- Member Since 2nd Jul, 2017
- offline last seen Sep 20th, 2023
Clopficsinthecomments
I want nothing more than to bring a smile to your face with a light-hearted clopfic! If you want to bring a smile to mine, leave a comment!
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Caught it on the upload and I must say, I'm impressed so far. It was a great first chapter, and I do believe our villains are firmly established. Looking forward to seeing where you take this.
Thanks bud! Means a lot that you like the opening salvo, it's been fun to write this far, especially the villains! I can't wait to do some of the later chapters where I'll get to play in the scenario you built!
there's a very very tiny part of me that's upset that the description promised me a laundry list for the hottest clopfic i've ever read, but then all eight thousand words so far are basically an entirely different fic; but the rest of me is busy being amazed at how great this is. i have a lot of appreciation for female on male rape making the genre feel a lot less misogynistic than it often comes off, and the emotional sadism here is wonderfully over the top. never going to complain about a cute bat, either.
seriously looking forward to how you develop this into intersecting with your main plot, keep it up
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Thank you! It is a prologue chapter, so most of the elements of the main story are yet to arrive. Very happy that you liked the flavor thus far though!
Really good first chapter, I have to say, I the pictures you're basing this off and the great little mini-clopfic in the comments for one of them.
I do think I would have enjoyed the prologue a little more without Blackheart there, getting upset, brings me a little bit out of the kink-focused mood but overall, really enjoyed it. The sort of thing that Dusk was doing was great, heh, though the way she made him see her ass first gave me the lovely thoughts of him falling in love with her asshole and her making him kiss and lavish it with attention.
Can't wait to see more!
Wow that was amazing. What a start to a fic. I really enjoyed this and cannot wait to read more.
Also that ending with anon, made me laugh. Villians are interesting as well. All of this goodness and haven't gotten to Lyra or bon bon yet. Most enjoyable indeed.
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Thanks to both of you! As I said in the A/N this story really blossomed as I was knocking out what was supposed to be a short prologue.
Blackheart is an ambiguous character, still coming to terms with her fall. She's meant to keep things a bit grounded... To make the reader understand that corrupting someone's free will / free love is a truly terrifying thing. It's always good to have at least one villain with some complexity.
Re: the ass-worship scene, I had a blast writing that. It shows just how juvenile the young thestral is. A certain of the scene where Stalwart literally fell in love with Dusk's tailhole was considered, but was just a little too ridiculous
.
We’ll get ‘em next time.
Anon needs to enslaveThat little thestral with his human sex ways to the point of worshiping Or obsession
8520457
Have a bloody thumbs up!
Was thinking the same thing and hoped someone would have comented it!
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=_lLJGvygENo
8521610
Hahaha! I didn't even know this was a meme, I'll have to stick an oblique reference to it in the story now.
You did great at establishing these characters as villains, I hate their fucking guts.
At this point I want to keep reading just to see if they get any sort of comeuppance for their actions.
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Oh it is definitely a meme
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Thanks! I wanted to give them a grimdark villain vibe. Hopefully you see that Blackheart is still going through a moral struggle, and Dusk has had some kind of past trauma and is a bit young and stupid though. I think villains are best when you hate them but understand them. They'll develop more as we go along.
Oh and they will get their comeuppance
I'm only like half-way through the first chapter. Unfortunately I have to go do other things at the moment, but I needed to leave a comment.
Holy shit do not stop this train. This is great on a few levels.
I can't exactly remember how I found this story but I found the prologue amusing and I can't wait to see what absurdity you'll give us in the next chapter.
I also can't help but wonder what the role of anon will be and if he (Assuming he's from an alien planet and has a different biology) will be totally immune to this powerful love poison.
Great work on the prologue anyways and I'll be sure to read the next chapter whenever it does come around.
Finished the first chapter.
This is like a hilarious love letter to my fetishes. Even if it wasn't sexy(which it is), it's amusing enough on it's own that I'd read it for the humor. But that's not all! It's intriguing, too! I'd follow it solely because it looks to set up a good story. But wait! The characters have character! Hot damn!
My advice is just keep doing what you're doing. Don't get wrapped up trying to make a masterpiece or get derailed by the comments.
Just keep on track.
Choo choo...
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Guys, thank you for your praise! I'm so happy that I hit the right tones for you!
Next chapter is nearly done, has a little less clop and a little more comedy...
Trust me when I say 'masterpieces' and/or comments are not remotely in mind when I write... I basically hook my hands up to the keyboard and discoennt the conscious mind, low effort stuff meant to be fun and light...
That being said, I love the feedback and it will help that stream of consciousness writing style!
I leave the hard work for everyday life, this is all about goofin' with pones!
Wow! And I thought the Maid to Please fic by Pajama Pudding was dark. I am shocked...yet intrigued. I look forward to the next chapter.
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Thanks! I was also surprised how dark it got, the mind can lead to interesting places!
this is my [second] favorite thing
edit: i remembered my old favorite thing
Lyra is amazing, and I'm caught on the edge of loving everything about her, and thinking she goes just too far to be unsympathetic and unrelatable. I think the balance works out though, given that this is ridiculous smut at its core, and she has to contrive herself into victimhood.
Bon Bon is also great. I deeply enjoyed the clop scene – I think it meaningfully adds to the piece (more than just being more porn in a piece of porn, so that's already a win), it really helps keep the tone light and on target. It sets up that this is a ridiculous porn world relatively in general, and not just for the crazy supervillains, and if we had an entire chapter of mostly just Lyra being innocently comically incompetent, the transition back into smut might seem too whiplash. Highlighting Bon's character more is just a bonus. Her crush on Lyra is friggen' adorable, but going back to the original point, it can start straining credibility a bit with how consistent Lyra is at doing the wrong thing while we see her.
But yeah, constant constant smiles the entire time, I feel like I've been waiting for this story for half a decade.
(You do have some major editing issues though, most notably there's like four duplicated paragraphs early on at
I don't have the energy to comb through the entire thing unprompted, but it you want my expertise, I love this story so much I'd be on it in a heartbeat.)
I think we repeated the first part in the beginning
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Thanks guys! Not sure how we missed that one! Fixed it now.
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Encino, thank you so much for the feedback! I think we are of a kind when it comes to our opinions in the tone. You nailed it when you said that if it wasn't for this being a ridiculous smut piece it would come off as Lyra being a touch insensitive and unbelievable!
I'm also glad that you thought the clop fit right in - you're right that one of the main reasons for the sequence was to prevent things from feeling too 'whiplashy'... The other main reason is that I can't help myself and love writing clop
.
Regarding the duplication error, that one's actually my fault and not my editor... A laggy interface and some hasty copy-paste. That being said I would love to have your eyes on my story if the offer is there... Shoot me a pm if you're still up for some light feedback!
Don’t you just love it when someone says something sarcastically and it immediately happens?
And now Lyra is fuuucked. Literally and metaphorically.
I would think doubling the guys doses of poison to get him to fall in love with his wife again would put him in a stocker mindset or even worse
make him dangerous to her and his kid.
I know what you were going for but when Bonbon asked to use it again and Luna says no it kinda comes off as it would change you.
It just seems odd to me that Luna wouldn't even list one possible danger from a sea of possibility to convince bonbon to let go of this idea.
But that's the only thing that stood out to me.
Anyway liking the story so far and reading that little sjw (forgot her name) moment felt too weird to be in a mlp story... said a lot about our world when its normal here.
lol
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Hehe, not quite yet but it's definitely upcoming! To be fair, she did a pretty good job as an investigator... She found the criminals in a single day!
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You're right that the poison could just have a different negative effect, but what I (through Luna) wanted to stress was that even if it was a positive fix, it raises very troubling ethical questions. In the scenario I've laid out, you're effectively 'killing' the current Captain's love/mind/fate. If you could inject a criminal with a serum that wiped out their desire to do crime, would you? Would you do it if it prevented them from even having criminal thoughts? Would you do it if the criminal didn't want it? Free will is a tough thing!
You're right that the poison could have been just bad on its own, though.
Regarding the SJW, I had fun writing a teasing look at how ridiculous those 'fields of study' are... I am sure such a peaceful society as Equestria would be beset by similar well meaning idiots who are way out of their league of experience.
Anyway, so glad you're enjoying!
This story is fantastic! I think the characterization ist great and even though it is supposed to be clop, I enjoy the non-clop story very much. Keep it up!
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Thanks! Means a lot that you liked the non clop too!
You are severely overthinking the backstory to the clop here. Your editor was right, that scene in the train was entirely unnecessary, as were other large portions of this story, like showing the aftereffects of the love potion on Stalwart, which just kind of killed the mood. You can't seem to decide whether you're writing clop or a huge spy thriller\heist story, and a lot of the sex so far just feels tossed in to keep people reading until you get to "the good stuff." Which maybe would've been fine were this story not based off of a specific series of pictures, and you've put in 20,000 words of either an uncomfortable rape scene specifically written to twist the knife, or random liberal college teens waking ponies up on a train because they're in heat, neither of which have anything to do with the original images. I can kind of see how you got to the first scene in your thought processes, to establish the poison I can only guess is going to be used on Lyra and Bon Bon, but that second half is bizarre, and It seems like the human subplot was only thrown in as a justification to have Lyra included, as opposed to the two already being in a "friends" relationship and that alone being good enough reason to include her, as well.
Originally I added this story because I rather liked your story with Apogee and the developing sequel, but in hindsight I can see the same core problem; you keep widening your scope larger and larger, including new characters and introducing new plotlines that did not need to be introduced. Don't get me wrong, all of this is extremely well-written; but it's not what I read the story for, and including it just feels like clutter.
In short, you may want to take a step back from both of these and consider what you want to write, and more solidly plan it all out. Your editor seems to have a good head on their shoulders. Write out an outline, bullet points or something, then run through it with them. They should be able to help you trim the fat, reduce the number of unnecessary sideplots. And if you feel like you need to add in random clop just to keep people interested in your clopfic, you may want to examine why that is, first.
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Hey thanks for the feedback! I can tell you've put a lot of thought into it!
Actually,this fic is meant to be a bit more sweeping and epic! I always try to push my boundaries with each new fic I pen, and this one's new boundary push was going to be an overarching plot that involved more than just clopfic, as well as dark elements which explored free will!
I actually, do have a story skeleton laid out on this one too! The train scene was always in there!
I totally get where you're coming from with respect to a plotline that expands and expands and ends up never getting closer to the final purpose of the story - I've seen many of my favorite writers do the same!
But this (and Any Landing for that matter) do actually have story skeletons, which both probably have 2-3 more chapters in them. Sometimes that expands out a bit as I often write much more into scenes than I originally planned, but trust me - these are not 'neverending stories' with plot creep!
I could see how if you'd read my earlier stuff you might worry about exactly that, as these two stories are definitely more ambitious, and I could see how you might worry that I've left this one since I haven't updated it in about a month (Any Landing has just been too much fun), but don't worry! That's sort of the point of these two stories: to stretch my abilities and continue to grow, by writing slightly more complex plots!
Thank you though for the kind compliment and well-considered feedback, I hope to hear from you when I've wrapped both stories up - hopefully I'll have shown you that I can manage a true story (versus just a clopfic scene!)... but I have yet to discover if I can do that myself!
I'm actually looking forward to the next chapter of this story more than the Apojet sequel, and that is one of my favorites. This chapter was great and Lyra's characterization was awesome and genuinely funny. I agree that the random clop scene kind of stuck out and agree with your rationale with keeping it in. Otherwise, it would have been like 10k words between scenes. Maybe changing the details of their back story to have more relation to the rest of the plot could have helped.
I just suddenly had a random idea for a "plot related" scene you could have done. Maybe for therapy, the captain's doctors created a sex doll for him... and because he now has particular taste, ended up recreating a very good "mug shot." Luna then has to show it to bon bon as a lead, but it's just caked in semen.
Anyway, hopefully your other mega popular story doesn't overshadow this one from being finished eventually! I'm working backwards slowly through your catalog.
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Wow! Wish I'd thought of that, that's hilarious! Bonny's reaction would have been priceless!!!
I'm glad you like this story... Keep it a secret, but this story is actually my favorite too... The original scene that it's based on is why I started doing this writing in the first place!
Thanks for supporting my work! My stuff is getting better (I think)... Which means unfortunately as you work back you'll probably find that things get simpler and more cloppy! Still, hope you enjoy and leave comments, I'd be interested to hear what you think!
Please sir, may I have some more?
I hope the story didn't come down with a terrible case of Death.
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No sir. Just a bit of delay as I finish other space related things.
8694084 Space related things?
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The space ponyos adventures that had been consuming all my writing time for the past two months, lol
8695104 I sadly don't know what that is
Loves this story so far, can't wait to see more.
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Thanks! I really shouldn't let it stew much longer.
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I agree! This one has potential in my opinion.
A story from the best clopfic writer on this site based on my favourite N0nnny pictures? Damn, this is gonna be amazing when it's finished.
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That's seriously touching! Maybe one of the nicest comments I've ever received, especially considering how many amazing clopfic writers there are out there!
I liked this. I think I will take a look at your other stuff too. Space stuff?
We'll get 'em next time.
This is still ongoing, right?
I'm not a big fan of "shoehorned clop" but I do seem to like the fact it's actually got a proper story with good writing behind it.