Fight the Future! On a Budget.

by eraser

Monster Hunt Gone Sideways: Marketplace (December 15, 1996)

🚶⏳🤑

The marketplace was already crowded despite the early hour. Ponies (as well as donkeys... and cows... and were those pigs customers, goods or strays?) didn't pay much heed to humans. Probably got used to them. There were quite a few purple ones, but Steve said Starlight wasn't there.

"Any idea where could they have gone?" inquired Pyr. "Should we start asking the merchants?"

"No need," said Twilight. "I'm pretty sure they dropped by Applejack."

"You just want her apples," Steve said with a smirk.

"So what if I do? Apples grow the best apples in Equestria. Starlight would definitely pick some."

"Twilight, I think the translation malfunctions," Pyr started with doubt. "I heard that 'apples grow apples'."

"Don't worry, it's their family name," Steve replied dismissively. "Apple farmers, everything about their lives is apples. How would one of them become a friend of the princess here is beyond me. But it is so, she even tutors their youngest filly." He chuckled. "A load of trouble, but fun. As for asking merchants, I'd start with Connor. Much closer."

"No wonder you got off the wrong hoof with Apples. They take pride being hard-working, and you are so defiantly lazy—"

"Hard work kills ponies, as they say," Steve cut her off with a polite smile.

"You are the only one who says that," Twilight accused him.

This was obviously a conversation repeated many times over. And it was going to last long...

"Can't we visit both?" Pyr raised his voice.

"Of course!" Twilight lit up. "Wait for me at Connor's booth." And she disappeared without any sound effects.

"That's teleportation," Steve explained seeing the agents' amazement. "Every unicorn can do that. She says it's nothing like the portal to Earth. To me it's all Greek. Just don't tell Dick I said that."

The agents had no time to ask what did Dick have to do with that, because they arrived. One vegetable stall was occupied by a fat young man with a sizeable brown beard. He could work as a Santa if he bleached it. Connor Nash, 20-something, cashier at Target (the word 'Target' was circled and surrounded with question marks), reported missing by his flatmate.

"Hi! This is Connor, the jolliest vegetable salesman in town. Connor, these are Pyr and Camorran—"

"Kamran!" Pyr corrected. Kamran just shook his head.

"—from Interpol. They want to see Starlight and the new guy she brought. Have you seen them?"

"Starlight? What did she get herself into this time?"

Pyr made a mental note to find out about previous times. Someday.

"Actually, we are investigating your alleged death," he said. "Among other things."

"My death?"

"You didn't come home from a trip. Next day your friend Mike called the police," said Kamran.

"But I sent him a letter! Take the money in my room, put my things in storage, I'll pick them later. Tell the boss I tell him to fuck off, if he's got the guts. I mean if Mike has the guts. Spike said the letter got delivered. I invited Mike here too."

"Spike?" The name was familiar.

"Twilight's dragon. Has some magic to send letters all over the world. This world, at least," explained Steve.

"All right, mister Nash. Since you are alive and well, will you testify under oath that you are staying here willingly?"

"I think you should explain me my rights before that."

"Just answer 'yes' or 'no'." Pyr was starting to lose patience. "It's not legally binding."

"If you say 'yes'," Kamran cut in, "next time we'll bring an American lawyer to take your testimony. Or maybe just close the case and skip the legal swamp. If 'no'... We'll relay your answer and again be done with it."

"Aaaah, then of course yes. I like it here. The air is clean, the vegetables are real, not some plastic GMO crap, the boss remembers my name, pays enough to rent a whole cottage... If you see Mike, tell him..." Connor paused, deep in thought. "Nah, I'll just go there next week and settle things up. So, you were asking about Starlight Glimmer, right?"

"Was she here today?" asked Pyr.

"Was she alone?" asked Kamran at the same time.

"She brought another guy. Was showing him around. Ethan or something like that. Bought some plums and went to school. Said she wanted to get there before classes start."

"School?" asked Steve. "Which one? And why?"

"No idea. If you ask me, I got the impression Starlight wants to show him how humans are faring here."

Twilight Sparkle appeared out of nowhere. Four apples were floating next to her.

"Applejack says they went to Ponyville Elementary," she declared. "She didn't ask why."

"Do you know where does Mia work today?" Steve asked.

"Sweetie said she teaches math in Elementary," Twilight said thoughtfully. "Of course, they'd want to see Mia! We still have time to catch her before classes."

Three apples floated to humans.

"Best apples in Equestria," Twilight declared. "My treat. With best regards from Applejack. Come on, we don't want to interrupt a lesson." She led the way.

The agents followed, eyeing the apples suspiciously.

"Do you think it's safe?" asked Pyr quietly.

"If they wanted us dead, they'd have done it when those pink snakes blinded us," replied Kamran. A bit too firmly, trying to persuade himself too.

"Don't worry, the apples are fine for us," said Steve. "Even for my teeth. Avoid the flowers and grass, and you'll be fine."

The apples proved excellent, just the right balance of sweet and sour and of soft and crispy.

⌚🍎⏳🚶⌛

Author's Note:

Comments? Suggestions? Questions? I'm glad to answer any.

Comments

[Lunar-Flare]

8958175
I do not believe you need to restart at all, the vast majority of it is good. The interactions feel honest and believable between the agents. The ponies even fit the bill for "very nice aliens" quiet well. The only thing that really throws it off is the immediate loss of conflict. The agents sheathe their weapons too quickly. Having just walked out on a missing persons case and having their contact disappear should set them on edge. Try giving them something to spur them towards trying to negotiate. For example, they could look down from the platform and see some of the vendor humans walking in the market. This would give them a good reason to attempt a peaceful confrontation rather than the normal protocol of "Arrive at site. Find more giant spiders. Shoot everything" (because honestly there are so many spiders in that mod). It could also lead into a new issue that helps explain the tour better. Wanting to ensure that all the humans are alive and in Ponyville by choice is a good character motive, but it will make it hard to continue writing because every meeting will be largely the same and the resolution will arrive quickly. Maybe the agents are suspicious of mind control? Or you could move further with their suspicion of drugged food.

If you want the story to be short and conclude with "the agents find nothing wrong, report to the commander and the whole investigation is shuttered." then it looks great! That feels like a good and fun ending because it fits the theme of the X-files mod. After all, if there is no issue the agency has no reason to do anything aside from possible scientific studies. But if you want it to be longer (which I assume to be the case since you are having trouble feeling good about the current writing) try fleshing out the agent's motivations again.

Also, maybe keep the explanations for why they can speak, learn, etc in the ending reports. They are interesting and it will help dialogs such as Twilight's introduction form feeling bloated or unnecesary. As is the story feels a bit thrown off when twilight tries to explain things to them in depth, only to have it repeated at the end.

[eraser]

8960216

The only thing that really throws it off is the immediate loss of conflict. The agents sheathe their weapons too quickly.

Yes!

They don't exactly sheathe them. They can quick-draw them faster than a U-turn, but I failed to show that tension and readiness.

Wanting to ensure that all the humans are alive and in Ponyville by choice is a good character motive, but it will make it hard to continue writing because every meeting will be largely the same and the resolution will arrive quickly.

Yes, it gets repetitive. But those missing humans will prove somewhat important in the following chapters. Again, I can't find the balance between briefness and giving enough details. If you are familiar with the mod: the new math teacher has a shaved head, Rarity's new tailor wears a cheap black business suit just like the agents, the new pond cleaner has greenish skin...

Also, maybe keep the explanations for why they can speak, learn, etc in the ending reports. They are interesting and it will help dialogs such as Twilight's introduction form feeling bloated or unnecesary. As is the story feels a bit thrown off when twilight tries to explain things to them in depth, only to have it repeated at the end.

Yes, missed that.

If you want the story to be short and conclude with "the agents find nothing wrong, report to the commander and the whole investigation is shuttered." then it looks great! That feels like a good and fun ending because it fits the theme of the X-files mod. After all, if there is no issue the agency has no reason to do anything aside from possible scientific studies. But if you want it to be longer (which I assume to be the case since you are having trouble feeling good about the current writing) try fleshing out the agent's motivations again.

Have you seen the first version? I tried something like that. With two extra twists: Discord's magic boosts the agents' existing ability to foresee the future, and the gate shuts down, seemingly for good. But it's only the beginning, more gates will appear in the following months. Then I decided there wasn't enough about their interactions with Ponyville inhabitants, and I restarted it.

For example, they could look down from the platform and see some of the vendor humans walking in the market.

Too far to see. They could see a human on the balcony, but that should change a lot... Ok, let's say they were still on the platform, when another missing human arrived from Earth. Someone, who didn't rely on Spike's postal magic.

Maybe the agents are suspicious of mind control? Or you could move further with their suspicion of drugged food.

I thought about that, but can't come up with an easy way to quench their fears. Besides, they won't believe in mind control until they meet Sectoids in January

Ergo: at least alter chapter 2. Hopefully, it'll get me unstuck.

[Lunar-Flare]

8962113
I never saw the first version, so I was unaware of how it was previously written. Regardless, I do not feel as though you need to explain more than you have. Nothing really feels left out or confusing. I am familiar with the mod, but I do not think that feels necessary. Nothing seems too outlandish for someone completely unfamiliar with the games to understand, which is great!
Still seeing chupacabras of doom and yetis at the moment.
Don't chase any landed UFO's in your tiny cars. it was a bad idea.
Summary since I am not good with words: 👍
Good luck writing commander.