- Member Since 13th Apr, 2013
- offline last seen Jun 17th, 2023
Arelak
A writer of stories grounded in reality and with the goal of creating a larger and more vibrant Equestrian World! I write sagas not short stories.
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this looks nice
8716818
Well I hope you enjoy reading it, not sure how long or short a story this will be yet.
Right. First chapter observations: It's hard to tell from just chapter one, but I think I like the premise. Some old, sociopathic wizard living secluded in an underground realm trying to keep the bothersome ponies away like one would gnats.
There are a few typos and grammatical errors, but that's typical for a story without a swarm of editors. There aren't enough to actually effect the reading experience, so they don't really matter much.
My main criticism lies with your sentence structure, and by extension your descriptions. I am seeing a lot of commas. Perhaps entirely too many, and that is coming from someone quite fond of commas. These long chains are mostly prevalent when you endeavor to detail the setting or objects. In general, I would recommend breaking these up into two or three complex sentences, however certain cases might warrant a complete reexamination of how you describe them. It can often be tempting to list off a number of descriptors in an effort to convey the same mental images you have to the readers, but I've generally found that being overly specific actually accomplishes less in that regard. Instead of just linking multiple physical attributes, try to think of more emotionally charged words or concepts to evoke the feeling of the place in the reader. Their minds can do the rest, typically. Through this method, you can often narrow down the specific details to just the ones directly relevant to the story. Sometimes, some things are better left ambiguous, where as other times you'll find yourself replacing a single sentence that contained a list of details with multiple wordy sentences that focus instead on the atmosphere.
A final suggestion, and I don't mean this to sound condescending in any way, is to really make use of a thesaurus. As I said about find more emotionally charged words, it can be amazing how switching a word with a more elaborate synonym can completely change the spirit of the sentence. I'm not suggesting unduely complicated or technical words, just lesser used ones to spice up the variety or add a different context.
I will say that despite my above criticisms, I found the way you handled the characters and their descriptions rather good! You spared details about them until it was relevant. The batpony got a much more in depth examination because the human was indeed critically examining her. In contrast, the pony only saw details of the human immediately significant to her: tall, scary, robed, pale, ect. You also represented their personalities by show, not tell, and that is always a good thing.
8719126
I have been rethinking the sentence structure quite a bit and rewritten as I went along, so far in my literary experiment here is getting the knack for cutting back on things. I do not own a thesaurus anymore just from all the moving around over the years but I have just sat here and stewed over better words to use. Your observation is dead on by the way, I will be taking a break from writing more chapters for a bit because where I left off is a good breaking point. With any luck as I keep experimenting things will improve and hopefully my repertoire will grow as I keep going, it has been a long time since I have actually used larger words.
Thank you for the review! It is indeed helpful!
8719165
I'm glad it was well received! I've always found the best thing about fanfiction is being able to experiment and learn from writing in a community of peers, so I try to give the kind of feedback I'd want to receive if I ever put a story up here.
why am i getting The Ancient Magus' Bride feel from this story
(its a anime)
8725249
Never heard of it but I already have two or three endings in mind, just have to stay tuned to find out.
Loving the story so far keep it up
8796917
Thank you! Getting anyone to at least look at it though is a real bitch and a half let alone comment.
What do you like about the story though?
If you have problems getting a thesaurus, you can just type "yourword def".
Some of the results are from online thesauri and you can get alternatives.
8797319
Quite enjoyed the progression of the relationship between Valkardian and Shadow from slave to (friend/companion/protegee) . Also like how the changes to Shadow happened pretty gradually then further on she understands why our human wizard has a distaste for equestrians in general. Really boils down to two very well done characters and a nice pace that is slow enough to understand events but also fast enough not to linger on something for too long.
8799010
Thank you, glad the pacing is working out.
I am loving this
8805061
Glad you like it!
This is a pretty unique story compared to the other ones that I have seen here. I dont believe I have seen a premise like this one before. also if it isn a secret are you planing on having these two meet or interact with Celestias more notable pawns like Twilight and company, or even Bon Bon?
8806825
I am not going to spoil the story for you but I think at this point it IS rather obvious a princess or two will HAVE to come into play eventually. Beyond that it remains my secret.
8808187
Fair enough.
This story needs more attention
8812686
Thank you for the compliment!
What's up with the "(missed)" in the synopsis?
8813642
Its a note about missing highlights since I forgot to put them back in.
While i keep reading this interesting story as I loved ponies arrogant hypocrite asses get bited especially with that sunybutty I still get some weird feeling about sentence structure which I am not sure as English was not my first language.
Nevermind that but i love to see how story flow to for far with daily updates.
8825294
Sentence structure is something I struggle with, trying to get the proper amount of feeling or description but avoiding old mistakes like I did in the early chapters. Then again I get so few reviews it is hard to improve either for that matter.
Also some of it is my experimentation with different styles of writing. Tell me what sticks out as poorly worded if you would, I could damn sure use a second opinion on what is not working.
You have captured my attention, I'll be adding this to my libraries and looking forward to reading more.
See you next chapter,
Shadow Quill, Messenger of the Moon.
8826708
Its a long ride to the end, hope you enjoy it!
While I didn’t have know enough to give opinion for stroy but i pick something that i pass as occasionally i could not translate-understand properly.
There something in long paragraph which is some connection between description of actions are something questionable as well i thought there shall be preposition in sentence... i can not pickup certain paragraph in question due to lack of skill but i hope you can find them.
Great work! I love this story and keep reading each day as per your update. I expect invasion in show on the road!
8830799
You are picking up on my continued attempt's at writing longer sentences, still not working very well it seems but practice makes perfect.
I think it getting even more better as i have no anomaly noticed.
Your OC antagonist Steelshod was quite Sob as you intended but that doesn’t mean.Celestia and luna make less bitch than him. They sow seed themselves it’s plight long thousands ago and they just pay for it. I just more interested the protagonist Shadow moon going through the all this war and how they will mopup mess that Steelshod left behind with his pretty revenge. Maybe second match with will be re-throned Celestia with her burning hate for master Valkardian i mere guess.
Thanks your daily updates! Great works!
8833463
Thank you for the continued feedback!
I thought the story was entirely stick with third perspective style i think it is mistake. No serious but little confused at it.
I sympathize Shadow’s view on Celestia indeed. She reluctantly going to ‘save’ Celestia dispite with all truths and manipulation that princess committed past thousands years ago. Unwillingly but to use her for their own leverage as well deny the emperor from propaganda advantages.
Thanks updated as it getting more intrested as well in verge of all hell broken loose.
8835978
Grammatical error there, should be IT not I. Fixed, thank you for catching that.
Well if you were going for 'Dark', mission accomplished. Somewhat hooking, I will admit.
Now, I noticed that the perspective changed several times and there were some parts where the characters' thoughts were displayed. You want to have a method to define when the perspective changes or it will lead to confusion on the part of the readers. For the internal thoughts, try italicizing them. (That is the method I use) One other thing, why did she refer to her food as 'iron rations'?
Also, if you wanted the reader to hate the robed character, you have done so with great aplomb.
I think you're missing a word there.
Garments.
... large towel as she stormed...
As for the end... I had to chuckle a little. If he wanted THAT, he could have done it when she was unconscious.
I think you meant 'bowl' not 'bow'. I also noticed you seem to have some trouble with possessive words like: Valkardians should be Valkardian's and so forth. The apostrophe indicates possession.
I think you want to reword that entire sentence.
I applaud the attention to that little detail. It speaks well of you as an author.
I think you meant 'cave' not 'gave'.
Despite him being willing to casually murder her in the beginning, I am rather starting to like this guy. He is deranged but not depraved. Does that make sense? Maybe not, but he is an understandable person, even if he is kind of evil.
The brackets interrupt the flow. Try this instead: "This," he said, motioning to the book, "was just the first phase of her plan.
this is getting awsome
8838258
I actually realized the first part and when you get to the actual war chapters (not uploaded yet) I have begun to mark who's perspective is whose or at least WHERE things are going on.
Interesting and gradual turn of events. I shall continue.
Ah, the confusion of realization. This chapter was POWERFUL. Well done.
Le sigh. Shadow needs to remember that while one village of his friends was razed, he did more and worse. Neither side is innocent, but who kept the hostilities up longer and slaughtered more innocents? The tell of a monster is not whether or not they do evil things, but whether or not they learn from them and stop.
I hate to say it, but that is an exceedingly poor argument. Right and wrong are absolute, however, acts of evil may be justified depending on the situation irregardless of whether or not we like them. Facts are facts and no matter of oppinion can alter that. The answer to the question of 'What is good and evil' can simply be summed up as 'Actions which benefit society and do no harm and actions which do not aid society.' But of course there is the middle ground, the section where society bsnefits, but harm is done in some way. Good and evil ARE absolute, but circumstances alter justification, not perspective.
Wow, ereasing history? That is STUPID beyond comprehension. It is a true statement that those who forget history are doomed to repeat it. Which is why Japan will fall back into Imperialism and their inhuman treatment of people again here soon. Their modern text books do not detail any of the crimes they committed. There is no mention of Comfort Women and no mention of Nanking.
Great works! Now its began. but i was hoping there was more Shadow’s part as well what Master doing as previous chapter was entirely perspectives from Equestria sides although there was many events in day period though. and certain pink delivery was still not delivered? I thought she will made it on this chapter but i guess i have to wait next.
Thanks your update!
8841127
It is a very true statement. In the end no matter how much truth is spoken or facts given it still boils down to individual choice. His comment is based on this then the history part backs it up: when history is erased so goes the truth and any evidence or facts. To some we see things in absolute terms of black and white but this is more of that "gray area" where peoples emotions, faith, personal beliefs and circumstances play in. To you he is dead wrong... However the observation itself is based on how people act in general.
"My nation, right or wrong!" Or even perhaps this: "The ends justifies the means."
Try arguing absolute right and wrong with a suicide bomber or christian who is joining into a war because the TV man said it was a holy crusade against islam. You get the same effect: Do you PERSONALLY agree with the justifications given?
Of course I cant have Valkardian explaining all that in detail because... There is no basis in Equestria so he does the best he can.
Here is what I tell people: "Who is right and wrong depends on where YOU are standing when that first bullet cracks over your head."
8841736
The ride is not over yet.
8841059
That is why Valkardian fits in for being evil. However his attack was also based on the premise that: You kill one of mine, I kill ten of yours.
People feel uncomfortable about it but fighting a war of retribution is a very bloody business, when the average Joe and Jane is put on the chopping block it gets ugly fast.
You are looking at things from a moralistic perspective while Valkardian is fighting based on whatever gets the point across quickest. A couple of mass slaughters certainly drives the point home hard and though the war continued it forced the enemy from the caves long enough to prepare better defenses against them.
As one commentator pointed out: Its called being sociopathic. While not ENTIRELY true... It still serves it's purpose to build his character.
8841821 Hell I'd prefer dealing with him than the fucking Japs. At least he doesn't promote suffering because he likes to hear female scream and so forth. He slaughters and I'd be willing to put money that he tells his servants to make the deaths quick. The Japs kidnapped over 200,000 women (often little girls who had not even had their first period) from different countries and forced them to be sex slaves for the army to rape and beat at their leisure. I don't give a shit who anybody is, but there is no way ANYBODY EVER thought that was anything but horrible. They did it because they wanted sex for their troops and they gave no fucks who they hurt in order to do it. Being raped 40+ times per day was bad enough, but to be beaten then forced to be injected with harsh chemicals. No society who condones that shit is worth keeping around and don't get me started on Nanking. Shit was so bad a fucking NAZI wrote letters to Hitler and asked for him to intervene because he could not stomach seeing infants impaled vagine first onto Jap swords. I'll take our 'villain' over those fuckers.
To be clear, people of Japanese descent are fine, but it's the culture of denial of fact and NEVER taking responsibility for their shit that drives me to hate. America nuked civilians at Hiroshima and Nagasaki. Americans put people of Asian descent into internment camps, but Americans at least own up to their crimes against Humanity and teach about them. Americans paid reparations to those who lost their livlihood, Japs claim their shit never happened. It all boils down to taking resposibility and learning from mistakes. Native born Japs do neither.
8841881
Hell yeah, absolutely agree with you indeed. As member of one of countries that happend fell under japs so called empires occupation in century ago, they did many horrible thing to our ancestors and they did not give us honest apology and never fuck us again that mean just admit your what did you to people of Asia in the Pacific war and never fuck deny that ever again like former Nazi german did after ther war. but Japs did not that and gag us with their money pact with our Dicator at past in an half century. even they trying to Rob our conturies's rock for their own already enomous sea territory with the Evidences form Jap empire period when they had swallowed our contury. and i even did not mention what was happend in China in Chines-Jap war which was consisted of Massacre and massarce and rape with sex slaves in army.
honestly i wished there was more than two nuke to blow jap into hell for what they did and even that will not enough.
i think compare master Valkardian to jap is outright insult him, he is some what evil but he never more evil than crazy insane evil jap empire. and even Steelshod were better than japs i guess.
i hope it not offence you while i write hate for japs in reply.