I'm Flaring Blur, but call me Flare. This is the first part of my whole story, here I narrate how I met Fluttershy.
I moved from Canterlot with my brother and now we both live in Ponyville, it wouldn't be long until I met a mare that threw a party for us, so that we would be "officially welcomed". That day I would meet Fluttershy; from that day on my life changed.
Gather round, I shall tell you how I met Kindness...
Please critique, comment, and rate properly!
(Art by LEAXXX, USED WITH PERMISSION)
Chapters (9)
Ah, there we go! I will read it once I have the time and give you my opinion and some tips. Tip #1, you might want to capitalize "Met" in the title, since it isn't 'of, a, to, and, so, etc...'
920527
I don't quite understand, but well, in the end you know more than me.
This seems like a pretty interesting story! I'll put this on my "to read" list.
925777
I hope you like it once you get to read it, and when you do feel free to tell me what's wrong, so I don't do it again next time.
I'm sorry Flare, but this needs MAJOR proofreading. This is your first fic, I understand, but is there somehow I can take all of this and correct it? The dialogue is not proper English, the self thoughts are hard to understand and the "He/she said" parts don't flow correctly. (Sorry if I seem a little mean, constructive critique does usually come out like that)
936941
Urgh, call me psyquic, but I had the feeling that it wasn't very well written.
Let me explain, I'm from Argentina, and despite my knowledge of English, narrating is not pretty much my thing.
The dialogue, you are right too; the "he/she said" parts don't flow correctly, but the truth is: I don't even know how they have to.
Self thoughts, I kinda expected that too. See, I wanted to somethiong something like ROBCakeran53 did with "My Little Dashie" (for instance, whenever he said that the character's heart exploded twice). But it seems they weren't too good in the end...
I love the idea for you to correct the fanfic, thanks.
Alright. Something right off the bat that's wrong.
You smash all of the quotes together; you're supposed to space them out and make it like an actual narrative, like this:
"Ponyville looks like a nice place," I noted, "It's quiet and friendly. Canterlot is normally noisy, and we've always hated noise." I had really suggested that place because a friend of mine knows it: she has parents there. I could easily take advantage of the village's quiet for concentration.
"Yeah, yeah, I know about your work." My father replied blatantly.
Unsure about his answer, I kept prodding. "So...?"
"So I think there is no point to insist, after all I have to support your decisions." He leaned back and smiled a bit. I was surprised at how well he took my decision, knowing his usually protective demeanor.
"Dad, if you really don't want us to do this it's fine..." my brother stated. I really had no idea if he actually was okay with Dad refuting our decision in the end.
"No, I know that, but there isn’t anything better in a father’s life than the happiness of his sons, so, if you really want, you have my full support." I don't recall ever being happier than I was then. For once, my Dad had supported one of our decisions that we had made on our own, and it was easily one of the biggest decisions we could ever actually make.
"Thanks Dad," I beamed, "we'll be fine, we promise."
My father got up before saying "I know son, I know you will," and walked away.
Something more like that. This seems more like a screenplay at the moment, I'll wait until you fix that before continuing with reading this story. I don't recall ever disliking a Fluttershy fic, so don't take my words harshly. You have great dialogue so far, so I'm looking forward to see how well you do narrative too.
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I wanna point something, that is the prologue, it is supposed to be only dialogue there.
There is no space because there shouldn't exist (think of it as some vague memory; if you read Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Askaban chapter 21 maybe you understand it more).
I changed the dialogues with italic, bold and normal to differentiate the person who says it...
Ugh...Um, I'm really sorry, but the structural errors in the sentences are becoming downright distracting. I think you should really find somepony to proofread your fics. You know...if that's okay with you...
Same as last chapter...
Okay,I think it was a little better this time. Woohoo.
I'm sure that with more practice, your fics will start to flow more naturally. Despite the punctuational and grammatical problems, I rather enjoyed it.
for Fluttershy!!!
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Thanks for the comments man (or girl)! I already released some other fanfics, I'd like if you (have the time) can critique them too. I have someone proofreading this one, and he (or she) will do it with the others.
I think I have gotten better with writing, but I'd like if you see it for yourself!
(PS: I have some grammatical and punctuational problems because English it's my second language. I'm Spanish, just so you know, hehehe)
1286381
DESPITE the fact that my OC is a mare, I am actually a male (NOT gay...It just worked for me),kk? Secondly, I totally respect the difficulties of trying to work with a second language; If I had to write a fic in Spanish entirely, I'd probably only get about 1/20 words right, so I'm sympathetic. Also, I'm definitely going to read and comment on your other works! Keep it up!
P.S.-Oh, and have a 'stache.