Chapter 11 - Where's some good take-out around here?
Kingfisher watched King Argent Light with reverence, as he glared down at the glowing, smoldering crater where the pile of rubble used to be. His eyes were like a hawk’s, taking in each glowing yellow ember, ensuring that no piece of the scene escaped him. If any scrap of rebellion or life remained after that devastating spell, he would catch it. Not that Kingfisher believed there would be anything to find, yet he scanned the area all the same. His stoic diligence made Kingfisher’s heart flutter. Brother Odd had been her salvation, but King Argent was their idol. His was a class all its own.
“Amazing, truly amazing!” Ruby Drops cooed, her tone sickeningly sweet. “It’s been far too long since I’ve last seen you cast that spell.”
Argent gritted his teeth.
“We’re setting up a perimeter around this forest. Containment field, full patrols day and night, everything,” he commanded.
“But, Argy, surely you don’t think those miserable rats could have escaped your might?”
A vein in his temple throbbed, warning Kingfisher to back away, lest she get caught in the blast zone.
“Your certainty that they are dead is precisely why I’m being cautious. There are no bodies. That means there are no guarantees that they were destroyed. Dismissing the threat the Smooze poses solely on the assumption that the Sunlight Amplifier doesn’t leave corpses is a risk I am not willing to take.”
The sight of Ruby Drops blanching thrilled Kingfisher. So Ruby hadn’t told anyone that it was the Smooze who had been biting her ankles lately. Kingfisher knew the female Master was prideful, but hiding such information was tantamount to insubordination.
“The Smooze?” Ruby asked, keeping her voice as level as she could manage, even as she dug herself a deeper grave. “Where did you hear such a silly rumor?”
It seemed Ruby realized her mistake the moment the words left her mouth. Argent turned slowly, eyes as cold and hard as steel. Kingfisher shivered against the unrelenting frost that clung to every word that hissed through Argent’s clenched teeth, even though she wasn’t their target.
“Odd informed me that his agent had encountered the Smooze in Ponyville and that you had been unsuccessful in defeating it. What I find most curious is: why was this only reported through agent Kingfisher and not directly from you?”
“O- Of course I was going to report it to you, Argent. I just thought-”
“No, thinking is the one thing you didn’t do! Did you forget the trouble the Smooze caused us the first time? We are this close, Ruby,” he hissed, holding up a hoof and pinching his frog, “this close to realizing my vision. We can’t afford complacency.”
Argent whirled away, marching towards the forest. “Get that perimeter up now. Nothing goes in or out. Report everything. I’ll not have my plans set back because something slipped through the cracks!”
He vanished with a flash and a loup snap. Kingfisher felt the warm glow of victory wash over her as Ruby Drops seethed in silence. God was on her side. Just that knowledge made every moment spent in Ruby’s company worthwhile. Kingfisher gloated internally, then reasserted control over her mask of impartiality.
“Lady Ruby.”
Ruby Drops whirled on her, but Kingfisher remained imperturbed. She was doing God’s work. God would continue to protect her.
“Shall I begin making arrangements for the blockade?” She asked primly, watching as Ruby’s impotent fury almost boiled over.
Suddenly, absolute calm washed over Ruby Drops. She straightened, smoothing both her mane and dress with her magic. Kingfisher felt a small crack of uncertainty fissure her emotionless mask. What had changed?
“Yes. Yes, that would be best. Hurry along now, we mustn’t disappoint His Majesty.”
Kingfisher left, not daring to glance back. Whatever mood had come over Ruby seemed… unstable. Dangerous. She couldn’t leave fast enough. God’s protection or no, proximity of any sort to Ruby Drops felt like it would end in ceaseless pain. She’d had her victory. Best not to make it pyrrhic by not knowing when to cut and run. However, it still felt like Ruby’s eye bored into the back of her skull, even as she crested the treetops and flew out of view.
As we lay panting and sweating on the cold stone of the cavern, I reflected on the absurdity of the past few days. I had died, reincarnated as a snot bubble, eaten close to my weight in gold, grew by several orders of magnitude, shapeshifted a few times, fought off some magical super-creatures, started a grassroots revolution, and escaped death by magnifying glass. I wanted to laugh, but it came out as more of a dry wheeze. The noises that escaped my compatriots were little different.
I lay there for quite a while, mind swimming. Faintly, I began to recognize that my heavy breathing wasn’t helping; breathing, in general, did nothing for me. The soupy feeling in my ‘brain’ was being caused by something else. Then, Starlight sat up and called out.
“Is everypony still with us?”
“Barely,” Night Glider moaned.
“I’m okay,” Rara reassured.
“Oh, my aching neck,” Rubeo grumbled.
“I feel funny,” I replied.
Everypony looked at me, so I expounded.
“Everything’s… like…” I trailed off. Then, when no words materialized, I popped my lips and let out a wheezing breath.
Starlight got up and made her way over towards me. My eyes were having difficulty tracking her. They felt dry, but no amount of blinking helped. Starlight reached out to me, first putting her hoof on me, then into me. It left an indent.
“Oh wow. You’re really dried out.”
“Yeah,” I rasped, “it’s making me lag, I think.”
I tested my theory by trying to grow a tentacle and, sure enough, it took nearly a full second for the action to follow the impulse. I let it flop down, but it didn’t dissolve back into me. I frowned.
Adjutant?
<<Ye…s, Dir…ecto…r??>>
Oh boy.
“Hey, uh… does anybody have something to… uh…”
“Drink?” Starlight offered helpfully. “Rubeo, could you-?”
“Gladly.”
Before anyone could say anything, his horn flared. Suddenly, water began to condense in the air above me, first as a mist, then droplets, then one large bubble about six inches in diameter. The bubble dropped, unceremoniously splashing me in the face. His little passive-aggressive stunt aside, it was precisely what I needed. My stiff flesh quickly absorbed it, providing the nanogolems with the necessary fluid base for their suspension medium. It wasn’t nearly enough to get me back to my normal gooiness, but I was at least now the consistency of lumpy dough.
“Much better, thank you.”
“Any time,” he grumbled, ignoring Starlight’s accusing stare. Lucky for him, she let it go.
“What do we do now?” Night Glider fretted, chewing on the edge of her hoof.
“Simple,” I replied, “we either find or make an exit. For now, though, let’s just get out of this particular crevice. All this hot air is stifling.”
“So, we’re not going to talk about how we almost got vaporized, then?”
Everybody but Rara glared at Rubeo, though she did frown slightly at the space in front of her. Rubeo held up his hooves.
“Just thought it was worth mentioning.”
Starlight forged ahead, followed by Night and Rubeo, and backed up in the rear by myself and Rara, whom I carried. We followed the twists and turns of the fissure, sometimes shuffling through horizontally, sometimes climbing nearly vertical crags. A few times, I had to catch Starlight or Rubeo, before they fell and impaled themselves on stalagmites. It was rough going, but we slogged on, glancing behind us every so often out of fear that we were somehow followed.
After nearly an hour of spelunking, we came upon a magnificent sight.
We strolled into a massive cavern, easily able to fit Starlight’s house several times over. Light from the bioluminescent fungi and the unicorns’ horns mixed and interplayed on the facets of the crystalline structures that dotted the walls, slick with condensation. Grand swathes of color coated the walls, the ceiling, and many of the stalactites and stalagmites, hinting at the generous mineral deposits within. Steam roiled off the surfaces of a plethora of multicolored puddles that dotted the center of the basin-like floor, volcanic hot springs giving the place a damp, slightly sulfuric smell. The entire cavern was a hotbed of mineral and bacterial growth. But that wasn’t all.
“Eric! Look at that!”
I did indeed look at that. It was difficult not to notice. In the very center of the chamber, on a mound of steaming rock, lay the skeletonized remains of a colossal creature. Its long neck and tail curled around in front of its bare ribcage, covered by two skeletal limbs with extremely long ‘fingers.’ The horned skull blocked our view of what lay in the center. In a subterranean hot spring, atop a mound of steaming rock, a skeleton that large could have come from very few things. Then, of course, Rubeo added his two cents.
“Is that… a dragon’s skeleton?” He asked, tone equal parts incredulous and awed.
“I would hazard a guess that yes, it is,” I breathed, equally impressed.
“Amazing,” he intoned, walking forward with reverence and not a drop of hesitation. “I’ve only ever seen one such skeleton, on display at the Equestrian Natural History Museum in Canterlot. To find one in the wild, so well preserved…”
“Hold it!” I shouted, stopping him in his tracks. “Don’t just wander forward blindly! Can’t you smell that?”
While I didn’t have a traditional sense of smell, the Adjutant was warning me about toxic concentrations of hydrogen sulfide gas in the air. I knew from past chemistry labs that it smelled like rotten eggs, though, and when Rubeo caught a whiff, he backed right up. The others followed his lead.
Satisfied that they weren’t going to charge headlong into danger, I rolled down the slope. I took the opportunity to absorb more moisture, allowing me to both loosen up my cultures and sample the minerals and bacteria in the pools at the same time. It confirmed my suspicions that, should they fall into one, if the heat didn’t kill them out of shock, the acids and microbial life eventually would. Aside from that, there was a thick concentration of hydrogen sulfide up to a foot from the surface level of the water. Having regained some of my hydration, the Adjutant helped me shift back into my pony form and I tested the floor with my hooves. It was certainly slippery, but not unmanageable.
“It’s safe enough to follow,” I called back, “so long as you don’t step in the water and don’t let your head fall below your barrel. Otherwise, you’ll catch a bad case of death by toxic gas.”
After a moment of internal debate, Rubeo and Starlight decided to follow while Night Glider stayed back with Rara. Holding their heads very high, they walked gingerly across the slick floor, following me as I traced a path to the center. I heard Starlight gasp and the sound of hooves skittering across slick rock, but by the time I whipped around, she had regained her footing.
“You okay?”
“Yep. Fine.”
“Because I can carry you if you wan-”
“No, no, it’s fine. I can do this.”
I waited for her to meet my gaze before speaking.
“You can do this.”
Her stance relaxed a hair, then she nodded, taking courage from my reassurance. Thankfully, she had no more close calls. Less than a minute later, we reached the mound in the center. As they quickly and purposefully strode up and out of the basin, I chuckled.
“See? Told ya.”
She hip-checked me playfully, her dismissive scoff not quite hiding the relief she felt. But it was all quickly superseded by the wonderment that radiated from the massive skeleton. Rubeo was already beside it, examining it and muttering to himself. He tapped it with a hoof, tried something with magic, then started wandering around it, taking the whole thing in. Meanwhile, Starlight and I went straight for the real mystery: what the dead dragon had been protecting.
The skeleton was curled up around the apex of the mound, and what we found there put the skeleton’s location into perspective. In a small divot of the heated rock, we found eggs, and what remained of them. Eggshells as thick as ceramic bowls littered the nest in all manner of states, including one that was still whole, but what I found most curious was that some didn’t match. The thick eggshells were in all manner of colors, but there were also white eggshells that were only about as thick as a fingernail and leathery to the touch.
And they felt fresh.
“Hey, Eric, there’s a bunch of whole eggs over here! Funny though, they’re all the same color.”
There is one thing I enjoy about not having blood: it can’t ice over. Though it certainly would have, at Starlight’s exclamation. I looked over and saw her standing next to a clutch of eggs, all the same, oblong white shape as the leathery shell fragments.
“Aw crap.”
As if on cue, there was a massive whisper of sound from one of the adjoining tunnels, as if someone were dragging a thousand leather bags across the ground. I turned to see what fresh horror was being visited upon us and was only slightly disappointed. A massive red snake with purple frills and a head shaped like an alligator’s slithered into the cavern, hissing and tasting the air. Starlight gasped and then groaned.
“Oh, come on. A Quarray Eel? What else could possibly go wrong today?”
“Nope!” I shouted.
“What?” She asked, surprised.
“I am mentally blocking out those words. I refuse to be jinxed,” I explained before strolling forward. “I am so done with today. Wait there, I’ll only be a minute.”
Adjutant, crank up the heat. I want to be the only thing the big girl is focusing on.
Fun fact: even though they’re called ‘Quarray Eels,’ they are closer on the evolutionary ladder to pythons. After all, they don’t live underwater, they have scales, and they salivate. A fact I was about to get intimately familiar with.
“Alright, momma,” I yelled, more for the ponies’ benefits than the snake’s, “we’ve had a bad day, and I know you aren’t going to take us intruding on your nest lying down. So, let’s just get this o-”
She didn’t give me the chance to finish my sentence. In a flash, my world became dark, cool, and slimy. I winced as I felt the snake’s teeth puncture my gelatinous body, but there was no pain, as there were no nerves to damage. Still, it was an odd sensation. I barely caught the gasps of the ponies I was protecting. I gritted my teeth.
Ignoring the muffled shouting outside, I concentrated, putting slight pressure on the inside of the snake’s mouth. I waited, feeling for the moment that the firmness of bone gave way to the meat of the throat. As soon as it did, I thrust a spike of hardened goo upward, through her throat, and into the spot where her spine met her skull. A quick twirl and I withdrew. I grimaced at the deluge of blood and grey matter that spilled onto me and absorbed everything I could. The last twitches of life shuddered through the snake as I oozed back out of her mouth. On my way out, I left a few deposits of myself and ordered the Adjutant to start dissolving her from the inside out for self-replication and resources.
As I slipped through the jaws of the stilled snake, I felt like a piece of myself was left behind. Yes, I know I just said I left deposits, but I meant in a metaphorical sense. A part of me knew I had acted out of necessity. Animals can’t be reasoned with, especially not mothers near the nest. I had to protect my people from danger.
So why did I feel like such shit?
“Hey Starlight? These aren’t an endangered species are they?”
“Eric! You’re alrigh-! Wait, what?”
“Quarray Eels! Are they endangered?”
“In danger of what?” She asked, incredulity seeping into her words.
“You know, extinction?”
“What? No! At least, I don’t think so. Preceptor?”
“Hardly,” Rubeo scoffed, “we’ve been trying to get rid of the Ghastly Gorge infestation for years.”
I sighed.
“Yeah, for some reason that doesn’t fill me with much confidence. Still, what’s done is done,” I muttered half-heartedly and quickly rolled back up to the center of the mound. “Alright, here’s the deal. I would like to spend some time collecting minerals and the like down here. I’m fairly certain the rest of you need a break and something to eat, am I right?”
They nodded, trying to keep the relief from their faces.
“Right. How much food do we have?”
“Not much,” Night Glider piped up from the side of the cavern. “We did some scavenging along the way, but it won’t last us more than a day.”
I thought about it for a moment, then nodded.
“In that case, here’s what we’ll do. I’ll set up a temporary shelter, try to keep the fumes and any other nasty surprises off you guys. You can rest, eat, sleep, do whatever you need to do for the next twelve hours. I’ll be doing a few things. First, I’ll be absorbing the natural resources around here, including as much of the toxic gas as I can filter out. Second, I’ll resume work on Rara’s eyes. Hopefully, I’ll be done by the time we reach the surface. On that note, thirdly, I’ll also go scout out the cavern system ahead and try to find the safest path to the surface. Sound good?”
“After that, what then?” Rubeo asked, only a slight amount of challenge in his tone.
“After, we make our way to the surface and reevaluate. If possible, I hope to be able to restock in town, perhaps find you some disguises. If not we’ll have to figure it out from there. This is a situation where our plans need to be vague, adaptable. Otherwise, the enemy is liable to drive us into a corner, like this one almost became. For the most part, I think we should travel by night, but I don’t want to make any inflexible plans.”
“Fair enough, I suppose.”
“Any other questions?”
They all shook their heads, weary and grateful for a break.
“Okely-dokely, neighborinos. Let’s get you set up.”
Against the wall directly across the chamber from the Quarray Eel’s corpse, I blew a bubble out of my goo and solidified it, creating a smooth-floored shelter. I furnished it with Smooze-foam throw pillows, then sealed the entrance behind them, leaving the seal translucent and semi-permeable so they could both see outside and received air filtered through the seal. I let them get settled, then left a material stockpile for the goo fixing Rara’s eyes. That done, I decided to do another tour around the cavern.
As I reached the opposite end, I stopped at the Eel’s corpse and a wave of regret washed over me. My rational brain told me it couldn’t have been helped, and that I had bigger problems to worry about, but the emotional part still reminded me that I had killed a mother and orphaned her children. But what frustrated me more than anything was that I couldn’t even feel any of the physical tells of sadness. The guilt weighed heavy on my mind, but there was no catharsis. I had to live with it.
“I’ll leave your eggs alone, at least,” I whispered to her body. “Sorry. It’s not much of a consolation, I know, but it’s all I can offer. I promise your sacrifice will go towards making this world a safer place for all creatures, your children included.”
I looked away, trying unsuccessfully to put it out of my mind. Instead, I tried to focus on the Adjutant and what was needed for the task of extracting resources. So much material, so little time.
Alright, Adjutant. What do you need to start gathering?
After a few moments of rapid calculation, the Adjutant replied.
<<Taking into consideration that you wish to scout while the process occurs, I would advise that the most efficient deployment would be to reserve 75% of your mass for mineral collection, 24.99% for the organics, and the remaining 0.01% for scouting. The mineral collectors will focus on the veins of ore and the crystalline structures, while the organic gatherers will pull from the pools, bacteria mats, fungi, and the dragon bones and eggshells. Do you agree with this assessment?>>
How much is 0.01% of our mass? I asked, only slightly incredulous.
<<0.01% will give you a body approximately 40 centimeters in diameter.>>
A little over a foot, then.
Alright, go ahead.
I watched as a platoon of grapefruit-sized slimes separated themselves from my mass and began to hoover their way around the cavern, and felt it as they began to fizz and hiss, dissolving.
Now, I wonder if any of you can understand how bewildering it is to feel sensations from something else’s “body.” True, they were technically just another part of me, but I was still having difficulty reconciling the fact that I could simultaneously exist in more than one place at a time. Some of the more powerful unicorns might understand what I’m talking about; temporary cloning and clairsentience spells feel similar. For the rest of you, the best way to describe it through the sensation of touch. It’s like your limbs have been cut off, but you can still feel them, and there’s the barest phantom of sensation in the spaces between. It’ s almost a faint, dull ache; like you know there should be something there, but you can’t feel it unless you’re straining your awareness of your own body.
Even so, the feeling of “eating” all that raw material set my mind abuzz with euphoria, like a vibrator massage and fizzy rock candy all rolled into one. I was almost tempted to hang around and “supervise,” just to bear witness to the absurd amount of raw material that the Adjutant was reporting, but I knew better. Time was precious and the Adjutant had things covered here. I had other paths to take.
Before I could take them, however, I felt a knock on the inside of the shelter and heard Starlight ask for me.
“Hey, Eric, could I talk to you?”
“I’m about to head out for scouting, can it wait?” I answered, cannibalizing part of the floor to make a miniature mouth inside the shelter.
“Yes, well… would you mind if I joined you?”
I hesitated for a moment, almost certain I didn’t want to have whatever conversation she was planning. However it might also be best to have it in private. Before I could lapse into an awkward silence, though, I forced myself to wave her over, opening a hole in the permeable barrier for her to follow. With a small smile, she galloped over and lay down next to me, while I sealed the hole behind her.
“You’re small enough now, I could give you a ride,” she offered. “If you want, that is.”
True, I was about the size of a basketball, but I was fairly certain she was putting on a brave face. Exhaustion is nothing to sneeze at, and we’d had enough excitement for several lifetimes in the past few days.
“I appreciate it, Starlight, but don’t strain yourself. You need rest just as much as the others. If I can’t dissuade you from joining me, let’s at least make sure you don’t drop from exhaustion. Come on, let’s go find a way out of here.”
For once, the trip was uneventful. Starlight’s horn-light illuminated a much greater area than I could have on my own, making dangers clear from the start. It wasn’t nearly a leisurely jaunt through the park, but it came as close to one as either of us had in the past week. So leisurely, that it failed to distract Starlight from the questions I was hoping she wouldn’t ask.
“Hey, Eric?” She inquired, approximately fifteen minutes after we left the cavern.
Ever eloquent, I replied, “Hm?”
“What happened while I was unconscious?”
“Didn’t the others fill you in before we were so unceremoniously chucked off a cliff?”
“They did, but I was hoping to hear your version of things.”
I grunted noncommittally.
“Well, you got stabbed, I freaked out, tore off Ruby Drops’ tail, then grabbed everyone up and escaped into the woods. I started fixing you up, we ran into some wild beasties that night, I drove them off, and you woke up the next day. Not much else.”
“Right, that makes sense. I just… there’s no real delicate way to ask this, but…”
It was the second sentence that alerted me to the fact that I was, unequivocally, fucked.
“Who’s Emma?”
Rarity felt sick. She might have thrown up if she hadn’t already done so twice that day. Being in Gold Standard’s presence had that effect on her. Not like she had much of a choice in the matter.
The Master owned her.
Although, thinking about it, she had had a choice. All she would have had to do was let Gold Standard take her sister, young and vulnerable, into his grimy clutches. Let her bear the burden of their family’s debt to the repugnant alicorn.
Rarity shivered and shouldered the bolt of fabric into a better position, the straps of her absolutely indecent—bordering on pornographic—“uniform” digging into her shoulder blades. She and Sweetie Belle fought, but they were only small squabbles between siblings. She would never wish her current position on her greatest enemy, let alone her only sister.
Serving as the personal clothier for Gold Standard was only tolerable because she knew she was keeping her sister safe. The fat alicorn may be many things, but he would not renege on his deals. Usually, that was because all the deals were vastly in his favor, but Rarity supposed she was one of the lucky few. She had scoured every inch of the contract she eventually signed and found nothing that could be considered even remotely duplicitous. The entire thing was worded quite plainly and with no flowery embellishments meant to distract from the document’s real intent.
She was Gold Standard’s slave for life.
There was even a clause that, in the event of her death, her family would be absolved of debt. Of course, if she took her own life or tried to stage an accident, the clause would be nullified, and even if she did die naturally, there was no guarantee Gold wouldn’t try to ensnare her family again, but that was a gamble Rarity was willing to take. At least for now, he seemed more interested in keeping her alive than killing her.
As she magicked the door to her workroom open, she tried not to let the smell coming from Gold Standard’s lavish bedroom affect her, to no avail. The stench of stale sweat masked with heavy applications of perfume made her bile rise in her throat. She was glad that being his seamstress didn’t mean she was required to do his laundry as well; she would have had to burn out her nostrils if that were the case. Especially after…
She shook herself, trying to force the images of his bedroom out of her mind. The less she thought about it, the better.
Rarity had barely set hoof in the sanctuary of her workshop when she received a message.
“Rarity, my dear,” the disembodied voice of Gold Standard whispered in her ear, “would you kindly meet me in my chambers? There are a few matters we must… discuss.”
She could feel the blood draining from her face as a cold shudder simultaneously ran up her spine. Perhaps it wouldn’t be what she was expecting. Perhaps he just wanted to talk. And perhaps all the Masters would spontaneously combust, leaving behind nothing but wisps of ash.
It was unrealistic, but she could still hope, damn it!
With a shaky sigh, she set the bolt of fabric into one of the workroom’s many racks, making a mental note to organize it later. The sooner she got this over with, the sooner she could go cry into the toilet for a few hours. If she was lucky, her brain would provide her with an out-of-body experience, and then she’d just be left to deal with the aftermath. That was about the only preferable option.
Slowly, all too aware of the provocative cut of her “dress”, Rarity shuffled up to the door to Gold Standard’s chambers, only to hear voices coming from within. Morbid curiosity overcoming her trepidation, she gently opened the door and snuck inside.
Gold Standard was there, of course, sitting upright in his bed and covering himself with his sheets, looking thoroughly displeased.
“Must it be now, Argent? This isn’t really a good-”
“Gold!” The voice of Argent Light, King of Equestria, bellowed from the massive vanity mirror across from the bed. Rarity could just barely make out the shape of his muzzle in the reflection. “This is the Smooze we are talking about. Your dalliances can wait until after we’ve dealt with the threat. Right now, we need information.”
Gold’s voluminous cheeks puffed out, then released the sigh he no longer felt like restraining.
“Yes, I suppose… Very well. Now, where did I…?”
Gold’s eyes scanned the room, lingering on the vanity drawers, until they fell upon Rarity. A moment’s surprise turned into consternation, masked poorly by his revolting attempt at a sultry grin.
“Ah, yes. Rarity, be a doll and grab my divining kit from the closet, would you? It’s in the rattan bag tucked in the left corner.”
“Rarity?” Argent questioned. “Your… seamstress is here? Are you certain that’s wise?”
Gold’s grin split into a smile, half placating and half predatory. “No worries, Argent. She knows better than to run her mouth about what happens behind closed doors, don’t you dear?”
Rarity shuddered and made her way towards the vanity, though the relief she felt at having been interrupted before they even began made her head swim. “O- Of course, Master.”
“Mmm, good girl.”
Rarity reflexively hid the wince she felt in her soul, plastering a vapid smile over her emotions. This wasn’t so bad. She could do this. Something might even happen to distract Gold from his previous… plans. A thrill of hope dared to bud in her heart.
The large, woven bag sat exactly where Gold had said it would be, beneath an avalanche of expensive clothing and cosmetics. Rarity levitated it out and over to the huge mound of an alicorn. He smiled a sweet smile at her and took it with his magic, easily overpowering her own. The latch opened with a snap, and Gold reverentially lifted out an ornate, miniature weaving loom and its tools. Several spools of golden thread, string, and yarn trailed after fluttering in the air like streamers.
Gold took the loom in both hooves and settled it in his lap, clearing his throat with a great harrumph.
“Now then, let’s see what the future holds, shall we?”
Despite herself, Rarity felt curiosity and even a bit of wonder overtake her. Magic of all kinds was strictly controlled by the Equestrian government. She only knew the one levitation spell because her family had called in its few connections to get her a better than average education. Seeing someone as influential as one of the Masters, even one as appalling as Gold Standard, cast a high-level spell was a sight only a privileged few ever got in their lifetime.
Gold’s eyelids drifted shut and he started to hum in a deep monotone. His stubby, yellow horn gradually illuminated until it shone like a star. The same brilliant golden light enveloped the golden threads, and he began to weave, eyes still closed. The strings flew through the air, looping and intertwining in a serpentine dance to an unheard beat. Rarity stared, transfixed by the glittering pattern of the golden cloth. After a criminally short time, the cloth was finished, tied up, and suspended before Gold Standard’s sweaty face.
His eyes fluttered open and he took a deep, gasping breath. Panting heavily, he briefly studied his creation. Then he scoffed and proceeded to mop up his sweat with the priceless tapestry.
“I swear, it gets worse every time I-”
“Gold! The reading?”
“Yes, yes. All is well. It seems we should all gather in Dodge Junction in two days. We’ll have no trouble subduing the Smooze as long as we are all there. Really, Argent, you worry too much.”
Argent Light hummed contemplatively.
“Perhaps, but this proves my suspicion that it escaped death in Ghastly Gorge. It would be prudent not to take anything for granted. Still, this certainly lifts a weight off my shoulders. Thank you, Gold. I will see you at Dodge Junction in two days.”
Gold Standard hefted a grand, put-upon sigh. “Of course, Argent. Wouldn’t miss it for all the gold in the world.”
Argent chuckled. “Somehow, I doubt that.”
The scrying spell disconnected, leaving Gold Standard to give the stink eye only to his reflection. He huffed irritably.
“Never even a simple goodbye. I swear, sometimes I think that stallion enjoys leaving us in the lurch.”
Gold Standard gave a long-suffering sigh.
“Oh well, at least I have a couple days’ notice. Now then, Rarity my dear, where were we?”
Rarity’s breath caught in her throat.
“S- sire, shouldn’t we begin preparing for your trip? Dodge Junction is at least two days from Baltimare by train.”
“Nonsense, we’ll be taking my riverboat. Besides, I always have time for a nice… heart-to-heart.”
At the sound of the door locking behind her, Rarity couldn’t contain her despairing shivers. Unfortunately, that only seemed to excite Gold Standard more.
Thank you everybody for sticking with me for this long. Work has been really draining this past year. I wish I had more motivation to write, but most days I come home and just flop down in from of the game station and veg out for the four or five hours I have before bedtime. That's not to say I'm giving up on ponyfics. I just can't promise I'll be as prolific as some others. Anyways, I hope you enjoyed this one, and I'll try my best to get the next one out before another six months passes. 
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Some alicorn, a minor divination exhausted him? One suspects that a good part of their reputation stems from a simple lack of competition.
Woot! Another update to this great story!
10390271
There's also the fact that he's grossly obese.
I haven’t even read it yet. But...
YESSS!!! Ahahaha, another update! MWAHAHAHAHA!!! Rejoice heathens, for thine salvation is at hand. We have been blessed with a glorious new chapter in this most glorious of stories.
Ahem. With that out of my system, it is time to proceed with the reading.
10390308
Would obesity have an appreciable impact on ones ability to do magic?
10390383
I think so. As far as I'm concerned, casting magic requires stamina. After all, Twilight strains herself quite a few times casting spells in the show. While she does so casting larger spells, she's also much more physically fit than Gold Standard.
Disgust.
10390415
also explain why celestia was so useless all that cakes she consuming on a daily basis
interesting to see what twist of fate will work against theses alicorns future prediction
Hey, welcome back! Been missing this story.
If he can perform reconstructive surgery on eyes, he can probably manage simpler cosmetic changes, right?
They could all take a dip in Eric and get their coats bleached, or even restyled and recoloured.
Heck, given the incredible precision and detail his nanogolems are capable of, it wouldn't surprise me if he could adjust their height and weight.
Glad to see an update, my good sir. I had thought that thou might've had given up on thigh aspirations to this editorial work. It greatly lifts upon mine soul to know thine hand still has the ink flow through thine own parchment and impress upon it the meaning of pure story.
Finally...
At least u are not dead
its here
And to think i almost forgot how horrendous things are in this Equestria. Anyway implied rape aside maybe Eric can finally start manufacturing some weapons or armor. I think he could probably make a flint lock, boom-stick, and grenades. Sulfur is a key ingredient to explosives after all. I hope he eats the dragon bones and gets some magic resistance or makes armor with them.
My God. Poor rarity.
AWESOME chapter bro! Just glad to not see this story dead. Xd
I'm at the scene where find out about Fluttershy.
10390415
You have managed to make a character that I hate on a primal level. You have managed to make a character that is the antithesis of a intitle Rich arrogant women. the level of comedic karma punishment I wish to see upon this character it's insurmountable. I will not describe in any detail few the horrible fate I'd have dreamt up for her in fear of being banned upon this website.
I am enjoying this however seeing two Xmas remakes in your AN so close together dose not feel me with confidence in how quickly this is updated. However I do understand and I hope to see more soon!
10392117
Reckon what alicorn meat taste like. Right now all I can think about is deep frying Golden Butterball in molten gold. Like the end of ninja scroll the anime OVA.
I got it the perfect comedic Death for him. Being deep fry in a vat of molten gold, then being served at giant platter with a side of coleslaw and some lemon wedges.
(Edit)
10392515
Why yes I do agree. I would also suggest a side of potato wedges dipped in a classic "Ruby" red meat sauce. Cause ketchup isn't made from the blood of thine enemies. Could use a horn to make a kabob actually...
10392727
Let's not forget about the Minotaur steak gravy upon earth pony "the Masters" potatoes.
10392515
Lol.
10393018
Know what, call up the orcs of mordor. Meat is back on the menu. I'll get the kitchenware and the big soup pot.
Forget the soup pot, we're going to need "the Black cauldron" an bonfire, to hold this Lard-Ass.
I know one thing for sure, everybody in Mordor going to be eating good tonight.
vignette.wikia.nocookie.net/disney/images/d/dd/The-Black-Cauldron.png/revision/latest?cb=20140308155556
10391980
He could also bring it back to life (control it as a necromantic-looking puppet)
10393244
Oooohhh, Oh, OH! Wonderful! Though I'll drop a line to the Ork, Grom, to see if he'll lend me his cauldron. Madlad makes a meal for entire armies with the thing.
Go ahead and see if you can get some fire from Olympus so we have something that can burn long and hot enough to cook that absolute hog. Some drinks from Dionysus would be a wonderful addition to the meals as well.
10393509
Well the gods of Olympus do owe me a couple of favors, I'm more than likely can get some Olympian fire and some drinks from Dionysus. Just be prepared, dionysius comes with his drinks. One could say it's a package deal. the fire of Olympian never stops burning but it needs something to burn to get hot. The more potent material, the more dense the fire will become the greater the flames will the feast.
However I'm going to need some water from the Acheron the river of pain. Also I'm going to need some wood from blackthorn the senator tree of the dark side, from the Celtic lands.
I might be able to get some forbidde fruits from the garden of Eden themselves. You think it's possible you could find the cornucopia of plenty? We're going to need a lot of forsaken vegetables.
10394168
"Horn of Plenty" I haven't seen one since a certain dispute with Zeus last time I tried to go and visit Hephaestus (I can't show my face anywhere in Greece without an actual hurricane showing up). I think I know a group of Pagans that make some as offerings. And of course Dionysus can come, literally zero reason not to. As for some fuel for the flame of the gods.... I keep a supply of mythril for making artifacts. Will the flames will take to it is another question entirely but if it does I suspect it'll last awhile. Otherwise I can just work a deal between the Dwarves and a good alchemy guild to get us some refined coal.
As for the other materials... again, love Dwarves, hire out some of their workforce and I'll see if I have some spare transports that'll let you carry all of that. A vast majority of said transports have at least one autocannon mounted to them somewhere, so unless you're butting heads with something immensely annoying in those locations I doubt you'll have any trouble.
10394866
If I knew you had contact with a dwarves, you could have just told them about magical Olympian fire and they would have ran over here with giant slabs of diamonds to use as fuel. but then again if the dwarves get involved and find out about the the fire. we're seriously going to need someone very strong and very dangerous to keep the peace between the dwarfs and the orcs. I really do not feel like dropping another meteor right on a planet again. The fallout and the terraforming afterwards the fix the area is a headache and a half.
I did design a beautiful Gothic dress for Persephone and help gather most of the material need to make the dress. Killing a powerful monster to harvest its bones and fur was easy. Getting some webbing from Anansi was the time in a half. He wanted a lot more new stories to entertain himself. so all i could think to do was to introduced him to tabletop RPGs. Now he's trying to claim the domain of gaming, well maybe just traditional tabletop games and pad and pencil RPGs. Yes he does have a group on Wednesday.
Anyway I could probably burn a favor and get Hades and Persephone to smooth things over with Zeus. but that just means I have to walk my ass all the way down to the underworld to pick up some water. The last time I went down there the furies were constantly hitting on me to take them as my own. I've gotten word through the grapevine that they're getting desperate. I have no knowledge of why or what they're desperate about, all I know is the next time I go down there I might not be able to come back out or I might actually end up with three wives. If it comes down to that I might end up having to manage a bargaining deal with them. I never thought of just being simply polite and kind would cause me so much trouble.
Anyway, why is Zeus pissed at you for,cock blocking him by standing on a piece of fertile ground?
I'm very curious between what will the dwarves think about Dionysus wine. Now I'm just wondering if Dionysus can get drunk off of dwarven ale.
I've always heard that dwarven ale it's very delicious but it's so strong is considered as an explosive.
10395351
I may or may not have used one of Zeus' robes to clean the grime off one of my forge hammers. It devolved into a shouting match and inevitably I compared him to Chronos when Prometheus' punishment came up... Needless to say I lost a leg that day and got pretty beat up jumping off the mountain and broke a lot of devices during that escapade. I still itch from that first bolt.
I fully intend to keep the Orcs and Dwarves as far apart from each other as possible during this. Hopefully they never see each other and if they do I'll be breaking open one of my old warehouses to supply enough grog to give both factions a collective hangover that will give me at least 7 hours to shovel them back home. Yes I realize this is going to be like dumping a pound of potassium into a lake and praying for it not to explode but I have very little intention to have either of them even visit a place the other has already been to.
I... MIGHT, be able to solve the issue with the furies... 7th avenue, any 7th avenue, go behind the Denny's. A man named Mead will be waiting. Take whatever he gives you, listen to what he says, you'll never see him again don't worry about returning anything. And whatever happens, do not speak it to a single soul, not even the flies.
Poor Rarity
Great job once again! I always get excited when I see an update for this story! Don't worry about the update time. As much as we'd love more content, you're writing this amazing story for us for free, take all the time you need!
Side note, I reread the story before this chapter, and something caught my attention that sparked a little theory. I noticed that Brother Odd pray's to God, claimed that God had no power "here", has his inquisitors dress in Nun's outfits, and when he was talking to Ruby Drops, she made a joke about him molesting foals. The religious iconography could just be a coincidence, but taken with that joke, it seems like Odd has(had) a connection to (or at least is taking inspiration from) the actual church on earth, and Ruby Drops had enough contextual knowledge to make that joke. That could potentially mean that the Masters have some sort of connection to humanity? Maybe, could be something.
Anyways, thanks again, stay safe, and keep up the great work!!!!!
10403828
10405277
The dude is right about that. Lately I’ve notice some very odd human related stuff around these villains which makes me wonder... I have a theory... a good one... These villains are humans like our little Smooze
I think Discord knew that the only way to beat these monsters is using the same monster against them.
I do want to say... God will have the last laugh when Smooze has a feast with these villains if they don’t repent and be good little ponies
Oh yea, the one thing we our so looking forward to... Ruby Steaks 🥩
Plus that fat turkey 🦃 sure sounds awful to taste... He needs to work out a bit
10395502
I have some good news some weird news and some odd news. Sorry it's been awhile, riding back down the underworld has this weird time dilation thing. (
in all honesty I bit the bullet and propose with the gift and I was apparently both simultaneously constantly drain of fluids and had all my strength and stamina constantly replenished. There's a new area in the underworld where all the slobs and filthy people are stuck there eternally cleaning up a perpetual love stain) The good news is you're kind of off the hook with Zeus but Zeus's is on 'probation'. Apparently all I had to do is mention that I saw him in the red light district an Hera threatened to cut off his junk. She did not just threaten to cut it off, she threatened to cut it off and keep it with her at for the rest of this eternity, or at least until she gets pregnant.The other news is apparently I'm getting married. I want to thank you so much for your 'help'. The furies absolutely love their gifts. I have never seen battle jewelry before. The ones I got seem pretty special and it seems I gave them to the right ladies. It is almost as if they were made for them. Anyway I kind of let it slip out what own plans were apparently, the furies, Persephone, Hades and Thanos (the furies brother) once to get on this and make it into a full-on shindig wedding party cookout. I'm going to need you as my best man. No seriously I need you as my best man. I hate really don't have that many friends since I kind of drift in and out of time and space and dimensions. It comes with my job being a boundless bounty Hunter.
Tell the Dwarfs that we're going to need the biggest pots and pans that they can forge. One of my bosses Artemis an Persephone's mother Demeter wants to come along too. a couple dozen of other very cosmic influence forces want to tag along and help 'add something to the pot'. in all honesty I think they all have something they just want to get rid of completely. A monster here, a mistake there. apparently there's going to be a couple of fire Giants shelf that's going to want to try a few ancient recipes for alicorns.
10413982
I'm already checking off pots and pans. some weird pink... "thing" came by and offered to sell some kitchenware, some being a 30 mile long caravan of camels being lead by some man calling himself Crazy Hassan. One of the damn things had a pot big enough to fit a rather obese giant in on its back.
I... I'll be there. Do note I will probably be responsible for any machine related accidents during the event. I hold command over a company of cybernetic soldiers and priests and they for love of giving a crap refuse to keep their hands off anything more complex than a toaster. I do apologize but in turn I will insure that we have flame-thrower grilled stakes.
Not much I can say about Zeus except I hope he tries something so he can get his junk pecked by an aggressive seagull every day for the rest of his immortal existence.
Also, I got the Cauldron from Grom. (He doesn't actually know it, I made food for an entire war party for about a month they are all comatose from the food.) That thing takes whole dragons and lets you deep fry them. I'm already studying it, replicating, and taking in the pink "thing's" kitchen supplies. Big logistical nightmare but it shall be done.
10415429
I have a bunch of a mechanical stuff that I don't understand whatsoever that I'm probably most likely going to unload on you. I have a cube or five that just keeps pinging each other. Each one's a different color, I start calling them the power ranger cubes. One night I swear to the Gods it sound like they were trying to start a rock band based off the mighty Morphin power rangers theme song. Anyway you want to pick them up with a slew of other junk that I picked up from my bounties contracts. You can have them ,they're just taking up space and cluttering up my living area. And all serious I have a bunch of weird crap I need to get rid of. I have a clock in the shape of a 10 feet copper cube that is nothing but gears and cogs and a glowing blue diamond egg in the center. All I know is that it's has arcana properties, it self winding and it only tells the time when you look at it. And when I say it tells you the time it verbally tells you the time. And it's starting to make other clockwork devices that I just don't understand.
While we're sharing backstory.
Apparently I'm a interdimensional Hunter. apparently I do anything that a rogue, a ranger, an assassin is needed for. Which some mile weapon crafting an agriculture advising on the side. so you probably might have heard of me as that guy constantly takes all the jobs nobody really wants to take. I do have a few domain patrons (they like to be called that instead of teachers/employers) with Artemis and Demeter. I have a feeling that I will be 'signing myself up' with the rulers of the underworld of Hades and Persephone. so that means I might be able to repay you with a once in a lifetime 1UP. but don't hold me up to it. Do you know Hephaestus? I've been trying to get him to teach me a thing or two about weapon crafting for the longest time. You seem like the guy that would have been drinking buddies with?
Update about Zeus, I gave Hera the idea of an STD just for him. That the next time he cheats he will literally have crotch rash so bad that he will rip off his own genitalia and hurled them through space just to get some form of relief before they grow back next day. and the only way that it will stop if he only had sex with his wife.
Apparently the shindig has been planned to happen in 2 months. It'll give me enough time to complete a few more contracts I've been meaning to do and hunt down some delicious looking monsters to bring to the party. In the meanwhile all the ladies are doing the whole wedding charade. If you have any people you believe will be good company let me know so I can add them to the invite valid. Anyway on some of my free time I'm thinking of floating around in space and try to find some primal worlds (in their Era of dinosaurs) to try and find some big games to bring to the wedding. Do you know of any? I'm thinking of getting a couple creatures in the size and plumpness of a Argentinosaurus. but you know out of this, I have to go through the whole rigmarole of seeing if they're edible or not, first. What's the proper age to harvest them. God's knowing where I'm going to store the meat. I'm thinking of just slaying and dressing them and letting the fire Giants butcher them, they should be big enough the handle that much meat. What do you think?
10415868
So I got the cubes. They seem rather similar to the entangled data sync cubes that I made to keep in constant communication with the Alphas that lead the various combat units I'm in charge of. Your cubes have already started talking to my cubes and they are already sharing multiple Power Rangers shows with each other. In close proximity they have a tendency to start playing different instruments making this power rangers theme orchestra. I've already caught the ones in storage singing Operas within about 25 minutes of contact between the two networks. The clock cube is a very nice conversationalist if you know clockwork binary. I've decided to place in on an abandoned outpost on a mars like planet (I have an orbital platform nearby that is still functionally nearby to glass the entire thing I don't trust that cube farther than a toddler can throw it.) so it can have some space to itself.
Any further items we get I'll trade for some exitus rifles or one of my galvanic rifles. I also have quite a few pistols of various patterns, purposes, and types that you might be interested in. I also have bombs, lots and lots of bombs. A vast majority of this stuff I can make in one of my workshops. Though if you want anything that you have to mount to safely fire un-augmented I'll have to make it in one of the more production orientated ships I have permission to access or have command over. Speaking of, my relation with Hephaestus is many things considering the amount of times we've been drunk in the same room and woke up tied together by some individual that actually could and found we had caused multiple deaths involving anything from cursed weapons that screamed slurs in Russian at people to perfect metallic spheres that seemed to show up in the wrong place at the wrong time. I've already counted three times one has lodged itself in a coolant pipe for some reactor and 8 times jammed itself inside of an ftl drive during operation. I still find them getting under the control panel of my factory ship's pilot console. Neither of us know how many actually exist or if they replicate themselves making the entire effort of containing them all futile.
I'm not exactly an expert on wildlife. That job goes to the xenobiologis I talk to. But I did come across a planet. No space fairing civilizations on it. There is a humanity though. They have all kinds of prehistoric looking monsters that they hunt. I saw one about the size of a small mountain. Another look rather like an avocado... The humanity hunting them seem to have a very high culinary standard for the level of technology they used. Made some decent food from the beasts as far as I could tell. Outside of that I don't know much else that would be good for the celebration.
10417156
If I find anything of interest that you might like I'll let you know. I'm thankful for the offer for guns, but I do not like touching them. first time I picked up a gun and try to shoot it the whole thing catastrophically detonated in my hand. The only thing left was the handle that I was holding on to. I should have bought a lottery ticket that day because the only thing that was damaged was everything except me. If you're curious it was a reproduction of an antique revolver. But in all honesty I prefer more bows, spears, javelins anything that can be thrown, hurl or shot. Maybe after the wedding I'll give guns another shot, but right now I don't trust black powder or smokeless powder any form of the pellet that goes boom.
I think I have one of your perfect Spears. It's about the size of a tennis ball or baseball it's this coppery gold color and it has been polished to a perfect shine. funny thing is this one likes they hang out in my pocket. how I found this thing is one day i was walking in the woods that I walked past it and thought it was a marker of some sort. I past it like 5 times before I gave up and took it along with me. In all honestly it just take up one of my pockets. It's never uncomfortable or gets in the way just takes up one of my pockets.
Have you seen anyone who is particular skilled as a druid. That's the only thing that I'm missing in my portfolio. I have ran across a few, but they were a bit to culty for my liking. and on the other side of the spectrum you have the hippies. I don't mean the weed Head zombie hippies. I mean nudist colonist hippies. (Shivers in disgust) okay I'm going to need a drink to get the wrinkles out of my mind now. So many wrinkles.
I know something that you might find to be interesting that I think you might really like BUT you got to be very careful about getting there. As a being whose able to walk between planes I wondered and found something. You know that story on that YouTube channel called grardbeardia beadio. I've been following him and been listening to his Emily bronze story. It got me curious if there was an overlapping plane existence. I think I found one. And there's some very interesting things they're good and Ill. the problem is is getting there without getting stuck there. you know how people say if time and space was water then a black holes is a whirlpool. I once had someone explain to me that a black hole is flat soap bubble (whatever that supposed to mean) in the third dimension, but it's extremely long gated in the fourth dimension. And then it gets bigger going through the 6th 7th and 8th dimensions. What I got out of it is that we are like two dimensional beings trying to look at a three dimensional object. And I have found a realm of intersecting other realms but the problem is that it has a Whirlpool funneling effect. You can go down very easily but you may never come back up. You have any knowledge on anything like this?
for the wedding do you think raptor chickens would be a good selection to bring. I'm on a plane where the chickens look more lizard like. Especially with their little dinosaur like mouths and they're long raptor like tails. They have the same flight capacity as a wild game Chicken. (Can only do it in short bursts and short distances).
I'm loving the story.
Yikes. That's rough.
it's been nine months, when update?
Aaaaa! Don't give up on this story, you can do it! It's really good so far, look forward to more!
i love this it is basically it is better than diaries of a mad man in some areas
Like the stories it is an homage to, it seems to be dying or dead.
Scrolled down to comment and discovered two odd gents role-playing with each other. Didn't expect that.
Really been enjoying the story though. Kinda hoping they'll find a way to get outta Dodge (pun noted and fully intended), and maybe find that castle. Maybe kill one of the Masters dead and shock the world. Would be fun to see.
Dunno what you're going through right now, but I hope things get better for you. You're a pretty good writer and I'd love to see you finish this story. It'll be a slog though, at least toward the middle or third act. That's just how it tends to go. But if you keep going, eventually it'll get better. And you'll have a banger of a story to show for it. That's what makes it worth it.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go sleep, and maybe try not to dream about a Smooze singing the Hallelujah Chorus in perfect harmony, complete with full orchestral accompaniment.
You get no context until the next chapter is posted. =P
I believe this story will return
11293269
nah man, it's been two years since this had any activity and the author makes regular visits to the site but give's no info or indication that it will ever be worked on again. sad as it is this story is as dead as Fentanyl Floyd.
11307191
Even though it’s been 2 years he could always come back when he has the time to be able to upload a new chapter. I do wish he update us since it would be nice to know if he is alright also I won’t really compare a story’s death with someone’s death…
alright... its going in my "Dead Stories" list.
So long dead story, you were great while you lasted.