"Take me away to a dream and I will live like it was real, wake me up to reality and I'll live it like it was a dream."
The Writers' Group56,786 stories ·9,325 members
Looking for Editors3,384 stories ·5,422 members
Twilight keeps having nightmares about Midnight, but can she overcome them with the help of her friends, or will she fall under the power and control of her dark side instead?
Note: This takes place slightly after the events of the "Legend of the Everfree" Movie.
Page generated in 0.059 seconds
Total duration
584 users online
674,171 hits today, 1,938,329 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
I, at the very least want to see more of this
7976581
Thank you for the Fave
Now then, will you please ask me why 12 chapters, go ahead, go right now.
7976585 Well I am curious as to why twelve was decided on
7976590
Very good then...
It's twelve for a very specific reason, I won't say why exactly...
But think about her name...
Good.
Now think about the hours on a clock...
Good.
By now you're probably wondering how they're related/connected.
Just you wait...
I mean, the clue and hint should be in time somewhere...
Or rather a clock instead...
(I would rather leave the audience make their own conclusions on the number 12)
7976594
Alright, so fair warning, I haven't read the chapter yet, but...
It's a countdown (countup?) to midnight. 1:00, 2:00... 12:00. Midnight.
'Cause she's Midnight Sparkle.
And now that I have read the chapter...
Are you aware that your POV shifts from first person to third person towards the end of the chapter? Completely unprompted? In a very poorly conveyed manner, so it just looks like a mistake on your first readthrough?
Because it does, and it's really jarring.
Like, I get that it's going from a journal entry to narration? But for pony's sake, at the very least put in a line break.
And I was going to leave it at that, but you've gone offline and I'm bored, and I kinda like you, kiddo. (Oh, it's RB, by the way. 'Ello!) So, here's another thing:
People don't usually record entire conversations, verbatim, in journals.
Actually, screw it. I'm still bored, and writing isn't going well, so you get more advice. Lucky you.
So, in just your first 200 words, you've already got six ellipses. Ellipses tend to lose all meaning when you overuse them.
Also, might just be me (probably not, though), but your dialogue is incredibly stiff. Lots and lots of commas. Too many, even. Like, here's an example:
Vs. something like, say,
maybe.
Also, 'not anymore, not any longer at least' is super redundant, now that I look at it. And you've used it more than once.
And on the topic of dialogue, this line:
is a goddamn travesty. Why is it a question? Why is Sunset's response to Midnight's return so flaccid? She's just discovered that one of her, arguably her best, friends has been taken over by an evil entity, and possibly been erased from existence. And yet she doesn't even sound upset. She sounds calm, even!
But at this point I'm just rambling. Sorry for cluttering up your comment box.
Have a pleasant day, Mr. Allan.
7976613
Yes, exactly so my dear good sir.
7976821
Look, my first draft is always shit...
And I have no editors for this, okay?
7978632 Well, yeah. The first draft is always shit, no matter how good you are. The obvious answer to that, of course, is to not publish your first draft (a lesson I've learned the hard way).
I can't really talk about finding editors 'cause I self edit, but from what I've heard other people say, the best way to find editors is to either ask for help or to visit an editing group.
Hell, if you ever have, like, a one chapter thing you want someone to take a look at, you can drop me a line. I do that sort of thing every now and then. You have to promise to take the corrections and criticisms to heart, though—and don't make it your first draft.
7978632
Wink wink, nudge nudge.
7978888
???
Do YOU WANT to edit FOR me?
7978894
.
If you would like an editor, then I would be happy to. And don't worry, I wouldn't forget to specify chapters this time
7978905
Okay then, go for it.
Before I read this, what is the Dark tag for ?
And how bad is it ?
7979860
Dark for insanity