Plastic Smiles and the Strength They Hide
She shut off the alarm clock the moment it sounded, blindly fumbling a hoof over its top button. Doing so allowed the filly sleeping in the next room to rest a little longer before they needed to get up and ready for school. The mare, however, had a few daily preparations to attend to before leaving for work. But like every morning, she didn’t want to wake her daughter.
Naturally, at this time, the sun wasn’t up quite yet, so the room was all shadows and silhouettes. Not to mention the smallest sound could be heard through the paper-thin walls, few of which were peppered with holes from earlier incidents when she first moved in.
However, with practiced ease and years of routine, the grey pegasus silently maneuvered through the house. Without waking up her darling unicorn, she glided down the stairs to the living room. She then hovered into the kitchen to start preparing breakfast. Once she was done making it, she noticed the time and began eating her portion on the fly so she wouldn’t arrive late to work again.
Sandwich in hoof, she fixed herself and her daughter a lunch. She left one of the boxes on the table while still chewing breakfast, and quickly searched for her work clothes. By the time she slipped on her uniform, the sun had risen, and she was prepared to start her day. The mare opened the door, walked out, and gazed into the great unknown.
She could cook, clean, decorate, and always knew where everything was even if she was blindfolded within her home. However, the moment she stepped outside, it became uncharted territory to her no matter how hard Ponyville’s most recognized mailmare tried to map it out.
Derpy loved repetitive tasks, mainly because she could perform just as well as anypony else once she had it down. But that always involved ‘burning a few muffins’ as she put it. Unfortunately, that was the same reason why most ponies saw her as a clumsy idiot at best and a malevolent bringer of misfortune and destruction at worst.
As she delivered each letter, Derpy would get the occasional stink eye or cold shoulder. Some would give her pitiful looks while others would hide their annoyance from her. Still, Derpy could always see past their facade regardless of her poor eyesight. Some days, like this one in particular, her thoughts would wander back to moments when she felt her lowest.
When Derpy got hired to work for a moving company, she was thrilled to finally be given a chance to prove her worth. Unfortunately, it didn’t last long. During her first day, she heard the phrase ‘twitchy tail’ yelled from a distance and had been in Ponyville long enough to know what it meant.
Derpy and her coworkers instinctively braced themselves for the inevitable. Too late did they notice the teetering cargo in the wagon was about to collapse. Derpy tried to stop it, but she miscalculated the distance between her hooves and the furniture, dropping half the load on an unfortunate mare below.
Even after explaining that to her boss, it wasn’t enough to convince him to not fire her. Despite it being her first day on the job. Delivering mail was assuredly much more comfortable; same addresses, same route, same ponies, and a relatively same time schedule. What Derpy found difficult, however, was the fact every envelope and package she had to deliver had a different style of writing. Because of that, she was constantly mixing up letters. If more than one were sent to the same address, she could rarely figure it out straight away.
A few regulars would receive weekly, if not daily, mail from the same pony. Otherwise, each letter, at first glance, was written in a totally alien foreign language. Because of this, Derpy’s first few days on the job hadn’t gone so well. It was only a month later before she finally caught up with the rest of the mail ponies. Due to that, almost everyone in town looked at Derpy in a way suggesting they’d all be better off without her. She was already used to such treatment, but that didn’t help erase the feelings of doubt, regret, and painful memories of her own foalhood.
She remembered a time where just about every classmate she knew poked fun at her eyes and clumsiness. The bullying got so bad that she’d had to transfer schools, but that was only after nearly drowning in a river.
One of her classmates thought it would be hilarious if they put a rain cloud that they froze the night before in an obstacle course. One they knew Derpy had difficulty with, but everyone else had no trouble completing. Derpy flew into the prank cloud in no time. She slammed into the solid chunk of ice and spiraled out of control towards the river below.
The moment she’d hit the ice-cold water, she thought her life was over. She was trapped beneath the dark, freezing waves for what felt like hours. Finally, after her vision started to dim and redden, a chaperoning pegasus, one who had witnessed the whole ordeal, dove in to rescue her. After that, her hearing was never quite the same, with a mild ringing in both ears. Her ability to process information also suffered. The most likely cause was the damage her oxygen-starved brain had sustained.
Soon after, her family moved to start a new life elsewhere. Even so, the bullying continued. That was until a particular rainbow-maned filly not only stood up to what seemed like an army gathered around her but also gave her rare words of encouragement. She cried alone for hours that night—but they were tears of happiness, not grief. She was so relieved to know there was somepony out there her age who actually cared about how she felt.
Her foalhood never got any easier, but just knowing that somepony was willing to stand up for her made all the past hard times seem less stressful. But all that was just history—right now, Derpy was about to deliver the last letter for the day. She was excited to be back home in time to welcome her little bundle of joy that had brought a smile to her day, even during the dreariest of times—Dinky.
Derpy glided down to the door and knocked. “Delivery!”
She heard a startled gasp muffled by the door. After a brief period of tumbling and shoving of things inside, the door opened up, and the face of the residential homeowner poked out. It belonged to a dark blue mare with a glittering silver mane, a bright streak of orange-gold running through it.
“Oh! Hey… uh, mailmare… how’s your day going?” she asked with a smile that seemed welcoming, but to Derpy, it looked hauntingly familiar.
Despite her vision impairment, Derpy took in all the details of the forced smile, stiff expression and posture, and slightly misty red eyes on the silver-maned mare. “Um…” Derpy stared for a moment as she tried to place a name to the odd mare’s face.
Finally, she realized the expression presented to her was one she’d seen many times throughout her life, on the faces of enough ponies to know its meaning. But the face she remembered wearing it most was her own. She spent hours at a time for months practicing that smile in front of a mirror until she had it down to a fine art. “Are you alright?” Derpy finally asked.
The mailmare’s question seemed to throw her off, a bewildered look crossing her face. “I… I uh,” she then glared at Derpy, “look, just give me the mail and get lost! Please!” She snatched the envelopes and slammed the door.
Derpy blinked. With her job done for the day, she reluctantly began to leave, but something obliged her to turn her head back around and stare at the house one last time. Making up her mind, she knocked on the door again, and by doing so, she heard a muffled crash, then an aggravated set of hooves storming over to the door. “What!” the mare barked.
The mailmare shrunk back slightly, folding her ears down. “Uh… Oh, horseapples, please don’t let this cost me my job,” she said as she rubbed the back of her neck. “Listen, just stop lying to yourself, okay? You might think nopony else understands what you’re going through, and you’re right, they don’t. I know that because I’ve felt the exact same way for most of my life.”
Judging by the shocked look on the blue mare’s face, Derpy felt like she was getting through to her. “I’m not saying that I can relate to whatever problem you’re having right now, because that would make me the liar. But I can’t just leave you here knowing how alone you feel. You’re not alone. So, I just thought that I’d let you know if you ever need to get anything off your back, or if you just need some comfort, feel free to drop by my place anytime, I’ll be there for you.”
The dark blue mare looked as if she’d been slapped across the face. Derpy, not wanting to stick around longer than she had to, flew off.
Derpy hummed a cheery tune as she cleaned up breakfast and washed the dishes. Today was particularly special because it provided her the rare opportunity to start the day with her daughter.
Yesterday while she was running her route, an accident happened at the post office. It was one she could have easily been framed for, but thanks to being absent when it started, she was not. Instead, Derpy was given the next few days off. She was told it would take some time to fix the damage, but she knew they just didn’t want her to get in the way.
Her thoughts were interrupted by a sudden knock at the door. At that moment, an eyelash got in Derpy’s eye, and instinctively she began rubbing it. It came out, but now her vision in that eye was blurred. Given she was home though, it wasn’t much of a problem for her. She shook her head, almost blindly fumbling to the hall. Another knock came just before she opened the door.
A pony she couldn’t immediately recognize stood outside. “Uh…” With a combination of head tilting and eye squinting, she could almost make out a familiar form. “What can I do for—”
The pony outside threw themselves onto her, wrapping Derpy in the most genuine hug she’d been given in a long time. Embracing the pegasus tightly, the blue pony began trembling, bawling out years’ worth of pent-up grief and agony.
With their mane closer, Derpy could make out the silver color with a warm streak of gold. “There, there.” The grey mare smiled softly and returned the hug. The two just sat on the floor quietly. The pegasus allowed as much time as the mare needed. All the pain and hurt she saw in those eyes the day before required more than mere moments to expel themselves. Derpy softly rubbed her back in comfort.
After what seemed like a minute to Derpy, but hours to her more than welcomed visitor, the stranger spoke between sniffles and sobs, “I-I’m sorry for… I didn’t… I thought there… tha-thank you.”
Derpy shushed her, then said, “Come on in, I’ve got some leftover muffins. You can tell me anything you’d like. Whatever makes you comfortable.” Derpy knew how slow the healing process was. If the mare didn’t want to talk, she didn’t have to. Draping a wing over her guest, the pegasus ushered her inside.
The mare sobbed, leaning on Derpy for support as they gingerly trotted into the living room. Sitting her guest on the couch, the pegasus tried to gently let go of her. The unicorn’s hooves clung to her for a second before releasing their grip.
Derpy returned within mere moments with a tray of muffins balanced on one wing. She offered it to her guest, the mare taking one with a small smile. Her eyes watered as she nibbled on it. Were they burnt or something? The mailmare gasped. She knew they tasted overcooked. Derpy was about to apologize, only to be silenced by the unicorn tackling her a second time.
The blue mare sobbed, tears and muffin crumbs soiling Derpy’s coat. Amongst the sobs and wheezing, the unicorn blubbered about years of misfortune. Reassured by the occasional pat on her back, she continued on about the loss of everything she held dear until she got to the point where the mailmare knocked on her door twice. Twice preventing a noose from strangling the life out of her.
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I don't know who you are but I love you, thanks for writing this
11043935
I get the feeling that it was something you needed to hear. I could be wrong though.
Thank you for commenting on this fossil of a story, very glad you liked it.
Not long ago, I wrote a similar story with a slightly different tune about the same topic. If that interests you, perhaps I could self-promote it?
admittedly, it is a little darker than this one.
On a side note, how did you come across this if you don’t mind my asking?
Your right, this was something I needed to hear, for as long as I can remember I've struggled with depression and there's been a few times I was in the same horseshoes as that mare, but I never had anyone to be my derpy, I'm actually surprised I'm still here, one of the reasons pinkie is my favorite pony, even after everything I've been through she can still make me smile
As for how I found this story, I read one of your other stories(if words left scars) and was just absolutely blown away, I watched the videos that you tagged that inspired that story for you and I probably cried for an hour. When I find stories that are so well written and so good, the author that wrote them usually has a few more up there sleeve, so I scrolled through your stories in the author section
P.s. I know from experience that the only people that can come up with stories like these, that actually understand these situations and what people feel are the people who went through them themselves, I can't say I know 100% how you feel because we ARE different, but I CAN SAY THAT YOU ARE LOVED and even if I can't be there with you and can't be there for you I love you, I'm telling you this because for all my life I've lived these moments, and for all my life these are the words I've wanted to hear, and I'm still waiting, but I can say them to you because my feelings are real, and no matter what youve done in your life I LOVE YOU
11045698
Personally, I’ve never gotten as bad as what happens in These stories. But for almost a decade now, I’ve perpetually been between feeling like a much milder version of Scootaloo and Rainbow Dash. When I’m not feeling like Rainbow Dash, fretting about the consequences of my every action, I’m wishing it was that bad while feeling like Scootaloo only for a few days at most, though. With this story, I wanted to lean away from the traditional “just chose happiness!” message. As I’m sure you know, it isn’t that easy.
One of the most challenging parts of these stories is knowing what to say in comforting the one who needs it most because it’s an answer I don’t have.
I've seen both sides of this spectrum, I've saved someone from suicide and almost committed suicide multiple times myself, and nobody saved me, I had to save myself, and like you said you can't just choose happiness, I guess you just have to make it on your own and I know what you mean about worrying about all the consequences for every action, all I can say is don't focus too much on the who, or why, or what can or will happen, just find what makes you happy and don't ever let anyone take it from you,
And nobody has the right words, and anyone who says theydo is a liar, when people are hurting, most of the time they just want someone to tell the truth, to know that what they do matters, that they mean something, that they can do more than just hurt and be hurt, and I learned from experience that the only thing we can do is just be a REAL friend, I think the words you write are just fine, because the only right words are the ones you mean with all your heart
You'd be surprised how just the smallest barest words can have such a powerful meaning and impact on someone, I fully believe there are trigger words, I have a few of my own, and the easiest way to find them is in truth
11045780
This conversation is making me think of a song I like listening to often.
I also feel like I should mention that this was a source of inspiration, as well as an easter egg. If only more people used their words to heal instead of hurt. I say that, but it's mostly wishful thinking because we all have our own ideas of what we want others to say.
11045780
Now that I’m thinking about it, it’s a bit scary how many sad related sources I know about and look for as a form of comfort and didn’t even realize it. Two more I want to share are a movie called ‘A Silent Voice’ that you can find on Netflix, and another is this music video. When I first wrote this story I didn’t expected to hear back from anyone that it uplifted them as much as it did you. You’re more than welcome to share this with whoever you think might need it. May your coming days be filled with appreciation... and muffins.
i.chzbgr.com/full/9106929664/h2569EC3F/derpy-and-muffins
It's a nice ending. I didn't see it coming. Most of the body of this story is kind of bland and I was expecting a similar ending. First stories by an author are rarely very deep or meaningful, and this presented itself as a "nothing really happens" slice of slice story with a predictably trite ending.
Instead, in the final paragraph we're given this, single, important word:
She was going to kill heself, Derpy interrupted. Ok. Some random stranger asking if you're ok doesn't erase a lifetime of experience. So she was still going to kill herself and Derpy's instinct said "no, you have to go back." And especially interesting is that Derpy had to overcome her own fear to do it:
She had a personal stake in this. She had something to lose. The mare was obviously angry at the interruption. The first third of the story establishes that Derpy has a hard time keeping jobs, she's moved around, she hadn't had a whole lot of stability in her life growing up, but now she's had this job for a while. And she's willing to risk it. It gives weight to her decision. It means more that Derpy is the one doing this, rather than Pinkie or Twilight barging in to help somebody with no fear and nothing to lose. Pinkie would genuinely want to help, but it wouldn't mean as much coming from her, because she'd simply see an unhappy pony in need of 'fixing' without really understanding or caring very much what the thing being 'fixed' was or why.
Derpy knew what she was looking at. She understood, from experience.
I think that's exactly what this mare needed. Connection. Being known. Being understood. Pinkie or 'princess of friendship' Sparkle asking if she's alright or offering to listen wouldn't mean as much, regardless if it was once or twice or a dozen times that they asked. With them it would be impersonal. "I'm offering because this is what I do," rather than rapport born of personal experience and understanding. On some level, we all want to be loved. It's nice for somebody to desire that we be happy and be willing to take action to make it happen. But that's not what love is. Love requires knowing. It requires accepting what is. Pinkie doesn't love an unhappy pony. She wants that unhappy pony to be a happy pony instead, and in a way that means changing them. Wanting to change somebody isn't loving them.
Pinkie barging in to say 'be happy' or 'turn that frown upside down' would be like saying "Reject who you are and become something different. Kill the unhappy mare and become happy like we are. Only then will we accept you."
Being an unhappy pony, and being loved even as an unhappy pony...that's very different.
Derpy had been there. Derpy knew. And I think that's what this mare really wanted.
11046748
Muffins the Musical
11198023
Once again, you exceeded my expectations. Keep this up and I might brake out of this monotonous point of view of simply existing my life away in autopilot.
That’s not too different from what I see daily life being. Tomorrow has the same goals as what I did yesterday, or last week. To me it’s all the same. It only gets interesting or exciting when something different happens. I like things that are different in a good way. And I’ll say this you are different.
I’ll admit that the credit for the way it is currently set up belongs to one of the editors, I originally had it as:
Just a heads up. Depending on which stories you’re planning to read, if you do read “The price you pay” (I may be inaccurate and I dislike inaccuracies, so apologies if I am) there’s a part with a therapist and I’ll just tell you now that what I had them say is probably not as accurate as what a real one would say but I made the most out of the inexperience I have in that field.
11198259
This was a great and wholesome fic, it addresses both bullying and suicidal thoughts and how to overcome them, what also made this great is the feeling of it being in the show! Kudos!
11457440
I’m glad you liked this story. Assuming that it lies within your interests, my other story ‘if words left scars’ follows a similar approach albeit with a different set of circumstances. That’s only if it lies in your interests.
I’m curious to know what you mean by that. To my knowledge the closest thing the cannon shows came to on this topic was when Pinkie was asked to stop playing her favorite instrument by her friends as politely as they could manage. That really did a number on her, as depicted later in the same episode.
11457586
What I meant was, it felt like something that should’ve been in the show, yes true that pinkie episode (forgot the name) did tackle a serious issue, but not one when it comes to either tragedy. Like AJ’S parents, I know self harm is a big stink eye towards the public sensors when it comes to kids shows, but it does need to be addressed, cause kids too end up with these dark thoughts. Also I’ll check out your other fics too!