Rainbow Dash has always had her head in the clouds, physically, but is always brought back to Equestria by the no nonsense common sense attitude of her best friend, Applejack. This story is an AppleDash fic, and takes place after the Season 2 finale of MLP:FiM.
This is my first fanfic ever, so feedback is most welcome!
(image by Tartii at DeviantArt seen here: http://tartii.deviantart.com/art/Ponytail-291577879)
*This is Book 1 of the LotusVerse.
There is a sequel to this book: Saddlebags, Sun, and On The Run (Book 2)
Chapters (12)
Good so far
Alright. Let's start with an overall evaluation before breaking this down. As far as writing goes, this is fairly decent. AS far as shipping goes, this is horrible. Whether you extend where you left off or begin later in the timeline, you want to tease us with actual romance(In my opinion, of course). Leaving the first chapter where you know that CMC is gonna do something to affect either one of the shipped ponies is not a great hook. Don't get me wrong though, it is a somewhat unique way to go about the romance and is a much better start than quite a bit of fics out there.
Now for the breakdown. I'll basically point out the good/bad things done but prolly not go into too much detail.
Good
-You spaced out paragraphs. Spacing=good
-Decent balance of tell and show
-Fair amount of dialogue
Bad
-Whenever somepony speaks, you must start a new paragraph. This shows that a different pony is speaking as well as allows descriptions without confusion. Ie. confusion: " Any bold, flattering new designs you would like to browse in my shop?” Applejack snorted, “No offense, Rarity, but .." " Granted, I read this a bit too quickly, but at first it sound like Applejack is offering to have her dresses looked at.
-Thoughts should not be in quotations but italicized instead. Gives a distinction.
-Like I said before, there isn't much of a hook.
-The dialogue of RD needs a little work. Would you ever imagine hearing her say "infatuation"? I would say something more casual/slang-y would be appropriate. Something like "crush" is perfect for her vocabulary.
Tip: Basically for the RD vocab., You don't have to stay canon on such issues. However I would recommend that you stick close to canon because it will be easier for readers to relate to somepony, like RD, when they have the same personality that we know.
Well that is everything off the top of my head. Let me know if anything is confusing. Also, I like the cover art.
864692
Thank you, DoctorOMalley! Normally I'd italicize rather than quote, but I'm so used to reading fanfics in plain text (usually on my Kindle), that I automatically format for that without thinking. LOL
864709
Thanks, will! I hope you'll enjoy it as I post each chapter. I'm hoping to make this story a good one (as opposed to a bad one
).
864725
Awesome! Critique! :D
I will definitely be implementing italics instead of quotations for inner dialogue in future chapters. As I mentioned to DoctorOMalley, I'm so used to typing in plain text that I didn't even consider italicizing. That will change going forward.
Regarding Dash's vocabulary: Yeah, once you said that, I realized "infatuation" is definitely not something Dash would say. Then again, she's smarter than what she lets on, so maybe I'm revealing her markedly higher level of intelligence, and that all this time she's a Rhodes Scholar. Huh? Huh?.
Nah, you're right. When it comes to Dash, I'll just have to emphasize simplicity and shortcuts for how she speaks and thinks. I want my ponies to behave like their canon counterparts, even if this isn't some grand piece of fiction.
There's a lot to take under consideration, and I really appreciate you taking the time to post your thoughts, Zanmatsuken!
AppleDash, yay! Will read later, as it's nearly 3am here.
They already tried that. Remember? Oh well, let's see where this goes.
*A wild first appeared*
Cool story bro.
864918
I hope you enjoy it! :D
865301
Who knows what might happen?
876942
Danke.
Hey you should add proper titles to the chapters to make them more memorable
880334
I considered that, but then figured I would just rather have chapter numbers instead. Maybe in a future work (if this one goes well), I'll step it up a notch. This is, after all, my very first fanfiction. The last time I wrote stories was back in high school, and that was in the late 90s, so I'm more than a bit rusty. It's getting easier as I go, though.
881065 awesome
You need to separate the characters' speeches because you did this for chapter one and this one too. It gets really difficult trying to figure out who is who when their speeches are together in a paragraph. The guy that told you to separate them by paragraphs, he meant that when you start talking like some other pony, you start a new paragraph this way, we know who is talking. Please work on that.
887084
Where did you have the most difficulty understanding the identity of the speaker in Chapter Two? I promise you, it's not a snarky question, I just need to know so I have a good idea of to what you're referring. I took great care this time to make certain the identity of the speaker is clear, and I did break up a number of larger paragraphs to make it easier to see who was speaking, and to whom.
In this chapter, there are only three speakers; Twilight, Spike, and Rarity. Each monologue and dialogue piece is setup in a way that it indicates immediately whom is speaking. For me, the problem is that If I make a new paragraph for each new speaker, I'm going to have one or two sentence paragraphs, which breaks up the flow and readability.
887263 “Spiiiiike!” Twilight called to her dragon assistant, who was busy in the kitchen washing the dishes from supper. A moment later, she heard the water stop, and Spike walked into the common area, wiping his claws on his apron. “Yeah, Twilight?” He asked, as he watched her stand up, pick up a parchment with her magic, and float it in front of his face, so that he could see it. “I just discovered a major crisis!”
Spike jumped at that, and panicked as he replied, “Oh no! What is it, Twilight? A Manticore? Zombies? ...a Zombie Manticore?!” At the prospect of that scenario, his pupils shrunk to pinpricks and he began shaking. Twilight merely looked at him askance and grumbled, “Oh, Spike. What is it with you and Zombies? Anyway, no, it's worse than that! My compendium of lists for approving our itinerary is missing! Without it, I won't have information I need on destinations that qualify for lists that I've compiled that organize our travel arrangements! This is terrible!”
These are just the first two paragraphs, which you have both Twi and Spike speaking in both at the same time. You can tell who is who, but it is misleading when you see them in the same paragraph. It should be more like this:
“Spiiiiike!” Twilight called to her dragon assistant, who was busy in the kitchen washing the dishes from supper. A moment later, she heard the water stop, and Spike walked into the common area, wiping his claws on his apron.
“Yeah, Twilight?” He asked, as he watched her stand up, pick up a parchment with her magic, and float it in front of his face, so that he could see it.
“I just discovered a major crisis!”
Spike jumped at that, and panicked as he replied, “Oh no! What is it, Twilight? A Manticore? Zombies? ...a Zombie Manticore?!” At the prospect of that scenario, his pupils shrunk to pinpricks and he began shaking.
Twilight merely looked at him askance and grumbled, “Oh, Spike. What is it with you and Zombies? Anyway, no, it's worse than that! My compendium of lists for approving our itinerary is missing! Without it, I won't have information I need on destinations that qualify for lists that I've compiled that organize our travel arrangements! This is terrible!”
This is how you are suppose to do it to avoid confusing readers with who says what. You may have them say their names to help, but it can still be found confusing when people read through it too fast. You also have this in your 3rd, 4th, and 6th paragraph.
887263 Also, it doesn't matter if they are one or two sentence paragraphs if they are talking. The point is to show who says what, and to make it easier for readers is by making them have their own sentences. The only really reason you should have long paragraphs is if they are talking a lot, giving story, lecture, etc., or if the narrator is talking about what is happening. Which is why it is not good to rush the story because then you have small paragraphs because you lack detail in the story, which will displease readers when the story ends faster than expected.
Ah, I see what you're saying now. When it comes to descriptive paragraphs or plot points to move the story along, write it normally. When dialogue comes into play, use quick punches instead, like a back and forth. Is that what you mean?
I have reformatted Chapters One and Two. Let me know if it's easier to read, please.
The latest chapter is up. I hope you enjoy it! Comments welcome!
I feel something big coming in the next chapter ^^
Where is the appledash?
910822
You might be feeling right.
911150
The AppleDash is on it's way, I promise.
911269
Ah got mah eye on you son...
911271
No need to fear. Deep within my cold, cold heart, lies the fire of an AppleDash shipper.
Dust motes danced back and forth in the beams
Is that meant to be dust mites? idk what motes is.
911951
Motes are particles. You can usually see them best when strong sunlight passes through a window.
Wait is there more shipping then just appledash?
912477
I'll say maybe. While I have 90% of my story fleshed out in my head and in a few outlines, not everything is concrete. As I have been writing, there are some straggling ideas in my head that I've been considering putting down to paper, as it were. Believe it or not, this story was originally intended to have five chapters. That's not going to happen now. The more I write, the more I get comfortable in the role, and the more I wish to impart to the reader. So there may be another ship in here.
912189 Wow, I never knew that!
914722
See? With me, you always learn something new!
Also, we need a Cheerilee emoticon here.
914747 We also need a Luna emoticon because she is best pony (Plus RD has 6)
914803
Yeah, I love Rainbow Dash (I really do!), but Luna needs one. I mean, Celestia has one, so why not Luna?!
Great chapter! But I found one error:
" That kind of stuff was for people who liked "
I presume you meant: " That kind of stuff was for ponies who liked "
Keep up the good work!
Great chapter! But I found one error:
" That kind of stuff was for people who liked "
I presume you meant: " That kind of stuff was for ponies who liked "
Keep up the good work!
Right now this looks like a Rarijack story. Not to be harsh, but I came for AppleDash, not that crappy ship.
Action? Like clop?
915289
Curses! My human brain has foiled me again! Thanks for the heads up!
915351
The story's just now getting off the ground, and there's lots in store regarding Applejack and Rainbow Dash. Keep your pants on.
Speaking of clop: No. There's no clop in this story. There's romanticism, but no clop.
Good work so far. I look forward for the new chapters to arrive. No majorly mistakes that I can see, and you are using imagery so everything is fine. Except, you are just missing the AppleDash shipping. Can't wait to see this, I am expecting great things.
From hell, to you, and back again,
Soto Konoha
917191
Thanks! :D
Yeah, I'm like a diesel engine. It takes a bit to get me going, but once I'm running, things work out fairly well (I hope!).
The AppleDash shipping will become much more prominent in the next chapter, I promise. :)
Well damn, that was a bit sudden
Nice chapter
damn you chilf hangers
940920
Thanks! I was ready to shift into 'Drive' in this chapter. I hope you will like the future ones.
940928
*cackles with evil delight*
Yeah!!! Good job Rainbow Dash! All sudden and unexpected, but the cliff hanger is soo much! Great story and keep up the good work!
EDIT: Need to add this: Favorite, thumbs up, 5 mustaches, congratulations!
From hell, to you, and back again,
Soto Konoha
946195
5 mustaches!? I'm honored!
I NEED MOAR NAOW
965027
Your wish is my command.
I thought spike wasn't going? I am so confused
That explanation will be forthcoming in the next chapter. :D