Jason was just your average teen, loved to play video games, got into trouble every now and then, and had ok grades in school. But one day, when he brought home a plushie Princess Celestia for his sister for her 7th birthday, his sister loved it. But the next day after his sister blew out her birthday candles, his life was changed upside down when he woke up as the pony Princess of the sun herself. Can he live his life as a pretty pony princess until they can find out how to turn him back?
Chapters (3)
This has a lot of potential.
Unfortunately, some of the grammar and spelling mistakes in it are atrocious. You should probably get an editor to look over any chapters you make so that it's polished up and readers would appreciate your work more without the distraction of errors that take you away from the story.
If you want, I'm game.
I will follow this.
You have my thumb up, I speak Spanish and English is a bit difficult for me to write, so I use the translator, only details like when I finished speaking sarah and ran running to his room, you understand or one assumes that he did, And I hope the next.
tienes mi pulgar arriba , hablo español y el ingles es un poco dificil de que lo pueda escribir, por lo que uso el traductor ,solo detalles como cuando termino de hablar sarah y salio corriendo a su cuarto ,se entiende o uno asume que hizo, y que espero el siguiente .
up point , cap next
This is a fun idea for a story, but you really need an editor. There are a lot of grammar and spelling errors. There are also several places where the writing just gets kind of sloppy and needs to be tightened up.
A few major points:
Remember that "I" should always be capitalized.
Decide what tense the story is being written in. You shift back and forth between writing in the present tense and the past tense. Personally, I would recommend writing the entire story in past tense. If you prefer present tense (which seems to be mostly what you're using) then it would be good to use past tense for the flashback sequence.
Be mindful of your dialogue tags. There are many, many times when you finish up your dialogue with "I say" or "she asked" or "he said." This is fine some of the time, but when you use it for almost every line it becomes very repetitive.
A couple specific edits I would recommend:
It would probably be good to edit down the scene in which he buys the plushie. It makes no sense for the cashier to ask whether he wants his change (of course he does!), and we really don't need to know which coins and bills he got in change. Also, if the main character doesn't know the show very well he wouldn't be familiar enough to know whether the plushie was accurately made or not.
When the father is questioning his son was "Mary" meant to be the mother's maiden name or her middle name?
There is a lot of potential here, and with a bit more work I think you have a good story. The premise is one I haven't seen before, since most humans-turn-into-ponies stories take place in Equestria instead of our world. I also like that you are including the family members a main characters, since many human-meets-ponies stories tend to have their main characters isolated from other people.
I hope my comments were helpful.
7883256 I am already getting these errors fixed ^^
and it is helpful
Very good also somone tell sarah shes an alicorn.
Cool story, though I guess the dialogue could be a little better...?
Intriguing... A tad rushed in my opinion, but at the same time it does very well feel like a re-telling, rather than a narrated story, so that can be chalked up to memory skips, which everyone is prone to. I'd say try to slow down a little with future chapters, try to... flesh out the character's personalities, and you really could have a nice little gem of a story. Just something to think about while you're writing.
7884412 i will do that, thanks for the tip
7884417 Oh it's no problem! I'm just a lowly reader passing by, like a quiet breeze in a summer field.
really nice, I start reading it tomorrow.
I just hope this isn't turning into some weird he has to protect the world against Discord stuff and then turn back.
While I also hope that he isn't getting to much trouble with some kind of army I for once hope this is going to be a funny and not to complicated story for once, but I would read it anyway.
7886571 oh no don't worry, it's not going to be one of those stories. it's going to be totally different.
1. This is better than some other stories that have the same theme.
To be honest I thought he would wear a costume and because of that his sister would want him to be real, not just hey let's turn my brother into my sister, but hey it is still funny.
that's already funny because everytime it is the father that hates the horse in his house, I say he is trying to kill him next. There is a 70/30 % chance that it might happen.
This is weird, it looks like a not so well placed timeskip.
It is the first time that I really thought about it, but why don't they ever think, that of course they don't just assume that it is their son.
I hope he is just walking perfectly because he is not really thinking about it and because he wish to be there for his sister, not that somethign is controlling him.
I hope I'm only overreacting and this is only you trying to describe that he is bein able to move his body instinctive.
Is he little? I only remember some stories in which Celestia is reaching up to a humans breast.
Yep I pretty much like it, sorry if it looks like I complain a lot, I'm actually only not a fan of any (two souls in ove body), or (the body forcing the Human to act like the pony would), or (a god/wanabe god faust, is forcing a Human turned Cadance or someone else, to act like her and live the same life. That means for a guy to be forced to date Shining Armor and not having a choice in his whole life anymore.)
If I like a story I always try to make sure that there isn't a mistake repeating itself, or happening in the first place.
Of course everything is my personal opinion and no rule, I just wanted you to know that I like it even if I overdo it with my comment again.
7887905 no no, your fine
and he's more a teenage celestia. that's why he is little. and i am going to do a rewrite when i go far enough into the story.
Seems a bit rushed and rusty around the grammar. But otherwise the story is cool, I really like the concept of it.
Kinda reminds me of another -slightly similar- story, also featuring some turning into Celestia or a version of her.
7890413 don't worry, whn i get far enough into the story, i am going to rewrite chapters
7891047 Sounds good enough.
Oh, while I have your attention, how often will you upload chapters (every week, month, year, decades or maybe even centuries)?
7891276
anyway, it depends on how i am feeling. if i am doing good, it may take a couple of days, otherwise it may take a week or two, the longest i have created a chapter, because i haven't felt well during that time, was a month.
MORE!!!!!
7895073 another chapter is coming.
I've never read a story where the character switches between Equestria and Earth. This is going to be interesting.
7917177 Indeed. While he's awake, he's on earth, but while he's asleep, he's in Equestria. It is an interesting idea.
7917189
Or is he waking up?
7917255 hmm, interesting
7917259
Or are they both dreams?
So.. he has two bodies on earth and in Equestria in same time ?
Because when he sleep second times,
It means mane six can take his body (which in Equestria) to a house.
7917626 well, when he's awake, he's on earth, but when he sleeps, he's in Equestria.
7917633
I mean...
Does he have two pony bodies in same time? ( on earth and in Equestria)
Because mane six can move his body to a house when his mind on earth
If not.., Fluttershy should say " she is appear" not "she is awake" .. ( I guess?)
YES!!!
7918203
7918224 is a great story far and has a good personality set for hhe characters iinvalved! Great job!
7918230
7918233 keep up the good work!
7918251 will do!
Story is cool in my book but it still seems a bit rushed.... but that is just st my opinion.
I love how the story is progressing so far. I'm looking forward to reading the next chapter
7917633
the way I see it it's like dream bodies and things with Homestuck when they're asleep they go to their dream body when they're awake they go to their normal body
1. wow biggest comment I ever made and I wasn't even seriously mad about anything.
I think I would have prefered " Um, dad I think I can't....".
Even if it makes sense that he can think that far, I think maybe he forgot about it a moment and would only mention that he well feels odd looking at the meat.
It is one of the better ones, but I feel like it is pretty difficult to make such a story without making it look odd at one point.
Call me an odd one, but I suddenly want a scene where someone is visiting them and accidently sees him, maybe while his parents are gone.
The thing is I think that he maybe would be affraid enough to activate his magic which would only follow his thoughts and turn his horn and wings invisible. That way we would have him being forced to act like a regular pony and the visitor wondering why they have a horse in their living room.
Okay there is my ususal Twilight use her magic to prevent other people from moving again (and her free will for a moment) reaction that I have since one certain storie and to be honest it was somehow weird to image Twilight actually stoping her mentor with magic like that. I always imaged this would maybe count as rude even if their world.
I really hope that it isn't some weird body change or mind sharing thing, because I get the feeling that the dream means more.
I admit I always liked the idea of characters actually acting like an animal or pet in order to keep up a disguise for a longer while, sadly it is always well revealed way to fast.
Okay I like that, but I'm still in the mood to point out some thing. I mean I would never just grab that pet in my friends home if no one would be even there and do stuff with that animal that the owner maybe doesn't even likes.
If he is going to be there, I hope that he is more like a second Celestia and doesn't wake up suddenly remembering that her life as Jason was a lie.
If he is going to stay in the human world or even Celestia I hope he can keep his body and that he be the only one in it.
YES
sorry but I was affraid in which way this could possibly be messed up if it wouldn't have happened.
If there wouldn't exist Changelings I would say that this would have been kidnapping.
Well 1. Applejack probably doesn't knows what he maybe would be capable of right now.
2. I don't think Rainbow would really fight back at least if he hits her till it still may count as an apology hit.
Why does it sound so weird that they treat her likea pro wrestler? Maybe I only don't really like it that they make it look like Rainbow did nothing wrong. (and again I know they did that because they thought....well you know, i still don't like it that they side with her somehow.)
sorry if I complain about the same thing again, but it is a difficullt thing for me to...hhmmm, let me try to explain it differently.
I had read a story where Twilight did some stuff to a human with her magic, which would be like one human ......(oh what was the word) doing stuff to another one that he doesn't wants to happen. She was even transforming him and giving him some sort of a slight trauma. Well guess what, the guy got angry, Twilight was crying and his friend (girl) got angry at him making it sound like she had the right to rule about his life.
Since that story I somehow hate it if they go against someones will and just take them with their magic and stuff like that. While she isn't old enough to live alone it seems, they could have handled the situation in a different way.
I guess I think that it is a bit sad that Jason is probably even a bit scared and they just decide what to do with her.
I somehow got a feeling something like this would happen. I mean that everyone is somehow able to decide what is the best for him without him having even a little say in the matter and even his friends are kind of assholes right now, thinking that they are the ones that have the right to be angry with him being in this difficult situation and just leave.
7917177 It is interessting I know, but I feel like it depens on how it is going to play out. I think I saw the same idea written in a really bad way. Somehow those human turned pony stories on earth look always a bit more whiney, than where they are in Equestria. That wasn't meant to sound mean towards this story, but it is something I noticed.
Nearly always the parents or the dead ends up hating them, granted his dead changed after the first moment again.
The characters always cries himself to sleep.
Half of the time the main char has no say in whatever is going to happen to him....okay I'm not sure about this point, I just want it to be better than those stories I had already read.
7917255 That was something I admit I would like as well now that I know he has his own body, I only don't like that they try to control him so much at the moment. I can't say it enough, even in their world I would image that it would be rude to use their magic on other ponys against their will, even more against non Unicorns. I mean taking away their ability to move like they want is just bad.
I know I can take some stuff to seriously, but I know enough stories where they would have been able to get her there with explaining his options or something like that. Maybe Twilight needs to learn about personal space in this story or something like that.
7918718 Maybe that is why I feel a bit troubled about it, not sure why rarely someone else speaks there mind about anything in every storie. I usually only see very short comments, I can't image that everyone just likes everything, or they don't even care to write something in the first place. Well I like this storie enough to speak about it.
............................................
I hope I managed to really say what I wanted to say, sometimes I feel like I well miss to adress the real problem and make it sound wrong, I guess I wait and see what you understood so far.
Just now that I like this story and care enough for the storie to either prevent bad stuff from happening (that I think that might could happen), or to talk about what I don't like.
I don't need you to change much, but maybe you actually agree to make it look different, like the scene with Twilight just taking him instead of trying to be reasonable. Someone said it looks rushed, I haven't thought about it this time, but maybe you should really take your time to add something like this to the scene. I wouldn't mind Twilight taking her away after they talked a bit and Jason not knowing what he should really say about it anymore. (kind of accepting his fate I mean).
Now I got another idea but suddenly forgot about it again.
7927474 Seems like a reasonable reply.
7929957 indeed
ERK... SO MUCH FEELS
Why do you have to end it there?
I love this story so much, I wish there was more
Anyways, well done, you've created another wonderful chapter
I'm looking forward to the next part of this story
Let me tell you a story, all about ho-
7955875 wat
You sir, have peaked my curiosity.
Meh. It's exactly what it said on the tin, but doesn't really have much of a plot or rational, realistic reactions by the family. I guess those aren't really necessary, with this being a comedy/random story.
My prediction:
"It's Sarah's 8th birthday!"
"Make a wish!"
*poof*
"Why hello, little sister Luna/Sarah."
I like that even if I still kind of hate what they where doing to here or how they did it and somehow I don't liked it this time that she was just waking up in that room and the adoption started right away.
Okay since she is an Alicorn I feel like she maybe should have tried to get to know her instead of "wow a rare pony, I guess I adopt her because of just that". I know you didn't it, but it is easy to look at it like that.
kind of hope the body shifting works at least in a way, that allows our main char to joing normal life activitys and maybe spent a whole day there instead of waking up in the morning and falling asleep in the middle of the schoolday, waking uo when everybody is gone. I just hope her body isn't moving on it's own and does stuff she doesn't rememember.
If in this universe isn't as dangerous to him as the others (like every army wanting to capture him), then I would like it if he would be forced to play with some little children when he is getting into such a position. I'm just somehow interessting in such scenes, where the main char is either a bit uncomfortable in that situation or trying to fool other people.
Honestly I hope that he somehow has to act like a pet and that after some chaos they allow him to stay with his family and not taking him away completely. Not sure what would make more sense but not every universe has to be like that, that they want to cut him open and stuff like that. Maybe they just insist on some researches.
In a way that body shifting is nice, but at the same time it always ends up being to short and I start to wish it would be a seperate story.
Maybe at some point something happens and you make two sequels with him being in Equestria and one in his world.
I think both worlds are interessting but I feel like the Equestrian side is a bit suffering from those changes, maybe that is even why I'm not always so happy with how it happens there, because you are kind of forced to make appear everything a bit rushed.
I really like this story, but I try to mention if I think it could turn out even better and hope that I could explain everything how I mean it.
I think I got the diabetus....
7958268 ya?
7958270 such sad actions from the cute pony....