• Published 29th Oct 2018
  • 1,852 Views, 81 Comments

The Mare in White - Rockstar_Raccoon



Twilight Sparkle travels to a remote town to prove, once and for all, that there is no such thing as Ghosts. She's about to learn that some secrets are better left covered... | Original Gothic Horror story in time for Nightmare Night

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Epilogue (original)

Author's Note:

This was the original version of the ending which I was less happy with. Changed more in the end than in the beginning.

A soft light shone through the thin white curtains, the ocean breeze and the sound of the Manehattan traffic wafting gently in. A vase of lavenders rested on a table beside it, a get-well-soon card from Canterlot signed by six ponies back in Ponyville attached. The calendar told her it was the next day...

Twilight groaned, turning in the hospital bed. Her wings felt like a sack of rocks inside the casts, and her entire body was more than sore otherwise. She heard a stirring next to her, and carefully turned her bandaged head to look.

An alabaster mare with a shimmering mane had been sitting on a pillow nearby. She set her book aside, her broad wings shuffling at her sides as she stood, the sun glinting off the golden crown which sat beside her horn.

“Twilight...” Princess Celestia said, a small half-smile forming on her face, “You gave us all quite the scare back there.” she set her hoof on Twilight’s shoulder.

“Princess Celestia...” She squirmed a bit, grunting against the pain, “Spike! Where’s Spike! Is he ok?”

“Spike’s fine.” Celestia gently pushed her back down, “He’s resting in the other room... The two of you will be coming back to Canterlot with me on the next train.”

“The Mare in White... I saw her... She was real...”

Celestia nodded sadly, “I had suspected as much. You see, I’d never been able to find her. I knew her madness was dangerous, but I thought that, perhaps, you might draw her out. That was why I didn’t tell you about her. I wanted you to investigate with an open mind.” She sighed, sitting down on her haunches next to the bed, laying the foreleg over her former student, “Obviously, I used some poor judgement.”

“Who was she? When she was alive, I mean?”

Princess Celestia sighed, a deep pain, centuries old, weighing down on her as she closed her eyes.

“She was... She is... One of my greatest failures.”


Hooves touched down softly against the grass, a cloaked figure tucking its wings, glancing over the edge, taking a moment to look out over the ocean view. The moon sparkled against the ocean like a second set of stars, as if there was no horizon, and heaven and earth had become one. Slowly, the tall and slender pony turned away, stepping towards the ruin of a familiar place. It had once been a major guard post, flaunted as an essential tactical asset during some now-irrelevant war, fought by ponies even she didn’t remember, and had become completely disused over centuries, lying now as little more than rubble, a fraction of what it used to be.

A hoof came up to push the hood back as the pony surveyed the ruin. One might have thought her a stallion, for her muscled build and the near hulking sway of her shoulders, if not for the soft features of her face, hardened with time and loss.

Tenderly, she climbed the steps, treating the place with the reverence of a sacred shrine to something long forgotten, placing a hoof against the stone where a grand door once stood. Now, even the metal of it had rusted away to dust and been lost to that calm, ocean breeze. Her nostrils flared as she took in a breath, allowing the smell of salt and sand churning far below to wash through her as she stood lost in ancient memories.

Behind her, she felt a stirring. She turned and saw Her...

The Mare in White.

She looked at her without fear, without anger, or even wonder, and when she spoke, the only tremor in her voice was the ache of melancholy...

“I... heardst thou might be here.”

“I never left.”

“This I can see.”

“I waited for you.”

The visitor paused, closing her eyes. “...I know.”

“They expelled me from the guard as soon as you were gone.”

“I know.”

“They called me ‘The Night Witch’. They accused me of murdering foals and consuming their flesh.”

“I... Read the stories.”

“They tried to kill me... but, as you said, you know.”

The living mare stood silently, looking down at the echo of the one who was gone.

“When I ran, they chased me. Everywhere I tried to hide, I was soon found out. They made me live as if I were a ghost, with no place I could truly live, no shelter for my so called sins.”

...

The Mare put her icy hoof against the worn stone. “This was the last place I came to, the only safe place I could think of. Our old secret. I lived here for some time, just... grazing for food, staying in this place for shelter...”

“Our secret...” the mare smiled bitterly, “A funny way to describe your former post... Then again, you were the only caretaker to truly appreciate its beauty.”

“But, in time, the loneliness became too great for me to bare. After all, we were the only ponies to come here, in the end, weren’t we, Princess?”

“I suppose so.“

“I had much time to think, just... angry... hating... but other times, I imagined what could’ve been. What would’ve been in a world where our love wasn’t looked down upon, a world where I could have you, a world where you were still here.”

The living mare closed her eyes, taking a deep breath, the air cold and crisp, like that of a calm winter’s day.

“I remembered our secret liaison here, when we were wed. The lavenders you hung were beautiful under the light of your moon, as were the candles I brought. You were wearing that uniform you were so proud in, I was wearing a beautiful white dress. We spoke our vows with the sea at our backs, the lonely guard house our only witness. You held me, and I held you, and in that kiss, I thought we shared a love that would never be broken.”

The Princess opened her eyes, looking down at her with woe, reaching out a hoof to touch her face.

The Mare turned away, stepping slowly down the stairs, heading towards the cliff, “And when the memory that was true was not enough, I imagined what it would have been like if our love hadn’t been so taboo. If you were not a princess, and I were not your guard, if ponies like us... If the love between mares was not looked down upon as it was. I imagined your sister was there in pony, as if she ever approved of what we had. I imagined my whole family was there, not in shame for their wayward daughter, but in joy for out matrimony.”

The Princess only stared, having stopped a few paces short of her, following her gaze out to the ocean.

“And when I couldn’t take it anymore, couldn’t live with it...” the Mare stared coldly over the edge, giving a gentle shrug of defeat, “I just wanted that view, our view, to be the last thing I ever saw, and that memory of that ending which never was, to be the last I ever remembered...”

“I’m sorry...” The Princess grit her teeth, holding back tears, “I’m so sorry, my dear sweet Serenity...”

“What’s done is done.” the echo of Serenity stated solemnly, “I stood for something that could never be, and this is where I Fell.”

Her lover stepped beside her, draping a wing over her withers, as if unsure what she might do to make up for so much time lost with the shadow of her former love.

They stood there for a moment, but there was no warmth, for all warmth had left the Mare far too long ago to ever be regained.

“The sun will be rising soon.” She finally said, “I think I should like to watch it with you... One last time.”

“...I... Suppose it was wishful thinking, to believe I might somehow bring you back...”

“I died long ago. All that remains of what I was is my pain, my loss...” she glanced upwards at her long-lost-love returned, “And now that I have you again, I have nothing more to be.”

They gazed out at the moonlit sea, the stars shimmering, as if they were eyes and tears were forming within them. They hung like the condemned, so far above the endless expanse of dark waves that none could touch them, stretching beyond that horizon where the worlds of water and sky were melded into one. In their imaginations, they searched for a place, far beyond there, where they would ever find the happiness they had once had when their bodies had intertwined and their hearts had been one.

None could be found. There were only the fleeting moments of the now...

Soon, the top sliver of the sun appeared, shimmering overtop the clear blue horizon, splitting sky and sea.

Serenity took a deep breath as her pale form shimmered in the sunlight, and for a brief moment, the blue color of her coat seemed to return, her eyes sparkling a green as deep as the forest behind them, as if, for an instant she were alive once more.

Her lover looked down at her, staring deep, knowing this moment would be the last she ever saw of her.

She leaned forward, murmuring the words her ancient heart lent her, “Thou art more beautiful than life itself, my love.”

The Mare looked up into her eyes, her own sparkling like gems as they were lost in each other, “And thou art an angel, a miracle of beauty in the darkness of night.”

Their lips met, the warmth of life pressing against the cold of death, as they shared their final kiss, in a moment that seemed to last a thousand years...

A thousand years of death...

...A thousand years of loneliness.

The Princess let go, eyes still closed, a whispered promise uttering forth, “For as long as I live, should it be an eternity, I swear, I shall never forget you...”

She opened her eyes, and found herself alone, standing in the first warmth of the morning sun, the only sound in the silence that calming rushing of the waves against the rocks below.

Serenity was at rest.

Her long lost love was finally departed.

Luna laid her head down on that grassy ground...

...and she wept.

THE END

Comments ( 46 )

The Mare in White's identity is revealed.
Did anypony guess it?

3rd guess (2nd guess I will never tell no mater how much you torture me or bribe me). Figured who was the groom was because of the lunar pendent and the whole

One was tall and slender, perhaps a stallion

just screams misdirection. Good Nightmare Night story space cow girl.

Honestly no I didn't guess her identity but then admittedly the title alone more made me think of the 1859 novel the Woman in White which was among the first mystery novels ever made rather than who the ghost might be.

This story was actually really good. I just wish it wasn't so short lol.

9268506
Well, Displaced into Nothing has dragged on for so long, I just wanted to bang out a quick story. This was written to be read in under an hour: this is a Campfire story. I read the first draft at the Nightmare Night party I threw for my local fan club, and I'll be reading this revised version at the Nighmare Night event of the fan club for the town south of here.

Someday I might come back and write out a longer, more suspenseful version, which shows you the things I breezed over, but not now. Right now, this version has become a bit of a hooffull, with me trying to figure out why nopony is reading it while dealing with requests for things like dramatic readings on internet-radio shows.

In any case, I'm glad everypony is enjoying it. Like I said, I'm still a little surprised at how few people are actually reading it....

9268524
The ending was bittersweet. Good way to close things out.

9268544
Yeah, that was one of the earliest parts of the story. I knew I wanted Twilight to investigate a spooky ghost, and I knew I wanted the big reveal to be that it was Luna's lesbian lover. That part where it sort of became poetry, I wrote on and off over the past two weeks, and only really finished it today. I thought it was a nice touch too, a really fitting end for this story, as short as it was.

9268565
You definitely earned the like, favorite, and follow.

9268495
Where do you think I got the idea for the title? Woman in White, Lady in White, Woman in Black... It seemed odd nopony had used that kind of name for one of these.

9268521
Would you care to be more detailed?

9268569
You should read my other one, it's way longer, and way more intense, with no definite ending in sight, because sequels.

9268578
I'll definitely look into it.

9268572
I was referring to the ending.
It was just one of those 'holy shit' moments.

9268680
Why thank you. Stuff like that loses its shock-value and intrigue when you're the one working on it....

9269206
heh well I would recommend those to check out, and i read the whole story, and i think its ok not great but, it wasn't how i was expecting it, and the ending was somewhat ok but i wish there was some more, hint to it or so, but it hey you wrote the story you wanted, but i award this story 5/10, it was interesting but it didn't feel too scary, especially with the ending, sorry it wasn't as High as i wanted to give it

9269715
Horror doesn't always have to be scary, I wasn't really going for a nightmare inducing thing here, just a ghost story. I also thought it was a bit weird that people were gushing over it so much, seeing as I didn't think it was that amazing myself when I was writing it, just competent.

I also realize that there isn't enough information for you to really guess the ending, but if you go back, you should be able to make out the breadcrumbs I was trying to leave. (The wedding scene, for example, very specifically specifies Lavender hung on the walls. Who in the show have we seen hanging Lavender?) (Also, the bit at the beginning, where Twilight mentions xenophobia, comes back around to why the Mare doesn't kill her: because Twilight doesn't judge like that) As I said, I was trying to write this one fast, and I noticed that I didn't slip in enough clues this time, which is something I usually do the opposite of, so it's been a good learning experience in that way too.

I regret not being able to participate in the mystery. Still, a fantastic tale of horror. Twilight was especially great. One does not simply tell Bookhorse to stop investigating some undocumented magical phenomenon, especially not if she can also befriend it.

Also, Serenity and the moon princess in a forbidden romance. What you did there. I see it.

Thank you for a wonderful story.

9282218
Glad you enjoyed it! Even with some of the problems, I think this is a pretty solid story for what it is.

Really, this was all an SJW story the whole time? I saw a few hints of it, but damn this chapter just went full-on with the BS.

"Hurr durr, our forbidden gey sehks caused me to become a phantom and murder a gazillion ponies. " Crazy Ghost Pony
"Lol, that's ok. I dun care about them, my obsession with you is all that ever mattered to me." Loony

REALLY?! Is this supposed to elicit sympathy at this lesbian pony who KILLED COUNTLESS INNOCENT PONIES, thus demonstrating that gays are indeed emotionally unstable monsters who hide their true colors? And the other part of this pair? Luna! Who became Nightmare Moon and tried to murder her sister and take over the world in an act that would most certainly have doomed all life on the planet!

But we're supposed to accept that their forbidden love is A-Ok when they exhibit so many psychotic tendencies... we're supposed to forget everything we know and get swept up in this artificial romance at the last moment.

It's the fictional equivalent of using the 'bad childhood' defense in the trial of a gang leader who shot up a school playground... after shooting up a mall... after shooting up a wedding...

Starting to get the picture of why this fails so hard? This ghost was just killing and killing... after killing herself. Over what? Because ponies were mean to her. They weren't even the ones who killed her or directly led to her death, which would at least get you the poltergeist excuse. No, she buried herself in her own emotional turmoil, then killed hundreds or thousands of ponies who couldn't possibly have played any part in it.

Let's also analyze deeper: Luna became NMM BEFORE this happened! So, Loony had the love of this mare, and was a Princess.. meaning no one would have dared interfere while Luna was present since regular ponies are petrified of alicorn power. And even with this love, Luna cast it away because of nothing but petty jealousy over Celestia. Power and praise was clearly more important to her. Gee, what a sympathetic character. Had Luna turned after finding her love dead... had some Celestia-cultists thrown her to her death... well then, we actually have a motivation there for a vengeful spirit AND for Loony to blame Celestia and at long last have a better catalyst for the emergence of NMM.

Why, if one wanted to read into it as presented in the story, one could conclude that this love was the product of an unhealthy obsession by two mentally-unbalanced mares who then became either suicidal or murderous when they felt they couldn't win approval.

Sheesh, you've done a better job demonizing them than the Westborough Baptist Church could ever hope to do!

NOT a better love story than "Twilight"! I've never said that before... I've never had to.

The tires on this story were only half-inflated in the first place before all the air was let out of them.

This is what turns people off so much about all stories like this. It feels so horribly forced and agenda-driven, shoehorned in for the sole purpose of guilt and emotional manipulation; while also inadvertently giving credence to the opposing side's arguments because of its own inability to portray it's supposed victims in what amounts to an incredibly unflattering accidental condemnation.

Comment posted by Rockstar_Raccoon deleted Nov 15th, 2018

9295067
Wow, Triggered by ponies. I had no idea I was so provocative...

9295082 I analyze stories based on writing and messaging (when present). The messaging in that epilogue was far to blatant to be accidental.

It doesn't belong in a horror story. It belongs in a political campaign. A very poorly-planned political campaign that sabotaged it's own message.

On story points alone, it just doesn't work and the story would be stronger if it never existed and ended on a cold cutoff with Twilight fading into oblivion and leaving the audience with uncomfortable questions and no answers. THAT'S effective horror.

9295146
So, since a couple people have brought it up, I want to clarify that I didn't write this with any sort of political or social goal in mind, it's pretty much just a ghost story. As I said, I wrote it in a hurry, partially to see how fast I could write something, so there are a few things I feel I could have done better. One of them is the ending, and the lack of full explanation as to where those dead bodies came from and what the Mare in White actually did and why. As she says, she's not really the person Luna lost, only a remnant of her pain, which makes her more like a force of nature than an actual person.

What I think the couple people who are seeing a political agenda here are mistaken about is the difference between a political issue and a politicized issue. Being gay is not a political opinion, and thus having a character who is gay is not a political opinion. Saying that gay people face adversity and were, at least at some point in time, heavily persecuted, is not a political opinion. Both of these are politicized, however, because if you have a political group which opposes the existence of homosexuals, for whatever reason, it is politically inconvenient to acknowledge their existence or their persecution. This story is not political, it just so happens that, by coincidence, there are characters whose life experience has been politicized.

As for your argument that there is a problem with the story because of politics, no. There is nothing political about this story. If you don't like it because you are fixated on some sort of political agenda or whatever, that's your problem, not mine. I suggest you go talk to someone about your inability to separate politics from stories about ponies which were written on a restrictive deadline, because you would be happier if you moved on from it.

9296178 It's the very form of every movie, TV series, comic, etc, lately that HAS been created with a political agenda in mind, with the story construction and characterization taking a very distant second place in importance.

If you didn't mean it that way, then it just unfortunately fit right into the mold.

As I said the second time, for effective horror, it's often best not to explain the horror. That tends to suck the impact right out of it.

The reason the characters in "Psycho" and "Halloween" and other obvious horror villains are effective is they are technically 'unexplained'. Yes, we know who they are and a surface level of their motivations (they're nuts). But that's not really an explanation. We're mystified by a mind that seeks to kill simply for the sake of killing. It's unsettling, incomprehensible to a sane mind.

The same thing goes for ghosts and monsters; they're only frightening when we don't truly understand what they're after. Once we know about them, we can begin to construct a plan of attack or rationale, and the mysterious dread quickly fades.

That's why "Alien" was so gut-wrenching and claustrophobic, while "Aliens" was basically an action movie in space... and then everything afterward was increasingly pure crap.

This was nice to read, sad, but the perfect kind. Thank you for writing it.

9296978
No, I'm going to call this out. I think people are getting way too primed to see every piece of media which even mentions these things as being somehow political. It's gotten to the point where you can't even write a transgender character talking about the feeling of ostracisation which all transgender people describe without someone complaining that you are pushing some sort of gay agenda on them, when all you're trying to do is have a character who happens to be transgender. There was no political intent with this story, and I don't even think that the implication is even there beyond them referring to historical fact.

All that said, I do accept your criticism that the ending could have been much better done. As I said, she was supposed to be so broken that she'd become a force of nature, attacking anypony who looked for her until Twilight said something which managed to calm her down. You are right, in my rush to write this under the purposefully tight deadline, I didn't portray that well. The notion that it is political, however, is entirely because you are primed to see it that way.

For the record, I also liked the new Ghostbusters film, even though I know they were doing an amount of baiting with that one. I totally agree with Nostalgia Critic's review of it: it isn't bad, it has some really fun stuff in it, it just isn't that good. Some of the jokes are hilarious, but sometimes they spend several minutes on a joke that isn't funny at all. I think anyone who watches that movie without worrying about political context would feel the same way.

I guess I'm just tired of everyone feeling so threatened all the time that everything needs to be totally politically correct, or else someone will come after you for offending some group of people, be it heterosexual white men or social justice warriors. People need to learn to ignore the crap that the fringes are blaring and just appreciate things for what they are. This was just a light ghost story, intended to be read aloud at a couple parties where people's ages ranged from 16 to 60...

9297960
I'm glad you enjoyed it. I don't think it's my best work, but I do consider it to be a solid piece of light horror...

9299444 And like I said, there are now SO MANY examples of media of every sort being made FOR THE EXPRESS PURPOSES of political agendas, that it HAS poisoned the waters.

The new "She-Ra" was the most recent example, touted for 'diversity', over-hyped to absurd extremes by the leftist critics... and even compared the flimsy artwork and animation to the unmatched masterpieces of Studio Ghibli (that's about as delusional as one can get)... and, naturally, it's terrible.

So, yes, after an endless barrage of SJW agenda-driven garbage, many of us are rather a bit sensitive to it.

9420629
Oh! I actually started writing a version of this that was more of a radioplay. Would you like access to that?

good story you have here :twilightsmile:

Damn, that ending hit me kind of hard.

9557374
Glad you enjoyed it!
9561575
Indeed.
9565082
Yeah, rewriting it to improve the context though...

9568152
Keep up the good work.

Damn. I didn't like the ending. Either one.
There was certainly foreshadowing but I didn't think it was going to be about a romance at the last chapter. Or about a romance with that character. Or how the apparent rules to ghost-pony interactions changed. But I guess the last bit can be explained considering who it was to the mare in white.

That can't be helped I think. Just personal taste. You certainly wouldn't mark a story for elements that are part of the reveal.

10289758
To be honest, I felt the foreshadowing was weaker than was fair myself, but I couldn't think of a good way to add more without reworking the story, and I had a deadline. I figured it was a fun enough ride, either way, that it wasn't that big of a deal if the reader couldn't figure out every bit of it.

11110338
It was certainly still a good ride! I won't argue that. I respect you keeping to your deadline and can understand more of the trouble you went through now.

You still wrote a vivid ghost-story mystery, something I feel I don't see enough on fimfic, something I remember specifically seeking out. Over a year later I still remember it and I want to visit it again now because it really was interesting and I wonder, based on when I read it, if I was just being a bit jaded. It couldn't have been all that bad considering all that! I think I wrote that comment just after I finished reading it, so my slight disappointment with the ending doesn't do the rest of your story justice.

Thank you for commenting and reminding me about this story! : )

10289758

Or how the apparent rules to ghost-pony interactions changed. But I guess the last bit can be explained considering who it was to the mare in white.

By the way, I forgot to say, I thought it was clear enough in the story even though it wasn't outright stated: the reason she is acting angry and crazy is because she was driven out of town and jumped off a cliff, which led to the haunting. The reason she's not acting angry and crazy in the last chapter is because Twilight claiming that Spike was her child showed her that something had changed in the modern world, causing her to drop the anger. Luna shows up, after being told about what happened to Twilight, to speak with the ghost, and it's a combination of twilight and the fact that it's Luna that causes her to not be acting crazy.

In a sense, one could say this was like a curse, and in the final chapter, the curse is broken.
At the very end, when she disappears, that's the end of the haunting of the Serenity's Peak.

So, there was a full explanation, it just wasn't ever stated.

11110708
Part of the reason I wrote this was there is a lack of eerie ghost stories written these days, especially in pony fanfiction, and I just wanted to write a simple yet unique take on the subgenre. Everyone is always going for the in your face gory horror, and I like the ones that make you think, and just explore a morbid concept. It's the kind of writing I aim to do, and I plan to get back to releasing stories like this in the coming year.

So I'm glad you appreciate it!

Definitely a good ghost tale (gothic tales usually are). I do wish it were a tad longer, but it's alright that it is what it is.

The cave scene was easily my favorite! Just...brrr.

11142393
Just saw this comment. Yeah, this story is by no means my most impressive or popular, especially being written in a burst one october, but I'm happy with how it came out as a writing challenge, and it'll always hold a special place in my heart. Who knows? Maybe I'll go back and do a longer, non-pony version...

11247488
¡Muchas gracias! Estoy muy feliz con ella, y podría reescribirlo sin Ponies.

About to start reading this and the biggest question in my mind is, Does RockstarRaccoon mean this in the barnyard sense?

Twilight Sparkle is about to learn that some secrets are better left covered...

[emphasis added]

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