loved that I spoke on the day of our wedding… ‘From those which crawl through the day and night to destroy harmony’, I swore oath to Equestria and to my family to protect them from those that would do them harm. Now I am the line in the sand, if you want my wife and daughter, then you mules will have to go through me,” He snarled, turning and defiantly barring their way with his wings spread, “I’ll show you the fury of a husband to a murdered wife! So bring it on!”
“Princess, I apologize for the interruption but I have an urgent missive from CL0PTech, priority line and classified Maroon Silver, it arrived via Dragonfire Candle.” Raven, Celestia’s aide said as she stepped across the throne room. The pony who had been talking to the Princess gave the aide an angry glance, but one glare from the Princess’s guards unruffled his fur; it was most unbecoming to be so angered in the presence of her majesty, and would not help his cause. “Whatever it is must be vitally important.”
Celestia sighed and took the scroll from her unicorn aide, unrolling it and starting to read through the contents. Slowly, as she read, her eyes widened and her jaw dropped, and the scroll re-rolled and was tucked unceremoniously into Celestia’s mane. “I apologize for the inconvenience, my little pony, but an urgent matter has just been brought to my attention that I cannot ignore. If you would like, please dictate your issue to my aide and she will have it brought to me. Raven, please cancel court for the day, and have a consignment of guards ready at the front gates in ten minutes.”
Raven nodded, stepping to one side as Celestia hurried past her gracefully and out of the room through the side door that Raven herself had only just entered through.
Celestia’s pace quickened to a hastened trot, a pace to match her rushing thoughts. Soon enough she slammed open the door to her sister’s suite, jostling the lunar diarch from where she sat with a book in her hooves, a coffee table before her covered in tomes and scrolls haphazardly strewn about.
“Sister, what is the meaning of this? A powerful nightmare managed to elude me last night and I’m trying to figure out why I could not get into it, I do not have time for-”
Celestia didn’t respond, merely fishing the scroll from her mane and thrusting it under Luna’s nose. “Read, now.”
Luna blinked in confusion before taking the scroll and unrolling it to read. “Ah, a message from that project within CL0PTech, Model Slip, I see; it’s been a whi-“ Her voice cut off as she read through the letter, and her breathing audibly hitched when she reached the part that had most worried her sister. “S-sister is this… is this true?”
“I see no reason to disbelieve Model Slip, Luna; you know as well as I do that he would not lie on such a grand scale; he has even gotten Phony Paige involved. I do not doubt at all the veracity of this.”
Luna nodded, rolling up the scroll and tapping it to her forehead. “This… this opens up implications that I do not wish to fathom, sister. Can you imagine what the Hives will say? They could take this as an act of open hostility!” She shuddered before shaking her head. “I will have the guard searched for those who might have known Echo Point; while I am familiar with every guard in the Night Guard, I do not know them all personally.”
Celestia nodded. “I am about to lead some guards to the residence in question; are you able to manage the castle in my absence?”
Luna nodded, staring at the scroll in her magic distantly. “Yes, of course, be safe, sister.”
Celestia nodded and, after giving Luna an embrace, strolled out of the room.
*
Ponies had watched Princess Celestia and her entourage of guards as they strolled purposefully through the streets, coming to a halt out front a house that looked not dissimilar to every other house on its street. With a wave of her wing, Celestia’s guards stormed the premises, slamming the front door off of its hinges with surprising ease and moving through the house.
Eventually one returned with his ears pinned to his scalp. “Princess, the house is… empty.” He said.
“There is nopony here?” She asked worriedly, “Did we get the wrong address..?”
“No, princess,” the guard replied, “the individuals we are looking for are inside.”
Celestia stared at him for a moment before her ears, too, met her scalp. “Oh, I see.” She muttered, before stepping forward, “I am entering the premises, I… I must see this for myself; I can only imagine how bad it must…”
It was as grim a sight as Celestia thought it might be. A thestral stallion lay in the lounge, the first room in the house, sprawled across the floor. Even from the door she could see the numerous injuries that he had sustained. His armour, still on his body, was broken and dented. Dried blood streaked down his muzzle from his nose and all across the rest of his face, as unrecognizable as it was. He looked like he’d been the focal point of a yak herd tantrum.
This stallion had been the victim of a prolonged and vicious attack, and had paid the ultimate price for it.
The room was in utter disarray; furniture was upturned and broken, walls had holes smashed into them, and a large scorch mark showed where a fire had been deliberately lit but failed to take hold of the building. With a sigh she continued farther into the house, to where another guard stood watch outside of a room.
“How bad is it, corporal?”
The mare sighed and shook her head.
Celestia nodded and entered the room, magically sealing her senses from the taste and smell of death that permeated the air. Slowly, carefully, she stepped through the master bedroom and sat alongside the bed, gazing sadly at the queen that lay still upon it.
She sat in mournful silence for a few moments, head bowed in respect for the individuals that had been brutally murdered in their own house. With a sigh she gazed across the body of the changeling on the bed, stopping only at her head, where her pillow was oddly ruffled. Her magic reached below and carefully recovered the diary that lay hidden beneath.
She opened it to the last entry and read, interrupted when a sergeant stepped into the room.
“Grisly business, your highness; a guard battered to death in his own home, and a dead changeling queen in his bed. I can only imagine what went on here.”
“’A stallion in the trade market removed our disguises with a disruption rune today, and we barely made it home. A magical blast from our pursuers has hit me, piercing deep into my body, and I can feel myself bleeding out. My husband has made attempts to stem the flow, but I can already feel it’s not going to be enough. He’s sent our daughter to the castle to fetch the princesses, and I hope she is safe.’” Celestia read out loud to him, her eyes snapping up to his to see his discomfort, “There is more, ‘my wife has died, and as she loved to record her history, I feel it remiss to not include her final words;’”
The sergeant sighed, “What are they?”
“’I’m scared... I don’t want to…’.” She quoted, “It is signed ‘Echo Point’.”
He nodded, “I see.” He muttered, before looking across the changeling on the bed as Celestia flipped back through the book. “Princess, we know nothing about a Silver hive; the Orange and Violet hives have non-aggression pacts with us, the Teal hive is rogue, as we know, but we have never encountered Silver changelings.”
Celestia stopped at a passage in the book and read through it, “’I am the last of my hive, the last Silver queen; Chrysalis, that murderous bitch, attacked us during the night and murdered every royal she could find, commandeering our drones for her own bloated forces and killing those who would not follow her. I have travelled east from our now empty home on the coast to Canterlot. I only hope I can find work here before starvation claims me, and my hive is lost to the ravages of time.’” She read out, anger entering her voice, “From what I can recall, Sergeant, the Changelings that attacked Canterlot have committed this act of wanton genocide on multiple hives, if what Queen Peanut told us during negotiations is true. This… Silver hive is but the latest victim in a long line.”
“Princess,” a corporal called from the hallway, “you are needed out front the premises; there is a situation that requires your attention.”
With a sad sigh and a final glance at the corpse on the bed, Celestia slid the diary into her mane and moved back through the house, finally emerging back into the street. Where before the street had been bare, now there was a throng of ponies all milling about. They bowed respectfully to her as she approached.
“What is going on here?” she asked, turning to the corporal that had come to fetch her.
“These ponies came asking if we were investigating the family that lived here.” He replied.
Nodding, Celestia turned her attention back on the crowd, “We are investigating their deaths and situation concerning their filly, yes; would you happen to know anything, my little ponies?”
The stallion at the front, who Celestia now noticed had a black eye and bruised jawline, nodded, “We discovered that the traitor who lived here was harbouring a Changeling queen, and we dealt with him accordingly.”
“I see,” Celestia said, her voice flat and neutral, “and who was it that shot the queen?”
A shaky hoof rose amongst the crowd, and Celestia nodded to the corporal beside her.
“Arrest that stallion.” She ordered, not moving an inch as the corporal rushed to do her command and restrained him. Her eyes narrowed as she surveyed the crowd, now noticing bruises, black eyes, and limps amongst them, “And who amongst you took it upon yourselves to ‘deal’ with the stallion that lived here?” She asked with fire in her tone and her mane moving in a far less serene manner than usual. When nopony lifted their hoof, she growled menacingly, “My little ponies, it is simple. You either come forward to reveal yourselves, or I arrest all of you and have my guard figure it out over the next few days while you languish in the dungeons;” She snarled, “Now, I will ask again: Who amongst you took it upon themselves to beat a stallion to death in his own home?”
“Thirty five ponies,” Celestia sighed, sat next to her sister in her private suite, sipping at tea in a mug large enough to be easily called a stein in her magic, “Eight of whom were royal guards off duty, and another three who have since been found in the Celestial Canterlot Hospital suffering from serious injuries. I find it hard to fathom that they thought they were in the right. Murder of a husband and wife, one the second to last of her hive and the other a member of a vulnerably endangered species; it’s not something that I ever imagined Equestria would be responsible for.”
“By the reports from the interrogations, sister, Echo Point managed to hold them off for half an hour before their numbers managed to overwhelm him.” Luna said, lowering the mound of paper that she held in her magic, “Despite how horrid the circumstances are, that is something that should be commended.”
Celestia nodded grimly, “He fought tooth and hoof, like any husband and father would. Captain Starhammer has posthumously promoted him to captain.”
An appreciative hum rumbled from the younger diarch, “And what of the foal, and CL0PTech?” Luna asked.
“I ventured to the facility myself whilst you were busy with the nobles, and though I have not talked with the foal, as she was asleep at the time, I cast the strongest pain-killing and healing spells I know on her before leaving her in the capable hooves of Model Slip and his handler. I have already seen fit to punish those responsible for her maiming and that were hiding her from us.” Celestia replied tersely, “And the guards who broke her wing and nearly paralyzed her with a spear to the back of her neck before hoofing her to CL0PTech without report have been dishonourably discharged and imprisoned. Two further guards were arrested attempting to take the foal ‘into custody’ from CL0PTech under my orders only to admit that they were going to sell her to the highest bidder. Missives to Queens Peanut and Crawli have been sent; I do not expect them to let this slide, Luna. This is a disaster.”
Luna nodded stiffly, placing the stack of paper she held on her sister’s coffee table. “At least now I know why I could not access those nightmares I found last night;” she sighed, “a queen’s mind is a powerful thing, even one as young which CL0PTech hold; her unconscious mental blockades alone are formidable, though not especially so knowing what she is now. Whatever happened to that last pair?”
“Currently one is in traction with two broken legs and multiple other injuries, and the other is under medical watch for blunt force trauma; Model Slip was… quite forceful in keeping them from her. If you feel you need to oversee things involving this queen, sister, feel free; I do remember how much you like to personally manage matters relating to foals.”
Luna huffed; “I suppose I should,” She mumbled, “I already have primary reign over her carer, Model Slip, I suppose I might as well oversee her future personally…” She sighed and rose to her hooves, “I will arrange a state funeral for them… first, however, there is some business I must attend to; if you’ll excuse me, sister.”
Celestia nodded, waving a hoof to her sister as she sipped her tea. “Of course, Luna; if I don't see you sooner, we shall meet up at dinner.”
*
With heavy hooves, Luna entered the lunar guard barracks, waving off the guards at the door with her wing dismissively. They were as she knew her nocturnal guardians would be, sleeping in their bunks restfully. At least, those who weren’t at home with their family; those mares and stallions were allowed their home life when off duty, their bunk reserved should they need it. That one of these bunks would remain empty for the foreseeable future made her teeth grit angrily, though her temper was muted somewhat by one particular mare she could see sleeping as messily as possible –spread out across the bed with her wings splayed out, blanket tangled around her stomach and flanks, snoring unabashedly.
She was certain she saw a window rattle with one particularly loud snore.
The lunar diarch cleared her throat, stamped a hoof upon the floor, and belted out a hurricane of a command that did shake the windows and nearly blew the nearest beds over; “Lunar guard, to attention!”
While the Royal Canterlot Voice had fallen far out of use, Luna’s had not yet become weakened from disuse, and the guardsponies jolted out of bed as if electrocuted, stumbling to the ground to evade their princess’s possible wrath. Wary eyes peeped over the bunks at her for a few moments before she cleared her throat, expression stony and expectant. Hurriedly, the ponies in the hall moved to the foot of their respective bed and stood proud before her.
She eyed them sternly for a moment before sighing; “We are here on matter most dire, this day; no time for jovialities, I’m afraid, and none of you will be getting any sleep until I get the answers I want.” She shifted uncomfortably in place before continuing, “This morning, one of our own was beaten to death in his own home;” she held up a hoof to stem the gasps and growing outrage amongst the ponies present, “to make matters worse, those apprehended for this outrage admitted to having been let into the house by another night guard.” Her eyes flashed angrily, and the ponies before her gaped at her. “So I shall make it simple, my little ponies; either the guilty party comes forth to face justice for his crime, justice for allowing one of his own be beaten to death, or none of you sleep until I get my stallion.”
“What could possibly have been cause enough to…?” One mare mumbled slack-jawed.
“Protecting his family,” Luna stated bluntly. “He died to save his kin, one of whom has been severely injured as a result.”
“Echo married that-” a stallion near the far end of the hall blurted before falling silent.
Luna was in front of him in an instant.
“Name and rank, stallion,” Luna demanded.
“C-corporal Dark Wing, your highness,” he stammered.
“Corporal, while your curiosity about your fellow guards’ family life is none of your business, I find myself curious;” her eyes, now stony and hiding barely controlled fury, “I don’t recall announcing the identity of your fallen comrade, or the specific relation of those that he was protecting. It could have been any of your fellow guards, any of their families, so tell us, for we’re keen to know; how do you know it was Echo Point?”
“I-I… He… you…”
Luna all but snarled as she bore down upon him, “It’s simple, Corporal, tell me before I simply pull it from your head.”
The stallion cowered for a moment before shouting up at her, “He was guarding a changeling! A changeling he called his wife! What do you want, these monsters to run rampant through our streets unchecked?! She’d corrupted his moon-blessed mind to force him to love her, he even assaulted civilians!”
“He defended his home and family, Dark Wing!” The loud-snoring mare shouted at him.
“A home and family in magic only, Chestnut!”
Luna’s wings fanned wide and her magic pulsed through the room, silencing the arguing ponies. “Any mind control magic that had been upon him would have faded the moment her injuries became life-threatening, it is too taxing on a body desperate to recover to keep such sorcery going when that energy could be used for self-preservation.” She snapped before huffing down at Dark Wing angrily, “He fought almost three dozen ponies to the death after her passing; we know, we have his last written words written in her memoirs, the dying words of his wife.
“He was stark-raving sane when he fought back, Corporal.” She hissed, “Pity he had to know betrayal as well as heartbreak in his last moments.”
Magic surrounded the corporal, and he was lifted effortlessly to bob along behind the princess, “The Solar Guard shall deal with you.” She snapped before throwing him, unceremoniously, out into the hall. “Guards, detain that stallion, he is wanted for court marshal.” She waited a moment for the ponies outside the door to grab the dazed stallion before closing the door and sighing.
“Princess, are you alright..?” Chestnut asked worriedly, her ears drooping sympathetically.
Luna shook her head, “No, my dear, I am not. This, of everything that must take place now, is the easy part.” She said in a breath, “I shall need two guards, polished and ready, this afternoon. Volunteers, please; this shall not be a pleasant task that I ask of you to accompany me for.”
“What task, highness?”
She breathed a shuddered breath before clearing her throat, “I… I must award our highest accolade, yet the most dreaded of them all, the posthumous Moonlit Spear,” she said, to which the gathered ponies flinched, “and arrange a state funeral for the deceased couple. I want you all present for that, though I doubt I could keep you away. Now: volunteers?”
Everypony stepped forward.
Sitting in one of her more lavish meeting rooms, Celestia sipped at a cup of tea to hide her nerves as she stewed in the furious glares of the mares she had summoned. The conversation this last hour had not been fun, and she needed desperately to recoup her frayed patience to keep going. Guards around the room, her own guards, had been shuffling ashamedly at the admittances that Celestia had aired.
Somepony who was basically a VIP had died on their watch, betrayed by some of their own. Shame was the lightest word for what they felt.
Crawli, the orange-shelled changeling queen, inhaled sharply, “And now you see why we were so reluctant to come forth and reveal ourselves to your ponies in any sense, princess. You cannot even guarantee the safety of your own civilians; how are we to entrust you with the safety of our changelings?”
Any rebuttal that Celestia would speak was cut off by the door to the room slamming open as her sister stormed in, a haunted look about her eyes as she closed the door with as much force as she had opened it before moving through the room and raiding a liquor cabinet in a far corner. She took a long, long draught before heaving a sigh.
“Ah, the other sister deigns to bless us with her presence now that she is not busy with pointless frivolities; perhaps she will have answers for-”
Luna’s glare cut Crawli off, making her cringe in her seat like a foal being scolded. Her lips pulled back in a growl before she took another swig of her bottle. “I have been busy, Queen Crawli; foals do not visit themselves with news that will scar them for the rest of their lives, or present themselves a medal for the simple fact that their parents will never come home.” She huffed and looked away, letting the beleaguered queen relax somewhat, “We have received already the words that haunt us for this tragedy.”
“If I might, Princess Luna, what might they have been?” the violet queen, Peanut, asked with morbid curiosity.
Luna paused, bottle nearly to her lips, and stared into the middle distance with a gaunt, haunted expression before replying, “’I don’t want a medal, I want my daddy.’.” She ignored the guards who shuddered, heads turned away.
Queen Peanut sighed, “I see,” she muttered, “And where is the foal currently?”
“Currently she is being kept in CL0PTech’s Research and Development division, sub-basement twenty one, under the watchful eye and care of Doctor Sewn Breath and one of our more… unusual citizens, Model Slip.” Celestia said calmly. “We’ve already had one of our most skilled magical and surgical healers tend to her.”
“She will receive whatever support Equestria can give her; no expense spared, we owe her that much.” Luna added as she stared out a window overlooking Canterlot itself. She shook her head sadly, “No, we owe her much more than that. This blunder is inexcusable, unconscionable; we will make announcements tomorrow. This… witch hunt has gone on long enough. That our ponies still hold enough fear toward your kind is most unsettling. Not even the gryphons met such hostility.”
“Your ponies are afraid of that which they do not understand; a reasonable fear,” Peanut stated in a tone attempting to be diplomatic and failing, “however they have let that fear get the better of them, and must be taught the errors of their ways. Our changelings are not safe on Canterlot’s streets, this has shown us.”
“What are you suggesting, Peanut, that we either go back into hiding or simply allow these ponies to cut us up and examine us?!”
Peanut shook her head viciously, “Nothing of the sort, Crawli; don’t go putting words in my mouth if you’re going to make them so vile.” She huffed in reply. “No, what I am suggesting is that we allow this… CL0PTech to study some of our drones and royals in an open and safe environment; let them get the information they need to ensure that ponies won’t go hunting us in the streets. Let them learn so that they won’t be so afraid of what goes bump in the night.” She smiled to Luna sadly, “No offence, Princess.”
Luna’s head shook before she took another swig, “None taken.” She said. “I’m not even sure I am allowed to feel offence after today…”
“Enough of this self-flagellation, Princess,” Peanut said firmly, “mistakes have been made, but now we have a chance to learn from them and grow closer as friends and allies as a result. A silver lining, no matter how dark the cloud, is still something positive to cling to.”
“On our side, we shall organize a small envoy of changelings to send here for your study, while you organize a place in which they can both feel safe and be observed,” Crawli said, “We, also, shall organize a time and date for us to meet the foal you have in protective custody. I, for one, would certainly like to talk with her. We cannot replace the family she has lost, but perhaps we can become her friends and allies at the very least.”
Celestia nodded, “Of course, your highnesses.”
Peanut smiled a little and levitated her own cup to her lips, “For now, I suggest we enjoy the hospitality that our hosts have so graciously offered us, Crawli. Why, I think I can see those chocolate crème biscuits you like so much…”
Her interest piqued, the orange-shelled queen’s attention turned to the platter and she plucked a biscuit from the carefully arranged assortment, all but shoving it into her mouth before chewing and deflating with a sigh, her aggression mollified. Celestia chortled amusedly.
“If you like them that much, Queen Crawli, I’m certain we could arrange something.”
“Like a trade deal?” Crawli asked warily, “What would we even offer Equestria?”
Celestia leaned forward eagerly, a knowing smile on her face, “And that, my dear, is where negotiations come in.”
*
Down deep within CL0PTech’s depths, buried beneath the earth of Canter Mountain, a lone changeling hugged closer to the cold metallic body of her guardian, who hugged back as best he could.
He nuzzled into her shaven mane as they lay together on a couch. “It’s alright, Miss Canvas, you can sleep.” He said, his voice vibrating in a curious manner.
The filly nodded a little, eyes closed and her weight resting against him. She flinched a little as a new wave of pain lanced through her from her amputated leg, but she did seem to be attempting to sleep.
“Is your voice module giving you trouble again, Model? Do you want me to look at it?” a red coated unicorn mare asked softly from nearby, pouring some coffee into a mug. She flipped her purple mane from her face before walking over, “If it fails again we’ll have to see about replacing it, it’s too much hassle to keep repairing a faulty unit.”
He shrugged for what he could, sighing softly, “Perhaps,” he buzzed, “for now, Breath, it’s not the most important thing in the room;” he again nuzzled into the changeling’s short mane, smiling as she drifted off into an uneasy sleep, “there we go, there’s the rest she needs. After everything that has happened to her these last two days, it’s nice to see her sleeping peacefully.”
With a wistful sigh, Breath nodded. “I suppose all we can do is give her the best foalhood we can.” She leaned down and softly nuzzled the foal herself, “Sleep well, Pale Canvas; may Luna keep you safe from the horrors of your own mind.”
Model Slip nodded gently, “I find myself looking forward to seeing her future with us, Breath; is that normal?”
She smiled broadly, “Oh yes, Model, that’s quite normal indeed.”
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This is a great story that definitely needs a sequel. Justice definitely must be had for this tragedy and the rest of the ponies still afraid of changelings need to have a long talk with the princesses now and know that anymore attempts on the changelings living in Equestria will be met with treason charges as well as attempted xenocide if Pale Canvas is attacked seeing how she's the last of her kind now, last of the Silver Hive.
Also since 2 Equestrians died this tragic way that makes this a tragedy so that tag should be used.
Gonna be honest, didn't expect the feels.
Oh god the feels...
But this was an amazing story, very very well written, and short as it was, the characters had great depth and spirit.
Would really, really love to see a continuation of this!
Would be awesome to see more of this if your interested in writing it. Pretty neat characters you made.
An interesting little short story. Story is a bit short and could use additional backstory, but it also provides just enough detail to leave the reader with twenty questions. It's a good approach since it leaves the world open to interpretation.
Out of CC it almost feels like Luna goes out of her way to justify her reasoning to her guards. (When she was arguing with one in particular towards the end of the story)
I really feel that this warrants a tragedy tag. Neat story though, and definitely a thought provoker.
Very good. I want to see this world expanded on!
dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/37540750/jeremy-clarkson-not-bad.jpg
I'm sorry to say I didn’t like this story. I’m being truthful when I say I think you're a talented writer, Silent Quill. A lot of my criticisms are aligned with those of TheGreatDerpsby’s in terms of the pony-changeling racism dynamic, but there is clearly a passion and effort put into your stories that I can admire.
That being said though, this story just doesn’t work for me. It’s another ‘pony-changeling racism’ story, one of hundreds on this site. Now of course there’s nothing fundamentally wrong with a story about prejudice and discrimination, hell, one of the best episodes of Season 6 was a changeling episode tackling this very issue. It’s just that many fanfictions end up being very similar in their approach with often few variety or anything new or fresh done with it; I feel like when I read one, I’ve read them all. You’ve actually written at least two other stories already that tackle this topic in some way, ie ‘Bat and Bug’ and ‘Changing Times’. ‘Pale Hive’ sadly feels like it recycles many elements plot points from these previous pretty okay stories, specifically by following the tried and true ‘Build Sympathy>Kick em hard>The Princesses intervene and fix everything’ formula.
However, there are two main connecting points of criticism I wanted to hone in on in what looks like to be a ridiculously overlong comment (yeah, very sorry in advance): the depiction of the ponies and some pretty glaring holes in the story’s logic.
I’m going to start with the latter first. What I’m specifically getting that is the events that take place doesn't entirely gel well with the information (or lack thereof) and context we are provided with. In the end, it leaves me racking my brain, trying to make sense of it all.
Okay, this whole thing about this "Non-Aggression Pact" really ends up biting this story in the flank. Badly. So Equestria has made contact and signed this pact with at least two Hives, right? The general pony public must be aware of this. It's in the newspaper that morning and likely been in the news in recent weeks. So the policy of Equestrian government must be some sort of attempt at Peaceful Co-existence with the changeling race. And as such, Celestia and Luna must surely be making some attempt at educating their ponies that not all changelings are dangerous or to be feared and that there are at non-threatening Hives out there?
So why are these vigilante groups seemingly allowed to operate openly on the streets of Canterlot, seeking out to catch and presumably kill changelings? (Given what happens in this story, I can only assume that's what their end intentions are) There is already a Royal Guard that exists in Equestria to ensure security. If they were the ones still patrolling the streets in a heavy presence on the look out for hostile changeling infiltrators, that would make sense and wouldn't necessarily endanger the pact (if part of the provisos is that changelings are not yet granted access into Equestrian territories). That would at least come more effectively as ponies being "still wary" as your story describes. Given how we dumb evil racist humans widely do not tolerate vigilantism in our countries, I definitely can’t see these guys getting a free pass in Equestria.
Or much more pressingly, why is it then that a rabble of pony civilians and guards (ponies who, as part of their jobs, must have very good understanding of the LAW) can outright murder a Changeling Queen, a member of the Royal Guard, maim a child and then attempt to sell said child presumably into slavery (one: so what? There'd be no questioning where this child went? Two: seriously, are all these Racist Ponies stories engage in some kinda one-upmanship about how awful they can make ponies look?) and doing so...
...all seemingly under the assumption that they would face no repercussions for their actions? Why do I ask this? Well, the Royal Guard point above aside, this line:
Yeah, cuz that makes total sense. Let's see if I got this right, this pony here has just openly, unhesitantly admitted to Princess Celestia, his sovereign ruler and immortal deity whom they worship and whose very word is law, that he and the ponies around him have at least committed two acts of murder, one of a Changeling Queen and the other an officer of the law. Yeah.
And he's expecting her to react... how exactly? She'll praise them? Give them each a medal? Seriously? Honestly, it's hard to tell, given how the ponies in this scene, or any other pony character with less than three or four lines of dialogue, display little to no emotion in regards to what’s going on. And yeah, we’ll get to that big one momentarily
So, I'm genuinely confused, what exactly IS the law here? I mean, I seriously cannot come to the conclusion that there is no law that says a pony cannot murder a changeling or those associated with them?
Maybe it would more sense if it wasn’t for this whole non-aggression pact existing and there'd been no contact with other changeling hives besides Chrysalis’. It could possibly lead to a political grey area, feeding into feelings of legal ambiguity amongst ponies about how they can respond to a changeling’s presence. But in this context, there surely has to be some kind of law or regulation regarding changelings in Equestria if the Princesses want their peace pact to succeed. Hate to belabour a point, but there’s something clearly amiss here for 35 ponies, including eight off-duty officers of the law, have the stupidity/guts to do what they did here and brag about it literally to their PRINCESS’ MUZZLE!
Even Princess Celestia and Luna’s lines toward the end, if not lampshades, highlights the problems:
Good point, Lulu, so quick counter-question: why have you two allowed it to continue in the first place, let alone to the point where this has happened?! Well, besides plot convenience, of course.
I mean, if Celestia and Luna are committed to maintaining peace with the other hives, why have these vigilante groups been allowed to operate, or if not allowed, not been thoroughly cracked down on? What have they actually done to assuage their ponies’ perfectly legitimate fears of changelings and make it clear such hostility won’t be tolerated? Because it sure isn’t elaborated on in this story. Here’s the problem: this isn’t just a simple matter of changelings being misunderstood. These are a race of creatures with the ability to shapeshift into ponies’ loved ones and drain ponies of their love into literal husks like vampires, and there is at least one hive that is outright committed to doing just this. Luna is wrong to compare the changelings’ situation to griffins, because they are simply not the same thing. By all rights, it should take a lot more effort from the Princess’ and changelings to convince everyday ponies they don’t need to be afraid.
The Princesses have more than enough power and influence to have done more to prevent this, but they didn’t, and it reflects terribly on their competence. Celestia says outright, “it’s not something that I ever imagined Equestria would be responsible for.” (Yeah, after years of stories where ponies are written with all the charm and likability of snake vomit, any time they react with genuine shock is almost chuckleworthy by now) only makes them look worse. Is the only real non-contrived reason I can then draw for their failure here that... they just expected better from Equestria? Really? Is this seriously supposed to be the first incidence of such an racial atrocity occurring in Equestria? Given what we humans do to each other on an hourly basis, I find that really difficult to believe. So either Celestia and Luna, after over a thousand years in power, are totally disconnected and actually don’t know who their subjects well at all, or ponies are just better at hiding how rotten they are beneath their candy coloured coats.
Well, you know what? This actually raises a good question. I mean, think about it: who are the ponies who were involved in this? What’s their backstory? What was their train of thought and mindset that led them to this grim situation? Vanessa and the story as a whole make a big point about how “people/ponies fear what they don’t understand” (even though as I pointed earlier, it’s not so much about not understanding changelings, rather that not all of them want to eat you). Now if that is the kind of fair and sadly true message you want to promote, great, more power to you. One of the best ways to get any message across is via the golden rule: “Show, don’t tell.” Except what we’re shown doesn’t fully work and it leads to my second biggest criticism.
The ponies in this story who committed this crime aren’t written as people. They don’t come across as ordinary good ponies from the show who might only ever do something so awful if their “fear got the better of them.” They’re just the same stock one-dimensional racist cardboard cutouts seen in ‘Bat and Bug’, ‘Changing Times’ and in so many other stories on this website and in general media about racism. They’re nothing more than dehumanized (which I always find the ultimate irony regarding perpetrators in racism stories) plot devices. Tools. Their entire role in a nutshell is to show up and invoke a kneejerk reaction from the readers, outrage when their commit their vile crimes and righteousness when the Princess’ punish them, and are then shooed away now that their job is done. If they were intended to be ordinary ponies who were just afraid, the writing does not sufficiently convey that. As I said above, they display minimum to no emotional investment in anything they do here or the events around them, e.g. the stallion who told Celestia what they did, was he proud? Smug? Solemn from his ‘grim duty’? Or how about the ponies in the crowd there? They’re not even described as looking at all shocked or confused when their beloved Princess furiously turns on them. Hell, every time they open their mouths, such as with Dark Wing (not very subtle name...) it’s just to spout generic racist diatribe that could’ve been copied and pasted from a dozen other stories.
Now if that was the was the story’s <i>intent</i>, maybe it wouldn’t be such a big deal, but it quite clearly wasn’t.
And it’s disappointing because you’re undoubtedly a good writer. You can spin an engaging and emotional story and know how to pull a reader’s heartstrings, myself included. You succeed excellently in humanizing your changeling OC characters, making them genuinely sympathetic to readers, to the point where we want them to get out of this mess okay. I’m confident you have the skills to write ponies who are prejudice if not outright racist, but still portray them as people with personalities, friends and loved ones, and maybe even justified reasons for their prejudice from past experience.
But there was clearly no intent to do that here, which is frustrating because it’s an angle desperately underexplored in stories which tackle racism, prejudice and fear, and dare I say, needs to explored if people like ourselves can be easily driven by fear to say and do things we normally would never say or do. I’m sad to say that what this story ultimately amounts to in my opinion, and I recall a commenter describing the first chapter of Changing Times as this, is a well-written piece of Sympathy Porn which sports a few interesting ideas and manages to pull at the heartstrings like your previous stories, but not much else, at least for me.
... phew. Wow. Okay, I sorry once again for how ridiculously long this analytical comment became. If only I could focus that same kind of passion towards writing my own stories, heh heh. I hope I managed to make some valid points buried within this long, twisting ramble, though I understand it’s more than likely I may have grossly misunderstood a few things. Still, whether I’m right or wrong, I’d still be happy to discuss them with you if you’re interested. Either way, thank you for taking the time to read this and I wish you a Happy New Year and all the success with your future works.
Unfortunately, I find myself sharing much of the same sentiment with Magic Man.
It's actually rather saddening how many stories make the ponies into racist violent bigots, or at least attempt to. I feeld bad for the regular ponies, honestly. In fact, I wondered if the one pony who protects the Changelings would turn out to be a bat pony—which of course he was. They never get the same treatment as the normal ponies, who are the racists and bigots. No, they are superior to the normal ponies, judging from not only the moral high ground but also the physical capabilities. All those weak non-bat ponies only overpowered him thirty-five to one after thirty full minutes.
I've began to dislike bat ponies. Not a good sign.
They're afraid of things that may want to eat them. The Gryphons don't get the same amount of fear cause they eat pastries, just like ponies. Not, you know, actual ponies. I guess your Changelings are special in that they don't need to drain love? Maybe that would've been a good idea to tell anypony. Or maybe you still do, and it's just brushed aside for the sake of making the racist ponies look more evil.
After all is said and done, I'm actually more interested in what happened with the ponies who did all the bad things. What's their story? Are they more than just stock racist thugs? Do they have past experiences with Changelings? What was their punishment? Do the princesses actually care to try to redeem any of them, or is that something normal ponies don't get?
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It's a total failure on their part. From how the story's telling it, there are numerous ponies who will go so far as to yell at their princess and risk life and limb to hurt the Changelings. This isn't some casual bullying, this is bordering on organised, and at that point Celestia and Luna need to think long and hard about what their people feel about what they've been doing. They're willing to defy their beloved princesses on this, to their faces. Maybe they're totally misguided, but danm, that takes guts. They're like the bravest ponies around, which is ironic considering they're supposed to be driven by wrong-headed fear.
Maybe the princesses need to go out and listen to different ponies than they normally do, listen to their concerns instead of just dismissing them all.
Addendum: Alright, after venting for a while, I owe it to you to say this as well: None of what I said is remotely something I'd dislike a story for. Your writing is sound, it's just that the message here is so in-your-face. I can see how this could be a really interesting exploration of fear and what it can do to people, if it just went a little further.
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But you see, it's not that fact the ponies are being depicted as the racist bigots (at least one side needs to be the aggressor to some degree in these stories), it's that they're never allowed to be portrayed as people. You're asking all the right questions about these ponies, questions that were never answered, and the reason for that is sadly simple:
Because that's not what was important to this story. They don't have personalities or a backstory. Their past experience and punishment doesn't really matter. As I said in my original comment, the story's primary motive was to invoke a kneejerk emotional reaction out of the readers. These ponies were nothing more than tools to move the plot along and invoke the "feels", in other words, plot devices.
It's not just this story; it's endemic in all forms of media. It is important to humanize and flesh out the victims of racism, but we all too willing to dehumanize the perpetrators into one-dimensional cardboard cutouts. For a message about how racism can make us say or do things we'd normally never say or do, it's vital we humanize the perpetrators as much as we can, because the idea is that this could easily be us.
It's not just easy, it's downright lazy, and it’s the ultimate irony for any story that tries to discuss racism.
Do you know what a racism story like this could do to make for a great alternative to the faceless mob of racist thugs? Introduce a bigoted character, maybe a few even, and write them as actual people. Yes, have them be racist, but explain why they’re racist. Show their legitimate fear. Even make them a guard so to show their inner-conflict about protecting Equestria: do they trust their Princess’ decisions, or trust their gut feeling? Go out of your way to humanize the racist as much as possible and make the readers to relate to them
And then have the tragedy happen. Let’s say in this instance, the lone guard misinterprets what they see and, acting on impulse to protect their fellow guard, kill Echo (maybe just Echo). Then, when the truth is revealed, they react with horror and utterly remorseful about what they’ve done, what their fear allowed them to do.
That right there would make for a genuine, heartbreaking tragedy and far more interesting than just a bunch one-note, one-dimensional plot devices doing this. Who knows? Maybe that was meant to be the reaction of the ponies in this story, but the writing isn’t strong enough the information either too vague or just missing to support it.
Yeah, again, that is one of the biggest problems with the story's writing. There's a serious lack of information here, and the information we are provided with is so vague that both make the actions that take place just confusing. There's a pact between the ponies and two hives that's clearly in the news, but what are the details of this agreement? What new laws are there surely to arise regarding changelings in Equestria because of it? How much is the common pony informed? And why are vigilante groups allowed to operate on the streets?! That last one seriously baffles me.
None of that is remotely addressed, again, because it's not considered as important to the story's objective, and that is to be a well-written piece of sympathy porn.
The question then becomes how much we can blame the Princesses as characters or the flaws in their and the story's writing? If we look at it from a purely writing perspective, it's obvious their failure was plot-mandated. That they didn’t do enough because it would have made the tragedy that occurred in this story look even more illogical (what with the racism with ponies being intentionally ramped up) and thus we would have no story. But more simply, the Idiot Ball.
And here’s why it becomes the Idiot Ball: these two, Celestia at least, have been leading this country for a millenia. With all that time, knowledge and experience, surely they must have been able to recognize the current climate and where it was ultimately going to lead unless they did more to prevent it beyond just a Non-Aggression Pact. I mean, yes, I did make the argument that the only explanation was that they’re detached and don’t know their subjects as well as they think they do. Except in the show, they seem at least fairly down to earth and open to their subjects, so even that explanation feels a little too... convenient? Contrived?
Either way, I just feel this story makes them look more incompetent than what feels realistic.
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Okay, just... gimmie a moment to collect my thoughts in a way that isn't spouting horrible attempts to defend my work which turn into "No it's perfect you just suck" because that gets us nowhere.
While I agree that it seems like I'm making bat ponies out to be 'overpowered master race' here, what I was actually trying to convey was that, despite the odds, and the fact that he was going to lose anyway, Echo kept fighting anyway. You know that old trope of the hero just continually getting up regardless of how stupidly beaten they obviously are? The dude was a sergeant and these were untrained civilians. If it'd been Shining Armour, bet you wouldn't be making this accusation because either A) he's a Captain and therefore has significant skill behind him, or B) he's a unicorn skilled in shields and wouldn't have had to fight anyone anyway.
Yeah, magic 'you can't touch me' shields make every fight bullshit.
They don't get that fear now, who's to say they never did? Are they not also predatory in nature? They're half lion for crying out loud, I've seen a lot of people write them eating meat and upsetting the natives.
Oh hey, it's like the story starts with Vanessa buying vegetables or something.
You're right, in a way, though; I don't tell whether or not they drain love, it wasn't even something I considered worrying about when writing this. On that note, however, I will simply say that I usually depict changelings as being able to live on food, while love, though capable of sustaining them, is better suited to bolstering their magic. I usually like the thought that Chrysalis' brood are starving because love isn't very filling and they need to constantly find more.
I admit I didn't go in-depth on the whole 'why do we hate changelings' rhetoric in this story. Y'know why? Because it gets a lot of shit thrown at me when I do, and it's always the 'this was so hamfisted, they hate changelings because of the wedding, why are you bringing this shit up again, omg, so racist'.
The Canterlot attack brought a goddamned warzone to ponies front door. You think ponies are going to like being hunted in the streets or in their own homes? Does anyone actually think that there won't be outright hatred for those that pulled that shit. To bastardize a phrase here: "Not all Changelings."
Not all of them are bad, but there's a lot that are, some ponies, like some people, will just paint them all with the same brush and not bother with any evidence to the contrary.
I admit, this was a lazy piece of writing on my behalf, and I make no real excuses to defend it. I wanted to move the story along, and didn't want to breach 20k words again because who the fuck is going to read that much if I make another of that length? If anyone says they would, I dunno, maybe I'll take the work down and start again; not like I don't have, what, five other goddamned stories to finish. However, let's be clear for a moment here; with everything we know behind this story, unless you've peeped into the expanded universe in the tumblr blog I've not touched in months, at this point there are four hive colours: Orange, Violet, Silver, and Teal. How do we know that? Well, the orange and violet hives have signed non-aggression pacts with the equestrians, Vanessa and Canvas are silver, and Chrysalis is teal. We don't know how ponies would react to finding them on the streets at this point, do we, because that didn't happen. What we know is that the Teal hive have shown themselves to be hostile, as per the wedding invasion (that old chestnut.) The public know nothing about any colours other than these at the start of this story, other than that they are more than likely hostile.
What easier way to remove a potential threat than to simply kill it any anyone aiding it? If Echo had been aiding an enemy of the country, as they were likely to know no better once mob mentality set in (and it does so easily over matters just as fucking stupid), then what they've done was technically a good thing, was it not? They've removed a threat to Equestria, protecting their homes, friends, and families.
This story wasn't about some hamfisted attempt to throw racism political bullshit into the fimfiction database, I fucking hate that, but if that's what I'll be accused of, fine.
You could say that in this sense, they are just like us.
Oh, wait,
Damn, beat me to it.
Let's have a look at the fact that the Princesses, the highest authorities in the goddamned country, have allowed this 'witch hunt' to continue for so long, shall we, since we're here. Like I said before, so far we know of four colours, two of which have publicly stated their more or less benign nature toward Equestria, and one of which, which the two peaceful colours have likely told the princesses (though I admit I've not stated them saying as such), has been wiping out other hives and forcefully stealing its forces to bloat its own army. An army which could be anyone, anywhere, at any time, and could do untold damage to the country without anypony knowing until it's too late.
Perhaps, and this is just a stupid thought here, don't have to follow if you don't want to, perhaps the princesses have allowed this vigilantism to continue because, until now, it hasn't actually done anything other than maybe inconvenience some unicorns, simply for the sake of the public's peace of mind. Now one could argue that, after all that time of finding nothing, these ponies finally had something to validate their hunting, and just became overzealous. It's a flimsy fucking argument, I know.
Well... I remember that then, too, and you know what I did with that? I used that to basically force myself to continue writing that story out in a piss poor attempt to escape from it, and now that it's cropped up again, I find myself just as irked as I was then. I fucked up that much? Atop all of the complaints that I've not fleshed out the world enough, allowing people to poke plotholes in my stories wherever they want because 'that's stupid, people don't do that', I gotta throw this one too? Gee, gimmie a minute to just stop writing altogether since I'm clearly not up to snuff.
... I'm not, by the way; the pedestal that people keep putting me on as, as you say,
is a flimsy one at best. I look up to 'talented writers' such as J.K. Rowling and Terry Pratchett. Compared to their stuff I'm a joke, and while I would like to one day be as good as they, I don't think I'll ever get there.
Finally;
Wow, I actually had to look this up, thanks for that, puts the next bit into perspective:
Really, this was a failing on my part, as I'll explain. The details surrounding the Non-Aggression Pact weren't fleshed out in the newspaper because I both failed to think of how that could be done without the newspapers becoming eight times larger that day, and actually forgot to write the lines between Celestia, Peanut, and Crawli about the details being announced by way of Officials later that day, as well as the lines at the start that a Royal Announcement was to be made (Mayor Mare, for example, would have called a town meeting for Twilight to announce it to Ponyville.)
They weren't incompetent in this case, I fucking was.
The character, Pale Canvas, was fleshed out ages ago, and this was a pisspoor attempt to show her backstory. I had a conclusion I wanted, and fucked up my methods and evidence on the way to get there.
TL;DR, Hamfisted racism rhetoric not my intention, I didn't want another 20k word single-chapter story so soon after the last one, and I fucked up because I'm not perfect.
Happy?
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Honestly? No. Because it wasn't my intention to p*ss you off. Neither did I want you to feel like you should stop writing.
Perhaps we've let our misgivings and criticisms stoke each others'; if that's the case, I'm sorry. Admittedly, both Magic Man and I feel similarly about a lot of Changeling stories, many of which aren't as good as your writing by far. It's easy to get caught up in negativity.
And yes, you are as good writer, because if you weren't, Magic Man and I wouldn't spend so much time with your story.
As for your points, well, it looks to me like the main cuplrit here was cutting the word count. A lot of things would've become much clearer with more details, more backstory, more information. Like, do Griffons eat meat in this universe? Are the ponies bothered by it? Can Changelings choose not to prey on ponies? If so, why not tell the princesses so they can reassure their little ponies that Changelings they might come across are harmless? (That "You" in the passage you quoted was directed at the Changeling queen, by the way, not you, the author). What happened to the criminals? Are there going to be efforts to redeem them? Are they more than just violent racists? Are Celestia and Luna aware how much they f*cked up, not just in regards to the hidden Changelings with whom they want peace but with how little they prepared their subjects for it?
All that might've helped to establish that the main focus isn't a message about violent, over-the-top racism. We looked at it and concluded that that's what the story is about. Falsely, by your account.
Some other things are rooted in other issues, yes. The Bat Pony thing, for example. I get what you're saying about Shining Armor, but to be fair, that one gets his behind handed to him most of the time as it is.
Eight of his attackers were off-duty guardsponies. Though, that's a case my me f*cking up, because I totally overlooked that one of his attackers was a Bat Pony too.
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I'd like to chip in my two cents here again. I want to echo what Great Derpsby has said and reassure you that it was not our intention to offend you or discourage you from writing. We are sincere in that we do think of you as a good writer, otherwise we wouldn't be investing the time here in our critiques. I even said at the end of my initial comment I was more than happy to discuss these issues with you, on the likely chance I had made some mistakes.
Now if we did misinterpret the message you were going for, and we clearly did, then very well. We just read the story and took away what we interpreted from it. However, I'm more than happy to hold my hands up and admit we got that wrong.
That being said, I agree that the cutting of the word count was a major source of this story's problems, due to it cutting out some otherwise really useful information and possibly helping lead to this misinterpretation of its goal.
And yes, the information you provide in your reply is helpful, but I still have to judge the story for what it is. Perhaps the word count would have gone longer than desired, but I believe it would have helped the story and mitigated some of our criticisms.
Yeah but that's still mostly just speculation at this point. We at no point disputed there may have been past fear, but unlike the changelings, there's not a canon established past event and grievance that can be pointed to for griffins to justify the fear. There's really not much evidence to solidly confirm if they ARE predators, given all we see them eat are things ponies eat. That's the fault of limited canon info, I guess.
I think you've misunderstood what Derpsby and I were getting at about our points about the ponies who committed this crime. Yes, we already KNOW FULL WELL why many ponies in Canterlot are going to downright hate changelings. That wasn't our point. The issue is more... give us more of a reason to care. We were saying that these ponies should have been fleshed out and characterised like actual people, not a collective plot device, because:
Yes, exactly, that was what I was getting at! It's important to humanize these racist ponies exactly because they're meant to be like us. That fear can lead, good people to say or do horrible things that be inconceivable under normal circumstances. But it's one thing to say, another to show and the writing just isn’t strong enough to support that these are real people with genuine emotions and personalities and to whom I can relate to. The very least would be to have them speak dialogue that isn't just textbook racist diatribe.
And fine, maybe that wasn't your focus or priority, but I truly think this would have helped improve the story and give it something fresh over its kin. It’s not just this story or similar stories on the site, but so many others in Western media in general.
That’s all well and fine to explain how they thought they were justified, even though it still would’ve benefited greatly by being touched on in greater depth in the story, but that wasn’t the crux of my original point. It’s that they clearly didn’t seem to think they’d suffer any legal ramifications after-the-fact. Yes, from what you described, their train of thought up to the incident all makes sense... but then collapses at that pivotal scene where the stallion declares what they did to Celestia’s muzzle.
Regardless of however justified they may have thought they were, killing someone without due process is still murder. Even if they didn’t think they’d get charged for killing Vanessa, surely they’d understand killing Echo most surely would (even if he was a ‘traitor’), at least afterwards when the violence was over and Celestia showed up. And yeah, I somehow don’t see how maiming and trying to sell a child into slavery (changeling or otherwise) is something they think they’re gonna get away with.* If the civilian ponies didn’t think this, then surely eight off-duty guards (whose jobs includes understanding and enforcing Equestrian LAW) must have.
If that one stallion had not said anything and the ponies remained quiet and had to be goaded into admitting their guilt (like any person with with a three digit IQ and basic understanding of the law would), this wouldn’t be nearly as big a problem. But it did happen, in what you described yourself as lazy writing to move the plot along. Except it made the pony characters involved look just far too stupid and, compounded by the lack of information, had me seriously questioning the Equestrian legal system and the story’s logic as a whole.
“Mob Mentality” only goes so far to explain it away, especially when it’s after-the-fact and the perpetrators are actually confronted by the law itself.
And speaking of which, I just wanna make this quick point: I know the whole “facless racist mob” is a big staple in these stories on fimfiction, but they’ve just never made any sense to me when it comes to ponies. You mentioned how griffins are predators? Well, changelings are predators too and ponies are prey/herbivores. And ponies, like other prey/herbivores... just don’t really do mobs, mainly because they don’t respond to threats the way humans do. A herbivore often instinctively avoids or runs from a threat, not confronts it, often because said threat, often because said threat has physical prowess and fangs. This isn’t just biology, this is how ponies act in the show too. When Zecora showed up in Ponyville, they didn’t at first confront her form an angry mob to chase her out or kill her. No, they ran and hid away until she left, and only confronted her when they thought Applebloom was in direct danger. The only real close example to an angry mob example in the show was the episode with Trouble Shoes, and even then, the most extreme it got was posses (or the CMC) going out to apprehend him and bring him to face justice for his supposed crimes ala the Old West.
Yeah, okay, from a dramatic standpoint and the sake of the plot, I guess it kind of Has to occur here, but I’ve always had a difficult time then imagining this as the same species which runs in terror from zebras and bunny stampedes. I dunno...
Well... yeah, the argument is pretty flimsy. Even if that was the Princess’ rationale, it’s still inexcusably reckless on their part. All it takes is for one trigger-happy and paranoid pony to lose their nerve, mistake something for suspicious, and a tragedy is bound to happen like the one which occurred here. If peace of mind was a priority, then surely an increased Royal Guard presence, whose Job is to enforce law and order, would have sufficed? Allowing these vigilante groups to operate only ends up sending the wrong or mixed messages: to the public that the Royal Guard can’t be fully trusted to do their job and about how to feel about changelings, and to other Hives with whom Equestria is trying to maintain peace with.
I wasn’t trying to make you feel like you were being incompetent. Yes, I admit, this information you included here would have been very helpful and cleared a lot of things up if it appeared. But you’re a human being and as such, are flawed and are allowed to make errors. I’m as guilty of this as anyone else.
Though, I'd just like to point this out, I don't think the newspaper (which was only mentioned once) that day would have had to be made eight times longer that day. Newspapers are designed to break down key information about events to make them accessible to everyday readers. Heck, this pact most likely has been in the newspapers for weeks now as the big political event of the year, where details and speculation would be in the news daily.
(*Im serious when I said before there seems to be some kind of escalation with these stories to make the ponies come off more heinous. It's the only explanation I can come up with the focus of changeling children repeatedly being made the target in these stories; shock value.)
I loved this story. I don't care what anyone else says. It was well done (and was able to get me up and mentally screaming for those responsible for the murders to be executed). I'm glad to have finally gotten to reading it, and I wish I'd known how good it would be.
May God go with you
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Hi Fireheart:
For me, what bugs me the most is the fact the perpetrators mutilated a child. It bugs me to no end, even if it's a story. Talk about giving a child a permanent reminder of how evil & cruel people can become. Hope she can lean to forgive... she will need the aid of good friends to do so.
Little comfort but at least the perpetrators were caught & will be judge & punished, spending a very long time lock in the dungeon to ponder what they did. They better not lament that they are the victims because their lives were ruined, that will indicate they learned nothing & would be dangerous if ever released back into the streets.
Wait... Who injured the filly? Did you forget to put that scene in?